JFReyes Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I'd just like some understanding/closure because I won't get any from my ex due to NC. The unemployment lasted only 6 months but it was long enough to end a 10 year relationship. Please enlighten me. Thanks,
Mr.Pine Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I'd just like some understanding/closure because I won't get any from my ex due to NC. The unemployment lasted only 6 months but it was long enough to end a 10 year relationship. Please enlighten me. Thanks, Nobody likes a deadbeat? Did you have any money saved during that 6 month slump? Did you make her pay for everything? Did you live together and have her pay all of the rent/mortgage/wifi and HBO dues? You have given us next to nothing to go on. Elaborate, por favor... 4
Omei Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Jobs can be hard to find sometimes esp when your in a particular field, sometimes it takes people up to a year to find a job again, the job market in some places is terrible. I am going to assume you were employed for the rest of the time you were together... If this was only 6 months out of a 10 year relationship, and you were trying your hardest to find work I would say she was extremely unsupportive.
carhill Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 OP, that's how life goes. If commitment and attraction are inadequate, chinks in the armor can be death holes. Ten years is a long time. My sympathies. The good news is it does get better and a good man can always make more money. IMO, that's the balance. Living life and smiling. 1
esteem-jam Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Theres a topic in other section of the forum. All valid points there, IMO: Link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/482464-when-partner-earns-far-less-than-you
Mr.Pine Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 If commitment and attraction are inadequate, chinks in the armor can be death holes. Definitely this... 1
Author JFReyes Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Nobody likes a deadbeat? Yep, my aunt told me that. Your comment reinforces her insight. Did you have any money saved during that 6 month slump? Did you make her pay for everything? Did you live together and have her pay all of the rent/mortgage/wifi and HBO dues? Yes I did, but not enough... She didn't pay for everything but did help me financially, although much less than I made through odd jobs and family/friends. We didn't live together. OP, that's how life goes. If commitment and attraction are inadequate, chinks in the armor can be death holes. Ten years is a long time. My sympathies. The good news is it does get better and a good man can always make more money. IMO, that's the balance. Living life and smiling. I now realize that these may be part of the reason. 10 years can cause "wear and tear" in a relationship so it may have been an excuse to get out without guilt. But I didn't see it coming... Theres a topic in other section of the forum. All valid points there, IMO: Yes, I read it and have gotten some insight from it, thanks... Jobs can be hard to find sometimes esp when your in a particular field, sometimes it takes people up to a year to find a job again, the job market in some places is terrible. I am going to assume you were employed for the rest of the time you were together... Yes, I was employed throughout the relationship, and used to make $100K/yr before I lost my job. The job market here is terrible and the one I finally found pays far less.
Author JFReyes Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 I want to mention that we're both in our 50's and she was always a wonderful (though not perfect) companion. I guess what I'm surprised about is that at our age I kind of expected more loyalty and commitment to see things through than I would think younger people have, but I was wrong. Such is life...
jbelle6 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Was she fed up that you weren't living together or moving forward after 10 years as well? 1
todreaminblue Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I actively supported my partners in periods of unemployment, found courses and wrote cover letters,kept an eye out for jobs on my travels, encouraged them to go for jobs that they were passionate about even if that included working away......i dont think its right to attach relationship happiness to employment at any rate and partners employment being the mainstay, not today and not in these times....especially if you have no intentions of supporting them out of employment....why should their intentions be to support you when they have employment its a little red hen story...not i said the duck not i said the cow...i am not a cow or a duck...i think its a give give situation...you can be the hen and bake bread or a duck(was gonna say you can be the cow but i would probably get slammed) refusing to help...lol...ok i am out but this reminded me of that kids book...........deb
Hoosfoos Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Because it prevents them from keeping up with the Joneses. They will jump for better prospects.
todreaminblue Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Because it prevents them from keeping up with the Joneses. They will jump for better prospects. not all women do this at all....... i would say a minority only....deb
Author JFReyes Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Was she fed up that you weren't living together or moving forward after 10 years as well? I don't think so because we still have (young) adult children to support and she's also taking care of her elderly mother. We figured that in a few more years we'd be free from these commitments and then start living the grand life.
Author JFReyes Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Because it prevents them from keeping up with the Joneses. They will jump for better prospects. This is a possibility but not so much about material wealth but instead professional status, as she's a college professor.
central Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Gender roles and expectations are far from dead. Double standards are alive and well. Of women surveyed, 75 percent said they'd have a problem with dating someone without a job. ... On the other hand, the prospect of dating an unemployed woman was not a problem for nearly two-thirds of men. Would You Date An Unemployed Man? ? 75 Percent Of Women Would Not And it's far more common for women to leave a man who becomes unemployed than vice versa. Statistically speaking of course - your own mileage and performance may differ.
Author JFReyes Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 (edited) What is your field ? I'm in IT. Ordinarily (or should I say in the past) there wouldn't have been a problem getting a job quickly but nowadays there are 2 caveats: I live in Puerto Rico and here we're still in a deep, deep recession; and I'm over 50. These are not unsurmountable obstacles as I did eventually find a steady job in IT, but at a junior level salary. No matter, I look for better opportunities daily and pray to God something better will eventually come up. Edited June 25, 2014 by JFReyes
d0nnivain Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 If the unemployed person took their stress out on the other person in inappropriate ways, that may have contribued to the demise of the relationship. 1
Author JFReyes Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Gender roles and expectations are far from dead. Double standards are alive and well. Of women surveyed, 75 percent said they'd have a problem with dating someone without a job. ... On the other hand, the prospect of dating an unemployed woman was not a problem for nearly two-thirds of men. Would You Date An Unemployed Man? ? 75 Percent Of Women Would Not And it's far more common for women to leave a man who becomes unemployed than vice versa. Statistically speaking of course - your own mileage and performance may differ. Interesting article. It lends credibility to the saying posted earlier in this thread: "nobody likes a deadbeat". What I find distressing is that it is so even though the situation may be temporary. 1
Author JFReyes Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 If the unemployed person took their stress out on the other person in inappropriate ways, that may have contribued to the demise of the relationship. True and I may be guilty of that but the question is how to avoid that behavior when in the middle of an existential crisis. I don't know. In a 30 year career I had never been unemployed so I didn't know how to react, what to do.
d0nnivain Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I'm sure you did the best you could but it probably put a strain on the relationship. If you have since found employment & can admit to some fault, try an apology if you want reconcilliation.
Sugarkane Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Sorry for your loss. Just as well you didn't get married? I find this a rough reason in today's job market. I mean most people dont stay in one company anymore except eg emergency services. Anyone can be made redundant because of cut backs.
Author JFReyes Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 (edited) So folks, thanks for your input. It may seem cynical but I surmise that: 1. It was most likely to happen, especially as the unemployment dragged on. As a previous post disclosed studies that demonstrated a double standard, I had little chance of success. 2. My behavior -- both prior and especially -- during the troubles probably tipped the scale or hastened the end. In my defense I can only say that I honestly tried my best to manage a completely new and difficult experience. 3. Such is life - on occasion, bad things happen to good people. Since "nobody likes a deadbeat" I'll strive my utmost to never become one again. However, I'm concerned where that path may lead me as I"d still like to achieve salvation for my soul. Good night and thanks to all. Edited June 26, 2014 by JFReyes
Sugarkane Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Well I hope she never gets made redundant.... (possibility is likely these days).
Els Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 OP, has she SAID that the reason was your unemployment? Is it at all possible that she broke up with you because after 10 years together in your 50s, you two weren't cohabitating or marrying yet? Or was that her preference too?
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