MerAlene Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 I'm 30 and my bf is almost 27. We've been together for 4 months, and a month ago, I told him I loved him. He wasn't ready to hear it let alone say it - so he didn't say it back. He recoiled for a few days. He was uncomfortable in thinking that I cared for him a lot more than he cared for me and didn't think it was fair. I explained to him that saying, "I love you" can mean different things to different people. I really don't think we are on such different levels. He came around after a few days saying, "I've decided I need you in my life... you make me feel good... I like spending time with you..." He has a history of being hurt a lot and it's going to be very hard for him to fully give himself to someone emotionally - it will take time. We have very open communication, which is absolutely wonderful. I know he cares about me a lot - he has said so. However, I don't know if he really loves me - he either does love me and doesn't know it or can't verbalize it yet. Or he doesn't love me yet but likely will in time. We've both made reference to the future a lot - living together, marriage, family/kids. We also met through eHarmony, so I'm pretty sure he's the real deal when it comes to looking for a serious, long-term relationship. Bottom line: I want to hear him say it. I know actions speak louder than words, but I also know what the depth of saying the words will mean to him if and when he does say it to me - and that's why it's important to me. He knows how I feel. How long might it take him to truly feel the same way? I don't want to be waiting for something that may never come.
tiki Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 Ignore for the meantime and quit saying it to him.
iceisles Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 Originally posted by tiki Ignore for the meantime and quit saying it to him. I concur with tiki. I know this isn't written in stone, of course, but I generally look at six months of dating as being the minimum for saying "I love you" to someone. I've seen far too many problems with people stating this prematurely.
Author MerAlene Posted February 16, 2005 Author Posted February 16, 2005 Thanks for the feedback. I have quit saying it to him. As a matter of fact, I haven't said it since the fateful night that I first did. I signed his Valentine card "Love, Meredith" - but I didn't write "I love you" and I made sure I didn't even get him a card that said "I love you" in it. I won't say it or express it with words - spoken or written - until I hear it from him. I have this horrible habit of watching the calendar and clock all the time instead of just sitting back and enjoying the ride. I'm 30 and have wanted to get married and have kids forever, so it's hard to not watch the clock.
tiki Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 Watch the clock, get anxious, then marry someone that doesn't love you = not good!
Author MerAlene Posted February 16, 2005 Author Posted February 16, 2005 I definitely don't plan to make that mistake. I'm going to be REALLY sure it's the real thing - going both ways - before I marry someone. I just want it NOW! But, I want it to be great... so I will practice patience.
iceisles Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 Is it safe to sign e-mails and cards with "Love, _____" early on in a relationship?
Cecelius Posted February 17, 2005 Posted February 17, 2005 I'm a man, I agree with the 6 month rule, have a personal policy never to say it till I mean it, and never say it in response to her saying it or because it's expected. But what he said, to me, means a HECK of a lot more than "I love you."
tiki Posted February 17, 2005 Posted February 17, 2005 If I told every man that I dated for two months that I loved them, My I love you's would be plentiful.
iceisles Posted February 17, 2005 Posted February 17, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles Is it safe to sign e-mails and cards with "Love, _____" early on in a relationship? Anyone have thoughts on this? I have a card to fill out and I'm wondering if I should sign "Love, Dave" or just go with my usual, "Forever and always" closing.
tiki Posted February 17, 2005 Posted February 17, 2005 Originally posted by tiki I will sign it with a heart, then my name. I've seen many people do this iceisles.
iceisles Posted February 17, 2005 Posted February 17, 2005 So there's definitely a big difference between signing "Love, ____" and "I love you"? I would like to sign it with a heart if I could draw one. Lol.
Author MerAlene Posted February 19, 2005 Author Posted February 19, 2005 I DO think there's a difference between the drawn heart and "Love, ____" in the closing. But I also think signing, "Love, ____" is not a serious as writing out "I love you." If a time comes up that calls for a card (or you just want to be a little romantic and send or give an "I'm thinking of you" card) when things are pretty new in a relationship, the drawn heart is definitely the way to go.
Author MerAlene Posted February 19, 2005 Author Posted February 19, 2005 Oh - and "Forever and always" is almost even more extreme/serious that signing "Love." Forever and always is a really long time to be saying that to someone new in your life. IMO, signing a card like that in a newer romantic relationship sounds a little like you're about 13. I don't think you want to do that.
lost_in_chgo Posted February 19, 2005 Posted February 19, 2005 Meralene, When the guy doesn't say I love you back it means two things: 1) He doesn't love you....yet. Not that he never will. 2) He isn't a worthless manipulative good for nothing that says I love you just because someone says it to him. He's got some sense of integrity. You shouldn't push him, he's going to have to be very comfortable with you to take that step. Of course, why listen to me, eHarmony branded me as unsuited to their service and wouldn't give me an account (about 20% of people get that). Which just means, I'm not easy to match. Which is why I went there in the first place. Search "eharmony rejection" without the quotes on google groups for more info.
Author MerAlene Posted February 21, 2005 Author Posted February 21, 2005 Thanks, lost_in_chgo. Only time will tell, and I'm going to stick it out at least for now. BTW, I love your song lyrics - great song.
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