Breaking up for Practical (but not compatibility) reasons?

[midlifecrisis]

My GF of 14 months and I have just broken up (on Valentines Day!!).

 

The relationship was a complete roller-coaster. Total intimacy and bonding followed by withdrawal and commitment-phobia on her part and utter insecurity on my part. Over and over again / up and down again for the whole 14 months.

 

I totally fell for her. I've never felt so far-gone in love before, and I think that we both agree that we are a very good fit in terms of personalities, values, and there has never been any question of passion and attraction.

 

Her commitment phobia and repeated withdrawal was fundamentally caused by two reasons:

 

(a) Your typical post-divorce emotional instability and distrust of relationships -- she was married 14 years to a cheater and divorced about 1 year before meeting me, and

 

(b) She was married to a very wealthy man, and I (by contrast) have a good income, but very little of a nest-egg due to my own divorce 4 years ago. She would always try to plan out how our comingled families would survive -- and the result was a standard of living below that which she is used to.

 

We seemed to have gotten past the commitment phobia, but at the end, the fact that she could not accept my financial status angered her -- as in "why can't I find someone with both: the compatibility and the money?" And the nature of our "break-up talk" was exactly this premise.

 

I'm not saying that the compatibility was perfect: She's fundamentally most attracted to your Alpha-Male type: Confident, Agressive, and in-charge. I'm no wussy-boy, but I'm more passive than she considers ideal. On the other-side, my biggest complaint about her was her penchant for being impressed by the material (i.e. wealth).

 

Maybe I'm deluding myself, but I want to make the assumption that we'd still be together -- and on the path to marriage if only I had the money.

 

So, given this background, what are your experiences with this type of break-up? Is there such a thing as a break-up for practical reasons, or in the end, should love conquer all? Just as important -- this totally is screwing with my ability to cope -- I mean, the thought that we'd be perfect together except for money is agonizing!

 

Finally, after our talk, I wrote a note that basically affirmed my belief that the practical issues were worth enduring for the sake of our relationship, and I asked her for help in figuring it out rather than abandoning the idea. I also told her that should she choose not to -- that I'd always have a part of me that craves her and is in love with her.

 

Her response: "Blah, blah, blah. Have a nice life."

 

I was totally shocked! I don't know how to interpret this. My only thought was that she's still really angry about the need to break up, and she's pissed about my note having to remind her about how great we got along. I've *never* gotten an indication that her professions of love and friendship for me were insincere. And these professions were being spoken to me not more than a week ago!

 

I wrote her one more note expressing my shock and anger -- but I let her know that no matter what, she'll always be important to me.

 

I know, I know -- a wussy-boy response. But what's done is done. Since then, I have not contacted her (it's been almost 2 days), and she hasn't contacted me either.

 

Wow -- I had a lot to say (and there's more to divulge).

 

Thoughts?

[Merin]

My thoughts.. be glad you found out now then God forbid actually married her only to have her divorce you later and take the other half of the half that you had left from your last marriage.

 

Sorry.. but IF you really believe that if ONLY you could afford her things would be perfect.. well, thats just sad and not okay.. while yeah it's nice to have money.. uh it doesn't sound like you're doing *unwell* and if that isn't enough for her then I guess you've got to step back and look.. was she with you for you or with you for the greenbacks?

 

Don't write to her anymore.. leave her alone.. and IF she contacts you again.. I guess you could say something along the same lines as she did.. " Gosh IF ONLY I could find an amazing women to spend my time with that wasn't trying to drain my checking account... "

[Foreverintears]

It absolutely makes me physically ill that people feel as though it is okay to string someone along, tell them that you love them, make them your best friend, and then drop them over something as ridiculous as money....

 

I am very sorry for your suffering. I know the pain - and no, I have never been in a relationship that was explained away with something as inconsequential as "you just don't make enough money."

 

Chances are, that was the easy excuse. But if it wasn't ask yourself this - do you want to spend your life with someone who may only be hanging around BECAUSE of the money?

 

I feel for you. I hope it gets better. And don't beat yourself up about the letters....we're all repeat offenders of the very same behavior...

[midlifecrisis]

Merin and Foreverintears,

 

Thanks so much for your quick replies. Here is some more information: I live in a very expensive area in order to be close to my kids and I rent. I can't afford to even purchase my own little condo right now, but my take-home pay allows me to live comfortably.

 

Her focus was on what it would take to purchase a larger home so that we could all live together comfortably, and concluded that we just couldn't do it. At one point, she was even house-hunting and trying to change her settlement agreement in order to get alimony up front to pay for a place!

 

Sure... it wasn't just the house -- I mean, it is hard to go backwards when you are used to living the high-life -- and she is still dealing with her divorce and the fact that she can't afford what she used to.

 

The desperation I feel is over the perception that I won't be able to find that amazing woman -- because amazing women have lots of choices when it comes to men. After some (perhaps lengthy) searching, an attractive, fun, loving woman can certainly find that guy that has the compatibility and the money also. Why settle? And, yes, she falls into that "very good looking, attracts lots of men" category.

 

This is me just venting. I've heard it often enough that a true attraction and love will overcome most of these types of issues. Perhaps you are right Forever... it probably was just the easy way out. This feels even worse, because it means that she was just stringing me along -- and never truly felt in love with me or as my best-friend -- as she said she did.

[Merin]

Stop for a minute and read what you wrote again please..

 

This woman is/was trying to get her alimony up-front... yeah I know that everyone has thier reasons for getting a divorce.. and we all have our sh*t to get through.. but uh.. doesn't it occur to you that this woman is all about the MONEY at any and all COST regardless of who, what, how or why?!

 

What makes her so amazing? Her looks? Because honestly.. I'm not feeling here what is so amazing about her in the "heart and soul department" IF she wants to live a certain life style.. then why doesn't SHE get an amazing JOB so she can afford to do that?

 

Sorry.. to me, this is pathetic.. while I can understand she wants a guy who can make a nice living in taking care of himself and she isn't supporting him... I'm not down for ANYONE who thinks the only way to have a "good relationship" is through MONEY... funny isn't it.. her EXH has obviously got MONEY.. hmmm.. wonder why IF thats all it takes to make life rosey and perfect she isn't still married to his MONEY.. oh, I mean him.

 

Find a woman that REALLY IS amazing.. not one who is amazing as long as you're paying for it.

[midlifecrisis]

Merin,

 

You are absolutely right. The way this all comes across is quite pathetic. I'm going to remember that phrase "amazing as long as you're paying for it." That really pins-down how it feels.

 

Why did she leave all that money? Because her EXH was a major cheat. But, you are also right that she has never quite accepted the possibility of a step-down in lifestyle, and I've even seen her get very angry and depressed at thinking about how her EXH will do just fine in life.

 

I guess that when I refer to her as amazing, what I'm really speaking of is the way I feel when I'm with her. She's gorgeous, fun, smart, family oriented, and caring (in the moment).

 

What I need to remind myself is of the way she treated me -- especially at the end.

 

So, even though I know I will eventually can move past her, I now need to wrestle with my inner insecurity of thinking that I won't be able to find a woman with her good traits (not the bad).

 

Now, for another question: I really want to find out why she dismissed my last note to her so brutally. She's never talked or written that way to me before -- almost as if I said something bad about her. I just don't get it. It is really bothering me deeply. Is it reasonable to break no-contact to get a question like that answered?

[joey7653]

Well, I definitely feel for you...

 

I dated a woman for 8 months, and then she came to the conclusion that I dont have enough to offer her. I dont take her to enough fancy restaurants, she doesnt want to work forever, and she wants someone to take care of her.

 

I dont feel hurt, but I feel pretty pissed off.... Just over all feel used......Some women dont want to build something with a man, they want to take what a man has. When they are older, they just seem so scorned, used, and abused, that they just view men as a check book.

 

I just personally despise people that feel they need a bigger house, a better lifestyle, etc etc, but for some reason think a man has to give them that, as if they are owed that from birth. It has also been my experience that these types of women are among the most selfish, and useless.. They dont cook, dont care about raising kids well, never contribute, never compliment, never apologize, it is just always me me me!