majorcapsfan Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 So I will start by saying I f'ed up, and I did it more then once...I have zero excuses but I damn sure am making corrections. I have been dating a woman since February of last year, the relationship started off as friends though work, her sister and I were friends and when my now exes company was brought under the same company umbrella we all started hanging out. She was over weight at the time which didn't bother me at all, she has the most beautiful eyes and personality you can imagine...I was 40 at the time and she was 27, and let me tell you age has never been the issue, ever. In December of that year, so 2012 she had some stomach surgery, we were just friends at the time but there was a connection, and after a few months we finally decided to test the dating waters, which ended up making us both happy. I was separated at the time for almost a year and a half, divorce was moving along, I have 2 children ages 13 and 12 and after several months things seemed awesome. She had her bouts with her self image, so fast forward now to this year, the divorce is dragging, she is getting frustrated, she is now 136lbs and is absolutely gorgeous...my insecurities started to popup, not because she was doing anything wrong, but because of my non action of my divorce she slowly stopped making me feel good about myself, self esteem plummeted and I started becoming controlling a bit...I wanted her to say something positive to me that would make me feel good. In May I got weak and had a conversation with female that was of a sexual nature, I would never had done anything, it was like a drug, a quick boost of confidence. She went a way on business for a two weekends ago, I started feeling ashamed of what I had done, and realizing the only thing this woman wanted from me was to get my divorce finalized. So I made her promise that things would change, that would be my top priority, that I understood my failures and would turn the ship around. Part of that is being acceptable for your actions, and I could not promise her to make things right and move forward without being honest...so I told her. She was almost home and she decided that it was over...and it's been painful. The first week there was anger, she has access to all my accounts and she would look, she was taking care of my finances for me since she is a wizard with money, and I could see her look to make sure I was keeping things going. There was a few visits back and forth, we both have separate apartments, and in April we got a puppy together. I decided to see a counselor to figure out why I didn't act responsible with my stuff, the divorce and so forth. We were also going on a cruise with her family, leaving June 15th, so needless to say I didn't go, but the Saturday before she left I went over to pick up the puppy and her dog for the week, she said she had a rough day, it was not fun to get ready for this cruise alone. Next day we talked back and forth on her way to the port, nothing serious, just what are you doing to make yourself better, she wants to know the "why". Last message was she finally cried and that she was really upset since this was something we were suppose to be doing together. Fast forward through the week, put a fire under the divorce, saw a counselor and really have found out a lot of things that I didn't realize I was F'ing up on. So now she is back, came back on Sunday, I saw her over coffee, spent three hours talking but a lot of her wanting to hear they why and what I am doing, then a lot of her saying she will not get back together with me. Then yesterday again we met for about an hour at her place and we talked, I told her I didn't want her back right now, I want to finalize the divorce which will be done in the next two weeks then with clean air I wanted to ask her out and take her on a date again, show her I am not a pussy that backs down. I am still seeing a counselor, which has helped me tremendously, I have not been wallowing in self pity, I have been hitting the gym, running and focusing on work...but I miss her and that gets in my head. She was my best friend, the problem was I became to codependent on her, and lost that confidence I had when we met. She has grown as well, but I know she still loves me, but says she wants to discover herself, she might date, she doesn't know. So my question is this, do I cut the contact, or do I just prove to her that I am the man she wanted and the one she originally fell in love with, or do I just consider that she is feeling more confident now than she ever did and she needs to spread her wings...she has been divorced once. I do not know what to do, my heart tells me to let her know I love her and be there when she calls, but then I feel like I am waiting around, it's all new and painful still. When you lose your best friend with your relationship it hurts even more. I know I am not perfect but I at least recognize my flaws and are willing and currently dealing with them...
carhill Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 IMO, be a man of your word, cease contact, get the divorce settled, focus on successful co-parenting of the children, process the remaining emotional fallout from the D process as appropriate, then see where you are with your lady friend. Will most people do this? Nope! Bird in the hand worth two in the bush thing. Hard to let go and be alone. Up to you. When your case summary indicates 'marriage ends on XXX', simply send that to her and see what happens. Accept the answer.
todreaminblue Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 I think you should follow your heart....i do know that the very best things in life are worth fighting for and that includes people......in fact people first ....things last...if i truly care for soemone and i feel my heart is kickin and alive...like not dead in the water......i continue to fight......i dont know any other way..i get nothing but respect from family and friends even exes...... because of my capacity to keep on trekkin......no matter what i feel...i fight for what i beleive in...and love....comes first...i fight hardest when i love someone....my family my friends.....a lover or partner if tere is life in it...ill fight for that to stay alive......deb
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