louisebroc Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Hi, so my problem is this... my boyfriend of a couple of months told me that he has had sex with someone else since we started dating. Maybe more than one. The way he said it I am not sure. It came up in the context of our conversation. He didn't just say it out of nowhere but I hadn't asked him or anything. He volunteered the information. The thing is even though I know it was before we made things "official" it is really bothering me and has been constantly on my mind the last couple of days since he said it. I know he didn't do anything wrong as such but it just surprised me as I didn't think he was the kind to be so casual and sleep with more than one person at a time. I am also hurt because while I was feeling so smitten with him that I wasn't interested in another man, he was so obviously interested in others. Again this surprised me because he was the one who pursued me for ages and who acted like he was gaga. I realise it is my fault for not making it clear I didn't want to see other people but the amount of time we were spending together and he seemed so in to me that I am genuinely surprised he slept with someone else. We have been official for a couple of months but had been dating for a couple of months before this. I'm becoming obsessive about it and can see it leading to me ruining what we have all for something he did before I became his girlfriend. I realise it is not logical to be upset about it but I still am nonetheless. It has brought up similar feelings to the kind I had when my ex cheated on me and I think I'm dealing with my past all over again. Obviously I still harbour insecurities because of being cheated on but I don't know why I am feeling like it is nearly the same when it is so clearly not. I guess in my mind if he could like me so much and still want to sleep with others it makes me question if hes a womanizer like my ex and I know it is not right to compare. I do not want to break up with him but I am struggling with the idea that he was sleeping with me and someone else at the same time. Can anyone help knock some sense in to me because I feel like I'm being overly jealous but I don't know how to stop these feelings. Maybe it's because I didn't react and say to him what I really wanted to say but I don't feel I can say it because then I would be essentially punishing him for a crime when he hasn't committed one and I don't think he will see why I'm so bothered. Can anyone say something helpful?
salparadise Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Can anyone help knock some sense in to me because I feel like I'm being overly jealous but I don't know how to stop these feelings. Maybe it's because I didn't react and say to him what I really wanted to say but I don't feel I can say it because then I would be essentially punishing him for a crime when he hasn't committed one and I don't think he will see why I'm so bothered. Can anyone say something helpful? Trying to simply force yourself to not feel what you feel isn't going to help. Better to acknowledge the feelings and examine the thoughts and beliefs upon which they are based... which you seem to be doing. So, on the one hand you understand cognitively that there was no exclusivity at the time, and on the other hand you feel that it was a breach of trust, incongruent with the way you perceived the relationship and how you want to believe he felt about you at the time. Since both of those are true (the beliefs and feelings) it's not easily resolvable. It leaves you struggling with some cognitive dissonance. There are three ways to reduce it: change one of the beliefsacquire new information that negates the conflictreduce the importance of one or more of the beliefs You could change the belief about it being a breach of trust based on the realization that these notions are constructs of the imagination (wishes), not facts. And you can reduce the importance by realizing that where the relationship is now is what really matters, not something that happened before you became a couple. Neither of these are likely to make the feelings go completely away, so you'll also need to just accept that our egos are stubborn things that cause us to think, feel and behave irrationally sometimes, and own these feelings without being too hard on yourself or your boyfriend. Think about if the roles were reversed how sincerely you'd want it to not affect the future of the relationship or to be characterized by a mistake that technically wasn't a mistake. As to why he'd let that cat out of the bag unnecessarily... I have no idea.
Leigh 87 Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Well he definitely wasn't smitten with you when he had sex with another woman. He could have really liked you though, but he just wasn't head over heels. Normally, when a man meets a woman he is crazy about and falls hard for, he doesn't sleep with other women even in the early stages after first meeting. But he could have still very well liked you, but just not have fallen hard for you initially; perhaps his feelings have grown a lot, even though they started out as " really like" opposed to "being smitten" with you from the get go. Every woman I have ever known including myself, when we met a man who was "smitten" with us from our first meeting, they never wanted to fool around with other women. Not all relationships start out with both parties falling hard and fast for one another, in the "head over heels", Disney movie sense of the word.... Most of the time, two people start out liking each other and the feelings grow over time, rather than being enamoured and taken by one another from date one. Can you accept that your bf wasn't as into you as you were into him at the very beginning? If he is crazy about you now and shows signs of commitment, do you still feel uncomfortable about his revelation? Lastly, some people are against this sleeping around after first meeting business because it just rubs them the wrong way. Even if you don't require a guy to be head over heels for you from the get go, many people still consider it to be in bad taste to sleep around when you are getting to know each other.
Absinthe Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 I gotta be honest, I understand where you're coming from OP. I used to be very open about casual sex. I tried it a couple of times and it wasn't for me, but I totally understood how other people could do it. I mean, you can use protection and YOLO, right? THEN someone I was seeing exclusively gave me a present. I dated another guy who admitted (when inebriated) that he'd had one night stands without condoms, and he refused to get tested. whoo boy. out of there like a shot. I quit being so naive then. Yeah, in theory you should be able to sleep with whomever so long as you're open and honest and use protection...unfortunately, seems a lot of people don't. Therein lies my repulsion when I find out a guy makes a habit of sleeping around. Of course, add emotions to the mix (you really like this guy) and then your feelings become even more understandable. Irrational, perhaps, but understandable. 1
Author louisebroc Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Thank you so much for your very helpful replies. So I had it out with him and told him what I was thinking without attacking him because frankly he didn't do anything wrong. He explained it to me that it happened with one girl very early on when I was hot and cold with him and he didn't think we were going to go anywhere. Thinking back now I can see how he would have thought this by my behaviour. Anyway it really helped me see that I was creating things in my imagination and thinking the worst of him and that it had more to do with whats gone on in my past than him really if I'm honest. I do feel so much better for saying it to him. Thanks again 1
Andy_K Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Another example of multi-dating being detrimental to forming relationships. This is one of the reasons I don't do it... I mean, suppose you're looking back on things many years later: "Do you remember our first date?" "Yeah, it was magical. Although I was nailing another girl the night after, I was totally thinking of you when I did it." "Awww, you're so romantic" 2
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