Will he want me back?

[fldoglover]

My boyfriend and I date for almost 9 months. We were friends before and it eventually led into a relationship.

 

He was never one to really show emotions, but he was a good boyfriend. I never worried about him cheating. We got along well and had a lot of inside jokes and I felt so comfortable with him. We spent almost every night together and my friend and I moved into the same condo complex as him. He basically took on my dog like she was his own and I loved that. When people asked if we lived together, he would say "we might as well be". We did almost everything together, including grocery shopping and using the same toothbrush (he'd always forgot his when he came over).

 

Here's where the problems come into play. When I am in a relationship, I fully commit myself to that relationship. I was always the first to text, the first to make plans and I always navigated my schedule around his. He would always invite me places when he went with his friends, but for the most part, he was a bit of a hermit.

 

The 1st fight we got into was in April when he asked if I wanted to go out with him because his friends were in town. I got upset because I would ask him to do stuff all the time and it would be such a battle to get him out of the house. He asked why I wanted to be with him and I told him because I cared about him and all I was asking for was a little more effort from him.

 

The next fight came in May when we were drunk after the Kentucky Derby. We had a great time, but then came home and I looked through his phone for the 1st time (I have NEVER done that in a relationship) and he then said he didn't know if he wanted to be in a relationship anymore. We decided to go to bed and talk about it the next morning. We woke up and he said that our relationship shouldn't be hard in the beginning already (we were 7.5 months in). But he said he didn't want to break up and I told him I would back off a little. He said he had a lot going on a work, even if he didn't show it. He would never text me back during business hours.

 

Everything for the next month seemed fine. Again, we were spending almost every night together and had good communication. I then went on a business trip last week. When I got home, he picked me up at the airport and again, everything seemed normal. He even tried to be intimate with me that night. The next day after work he came over to my house and said that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship anymore. He said he didn't want us to be long term and that it was easier to break it off now. He said he wasn't having fun anymore and that I was putting in all of the effort. I was devastated. He said it so matter of factly, it seemed like he didn't care. The next day, he talked to me and said that if I calling to change his mind, it wouldn't help. He said he had thought this through and made his decision.

 

Well needless to say, I went crazy. Constant calls, texts, I walk my dog by his house and if I see he is home, I go and knock on his door. I wrote a letter begging for another chance and how sorry I was for being controlling. On Saturday, I tried to get him to talk to me and he text back saying the last time he gave me 5 minutes it was a complete waste of time and that there are no second chances. He told me that there isn't anyone else and that he needed to "cut me out of his life, so I could move on". I have been a complete mess the last week and a half, I miss him so much.

 

Yesterday afternoon, I went home and made a pros and cons list. He made little effort to take me on dates, he never complimented me, he didn't believe in Valentines day, I never got those cute texts, letters or flowers. He would always make jokes about not wanting kids and he hadn't had a serious girlfriend for two years before me.

 

I am trying to walk away and it's getting better, but I still think about the good things he did. Like how he knew my favorite foods, he would bring a jacket with us because he knew I'd forget and be cold, he would always wake up and walk/feed my dog if he knew I was tired from work and he was my comfort zone. He introduced me to his family and they loved me.

 

I know I deserve someone better, but I can't help but think and kind of hope that he'll come back once he gets used to me being gone. What do you guys think? I understand holding onto hope will get me nowhere, but will no contact make someone as unemotional as my ex miss me?

[d0nnivain]

You are sad, which is understandable but you & your EX are not on the same page. He doesn't want to be in a relationship. You antics of constantly calling & banging on his door probably made him happy he tried to end it. Sorry.

 

Keep yourself busy. Walk your dog away from his condo. Move when your lease is up if you have to.

[Elle1975]

My boyfriend and I date for almost 9 months. We were friends before and it eventually led into a relationship.

 

He was never one to really show emotions, but he was a good boyfriend. I never worried about him cheating. We got along well and had a lot of inside jokes and I felt so comfortable with him. We spent almost every night together and my friend and I moved into the same condo complex as him. He basically took on my dog like she was his own and I loved that. When people asked if we lived together, he would say "we might as well be". We did almost everything together, including grocery shopping and using the same toothbrush (he'd always forgot his when he came over).

 

Here's where the problems come into play. When I am in a relationship, I fully commit myself to that relationship. I was always the first to text, the first to make plans and I always navigated my schedule around his. He would always invite me places when he went with his friends, but for the most part, he was a bit of a hermit.

 

The 1st fight we got into was in April when he asked if I wanted to go out with him because his friends were in town. I got upset because I would ask him to do stuff all the time and it would be such a battle to get him out of the house. He asked why I wanted to be with him and I told him because I cared about him and all I was asking for was a little more effort from him.

 

The next fight came in May when we were drunk after the Kentucky Derby. We had a great time, but then came home and I looked through his phone for the 1st time (I have NEVER done that in a relationship) and he then said he didn't know if he wanted to be in a relationship anymore. We decided to go to bed and talk about it the next morning. We woke up and he said that our relationship shouldn't be hard in the beginning already (we were 7.5 months in). But he said he didn't want to break up and I told him I would back off a little. He said he had a lot going on a work, even if he didn't show it. He would never text me back during business hours.

 

Everything for the next month seemed fine. Again, we were spending almost every night together and had good communication. I then went on a business trip last week. When I got home, he picked me up at the airport and again, everything seemed normal. He even tried to be intimate with me that night. The next day after work he came over to my house and said that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship anymore. He said he didn't want us to be long term and that it was easier to break it off now. He said he wasn't having fun anymore and that I was putting in all of the effort. I was devastated. He said it so matter of factly, it seemed like he didn't care. The next day, he talked to me and said that if I calling to change his mind, it wouldn't help. He said he had thought this through and made his decision.

 

Well needless to say, I went crazy. Constant calls, texts, I walk my dog by his house and if I see he is home, I go and knock on his door. I wrote a letter begging for another chance and how sorry I was for being controlling. On Saturday, I tried to get him to talk to me and he text back saying the last time he gave me 5 minutes it was a complete waste of time and that there are no second chances. He told me that there isn't anyone else and that he needed to "cut me out of his life, so I could move on". I have been a complete mess the last week and a half, I miss him so much.

 

Yesterday afternoon, I went home and made a pros and cons list. He made little effort to take me on dates, he never complimented me, he didn't believe in Valentines day, I never got those cute texts, letters or flowers. He would always make jokes about not wanting kids and he hadn't had a serious girlfriend for two years before me.

 

I am trying to walk away and it's getting better, but I still think about the good things he did. Like how he knew my favorite foods, he would bring a jacket with us because he knew I'd forget and be cold, he would always wake up and walk/feed my dog if he knew I was tired from work and he was my comfort zone. He introduced me to his family and they loved me.

 

I know I deserve someone better, but I can't help but think and kind of hope that he'll come back once he gets used to me being gone. What do you guys think? I understand holding onto hope will get me nowhere, but will no contact make someone as unemotional as my ex miss me?

 

First, to answer your question, it's unlikely that he will want you back. You went a bit "bat sht crazy" on him, when really you should have left him alone. I understand why you acted that way, but he probably doesn't. To be fair, that's not his problem. That's yours.

 

Your neediness, this urge that you have to control him and everything, having your life revolving around his, you need to work on that. Probably read up on codependency.

 

He's probably the wrong mate for you too. Or you're the wrong gal for him, hence him not making much of an effort to be with you the way you want him to. Anyway, "love isn't enough" comes to my mind.

 

At the end of your post you say "I know I deserve someone better". I am not comfortable with hearing something like that. Not to say that you should be treated badly, that's not it. A lot of people toss around "I deserve better", but do they truly work on themselves and correct the major issues that lead their past relationships to a disaster such as yours?

[hogwild]

You are VERY LUCKY he left you.

 

The truth is you had a COMPANION not a lover. Don’t you want PASSION? Don’t you want to be adored and to feel super special and sexy?

 

What happened was, he realized he doesn’t have that spark for you. And it’s super hard to tell someone that especially after all that time together!

He knew he couldn’t marry you. And it’s fantastic that he told you NOW before wasting more of your time.

 

Yes, it sucks. But it would suck a lot worse if you DID get married and had boring boinking once a week and he rarely made you feel special and then one day he’s like, “I don’t want this any more. I’m taking the dog and we’re going to Mexico to become a professional dude-doggy dance team. We’ll be called El Amazing-o Pablo y Perro. Oh yeah, I’m changing my name to Pablo.

 

There are some important things I have to add but first I have to say that @d0nnivain has a point here. You should keep yourself busy and if you are so sensitive you should move out from this condo when your lease is up.

 

Above that you should focus on yourself and nobody else, below I will explain why.

 

@Elle1975 said straight to the point that it is highly unlikely that he will want you back. I agree with that. You are acting insecure in the relationship and before you want to be in one you should create your emotional independence.

 

There is a delicate difference between being loving and being insecure. Loving someone is great, but you, based on your story, don't realize that you weren't loved from the start the way you should be.

 

Don’t accept less than the best! Love is not the discount supermarket brand of toilet paper! Choose the cheap loving toilet paper and your ass will get burned!

 

In different words, you settled for less than any woman deserves, because you didn’t love yourself first.

 

You accepted the low amount of love and effort from this man and even though you were so giving, he were was not appreciating you and probably lost his attraction to you in the long run.

 

You didn't make him work for what you have to offer, and he took you for granted.

 

Please, stop focusing on how to get him back. You need to work on yourself first. Even if you two would get back, it would be just temporary and it you will probably end up in worse pain.

 

I think you were too giving for a man who wasn't even interested in receiving.

 

Instead of having self respect and letting him please you the way you deserve, you did all the work yourself, and you probably got resentful due to his lack of effort. You need to know your self worth and learn how to take a step back to realize if his efforts and commitment are what you really want and what makes you happy.

 

People love you more when you love yourself more and it is visible that you are love worthy.

 

Stay focused only on yourself to grow your emotional independence.

You are not ready for a relationship yet. You are too needy.

 

You should not only keep yourself busy, but most of all take care of yourself, join new groups of people, make new friends, exercise regularly, get a few new hobbies, do fun things as well as focus on work or school whatever it is you do. You need to learn how to love yourself and how to make yourself happy first.

 

The more you will succeed at that & become truly emotionally independent and self reliant, the better energy you will have and the better men you will attract. This always works and pays of in your future relationships!

 

And your guy isn’t heartless or cold. He HAS to be that way to help you move on. If he gives you hope or is “nice” to you, he knows you’ll still think of getting back together. And that’s not good for either of you.

 

Forgive him. Thank him. Now invest in yourself. Breaking up with him FREES you to find the awesome-tastic relationship you’re SUPPOSED to have!

 

Here are short videos I made for needy men, but they work also for girls. Check them out if you like & good luck!

 

 

 

 

- Hog

Edited June 24, 2014 by hogwild
typos