Tooksie Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Today I broke NC. (I lasted 1 days lol.) But I'm glad I did. He finally was honest to me after one week, since he broke up with me. Me: How long do you think this break is going to last? He said: We are hardly going to get back together so the best is for you to move on. I suck as a boyfriend and you know it, you can do a lot better. Me: But I have hope you could change, for us, He: I can't, I would so something bad sooner or later. So you really should move on.. Me: Do you really believe that? He: Yeah.. I'd rather hurt you now and never again than hurt you during our relationship. Then I asked if he could talk to me for the next days to help me get through this and he said that's fine. I really appreciate his honesty, but I have a few questions. I feel that I can't start NC now, I need this to sink in. I could next week. but do you guys think that there is some hope we could get back together? He truly was mean to me during our relationship, talking to other girls, and insulting me sometimes. But he always apologized, we never had MAJOR issues, just this one. Will he ever change and be the man of my dreams again? I really need some help. I'm suffering a lot. P.S: Sorry for my english I'm Portuguese. By the way, we are on our early teens. And we dated for 2 years and a half.
Zahara Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 He isn't responsible to get you through your pain when HE IS what hurts you. You have to heal on your own. The best thing you can do for yourself is strict NC and feel the pain. It's the only way. You won't feel better next week, you'll only feel worse because he is going to have to let go and you have to let go. No, you both are not getting back together. And you certainly do not need to be with someone that disrespects you, even if he's apologized a dozen times -- and that would mean the apology means nothing when they keep mistreating you. And those are major issues that affect your life. Will he change? He just said he isn't. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. 4
Zahara Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 He truly was mean to me during our relationship, talking to other girls, and insulting me sometimes. Will he ever change and be the man of my dreams again? This is the man of your dreams? You really need to think about this. 2
GemmaUK Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Two thoughts: He really is a jerk and knows it, he knows you don't deserve mean behaviour but that is just his normal behaviour. He isn't that into you and that is why he has been mean but also knows his feelings aren't going to change about you. Either way he isn't going to change and isn't willing to. No, I don't think you'll end up back together. NC is the best thing you can do for you. Contact with him will only make you feel worse in the long run. 1
Author Tooksie Posted June 24, 2014 Author Posted June 24, 2014 This is the man of your dreams? You really need to think about this. He acted like that on the last months. But before that, he was just perfect. That's why I have hope he could be like that again.
Author Tooksie Posted June 24, 2014 Author Posted June 24, 2014 Two thoughts: He really is a jerk and knows it, he knows you don't deserve mean behaviour but that is just his normal behaviour. He isn't that into you and that is why he has been mean but also knows his feelings aren't going to change about you. Either way he isn't going to change and isn't willing to. No, I don't think you'll end up back together. NC is the best thing you can do for you. Contact with him will only make you feel worse in the long run. Not even when he grows up? When life teaches him a lesson? NC is hard when the love is so deep.
Emilia Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Not even when he grows up? When life teaches him a lesson? NC is hard when the love is so deep. It's attachment. NC is for severing that attachment, it will get better. You don't get to choose someone's personality, when that person can't give you what you want/need and he knows it, you have to move on. You don't get to control who or what he is.
oldshirt Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 The day you will "get it" is the day it finally sinks in and you understand people are who and what they are. They don't "change." You don't manufacture them and they don't become something else just to please you. You have to find someone that already has the traits and characteristics of what you want in a partner. You can't start with someone who's mean and insulting and turn him in to someone who is nice and treats you bad. This guy is being upfront and honest with you in that he does not want to become someone else and he probably wouldn't be able to do it even if he did. You are being unrealistic here.
mammasita Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 When a man(boy) tells you that you can do better and he will eventually do something to hurt you.....LISTEN TO HIM. He's telling you the truth, he doesn't want to be with you. I know it sucks, but its true.
Zahara Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 He acted like that on the last months. But before that, he was just perfect. That's why I have hope he could be like that again. How he behaved during those last months is who he actually is. People who are "perfect" remain consistent. They don't do a 180 on you. Insulting you, treating you like crap is who he really is.
Author Tooksie Posted June 24, 2014 Author Posted June 24, 2014 Yeah, I guess I was too blind to see that. Now I have serious doubts. Don't you think this could be just a phase? That he wants out to test some waters and then realize he could change for me? Or I'm I just dreaming and this is never going to happen. In my heart I believe he will contact me someday later talking about the mistake that he made and that he should have tried to work things out with me. Because he seriously know I loved him more than anything he has no doubts on that. Am I beeing to naive here?
soccerrprp Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Today I broke NC. (I lasted 1 days lol.) But I'm glad I did. He finally was honest to me after one week, since he broke up with me. Me: How long do you think this break is going to last? He said: We are hardly going to get back together so the best is for you to move on. I suck as a boyfriend and you know it, you can do a lot better. Me: But I have hope you could change, for us, He: I can't, I would so something bad sooner or later. So you really should move on.. Me: Do you really believe that? He: Yeah.. I'd rather hurt you now and never again than hurt you during our relationship. Then I asked if he could talk to me for the next days to help me get through this and he said that's fine. I really appreciate his honesty, but I have a few questions. I feel that I can't start NC now, I need this to sink in. I could next week. but do you guys think that there is some hope we could get back together? He truly was mean to me during our relationship, talking to other girls, and insulting me sometimes. But he always apologized, we never had MAJOR issues, just this one. Will he ever change and be the man of my dreams again? I really need some help. I'm suffering a lot. P.S: Sorry for my english I'm Portuguese. By the way, we are on our early teens. And we dated for 2 years and a half. Ugh. So sorry, but you're playing the role of the victim here. Everything you've done screams lack of self control, clingyness, and more pain. It's equally crazy that you want him to help you get through this when you CLEARLY have no intention of getting through this as a break-up.
greenbee81 Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 At least he's being honest, I'd take that and run.
Baller25 Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Every time I do the dumping I always say something like "I promise you will find someone better than me" or "I'm a human piece of ****, you deserve a nice guy". I never actually mean it because deep down I believe that no woman is good enough for me (instilled by my mom). I do it because although I really do want to break up I want to leave the door slightly open in case I want a booty call later on. If you had a job that you knew was above your caliber would you resign? If you were given a company car that was far better than anything you've ever seen would you request a more humble vehicle? No! Nobody ever has a problem with having something they don't deserve — the "you deserve better than me" thing is BS especially if it comes rom us guys. Move on OP.
Author Tooksie Posted June 24, 2014 Author Posted June 24, 2014 Ugh. So sorry, but you're playing the role of the victim here. Everything you've done screams lack of self control, clingyness, and more pain. It's equally crazy that you want him to help you get through this when you CLEARLY have no intention of getting through this as a break-up. You're right on the first part I agree. But believe me I wish I could get through this right now. It's really painful, I wouldn't with this to my worst enemies. I just feel the need to talk to him and understand a bit more what went wrong.... To understand...
soccerrprp Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 You're right on the first part I agree. But believe me I wish I could get through this right now. It's really painful, I wouldn't with this to my worst enemies. I just feel the need to talk to him and understand a bit more what went wrong.... To understand... This approach will likely NOT help you. The more "desperate" time you spend with him, the more painful and more difficult.
Zahara Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 I just feel the need to talk to him and understand a bit more what went wrong.... To understand... There is nothing to talk about. He already told you that he doesn't want to be in the relationship and he's not emotionally available to be in one with you. There is absolutely NOTHING that he can tell you that will make you accept this -- except with the help of NC and you in time coming to acceptance. Relationships do not guarantee you ever after. People change, their feelings change, they outgrow the relationship, etc. You are in your teens and the likelihood of a relationship having staying power is questionable. And being in your teens, if you allow men to disrespect you and break you down, you will most likely create a negative pattern for yourself and head down a bad path. Listen to what he is telling you and let it go. He cannot give you anything anymore that will make you accept this with any less hurt or pain.
isisisweeping Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Anyone who ever says that is someone you definitely should take seriously. Stay away. 1
carhill Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 He truly was mean to me during our relationship, talking to other girls, and insulting me sometimes. But he always apologized, we never had MAJOR issues, just this one. One way to look at this is the 'meanness' cleansed whatever emotions were going on in there and, cleansed, he could indeed feel quite positive and sincere about 'apologized', until the emotions built up again and the cycle repeated. I feel that I can't start NC now, I need this to sink in. I could next week. but do you guys think that there is some hope we could get back together? Hope is a life's breath. There's always hope. Is it practical or heathy hope? That's something only you can decide. The space of NC can help you sort out the realities and the hopes and make a healthy decision, for you. Will he ever change and be the man of my dreams again? Anything is possible. This is known as 'timing'. He might be the man of your dreams, just at the wrong time in your respective life paths. It might be an honest 'miss'. That happens! He'll 'change' because he wants to change, for him, culminating in feeling you indeed do deserve his love and loyalty. Now apparently is not that time. He's been pretty clear on that. If you want to try NC, break contact information (change yours and block his) and spend some alone time working on next steps. See how it goes. Good luck!
Quiet Storm Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 It is a big red flag in a relationship when they say "you deserve better". Many women often interpret this to mean "I will try & be a better boyfriend because you are worth it". Then they hope the guy will value the relationship enough to make changes. What it really means, is "I'm not changing. I either do not value our relationship enough to make changes, or I know myself well enough to know that I am not capable of change". You don't see it, but he is actually doing you a big favor by letting you go. He knows he is not good for you, and is doing what dysfunctional people do to protect those that love them from future pain. He sounds like horrible a boyfriend, but he's at least being honest by telling you to find someone better. Some jerks will keep girls like you on a string, implying that they may have a future with him if they'll just wait until he <insert BS reason here>. You need to learn to love yourself and protect yourself. See if you can get a counselor to help with this. It is not his responsibility to help you grieve. Also, you accepted poor treatment from him and you need to find out why. When we still love someone in spite of bad behavior, poor treatment, emotional abuse, etc., it usually stems from old coping mechanisms in our past. I don't know what kind of childhood you had, but if it was troubled or if you felt abandoned by someone, it can affect your entire life. This may not apply to you, but will ring true for other women that are tolerating poor treatment in their relationships. As children, we often make excuses for our caregivers, as a way to feel loved in spite of actions that don't feel very loving. For example, thoughts like "Mommy got drunk because she's sad" or "Dad yelled & hit me because he had a bad day". We do this because our young minds aren't equipped to handle abuse, neglect, manipulation, addiction, alcoholism, etc., so we rationalize it away with thoughts like "Mommy still loves me even though she's passed out all day" and "Dad still loves me even though he's stressed". We justify why they treat us bad, but still love us. This method actually helps many kids cope. The problem is that this way of coping often carries over into our adult life, and we become really tolerant of poor treatment or behavior. We still rationalize or justify it, although this time it's our boyfriend or husband. So instead of thinking "It is unacceptable that he is so mean to me, and I am breaking up with him because he's not a good match for me", we think "He's mean because he's stressed or troubled, but he still loves me. It's OK because he apologized, etc." This thinking keeps many people stuck in bad relationships for a long time. (I know many write this stuff off as psych babble, but there is some truth in it.) I hope you will seek counseling to help you move on from him, and to also help you change some unhealthy thought patterns. I'm sorry he turned out to be such a jerk, but he is setting you free. You will be OK.
Author Tooksie Posted June 24, 2014 Author Posted June 24, 2014 Every time I do the dumping I always say something like "I promise you will find someone better than me" or "I'm a human piece of ****, you deserve a nice guy". I never actually mean it because deep down I believe that no woman is good enough for me (instilled by my mom). I do it because although I really do want to break up I want to leave the door slightly open in case I want a booty call later on. If you had a job that you knew was above your caliber would you resign? If you were given a company car that was far better than anything you've ever seen would you request a more humble vehicle? No! Nobody ever has a problem with having something they don't deserve — the "you deserve better than me" thing is BS especially if it comes rom us guys. Move on OP. No one has a problem with that. But I believe he couldnt handle me being sad all the time and felt it was the right thing. Or so I like to believe.
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