G/F giving me hell for working nights, is this is unacceptable?

[sppk33]

TheKid36 - Sort of, but no superman syndrome. I really think she can change over time, she is extremely stressed out due to her situations she is in. She sincerely apologized to me once a few weeks ago for fighting over nothing and told me i dont deserve to be treated like that and shes lucky to have me. I still love her even after what she put me though.

[Zahara]

TheKid36 - Sort of, but no superman syndrome. I really think she can change over time, she is extremely stressed out due to her situations she is in. She sincerely apologized to me once a few weeks ago for fighting over nothing and told me i dont deserve to be treated like that and shes lucky to have me. I still love her even after what she put me though.

 

This isn't love. It's a toxic dependence and attachment. What you have with her isn't love but you having emotionally and mentally conditioned yourself to accept and attach to the abuse. There's nothing healthy saying you saying you love someone that abuses you.

 

Change can only happen if she commits to long term therapy. Even then there are no guarantees. This isn't just about stress but ingrained emotional and mental issues.

 

I'm sorry you are in denial. It's unfortunate that you may just have to go through more hardship in order to lift yourself out of your fog. I hope find the help you need because you need change as well. There is a reason why you accept this for yourself.

[PegNosePete]

told me i dont deserve to be treated like that

She's right. You deserve a sainthood for putting up with ehr treatment of you. Yet despite her meaningless words, she does it AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. And you just sit there and accept it AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

 

And... don't date fixer-uppers! EVER!

Quoting myself because it's so true!

[thekid36]

TheKid36 - Sort of, but no superman syndrome. I really think she can change over time, she is extremely stressed out due to her situations she is in. She sincerely apologized to me once a few weeks ago for fighting over nothing and told me i dont deserve to be treated like that and shes lucky to have me. I still love her even after what she put me though.

 

Stress is still no excuse for sabotage. No reason for her to treat you the way that she has been.

 

Please realize that I definitely don't mean to keep being a Debbie Downer, dude. Just trying to give you my own opinion based on exact experiences.

 

My ex used to say these same exact things. I believed them for a very long time. Even still, love should be reciprocated. She may have actually loved me. As she knew how, at least. Sure, I still care about her even years after leaving. But, true love in between the both of us was simply not possible.

 

Watch the actual actions and stop listening to the wayward words. That might be the best advice I could give at this point.

[sppk33]

Thanks once again for your support. When i get off i will be strong and go to a friends house. I will get a kick out of this if she tries to contact me

[PegNosePete]

Change can only happen if she commits to long term therapy. Even then there are no guarantees.

Very true. And another thing. IF or WHEN she does get better, who's to say she'll choose to stick around with you? I've seen it happen so many times. when an ill person gets better, their personality changes so much. They realize that whilst they were ill they needed you... but now they're better, they have other options, and whilst she appreciates everything you've done to help her, you're a great friend, but you're simply not fulfilling her relationship needs any more. In fact those very same qualities that caused her to need you as a crutch when she was ill, are ones she will find unattractive when she no longer needs it.

 

This is why you should never date fixer-uppers! More often than not, when they are fixed up, they change, and no longer want you. Of course it's not always the case but it is very common. I've seen it happen with mental illness, weight loss, alcohol addiction, etc. When the issues are fixed, their relationship needs, expectations and requirements change too. If you want to help someone who is in a bad situation, then do so as a friend. If a romance blossoms after they are better, all good! But don't do it the other way around, it's extremely high risk.

 

There's even a song about it, working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. Guy thinks that helping a girl out of a bad situation means she'll stick with him forever. How did that work out for him?

[sppk33]

Stress is still no excuse for sabotage. No reason for her to treat you the way that she has been.

 

Please realize that I definitely don't mean to keep being a Debbie Downer, dude. Just trying to give you my own opinion based on exact experiences.

 

My ex used to say these same exact things. I believed them for a very long time. Even still, love should be reciprocated. She may have actually loved me. As she knew how, at least. Sure, I still care about her even years after leaving. But, true love in between the both of us was simply not possible.

 

Watch the actual actions and stop listening to the wayward words. That might be the best advice I could give at this point.

 

When we 1st started dating she was not like this at all for about 4 months, then i had to work nights and it went downhill. I think to myself that it will be like it was initally when we 1st met. Maybe she was just putting on a show and acting all nice and then her real self showed or maybe she changed.

 

OH YEAH I FORGOT A IMPORTANT STATEMENT THAT MAY CAUSE HER TO ACT LIKE THIS,

She started getting off antidepressants and i noticed she changed.

[No Limit]

Invite her to spend working nights with you. Problem solved.

[Downtown]

When we 1st started dating she was not like this at all for about 4 months, then i had to work nights and it went downhill.

Sppk, if she is a BPDer as you suspect, your having "to work nights" had nothing to do with your relationship going downhill. High functioning BPDers typically are wonderful to date during the courtship period. A BPDer's infatuation over you convinces here that you are her "rescuer" from her unhappiness and that you pose NO THREAT to her two great fears: abandonment and engulfment.

 

As soon as the infatuation starts to evaporate, however, those two fears return and you will start triggering both of them. That usually happens about 4 to 6 months into the relationship because infatuation doesn't last long. It is at that point, then, that you will start seeing her anger. Because she's been carrying the hurt and rage inside since early childhood, you don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to say or do some minor thing that TRIGGERS a release of anger that is always there deep inside.

 

Maybe she was just putting on a show and acting all nice and then her real self showed or maybe she changed.

Maybe so. If your GF were a narcissist or sociopath, the wonderful woman you saw at the beginning was all an act and you were deceived with bait and switch. If she is a BPDer, however, it was NOT an act. She almost certainly was fully convinced that you were the near-perfect man who had come to rescue her. The result was that she was "splitting you white," i.e., perceiving of you as "all good."

 

If you stay with her, those days in which you are perceived of as "all good" likely will reoccur -- but they will get farther and farther apart, increasingly rare. Instead, you will be perceived as "all bad" most of the time. If you're interested, I describe this black-white thinking at Maybe's Thread. BPDers are notorious for putting everyone in a black or white box so they know how to deal with them.

 

I think to myself that it will be like it was initially when we 1st met.

This misguided thinking is why many people will remain in toxic relationships with BPDers for many years. They mistakenly believe that, if they can only figure out what THEY are doing wrong, they can restore their partner to that wonderful person they saw at the beginning. Not surprisingly, this foolish attempt to do the impossible will nearly drive these partners crazy.

 

This is why that, of the 156 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is why therapists treat far more of these abused partners -- who seek therapy to find out if they are going crazy -- than they do for the BPDers themselves.

 

OH YEAH I FORGOT A IMPORTANT STATEMENT THAT MAY CAUSE HER TO ACT LIKE THIS, She started getting off antidepressants and i noticed she changed.

Are you saying she behaved normally before she got off the anti-depression medication? That seems unlikely because you are describing dysfunctional behavior -- e.g., instability and anger issues -- that go far beyond simple depression. As to your noticing that "she changed," I note that BPDers typically are changing every several weeks -- if not more often -- after you get past the infatuation period. "Change" is what unstable people do.

[thekid36]

When we 1st started dating she was not like this at all for about 4 months, then i had to work nights and it went downhill. I think to myself that it will be like it was initally when we 1st met. Maybe she was just putting on a show and acting all nice and then her real self showed or maybe she changed.

 

OH YEAH I FORGOT A IMPORTANT STATEMENT THAT MAY CAUSE HER TO ACT LIKE THIS,

She started getting off antidepressants and i noticed she changed.

 

My ex was not so crazy for the first few months of dating. I honestly had no clue that she was even bipolar. Then, things started to go downhill on this end when she started going off her medications without the approval of her physician.

 

Not the best thing to do when you have the issues she had and the chemical imbalance. Yet, very common with those who are treated as bipolar. As I researched and then realized. It is as if they sabotage their own selves in a way.

 

When she was actually on the meds, she was as high as a kite. When off of them, as low as a submarine. And, anything at all would set her off. It did not matter how I acted and what was done or not done.

 

I would plead with her to go back on them and that stopping them was perhaps not the smartest option. Her response was to cut herself. Oh, the fun memories of those days. How do you deal with someone you care about hurting herself on purpose? I tried everything under the sun and then some. Till the day I finally woke up out of the fog which had enveloped me for so many years.

 

Sure, all situations are different. But, there are also patterns with mental illness. No matter how hard you try, there is still a pretty solid chance that if you stay with this woman, it is not going to end so well. I don't want you to have to go through the things that were experienced on this end. I would not wish them on anyone at all.

[BlueIris]

May I ask why it is that you feel the desire to get back with her? I ask this because I stayed with my bipolar ex way longer than what should have been. Out of guilt and the gesture that I owed it to her. Not out of what was best for me or out of love. Basically, I learned along the way that I was not a martyr. No need for me to sacrifice my own happiness for anyone else. But, it took me awhile to get to this point.

 

Being that my ex had a daughter, I felt responsible for making it all work out. Being that I am an educator and do not like to give up on things, I waited around looking for any possible solution. Being that I try to be a giving person, I suffered from the so called Superman syndrome.

 

Do any of the bold statements seem similar to anything that could be going on with you?

 

Interesting. Is "Superman Syndrome" the same as or related to White Knight Syndrome? I'm curious because the last three men I started dating took a great deal of pride, with a little tragic streak, in rescuing weak women and being mistreated by them. Try as they may, they found reliable, competent women unexciting ("no attraction" once personality became a factor) no matter how flirtatious, delicate or feminine in appearance they might be.

They sought the wounded, or women who played up their wounds.

[thekid36]

Interesting. Is "Superman Syndrome" the same as or related to White Knight Syndrome? I'm curious because the last three men I started dating took a great deal of pride, with a little tragic streak, in rescuing weak women and being mistreated by them. Try as they may, they found reliable, competent women unexciting ("no attraction" once personality became a factor) no matter how flirtatious, delicate or feminine in appearance they might be.

They sought the wounded, or women who played up their wounds.

 

Hi, Blue! Basically, the same thing. I think that all situations in which this applies to are different. Let me try to explain my own experiences.

 

My ex was definitely a woman who needed help. This was in relation to being diagnosed as bipolar. I did not realize right away that she was. By the time I did, we were already involved in a relationship.

 

I felt that it was my responsibility to try to do all possible to help her and to make the relationship a more healthy one. Especially, being that she had a child before we both met.

 

There was no true love that I felt. No romance flourishing freely in between us. Just the guilt that since I was involved in getting together, that it would be the right thing to stay and suffer right along with her.

 

Not because of pride, per-se. Just being that I am by nature a giving individual. This is what made me choose education as a career path.

 

I definitely did not actively seek out a woman to save. Nor, would this be something that is important to me going forward. I just have always wanted to help as many people as possible in general. I feel that not enough people take responsibility for their own direct actions. Thus, I stayed longer than what should have been the case.

 

Eventually, I got to the point in which I finally realized that me being around was not helping her, us as a couple, or that little girl. It was just holding all of us back. Holding the daughter back because she was not seeing a happy and healthy relationship. Holding my ex back since she was always focused on me with all of her anger and it was stopping her from dealing with her own issues. Holding me back because I deserve mutual happiness with someone.

 

Leaving her was the hardest damn thing I have ever had to do. In the short term, it was agonizing at some points. Yet, in the long run, perhaps this is the most important thing I have ever done. And, the best gift I have given my own self.

 

I realized that helping the whole world and all of those that I came across was not my job nor my burden. And, that I do not have to change one part of my personality. I now try to be a giving person to those who matter to me most. Sometimes, even us givers have to take the time to take care of our own selves.

 

Hopefully, some of this has helped answer your original question. I am not a medical professional or anything like that!

[BlueIris]

Thanks, thekid36. I’m in my 50’s and I see this SO much in the single men I meet. I can see why you brought it up with OP. I’m attracted to solid dependable men (I bet most women are), and it seems that many of them have done the Superman/White Knight scenario at least once. There are some that need that role at a deep psychological level, need a damsel in distress to even feel attracted… and some that don’t. Complex critters, we humans are.

 

As OP’s story has been revealed, there is more to it than just a conflict over schedules. It’s really too bad.

[hogwild]

Hi sppk33,

 

Your girlfriend isn't crazy, YOU are.

 

You've known her for TEN years and her behavior surprises you???

 

Ya know, I used to own a pet monkey and everyday he would hug me when I came home. But about once a week he'd reach down with a scooped hand and hurl a load of stinky monkey meatloaf at the wall while screaming.

 

I'd get so mad because I'd have to wipe down the walls and I'd yell at him.

 

But I should have stopped getting mad because I was the one who decided to get a pet monkey!

 

And sometimes monkeys throw poop and scream!

 

I know what you're thinking, "My girlfriend is not a monkey!"

 

And you're right. She's a cat. A scaredy-cat. That's your woman. Accept it.

 

Acceptance comes with understanding.

 

Understand WHY she is this way. It's probably something deep and scarring from her past.

 

You always only have 3 choices in life.

 

Accept it fully (so stop complaining!)

 

Change it (highly unlikely unless you're a master therapist)

 

Leave it.

 

If you don't leave, you are CHOOSING to deal with a woman this way. So her behavior is the PRICE of being with her. Is she worth the price to you?

 

Many women are a pile of wacky hormones. IN DESPAIR, they "freak out." Men are a pile of OTHER wacky hormones. In despair, us guys "jerk off" or "have sex with a random walnoceros woman just because we need to release our prostate nectar."

 

Every woman is different and has different needs. Some of them are very sensitive, some insecure you might have a romance at work, some are scared to stay at home alone without their men. And some are cool with you being gone but then again, that might make you feel unneeded.

 

From a sweet kitten, some women can turn into Queen Kong when they are hopeless and depressed about some unresolved issue that happens to trigger their bad emotions. And Queen Kong throws a lot of crap!

 

Her behavior about your night job might be an excuse to show you the resentment regarding some other issue.

 

Her behavior is awful and it is clearly coming out of some sort of insecurity, fear or feeling not important. Find out what it is exactly.

 

Her reaction might be acceptable to some degree, if you managed to understand her side of the story. It is time to talk to her about it gently, so she can open up to you.

 

She wants to feel safe and understood, you want to be appreciated... With some true effort, there is a way to satisfy the both of you.

 

Anybody's poor reactions can be limited with the right understanding approach, nonetheless you need to stand up for yourself as well so she can respect you.

 

Make it clear that you want her to appreciate you & state calmly that you will take care of her needs, but if next time she blows up with suicide ideas, or locking you out of home, you won't tolerate it and you will chose to have some time apart. Far apart. Like Alaska. And you'll be the only nurse for miles around and you have to make personal visits to sexy women in igloos.

 

Find out what works to calm her fears.

 

Two options if you choose to deal with this:

 

1 - Do everything you can to make her feel safe. Call her every moment you can from work. Get her what she needs to feel safe. Hire a bodyguard. Bring her to work with you and have her sit in the lobby... whatever it takes.

 

2 - People stop being scared of stupid stuff when there is something much worse to be scared of. Like, you stop thinking about your headache when a wild goat kicks you in the front teeth. Soooooo... tolerate no bullpoopy. Lay down the monkey-fetchin' law!

 

Say, "Woman, I love you. But your behavior is totally unacceptable. I'm leaving you and not contacting you again until you get your life together. You want a family and a future? Then I need to do my job and right now it's at night. If you can't deal with that, you can start dealing with being single.

 

This is not a bluff. You must be prepared to move on.

 

If you can't live without her, she'll always be able to throw a tantrum at you.

 

Best case, communicate clearly and calmly about how you and her want to be treated and reach an adult understanding and your relationship should grow. And you'll climb great heights like the Empire State Building for the wedding of Queen Kong and you, Nursezilla!

[thekid36]

Thanks, thekid36. I’m in my 50’s and I see this SO much in the single men I meet. I can see why you brought it up with OP. I’m attracted to solid dependable men (I bet most women are), and it seems that many of them have done the Superman/White Knight scenario at least once. There are some that need that role at a deep psychological level, need a damsel in distress to even feel attracted… and some that don’t. Complex critters, we humans are.

 

As OP’s story has been revealed, there is more to it than just a conflict over schedules. It’s really too bad.

 

I am honestly a little worried about the OP. Because, I see some things in his posts that are familiar to a past situation on my end. Such a shame that some good souls out there can be so easily manipulated.

 

It was not until getting out of my own situation that I was able to finally see the light. When I did, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Just because we are used to something does not by itself make it right. Change is not easy at all. Sometimes, it is sort of scary. Does not necessarily make it any less important.

 

No need for us to permanently change who we are. Perhaps, just best to change the person we are temporarily with.

 

Caring about someone is not the same as true love.

[preraph]

She has some kind of anxiety disorder, I think, that needs therapy. You can't be there with her 24/7 and her reaction to it is totally unacceptable. Sometime when you're not fighting, tell her she needs to see a psychologist or psychiatrist (anxiety meds) and deal with her anxiety because YOU are not responsible for it! Tell her she needs to do this before you'll consider marriage and that in your career, you will always have to work some nights.

[sppk33]

She called me and apologized after I was locked out for half the day at my friends house. Im picking my stuff up today and im going to try not to take her back. I dont know if she even wants me back but if she does im going to make this clear; im telling her i will leave her if she acts like this to me again. If she doesnt agree ill leave without hesitance.

[Fondue]

Walk in with earphones/headphones/whatever in your ears, listening to music. Pick up your ****, and leave the house.

 

If she tries to talk to you about something, nag you, etc., tell her you're not talking today and here for one reason and one reason only: your stuff.

 

Don't look at her. Don't acknowledge her. Don't even say hello.

 

Walk in, get your things, walk out.

 

Or maybe you can arrange a time with her when she's not home and you can pick up your ****. That'd probably be even better.

 

You don't need this woman in your life, man. Not at all.

 

She is (was?) blessed to have you in her life. You even said her child began to get attached to you. You treated this woman like a princess and she takes taht and throws it back at your face.

 

Give her one back. Leave her and be done with it. Let her stew and think about what "could have been," had she been an actual decent, thankful human being.

[thekid36]

She called me and apologized after I was locked out for half the day at my friends house. Im picking my stuff up today and im going to try not to take her back. I dont know if she even wants me back but if she does im going to make this clear; im telling her i will leave her if she acts like this to me again. If she doesnt agree ill leave without hesitance.

 

This news is what some of us have been hoping to hear. It is a huge step to realize that it is not okay for her to treat you like this. Please continue to have this acute strength as you move forward. No matter what, may you come out of this an even stronger man.

[Fondue]

She called me and apologized after I was locked out for half the day at my friends house. Im picking my stuff up today and im going to try not to take her back. I dont know if she even wants me back but if she does im going to make this clear; im telling her i will leave her if she acts like this to me again. If she doesnt agree ill leave without hesitance.

 

Sorry to be a dick, but I really believe you're making a terrible decision.

 

You said it yourself that you have been putting up with her shenaningans for a while now. That you've accepted her behavior and allowed her to apologize her way back in to your good graces.

 

How do you know this isn't going to happen again? Just like it did this time. YOu'll accept her back. SHe'll be "good" for a little bit, then blow up again... WHat happens then? Are you going to say the SAME thing?

 

Are you actually going to walk away THAT time?

 

Think about it.

 

Best to nip it in the bud ASAP. You don't need this, bro.

[BlueIris]

She called me and apologized after I was locked out for half the day at my friends house. Im picking my stuff up today and im going to try not to take her back. I dont know if she even wants me back but if she does im going to make this clear; im telling her i will leave her if she acts like this to me again. If she doesnt agree ill leave without hesitance.

 

That’s great, OP. I don’t know why you’d go back unless you’re going to have a hard time financially on your own. Did you live together? It doesn’t look as though you have a place of your own. Were you both on the lease or mortgage, or is she the only one on it?

[Omei]

OP about your hope for her to change because for the first 4 months she was good...

 

People are on their up most behavior in new relationships that's what makes the honeymoon so good at the time they're you perfect match we all try hard to be the perfect partner within the first few months.

 

My abusive relationship wasn't abusive till I had moved in and lived happily together for nearly a year without incident, but then for the next 4 years it was hell and it never changed.

 

She will say sorry again and again but when she gets upset she has no control thats clearly been shown to you and you telling her you will leave if she does it again just keep your bags packed people cannot deal with problems differently overnight it will take her lots of time to train herself to be in control, she will still make threats they have worked before and you stayed she won't ever change until there's actual real consequence aka you leaving for good even then she may not change for her next partner.

Edited June 25, 2014 by Omei

[BlueIris]

Ack, too late to edit. Hopefully you’re not liable on a lease or mortgage. No matter who promises what, get your own place now so you have freedom of choice.

 

Not saying you are, but LOTS of folks get into relationships and unstable living situations out of financial need or financial advantage/convenience. Best to avoid that.

[Downtown]

I honestly had no clue that she was even bipolar. ...Her response was to cut herself.

Kid, there is a good chance your Ex has BPD in addition to bipolar. A recent large-scale study (pub. 2008 ) found that 36% of bipolar-1 sufferers also have comorbid BPD. I mention this because the cutting you saw is strongly associated with BPD in clinical studies. A 2004 hospital study, for example, concluded that "the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder." See J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004.

[FitnessRN]

I found out with a 1 day notice that I would have to cover someones night shift the next day. I let my gf know ASAP and she got MADLY PISSED and threatens me to leave or tells me to leave because she is irate.

 

I am a nurse and sometimes each month I have to work 3-5 night shifts per month. This is part of my job, I dont even have one year of experience yet because I just finished school almost a year ago.

Once I get more experience I wont have to work nights any more and will get a day shift job that she wants. She works days, and I usually work more evening shifts than day shifts.

 

She always gives me total hell when I let her know my schedule about the night shifts. This is what she did previously in the many fights she had with me working nights: she will lock me out of our room, lock me out of the house, ignore me for a week,threaten suicide, break up with me.

 

We been together for 1 year and known each other for about 10 years.

She wanted me to marry her. The thing she cant stand about me is when I have to work nights because she is needy and scared to be home alone at night.

 

She has a kid who calls me dad sometimes even though her daughter has a dad who she sees more than me and my g/f. Her kid loves me and always asks about me.

 

I think it is not acceptable to do this to me. Is this not acceptable to you also?

 

She is being selfish, and not understanding. Who would throw away a relationship with a kid involved because you have to work some night shifts. This is just temporary and I told her that but she is impatient.

She even told me to quit my job or she would leave me once and actually broke up with me once for working nights.

 

Someone told me this; "You are a true man because you raised and took in a kid who is not even biologically yours." You shouldnt be treated like this, Your girlfriend should be down for you like you are for her"

 

 

 

Ha!

 

 

Bro, you need to tell her you're working or she's out! I wouldn't take her crap!