carhill Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Leaving is salvation. Get down on your knees and thank the deity of your choice for the opportunity to live life in a manner which speaks to you. Other humans come and go, no differently from the patients you work with every day at your long job. Caution: Being a male nurse, if you trend to the 'helper' personality, there is a marked predisposition for 'helping' her and 'fixing' this, e.g. do just the right thing and love her enough and she'll let you. Up to you man....
Author sppk33 Posted June 24, 2014 Author Posted June 24, 2014 I wont leave without talking to her once more. I did not get a chance yet to talk to her after our fight. Im going to see what she says.. If she ignores me for a week or says she never wants to see me again IM OUT We fought too much over this many times over the months and I keep staying thinking we wont fight over this again and our relationship will go back to normal. But I am unsure if she is the same person I met.
BlueIris Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 I disagree, Carhill. It’s valuable to learn how to build and keep a relationship, to balance your individual needs and the relationship itself, and to speak up clearly but productively. Quitting can become chronic. I hope it works out OP. I don't understand why this is something to fight about. She needs to decide, and that's an internal process.
MidwestUSA Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 I wont leave without talking to her once more. I did not get a chance yet to talk to her after our fight. Im going to see what she says.. If she ignores me for a week or says she never wants to see me again IM OUT We fought too much over this many times over the months and I keep staying thinking we wont fight over this again and our relationship will go back to normal. But I am unsure if she is the same person I met. Can I ask if it's JUST the proposition of working nights, and if indeed it's based on a true fear? Is there anything else that sets her off this way? There's going to be times you're called on for all kinds of stuff in nursing - pulling a double (just when you thought you were clocking out), being on call (for me, it was 72 hours at a stretch) - all depends on what you venture into. Congrats on your career; we need more men!
thekid36 Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Im afraid if i leave i will regret it and she will manipulate me and if i want her back she will give me hell and not take me back. She told me if i walk out on her she will never take me back. I did once already and she took me back after a week of trying. She told me awhile back shes going through tough times and she wont be like this after a year or so ( shes in school and works full time ) She sincerely apologized to me a couple weeks ago when she had a moodswing over nothing with me and said shes trying to work on this and she will change and shes lucky to have me and i dont deserve to be treated like that So, words are a huge part of who I am. Being a writer is sort of within me. Despite all of that, even I realize that actions mean so much more than words. Thoughts that stand all alone are sort of empty. If you honestly think she is being sincere, then maybe you can give it some more time. You definitely do know her better than any of us. But, if time continues to pass and she is still singing the same tune, then put on your dancing shoes and get out of there. Don't let yourself be a doormat.
GoreSP Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Take two weeks vacation but tell her you quit your job for her. Then spend the whole time in your pjs watching tv or playing video games. See how she likes that. Or you can just dump her entitled ass. I doubt she will ever stop giving you crap for your night shifts. 4
Els Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Not acceptable. It's ridiculous and she sounds unstable. If she is genuinely afraid of being alone at night then she should try to solve it via other means (as someone suggested, a dog or alarm). Not by throwing a fit when you have to work. 4
GravityMan Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Please grow a backbone, OP! Good grief. It's absurd that you'd put up with her craziness for so long. Get her some help (you're a nurse so hopefully you have some appropriate connections), or put your foot down and calmly but firmly tell her that something needs to be done to try and deal with her issue...or else it's over.
MissBee Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Based on what you're saying, about her fear of being alone at nights, while her behavior is unacceptable and unreasonable, it seems to come out of this irrational fear and I can understand where if someone has an irrational fear they may react in ways that are over the top because of their fear. So while I don't give her behavior a pass, I think if she is fearful of being at home at nights you should talk to her about this and try to address this issue and see if she can come to a better place where she is more comfortable with this. I think that might be useful to your relationship and you may find that she realizes how irrationally she's acting and may admit why she fears it so much and may be able to work on getting to a place where she isn't as scared and thus needy about that. My hunch is that she isn't just irrational and selfish for no reason but it may be stemming from some fear of being home alone at night that may be possible for her to overcome and if she addresses it things may improve for you guys, as she may be able to relax a little bit more about the night shift situations.
carhill Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 She always gives me total hell when I let her know my schedule about the night shifts. This is what she did previously in the many fights she had with me working nights: she will lock me out of our room, lock me out of the house, ignore me for a week,threaten suicide, break up with me. Does this trend to the black or white behaviors of BPD? I get disagreements and fights; stuff happens, but lockouts, ignoring for a week, threaten suicide, etc? Something seems off about that, especially juxtaposed with the expressed fear of being alone. OP, take a look and, if some stuff rings a bell, perhaps research a bit more: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/476455-leaving-them-borderline-personalities 1
Omei Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Unacceptable I think whenever a relationship ever gets to the point of suicide threat in order to get what you want from someone ITS OVER you cannot ever have a healthy relationship with someone using emotional blackmail. She needs help and its not your job to help her.
Eivuwan Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 (edited) I agree with everyone that her behavior is not acceptable and she needs to be in therapy. However, I also question whether this is a good time for you to try to have any sort of long-term relationship. Night shifts are really hard to deal with even for normal healthy people. Edit: Oh wait, I misread. I thought you worked nights all the time. If it's only 3-5 times a month, then yeah, she Really has problems. Edited June 25, 2014 by Eivuwan
Downtown Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Sppk, I agree with the three respondents who said that you seem to be describing a woman who is emotionally unstable. Significantly, the two most common causes of instability are strong hormone changes (e.g., pregnancy, puberty, and perimenopause) and drug abuse. Yet, you say nothing about her abusing drugs, being pregnant, or being old enough to be menopausal. For this reason, I note that the two remaining, common causes of instability are bipolar disorder and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Significantly, you do not seem to be describing the warning signs for bipolar. I therefore agree with Midwest and Carhill that the behaviors you describe -- rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), verbal abuse, temper tantrums, controlling behavior, suicide threats, and lack of impulse control -- sound like they are closer to the warning signs for BPD than to those for bipolar. Importantly, I am not saying she has full-blown BPD but, rather, that her BPD traits may be well above the normal level. If you want to know whether your Ex has a full-blown disorder, you would have to take her to a professional and hope that he would get her permission to tell you the diagnosis. Only professionals have sufficient training to perform a diagnosis. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the warning signs for these two disorders if you take a little time to read about them. There is nothing subtle about red flags such as strong verbal abuse, suicide threats, and rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde. I therefore suggest you read my list of typical BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of BPD warning signs in Rebel's Thread. The link Carhill provides also points to an excellent overview of BPD warning signs. If those descriptions ring many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you -- and I suspect Midwest and Carhill would be glad to participate too because they have experience with BPDers. Take care, Sppk. 1
firmness Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 More proof men LOVE crazy! No. Men love women, and they wait until men are hooked and THEN act crazy. Then we have to come here and get advice on how to deal with it. Men HATE crazy. Stop doing it.
carhill Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 OP, if you find such startling interactions to happen suddenly and without obvious circumstances and always are wondering what's coming next and watching your every word and deed for triggers, there may be a problem in the personality disorder area. That's how I separate out the BPD-trending stuff from BP2, in that the latter behavioral changes occur more slowly and predictably. TBH, most of my experience is with psychosis, so am a relative amateur with BPD, mainly because a couple people I happen to love trend to it and I love their spouses too so am not going to abandon them. It's a good day when I don't get yelled at or something thrown at me for just showing up. I like good days OP, can you identify with that?
jbelle6 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I'm TERRIFIED at night, I live alone and just have my son here too. I still have no sympathy for this woman. I have had to deal with the issue. What did she do the whole time she wasn't with OP??? What would she do if they broke up? It's no ones job to deal with her issues. OP, I highly doubt that this crazy behavior of hers only comes up about you working nights. I am sure she has a whole plethora of crazy, you don't threaten suicide over a work shift. What would she have done if you were just going out with the guys, bet you aren't "allowed" to do that? Here is another case where I feel if the sexes were reversed some of the responses would be different. Can you imagine a man telling a woman not to go to her job or he'd kill himself or leave her, didn't want her going out at night with friends etc etc? Nuts, I dealt with crazy ONE TIME. Never again. NEXT. 3
Author sppk33 Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Thank you I waited for her to come home today. When she came home she locked the door to our room so I couldnt get in. I heated up dinner that I cooked and opened the door with a credit card and put the dinner on the table and closed the door and walked out. She ignored me. I sat at the dinner table sad, and I smelled smoke. I ran inside our room and went to the bathroom and she lit a photo album on fire in the bath tub. Smoke was filled everywhere and she yelled at me and told me to get out. 10 minutes later she started packing all my things up in boxes and told me to get out (i think she put all my stuff in boxes because she lit the photo album on fire and smoke got everywhere in her whole closet and ruined alot of things now cuz it has a strong smoke smell) I told her i wont tolerate this anymore and i left early to go to work tonight. I knew what BPD was along time ago, and I thought she had this.
Author sppk33 Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 You are right Jbelle6. She has been irate and got mad and fought with me over the simplest things.
MidwestUSA Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Thank you I waited for her to come home today. When she came home she locked the door to our room so I couldnt get in. I heated up dinner that I cooked and opened the door with a credit card and put the dinner on the table and closed the door and walked out. She ignored me. I sat at the dinner table sad, and I smelled smoke. I ran inside our room and went to the bathroom and she lit a photo album on fire in the bath tub. Smoke was filled everywhere and she yelled at me and told me to get out. 10 minutes later she started packing all my things up in boxes and told me to get out (i think she put all my stuff in boxes because she lit the photo album on fire and smoke got everywhere in her whole closet and ruined alot of things now cuz it has a strong smoke smell) I told her i wont tolerate this anymore and i left early to go to work tonight. I knew what BPD was along time ago, and I thought she had this. So sorry it came to this. Better now than years of misery and the push/pull, the threats, the drama. Keep yourself safe and good luck. 1
Smilecharmer Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 (edited) She needs to deal with her own fears. Her behavior is completely unfair to you. Sorry you have to deal with this. She seems unstable. The burning album thing is nutters. Time for you to get out of this situation before you're hurt. Edited June 25, 2014 by Smilecharmer 1
thekid36 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Thank you I waited for her to come home today. When she came home she locked the door to our room so I couldnt get in. I heated up dinner that I cooked and opened the door with a credit card and put the dinner on the table and closed the door and walked out. She ignored me. I sat at the dinner table sad, and I smelled smoke. I ran inside our room and went to the bathroom and she lit a photo album on fire in the bath tub. Smoke was filled everywhere and she yelled at me and told me to get out. 10 minutes later she started packing all my things up in boxes and told me to get out (i think she put all my stuff in boxes because she lit the photo album on fire and smoke got everywhere in her whole closet and ruined alot of things now cuz it has a strong smoke smell) I told her i wont tolerate this anymore and i left early to go to work tonight. I knew what BPD was along time ago, and I thought she had this. Not the same exact disorder perhaps, but still similar. I was actually married to a woman who had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for a few years. Constant mood swings. For no real specific reason and without warning. Came home from work one day and she had all the windows boarded up and sitting in the dark. On a 120 degree day in Arizona. She took all the money out of my bank account one night without warning and left. Only for me to be silly enough to take her back. Left a sad suicide note at that time and got out of Dodge. I called the cops in a panic. This had the good ol' boys at my house for over 24 hours claiming I had done something to her and was simply hiding it. Is this the kind of road you want to go down? You need to get away from her like yesterday. My ex actually had a child in all this mix. One I tried to treat as my own. Even still, I had to leave for my own sanity. Whether this is some chemical imbalance within her, or not. Not relevant to your own happiness in my opinion. Not even an easy first step to take. But, one you are going to have to make.
PegNosePete Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I'm sorry this happened to you dude, but believe me, in time you will realize it is for the best. She is extremely unhealthy and it was an unhealthy relationship. Be glad you're out of it. When you meet someone who treats you right, you will realize what a terrible relationship this was. 1
Author sppk33 Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Thank you for your support. Im at work now thinking... I didnt even post this yet but some of you have already read my mind; Why in the hell do i still want to get back with her? I do and am thinking of talking to her tommorow if i can find a way inside the locked apartment. I read this long article by shari schrieber called At any cost: saving your life after lovinga borderline girlfriend and it correlated some of our problems.
PegNosePete Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Don't do it dude. Seriously, if you take her back (or talk her into taking you back, whatever), then in a year's time you will be in exactly the same situation. Wondering how to get out of a bad relationship. Wondering how to get out without her threatening suicide, feeling bad, using the kid against you, etc. I was in the same situation - I was living with someone with mental issues who would emotionally abuse me in a similar way. And I am so glad I got out of there. She is not a patient or a project for you to fix, she is supposed to be your partner. You've done your community service bit by trying to help her. You've done your time, and she is throwing it back in your face. Time to get YOUR needs satisfied. This is your escape clause. She has handed it to you on a plate. Seriously you need to TAKE IT because you may not get another. It will hurt in the short term but trust me, in a year's time you will be SO much better off. I am. And... don't date fixer-uppers! EVER! 2
thekid36 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Thank you for your support. Im at work now thinking... I didnt even post this yet but some of you have already read my mind; Why in the hell do i still want to get back with her? I do and am thinking of talking to her tommorow if i can find a way inside the locked apartment. I read this long article by shari schrieber called At any cost: saving your life after lovinga borderline girlfriend and it correlated some of our problems. May I ask why it is that you feel the desire to get back with her? I ask this because I stayed with my bipolar ex way longer than what should have been. Out of guilt and the gesture that I owed it to her. Not out of what was best for me or out of love. Basically, I learned along the way that I was not a martyr. No need for me to sacrifice my own happiness for anyone else. But, it took me awhile to get to this point. Being that my ex had a daughter, I felt responsible for making it all work out. Being that I am an educator and do not like to give up on things, I waited around looking for any possible solution. Being that I try to be a giving person, I suffered from the so called Superman syndrome. Do any of the bold statements seem similar to anything that could be going on with you? 1
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