erika2610 Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 StillHurtin.. in that case, I can totally see why you blame her. And yes, we do still hurt when it's all done. After me and my MM were done, I felt like my world ended. I cried for weeks and weeks. And working with him made it so much worse. Until I got to the point where I could walk by him and hold my head up high, knowing I was a better person for ending it. And when I was upset, it was doubly worse cuz I had noone to turn to. Everyone turned on me, viewing me as a bad person. I AM sorry for what you have been through, and I hope you somehow come out of it a special person.
sylviaguardian Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Erika, Thanks for helping us all here see another side. In some cases, I can see that the oW and the MW are singing from the same hymn sheet! At least you broke it off yourself and can hold your head up high. I am sorry that you haven't got any support - I hope coming to this site helps. Syl
erika2610 Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Thank you .. and it does help. I went through it for a year, and now I go to the OM/OW forum and try to help some of those girls their who're trying to get out. Believe it or not, alot of OW ARE trying to get out, just don't have the strength. And it's hard to admit you've basically been played for a fool by these men. I truly do feel sorry for the W's. My MM had my name in his phone under the name Bob. I called his phone one day, and he must've left it at home like a dummy. His wife then called me back and asked if I had a Bob living with me. I just told herr she needed to talk to her H. I honestly did feel bad for her. That was the beginning of the end for me. I felt so bad for her. She was a sweet woman. Just sitting at home, raising her kids.. going about her life.. cluless that her husband was playing HER for a fool too..
sylviaguardian Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Originally posted by erika2610 And it's hard to admit you've basically been played for a fool by these men. She was a sweet woman. Just sitting at home, raising her kids.. going about her life.. cluless that her husband was playing HER for a fool too.. Yep, you are certainly right on that one. Syl
Author I Survived Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 I believe the most important factor in making a relationship strong and lasting is communication. In my situation, my husband did not tell me that he was feeling unimportant to me. I had so much going on in my life (mother living next door had dementia) that I didn't even notice. I had some serious health problems (back surgery) and my job really sucked. He was out of work for 10 months and feeling lower than whale crap. For a man, the job defines who he is. For a woman, if she works outside the home, it's the job, and the kids, and the house, and shopping, and her friends. All of those things define us as a person. When a man is out of work, it really hits him hard. I could see it, and I tried to help, even suggested counseling, but he kept saying he was okay. Now, if a man doesn't know he's feeling ignored, he can't tell you. It was a terrible time for both of us. So he went back to work doing contract jobs right about the same time my mother moved to assisted living. I figured now I would be free to spend more time focusing on him. Little did I know, that was the same time SHE contacted him. Talk about irony. They had no contact for 30 years and there she was. He was transported in his mind back to the time when he was young. They had dated for about a year so they were connected already. They talked about old times, what they had done, where they had been, their kids, etc. Then they started to talk about their spouses, and their unhappiness. It was like a snowball. It grew and grew until they became so obsessed with each other that it was all they would live for. Everyday they would talk on the phone or email each other. He sent her pictures of himself, the kids, anything that he thought she might enjoy. He had an emotional marriage with her without the chores, and the financial responsibilities, without the worries. And there I was..... wondering why he was being so mean, not wanting me to even go to the store with him. We went on a couple of vacations and he continued to communicate with her from there. He bought her gifts, she bought things for him. He sent mail to a PO box, she mailed her things to him at his office. They were immersed in each other. I don't need to blame any one person in this situation. We were all a part of it, all affected, and we all made some bad choices. It took time for me to break through to him and get him to realize that hooking up with her again was an attempt to turn back the clock. With her and the memories they had, he could be 19 again. Why wouldn't anyone who moved beyond the big 50 not want to feel that way? I just wished that he had asked me first. I can tell you honestly, he was not looking for anyone to have an affair. She was the one who took the first step and he fell for it hook, line and sinker. I shudder when I think that I could have lost him and I thank god that I trusted my gut when it told me something was wrong. So - you OW and OM - no one is blaming you - we're just asking that you think before you make that move. There are lots of men and women in the world, some are already married, and if you sense they are having trouble in their marriage, pay attention to that red flag that goes up. It would be a bad idea to get involved - at least in my situation, my husband is still with me and now she is left with her memories and still thinks he'll be back. What a horrible waste of time. Life is way too short to remain in a place of unrealistic dreams.
erika2610 Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 No offense.. but you sound like you're making excuses for him. Noone held a gun to his head and told him to have this A did they? He could've said 'no'..
Author I Survived Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 No offense to you either but you don't have all the facts. You don't know where my H head was at the time. I don't know how old you are but when people get to a certain age they tend to look back and take stock in where they came from, what they've done, or not done, and it can be depressing. Now, add to that, being unemployed. For a man that can be a very traumatic thing. I'm not making excuses for him. Yes he could have said no, but he didn't even know what he could say no to. It began very innocently, as most affairs do. So, walk a mile in his shoes, then tell me how you would have behaved.
erika2610 Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 I'm actually mid twenties. All I'm saying is that when people get into affairs, they know what they're getting into..
Author I Survived Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 when i was mid-twenties i felt the same way.
newby/one who knows Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 im sorry erika but did you know what you were getting into? i didnt! i'm not defending the mm entirely but chances are he didnt know what he was getting into either.
erika2610 Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 As I said, I'm not trying to offend you or upset you. I'm just saying it sounds an awful lot like you're making excuses for him. Oh, well, he felt this, and was going through that. There is no excuse to have an affair. If you guys were having problems, or he was having issues, he should've talked to you about it. Just because I'm young, doesn't mean I don't know anything about this subject..
erika2610 Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 No, but he knew what he was doing. And no, I didn't know what I was getting into. I never claimed to know.
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