Amount of sex not what it used to be after moving in

[tme0]

My fiance and I have been engaged for almost 3 months. We've been together 2 years.

When we first started having sex, we were seeing each other about once a week, so we had sex once a week (every time we saw each other)

Then as our relationship progressed, we'd see each other once a week still, but we'd be spending the entire weekend together (2 days) and we'd have sex either 1 or 2 times then.

Well, I moved in 1 month ago. Basically, we've had sex when I've initiated. Whenever we do have sex, he gets really into it and takes over..just he doesn't initiate. We had sex twice in the past week and a half, at my initiation. He did initiate one spontaneous round when we were in a hurry to go somewhere, which was awesome, but other than that, it's me.

His job is very demanding. He works from 8 am until whenever they get done which is often 8 pm, maybe later, so he gets home exhausted and he has said that is why he hasn't really wanted sex. Which, I can completely understand. Well, hes got this whole week off. Haven't had sex. Have talked about it, he'll say something dirty to me about having sex later, but then when later comes..hes tired and wants to go to sleep.

I don't really get why this is happening. Before, he'd be the one to initiate almost all the time.

He still acts the same way, other than this. He still is very playful with me, tells me constantly that I'm sexy or beautiful, tells me he loves me, etc.

And I know some people will bring this up, no he's not cheating and yes, I'm sure. He's never on his phone and he comes home straight after work. On the weekends (his days off) we spend the whole weekend together. His computer is always logged in and facebook and emails are always logged on. I know the password to his phone. Now, I don't look at any of those things, because I trust him, but if something was going on, he wouldn't leave all of this up and easily accessible to me.

 

I've talked to him about it and like I said, he said he was tired from work and of course he wants to have sex with me still and finds me sexy (I asked). I've even been working out (doing Insanity) everyday trying to get even fitter. I dress nice and wear makeup and whatnot too, so I'm not letting myself go or anything.

 

Any ideas?

[central]

He sounds LD (low drive). How old is he? Men's testosterone levels decline significantly in their 40s and beyond. If younger, he could simply have a low T for a number of reasons. And some medications diminish sex drive, too.

 

First step, read up on medical causes of low sex drive, and see if any apply, and get him a physical with complete blood work, including cortisol as well as testosterone, estrogen, etc. (A hormone specialist is far better than a GP for these issues, but you do want to rule out blood pressure, cholesterol, blocked arteries, etc. first).

 

You are also at the 2 year point in your relationship. Initial attraction hormones wear off right about now, and your past circumstances never gave you an opportunity to establish his sex drive during that period.

 

So, he could simply be LD - and there is NO fix for that, so you accept it and live with it or move on - or there could be a medical (maybe even psychological) problem to look into.

[tme0]

He's almost 26.

[d0nnivain]

Get this addressed before you get married because it won't get better.

 

Try morning sex?

[central]

Morning sex - yes. If he doesn't often have morning erections, then there is definitely a physical or hormonal problem, given his age.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well he's not going to tell you he doesn't find you sexy and doesn't want to have sex with you anymore...

 

I always wonder why women even ask those kinds of direct questions to something like that...unless the guy is a d!ck, extremely stupid or has a death-wish for the relationship in which you'd never let him live it down or forget it.. that's not going to happen, even if he didn't find you that sexy...there is no other appropriate response, he would get into all kinds of hot water saying anything else.

 

With that being said, I don't think that's your problem.

 

Judging off the beginning of your relationship, meeting once a week, having sex once a day (assuming) it seems pretty reasonable that this guy isn't exactly a lion in the bedroom. I think that was a good indication of what was to come, because people don't often suddenly change at some point just for the hell of it...unless there's some kind of major trust issue or something blocking the way, or some medical condition.

 

And for a lot of people this is on par with their sexual expectations, that definitely sounds like a good sex life for many married couples and probably about average for relationships on the whole, but I wouldn't say that's where they start at...most people have more sex in the beginning in general.

 

Problem is, that if you were expecting a better sex life than what you're getting, I think you might be a little disappointed in the end...he may not initiate because he's insecure, maybe because he's tired...for me personally even when I'm tired I will still have sex because for me it's even more relaxing, it'll put me to sleep like a baby watching his little merry-go-round pony thing that floats in the air above his crib...I don't consider sex strenuous, but fulfilling and bonding. Now I might not be doing my special moves and back-flips, it might be extremely lazy...but dag nabbit it's definitely intercourse.

 

So if you ask me, a fish doesn't just swim in water depending on the amount of it...meaning if you're a sexual person you are going to be sexual, just like if you go to the gym you go to the gym, even with little time and energy, maybe not to your fullest capacity but you will figure out a way to incorporate it, because it's more of a need than just a side maintenance kind of thing.

 

You'll notice that people making excuses (including ourselves) are usually just making excuses.

 

I don't think you're going to see more sex in the future forecast, i think for you it's always going to be partly cloudy with a little bit of drizzle. I wouldn't base your sex appeal or desire on this man, I know I know that's pretty much what all women do, it's like telling a bird not to fly...but this sounds like partly or even mostly a case where his opinion and desire for you validates your appeal, but that's not really how it works. Even a more sexual guy could be going at it more often than him and still not find you as loving or desirable as he does overall...a lot of it has to do with the guys own personal desire, women take things from men way too personal and it's just the wrong thing to do, men don't react or respond 9 times out of 10 because of you.

 

Now maybe if I'm fishing for some alternative possibility of a problem...I'd say you could dig deeper or just open him up more sexually, initiate more, teach him how to initiate and what you like, try to "explore" your relationship more intimately and sexually...see if any of that helps him build confidence...because you want to be real careful about questioning his manhood or performance or drive, men are real pussycats when it comes to that stuff...a guy like this needs a gentle hand and guidance, and ultimately you have to realize that although it may improve slightly, this might not be the most sexually compatible guy in the world for you...it's just something you're going to have to figure out if you can deal without, and like most women I'm sure you'll at least try...for a very long time...before you even decide to leave over something like that, which you won't.

 

So again, in spite of what your insecurities may tell you, I don't think its you, and I don't think he's cheating...it's great you're looking hot and sexy, doing the whole insanity thing and trying to get fitter, I would find that very arousing..but for him, it might not flip his switch because there really isn't a switch to be flipped, some guy are satisfied with a lower end sex life.

 

The only exception to this would be here is if you were considerably overweight and out of shape but weren't in the beginning and just let yourself go a bit, that might put a dent in this guys sexual desire for you or opinion, but being that this has always been the norm...for 2 years! I mean, reading the writing on the damn wall for the most part....basically. But no, you cannot "alter" someones drive or desire for you even if that was the case, you can only communicate and try to experiment together to improve it, the other person has to have the desire/motivation before anything will change in a relationship...you don't just do something by yourself and magically it fixes everything.

[Poppygoodwill]

Our emotional states affect our sexual desire. Yes, even for men though some conventional wisdom would say that their penises are unattached to their hearts and minds - they are not. They are very much attached. YOu've just moved in. taht's a massive change and adjustment to make. Even when you're both really into it - it's still a massive change in the relationship. He might be - consciously or not - getting comfortable with the magnitude of what this decision means and working it out for himself.

 

Give it some time. Unless you're panicking, thinking that you might ahve made the wrong choice and gotten yourself a dud....just be patient and let things find their natural balance.

 

And BTW, many things can be sovled by talking, but some things definitely can not. Varying levels of sexual desire and all the emotional charge that comes with it is a topic to tread very lightly on. I would say less is more in the conversation department, as forcing a convo might make the whole thing that much more awkward and self-conscious and difficult.

[TXGuy]

He's almost 26.

 

Ouch. 12 hour days can take a toll on the libido, but at 26, you should have to be fighting him off.

 

It is a good sign he can get revved up once you get him started, so it might be his stressful job. Is this something that is short or intermediate term? Or is this type of stress going to be throughout his career?

 

ETA: the point made above about moving in was spot on. I didn't address tht, but could be a factor.

[tme0]

Ouch. 12 hour days can take a toll on the libido, but at 26, you should have to be fighting him off.

 

It is a good sign he can get revved up once you get him started, so it might be his stressful job. Is this something that is short or intermediate term? Or is this type of stress going to be throughout his career?

 

ETA: the point made above about moving in was spot on. I didn't address tht, but could be a factor.

 

Well he's starting a new job next week, and it's 8-5, so hopefully that will help. He said it would.

[thekid36]

My fiance and I have been engaged for almost 3 months. We've been together 2 years.

When we first started having sex, we were seeing each other about once a week, so we had sex once a week (every time we saw each other)

Then as our relationship progressed, we'd see each other once a week still, but we'd be spending the entire weekend together (2 days) and we'd have sex either 1 or 2 times then.

Well, I moved in 1 month ago. Basically, we've had sex when I've initiated. Whenever we do have sex, he gets really into it and takes over..just he doesn't initiate. We had sex twice in the past week and a half, at my initiation. He did initiate one spontaneous round when we were in a hurry to go somewhere, which was awesome, but other than that, it's me.

His job is very demanding. He works from 8 am until whenever they get done which is often 8 pm, maybe later, so he gets home exhausted and he has said that is why he hasn't really wanted sex. Which, I can completely understand. Well, hes got this whole week off. Haven't had sex. Have talked about it, he'll say something dirty to me about having sex later, but then when later comes..hes tired and wants to go to sleep.

I don't really get why this is happening. Before, he'd be the one to initiate almost all the time.

He still acts the same way, other than this. He still is very playful with me, tells me constantly that I'm sexy or beautiful, tells me he loves me, etc.

And I know some people will bring this up, no he's not cheating and yes, I'm sure. He's never on his phone and he comes home straight after work. On the weekends (his days off) we spend the whole weekend together. His computer is always logged in and facebook and emails are always logged on. I know the password to his phone. Now, I don't look at any of those things, because I trust him, but if something was going on, he wouldn't leave all of this up and easily accessible to me.

 

I've talked to him about it and like I said, he said he was tired from work and of course he wants to have sex with me still and finds me sexy (I asked). I've even been working out (doing Insanity) everyday trying to get even fitter. I dress nice and wear makeup and whatnot too, so I'm not letting myself go or anything.

 

Any ideas?

 

First thought as to this. You should not have to be the only one to initiate sex. Not that there needs to be a scorecard, per-se. But, he should desire you enough to make some of the effort. A lot of women tend to take that as a positive.

 

Work and other outside factors can play a part in the sexual drive of a person. Key word there though being a part. It worries me that he has had time off and is still not showing more initiative. Something which should come from within.

 

Just because he is not cheating on you does not mean that this is going to be any less of an issue going forward. I have been in multiple relationships in which there was limited amounts of sex. You may get to the point in which your frustration leads you to stop trying to initiate and this would not be good at all.

 

You said he tells you that he finds you sexy. Watch the actions and not only listen to his words. Just trust me on this one.

 

Is the larger part of the issue the fact that he does not initiate or that also he cannot keep up with your sex drive? I ask this because my own is rather above normal for a man.

[tme0]

First thought as to this. You should not have to be the only one to initiate sex. Not that there needs to be a scorecard, per-se. But, he should desire you enough to make some of the effort. A lot of women tend to take that as a positive.

 

Work and other outside factors can play a part in the sexual drive of a person. Key word there though being a part. It worries me that he has had time off and is still not showing more initiative. Something which should come from within.

 

Just because he is not cheating on you does not mean that this is going to be any less of an issue going forward. I have been in multiple relationships in which there was limited amounts of sex. You may get to the point in which your frustration leads you to stop trying to initiate and this would not be good at all.

 

You said he tells you that he finds you sexy. Watch the actions and not only listen to his words. Just trust me on this one.

 

Is the larger part of the issue the fact that he does not initiate or that also he cannot keep up with your sex drive? I ask this because my own is rather above normal for a man.

 

Its just him not initiating that's worrying me. He did yesterday though, so that's good.

We are also in the process of buying a house, so he's been busy with getting all of that going.

[thekid36]

Its just him not initiating that's worrying me. He did yesterday though, so that's good.

We are also in the process of buying a house, so he's been busy with getting all of that going.

 

Sounds as if there is no reason to suspect that anything specifically is really wrong. Being a little busy can make someone tend to be more tired. As long as he still does initiate it, then I would not be too worried.

[Poppygoodwill]

Let me get this straight....in fairly short time frame you've gotten engaged, moved in together, are in the middle of buying a house AND he's starting a new job??

 

Okay - he's stressed out. I'm starting to think you're a bit self-involved to be focusing on his sexual scorecard rather than on his state of mind and how he must be feeling given all that's goign on for you two right now.

 

Then again - if you interpret sex as the status indicator of the healthy bond between you, then now is the time to help him understand that --- before you marry and he doesn't realize that he might be working his backside off for the relationship, but you will still suspect him of treachery because he doesn't want to shag like a bunny.

[tme0]

Let me get this straight....in fairly short time frame you've gotten engaged, moved in together, are in the middle of buying a house AND he's starting a new job??

 

Okay - he's stressed out. I'm starting to think you're a bit self-involved to be focusing on his sexual scorecard rather than on his state of mind and how he must be feeling given all that's goign on for you two right now.

 

Then again - if you interpret sex as the status indicator of the healthy bond between you, then now is the time to help him understand that --- before you marry and he doesn't realize that he might be working his backside off for the relationship, but you will still suspect him of treachery because he doesn't want to shag like a bunny.

 

Yes, all of that stuff is true. And everything is happening quickly, with the job and the house.

I don't consider sex to be the status indicator of our relationship or anything, I guess it's just unusual that he's not as interested in sex. He always has been even when busy so I guess I just figured he'd still be like that now.