Help! Not sure what's going on in my HEAD/HEART!

[Ricki]

Good Afternoon everyone. This is my first post here and I think I'm really glad I found this place. I've been poking around a bit and seen some really great responses to others posts, but none of them are close enough to my situation to kick me in one direction or the other.

 

To completely understand this situation, a bit of background is necessary, so we must go back over a decade. I was a 24 year old single mom (my son was 3-4 during this time period) attending a local community college where I met the then 21 year old Mr. X (gotta love the mystery, right?). Mr. X and I hit it off quite well and began dating exclusively after about 3 months. We were the best of friends, could talk about anything and rarely fought about anything for long. As time moved on, we got closer and closer and fell totally in love. The only issues in this relationship were my insecurities (I was horribly insecure and in need of attention - I flirted mercilessly (yet harmlessly) to get it and his jealousy of both the men who paid attention to me and of me, myself (he seemed to think I had a lot going for me and he didn't think he did). He's also indicated that he didn't think he was good enough for me at the time. Well, after nearly 2 years of dating, we began to fight more often. And of course, as in every relationship, something came along to complicate it more - I was pregnant! For the next 9 months...we'd get back together, break up, get back together, break up, etc. Finally, I had my second son, tried very hard to make things work on my own with a 4 year old and my newborn, but couldn't. Health concerns got in the way and despite help from family and friends, I made the heartwrenching decision to give my second son up for adoption. At this point, I had given my son to my ex while I recuperated from my health issues. When I told him of my decision, he flew off the handle. We argued, cried, argued again and finally came to the realization that the best thing for my son was to give him the family we couldn't provide. After the court hearings and an emotional goodbye to my son, my now ex moved out of state to attend another school with a boatload of hurt, anger and guilt - and a new girlfriend in tow. This is where our contact ended at that time.

 

I was devestated! I built so many walls up around my heart over the next few years so I would never feel like that again. Oh, I dated and even had a few serious relationships over the years, but I would never, ever let anyone in like I had him.

 

Fast forward...I'm now 36 years old, it's nearly 12 years since I've seen or heard from this man. I'm comfortably married to an emotionally unavailable man that I'd been dating on and off for nearly a decade. We own our own home, I'm successful in my career and, well...comfortable. And of course, I'm not allowed comfort for long (I married in 2001)! One day whilst reading email, I run accross an email that I don't recognize. After opening the email, I realize, it's from the father of my secoond son!! It's a very long, heartfelt appology letter, explaining many of the things that had happened that I didn't know about and just saying that he wanted to let me know that he held no bitterness or grudge and was genuinely sorry for treating me as he had. Much to my dismay, my heart lept into my throat!! I reread that letter several times a day for a week before I responded with a very cautious letter back that said I had never been angry, never held a grudge and had simply been very sad and hurt for several years after he'd left. I ended the email with my contact information and my instant messenger ID's and welcomed the reconnection with a friend.

 

Well, we've been talking constantly since then. I can feel walls that I've had for nearly 12 years crumbling despite my best efforts and my emotions are all over the place. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my life is very comfortable. I purposely married a man who wasn't very demonstrative of his feelings because I didn't think I could take it. We've had our problems over the years. He's cheated, I've pulled away, he's placed personal ads on the internet at least three times during the last 6 years and somehow turns any confrontation over how this hurts me into me being unreasonable. However, we have a very comfortable, intertwined life. It's truly like living with a very good friend with occasional physical contact.

 

I think the man from my past feels some connection for me as well. In our time apart, he married the new gf he left the state with, had 3 beautiful children and subsequently discovered a few years ago that she had been carrying on local and online affairs. After trying to make his marriage work, he moved out about 1.5 years ago. We've not seen each other as we live nearly 600 miles apart.

 

I guess my question is...do I upset my comfortable life to follow what my heart is telling me and explore this old relationship and feelings that never truly died or do I back off completely (not sure I can do this) and tell my husband what I think is missing in our marriage (already done this a few times and nothing changes) and try to make it into what it should have been before we married. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to make a mistake either. I'm so confused...is it possible to love them both - only in a different way?

 

I would truly appreciate any help/feedback y'all could give me. I'm totally struggling here with what my head tells me is right and what my heart feels.

 

Thanks alot.

 

Ricki

[tiki]

Of course it's not fair to do this to your husband. Your first mistake was not communicating it to him, the fact that you received a letter from your ex. And your second mistake being, you giving this man your contact information.

 

You owe your husband more. Sure, he's done things wrong to you in the past, but he deserves this? The want that you have for another man? No one deserves that.

 

I'd not recommend that you take this any farther. Cut off all contact with your ex. You owe that to your husband. Communicate to him what's been going on - the fact that you were contacted and that emotions are stirred. You guys can make it through this! Beat the odds.

 

Work on building a better relationship with him. If you've got room for emotions to be invested, I'd suggest you save that for your husband.

 

Think it through. How would you feel if he did this to you. Would it be okay? Of course not!

 

No excuses, quit.

 

You're playing with fire.

[Ricki]

Hi Tiki,

 

Thanks for the response. I think I forgot to mention that I did tell my husband that I received this email and had responded to my ex. I even told him that I was trading emails/conversations with him since then. It was nearly like he didn't care. It's not like my husband and I don't communicate, we do that pretty well and we share darn near everything, it's just a very different type of relationship than most married couples I know. We've almost become roommates rather than a married couple.

 

I've suggested counseling. I've told him over the years it feels like something's missing - I dunno...maybe romance, maybe just emotional sharing... and that's the only time our relationship deviates from comfortable into uncomfortable. He's not comfortable sharing feelings or emotions with me or anyone, for that matter. It's almost as if he could care less what I do as long as he doesn't have to deal with feelings or emotions...did that make sense?

 

I think the contact with the ex just exacerbated an existing situation that I'd tried to work on before and failed miserably. Again, I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy either...and if my husband were happy, would he continue checking his Match.com ad? That kind of behavior should hurt me again, right? I've gotten to the point where I just shrug it off and go about my life.

 

Ok...back off my post...just felt the need to clarify.

 

Thanks for replying and listening.

 

Ricki

[moimeme]

Have a read of http://www. <removed> and see if your husband will read it, too. You may be able to rekindle the spark.