The Letter

[Oregon_Dude]

I see a lot of people who have recently been dumped expressing a strong desire to write their ex a letter. The letter is usually full of emotion, and people giving advice tell them, almost without exception, that actually sending that letter is a big mistake. Don't ever do it. Makes you vulnerable, weak, pathetic-looking in their eyes.

 

After my breakup the other day, which hindsight is showing me gradually was more of a mutual decision and completely necessary, I wrote my ex a letter. The letter thanked her for the memories, the time we spent together, the good times of pure joy that will always be in our hearts. Even though I feel screwed over in some ways (and if you had to pick one person to be the dumpee, it was me), I still felt a strong desire to send a final letter showing respect and gratitude for her and the year we spent deeply in each others' lives. We may not have "made it", but we learned some things and had some amazing times.

 

Send the letter if you do not expect anything out of it. If you have any intentions whatsoever of affecting change, getting her back, etc, do not send the letter. The letter is for you. It is for you to process your emotions and to truly say goodbye to the person that has been your partner for so long. This can be an extremely effective tool is helping you fully accept that your love is gone and over. In fact, before being able to even write the letter, your intentions have to be entirely pure and imbued with acceptance of the end of your relationship.

 

Now. My letter was partly because we still live together, and I needed to make some requests (demands) that she move her stuff out. After all, she dumped me. So it was also a logistical decision to get sh*t done. But at the end of the letter I asked her to please NOT respond (you never want to get into a dialogue. Go NC AFTER you've said your piece). I said, text me or call me that you got this. (She texted and I am so glad she didn't call.. I would have been a wreck).

 

The letter can be your true acceptance of your love's demise. It can help you thank your ex-partner, apologize for your own faults in the relationship, and leave the whole thing on a positive, mature note.

 

If you're the dumper, though, it's a bit much to dump someone and then write them all about why you did it. Talk about salt in the wound. The letter is for the dumpees who want to express their emotions in a beautiful and vulnerable and honest way, say their piece, keep their dignity, and go no contact from that point forward, barring any necessary talk about "come get your stuff Saturday at 3, I'll be gone".

 

Don't fear the letter. I don't agree with people who say don't send it. Send it! But only if you really, truly do not want your ex back.

 

Best of luck in love.

 

OD

[David87]

You'll regret sending the letter after enough time will pass. Writing a letter is a great idea, hell, even write one once a week but DONT EVER SEND IT if you are the dumpee. You want to thank the dumper for what exactly ?? giving you false hope ? making you fall for them and then they dump you, blind side you ect?

[Oregon_Dude]

I won't regret it. Maybe my case is different because it was somewhat mutual, but I don't care if it gives her an ego boost at all, I had to say some things to help myself.

[David87]

I won't regret it. Maybe my case is different because it was somewhat mutual, but I don't care if it gives her an ego boost at all, I had to say some things to help myself.

 

I know what you mean, I wanted to send one my self but she started to date another dude after 2 weeks, she broke my heart the second time......

[erklat]

Unfortunately I sent one also foolishly looking for advice on

some get her back blog.

 

Don't send it. Ever. There are different ways to process your emotions

and NC is all about that.

[David87]

Unfortunately I sent one also foolishly looking for advice on

some get her back blog.

 

Don't send it. Ever. There are different ways to process your emotions

and NC is all about that.

 

The dumper gets such a huge ego boost.......awesome.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I see a lot of people who have recently been dumped expressing a strong desire to write their ex a letter. The letter is usually full of emotion, and people giving advice tell them, almost without exception, that actually sending that letter is a big mistake. Don't ever do it. Makes you vulnerable, weak, pathetic-looking in their eyes.

 

After my breakup the other day, which hindsight is showing me gradually was more of a mutual decision and completely necessary, I wrote my ex a letter. The letter thanked her for the memories, the time we spent together, the good times of pure joy that will always be in our hearts. Even though I feel screwed over in some ways (and if you had to pick one person to be the dumpee, it was me), I still felt a strong desire to send a final letter showing respect and gratitude for her and the year we spent deeply in each others' lives. We may not have "made it", but we learned some things and had some amazing times.

 

Send the letter if you do not expect anything out of it. If you have any intentions whatsoever of affecting change, getting her back, etc, do not send the letter. The letter is for you. It is for you to process your emotions and to truly say goodbye to the person that has been your partner for so long. This can be an extremely effective tool is helping you fully accept that your love is gone and over. In fact, before being able to even write the letter, your intentions have to be entirely pure and imbued with acceptance of the end of your relationship.

 

Now. My letter was partly because we still live together, and I needed to make some requests (demands) that she move her stuff out. After all, she dumped me. So it was also a logistical decision to get sh*t done. But at the end of the letter I asked her to please NOT respond (you never want to get into a dialogue. Go NC AFTER you've said your piece). I said, text me or call me that you got this. (She texted and I am so glad she didn't call.. I would have been a wreck).

 

The letter can be your true acceptance of your love's demise. It can help you thank your ex-partner, apologize for your own faults in the relationship, and leave the whole thing on a positive, mature note.

 

If you're the dumper, though, it's a bit much to dump someone and then write them all about why you did it. Talk about salt in the wound. The letter is for the dumpees who want to express their emotions in a beautiful and vulnerable and honest way, say their piece, keep their dignity, and go no contact from that point forward, barring any necessary talk about "come get your stuff Saturday at 3, I'll be gone".

 

Don't fear the letter. I don't agree with people who say don't send it. Send it! But only if you really, truly do not want your ex back.

 

Best of luck in love.

 

OD

 

The letter was pretty counterproductive and really served no purpose. I highly doubt she cares about "life lessons" and time spent together at this moment. If she did, she wouldn't be breaking up. This is equivalent to getting a rejection letter from a college and you writing back thanking them for not choosing you.

 

I'm all for writing a letter, but don't send it. Get everything out on paper.

 

Respecting time together is one thing. Writing that right after a breakup smells pretty bad. Lucky for you, seems like you don't really care lol.

[elseaacych]

That letter is physical evidence that can be used against you, either in court proceedings, or when the dumper wants to get you back (rare).

[stillfiguringitallou]

You'll regret sending the letter after enough time will pass. Writing a letter is a great idea, hell, even write one once a week but DONT EVER SEND IT if you are the dumpee. You want to thank the dumper for what exactly ?? giving you false hope ? making you fall for them and then they dump you, blind side you ect?

 

I didn't regret sending my letter. I still don't.

 

It was the most empowering and releasing thing I've done throughout my whole breakup.

 

We give them way to much power over our lives in a breakup - when 90% of us wouldn't be here if we had a self esteem and sense of self worth.

 

No one has the right to make you feel badly about expressing your emotions.

 

It's one of the things that you all do on here regularly that just makes me irritated. Telling people they look desperate - that the lost their dignity - because why?

 

They are expressing their feelings to their ex. Whom - presumedly had no issue whatsoever expressing their feelings regardless of the consequences to the other party. So why should you give a **** if you make them feel guilty - or bad - or uncomfortable.

 

Own your feelings and your experience.

 

Life gets easier when you do.

[PhillyConnection23]

I sent a letter and I have some mixed feelings about it.

 

It didn't really hurt or harm my situation any. I guess it depends (like everything on here) about the context of the relationship and the break up.

 

For me it allowed a last chance to communicate somethings when she wasn't willing to speak. It wasn't reciprocated but I know I was able to say what I wanted to say.

[Always Pondering]

Unfortunately I sent one also foolishly looking for advice on

some get her back blog.

 

Don't send it. Ever. There are different ways to process your emotions

and NC is all about that.

 

The funny thing is I stumbled on a blog some long time ago and a "mandatory" step to their process of recovery was to send one last letter to your ex. I have absolutely no interest in breaking no-contact so I decided to screw that blog.

 

I guess if you really don't care and are genuinely not in denial then more power to you. Then again at that point I wouldn't see myself wanting to even send a letter for whatever reason.

[erklat]

The funny thing is I stumbled on a blog some long time ago and a "mandatory" step to their process of recovery was to send one last letter to your ex. I have absolutely no interest in breaking no-contact so I decided to screw that blog.

 

I guess if you really don't care and are genuinely not in denial then more power to you. Then again at that point I wouldn't see myself wanting to even send a letter for whatever reason.

 

That is Own love's a$$ blog by Scott Williams. And I'm not certain you are supposed to send

the letter, but to write it down and share with the community.

 

Either way, this was some other blog.

 

I sent the letter together with the very cute and original gift.

 

Epic fail. I would not wish that kind of anxiety on any of my enemies.

 

Though, in the long run, it helped me because it empowered my opinion of

her as worthless for a commitment.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm all for writing letters to get your thoughts on paper (or on a computer screen), but the hell with sending them. A person should have to earn your inner-most thoughts. No way I'm putting my dignity and self-respect on the line for a person that doesn't want to be with me.

 

When I first wrote the letter that I never sent, it was 900 words and somewhat flowery. As I got further removed, I kept editing it down, first to 800, then to 700, then all the way down to 400. After that, I just deleted the thing because it didn't really apply anymore. It served as a nice progress report to my recovery, and I'm thankful I never sent it in any form. Would have been a terrible mistake.

[Always Pondering]

That is Own love's a$$ blog by Scott Williams. And I'm not certain you are supposed to send

the letter, but to write it down and share with the community.

 

Either way, this was some other blog.

 

I sent the letter together with the very cute and original gift.

 

Epic fail. I would not wish that kind of anxiety on any of my enemies.

 

Though, in the long run, it helped me because it empowered my opinion of

her as worthless for a commitment.

 

Yes I believe it was Scott Williams who wrote it. You have to send it to your ex and you have to share it with the community. I actually sent him an email asking if it's really necessary to send one last message to your ex and he told me there were absolutely no exceptions even after what I told him. I decided screw it. I'm sure his program has worked for others and all but I'm sure I'll find my own way without having to start contact.

 

LS has done me wonders anyways.

[Elle1975]

I am never sent a letter. What a bad idea. Sure, in the midst of things, we don't see it that way. I do have a journal, but not for break ups.

 

I like silence. He/she breaks up; you disappear; you win.

[Mr.Pine]

...I wanted to send one my self but she started to date another dude after 2 weeks, she broke my heart the second time......

 

Davey boy, she did not start to date another dude after 2 weeks. You just happened to find out about the other dude after 2 weeks because she finally went public with the other dude. This is why you were dumped. For that other dude.

 

She had mentally, spiritually, organically and methodically checked out months before she broke up with you. Coincidentally, that's when she started banging that other guy you think she started dating 2 weeks after she pummeled your heart.

 

Kapish?

[erklat]

Well it is not made for us. :/

 

I guess he presumes that people there will be freshly single.

I naturally won't break 6 months worth of NC to continue what

he suggest. I found my own path.

[organizedchaos]

Yes I believe it was Scott Williams who wrote it. You have to send it to your ex and you have to share it with the community. I actually sent him an email asking if it's really necessary to send one last message to your ex and he told me there were absolutely no exceptions even after what I told him. I decided screw it. I'm sure his program has worked for others and all but I'm sure I'll find my own way without having to start contact.

 

LS has done me wonders anyways.

 

No, that's not how it works with him.

 

In order to be a member on his forum, you have to write about your breakup story. It's not a letter to the ex, it's your story about what happened. You post it to his forum.

 

What he says for you to send to your ex, is a no contact text. A brief text telling them you agree with their decision to break up, to not contact you as you have some things to think over, and you would reach out when you were ready.

 

Then you go NC 100%.

 

His program is about how to possibly rekindle with an ex after some time of NC, or not contacting them ever again.

[Always Pondering]

No, that's not how it works with him.

 

In order to be a member on his forum, you have to write about your breakup story. It's not a letter to the ex, it's your story about what happened. You post it to his forum.

 

What he says for you to send to your ex, is a no contact text. A brief text telling them you agree with their decision to break up, to not contact you as you have some things to think over, and you would reach out when you were ready.

 

Then you go NC 100%.

 

His program is about how to possibly rekindle with an ex after some time of NC, or not contacting them ever again.

 

Yeah, that's what I meant to say, sorry if I worded it badly. I asked him if sending that text/message was necessary if we already sent a similar text a long time ago prior to NC.

 

Edit: I misunderstood, Scott is talking about a no-contact text message where OP is talking about an entire letter with other stuff. Oops. I suppose I went a little off-topic in a way.

Edited June 24, 2014 by Always Pondering

[Elle1975]

No, that's not how it works with him.

 

In order to be a member on his forum, you have to write about your breakup story. It's not a letter to the ex, it's your story about what happened. You post it to his forum.

 

What he says for you to send to your ex, is a no contact text. A brief text telling them you agree with their decision to break up, to not contact you as you have some things to think over, and you would reach out when you were ready.

 

Then you go NC 100%.

 

His program is about how to possibly rekindle with an ex after some time of NC, or not contacting them ever again.

 

I like the "have some things to think over". It's a hell of a lot better than "I need time to heal", which I really find weak. It might be true, but that's stuff for your psychologist or a best friend.

[Oregon_Dude]

On my phone so typing sucks, but I don't care if it was wrong or foolish. People make mistakes. I had to say some stuff. Dumb? Maybe. I didn't beg or ask her back. Some of you don't consider that not every breakup is the same. Whatever. Moving on, haven't contacted her since.

[triniechu]

I always thought of writing a letter to my ex and thinking about sending it. But my ex is one of those arrogant ones and he definitely will get an ego boost from it and probably talk behind my back.

 

I did feel the same way about the letter though, sending it to thank him for everything and saying my peace. But for me, I dont think it would be a good idea in my situation

[Allumere]

Letters sent. Zero regrets.

 

Exactly as stated. Send with no expectations.

 

Sent email card to ex-husband. Short and to the point. I forgave him. I want nothing to do with him but it was something I felt needed to be said. Sent from an account I opened just for that purpose and then deleted afterwards.

 

Sent email to last gent. Very long. Not finger pointing. A discussion of beliefs, value of relationship, and positive vibes. I know it was delivered. Don't know if ever read. We were in limited contact before letter and continue to be (deal breaker is not fixable so there is no "dating plan"...just re-establishing friendship over time). I never asked about letter and never will...that chapter was closed when the letter was in the mail.