UVict Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Ok so this is a very long and complicated issue, but I've narrowed it down to the main issue. I'm quite disappointed and frustrated with my best friend's decisions regarding his girlfriend. In short I feel that she is at the top of his list, while anyone else is a far away 10, he only cares about his girlfriend the rest of us don't seem relevant anymore. They have been dating 3 years as a long term online relationship, he moved overseas for the year that has just past. In that year he became very distant, I hardly heard from him, it just wasn't the same. I was quite disappointed when my other friends knew more than I did at times. As his best friend I assumed that he would to talk to me about all the serious life changes he is considering (getting married, buying a house overseas etc) but I heard nothing directly from him, until I had to directly ask (and twist his arm) him. He was always very vague and cryptic with his answers, often saying "I'll explain in person, when I get back" Very frustrating! Fast forward to this week. Last week he came back home to visit for 5 weeks. I gave him a few days to settle in, connect with his family etc before seeing how he was and when we could catch up. I was a little disappointed he didn't contact me, even a simple message letting me know he was back (considering how home sick he often was). His response was delayed by a few days, and then just said he was not sure when he could see me. The way he wrote his message he didn't even hint he was interested in catching up soon. I thought after not seeing your best mate for a whole year, you'd jump at the chance to hang out with the boys. Instead he has bought his girlfriend over for two weeks to visit the country for the first time, and he has clearly made that his priority for over half of the 5 weeks he is in the country before returning overseas for another year or 2 (I don't know, as he hasn't told me whats going on). Overall, I'm very disappointed, and feel his effort is beyond poor. I've been dealing with this kind of stuff for a majority of his time overseas and at times want to throw in the towel and not bother as I really feel like I'm not important as a friend as long as he has his girlfriend he is happy and needs nothing else. How do I deal with this? What do I do? Do I let it go and wait for him to put the offer out there? I don't know where I stand. Everyday is different, some days I look forward to him coming back (even if it is only for a couple of weeks) and others I hate him and wish he just stayed overseas. Any advice or anything would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Els Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 I think it's normal that when people are in a LTR, their bf/gf comes first. And also when people move away, sometimes they lose touch with the friends left behind. But him not even going for a guys' outing once in a year is poor form IMO. They should be able to separate for one night for him to hang out with you all, especially if they were together the rest of the time. I think the friendship has probably run its course and you should try and make other friends. 1
I don't know Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 same thing happened to me and one of my best friends just after college. Without a girlfriend we were best buds, with one I became an after thought. All he wanted to do was be with his new girlfriend. Once I came to the conclusion that he really did not care so much for our friendship, I called him once a week for 2 months trying to make some kind of plans. After he declined them all I moved on and never called him again. Knowing I really tryed made it easy for me to move on. And I suggest thats what you should do. Years later they are married with children and I see them on facebook but still no contact..
d0nnivain Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Sometimes friendships just end. Since other friends seemed to know more about your BFF then you, I think it's more than just his GF that pulled you apart. See what happens when he comes home but don't push. This relationship may simply have run its course.
preraph Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I don't think you can blame this on the girlfriend. I just don't think you guys are best friends or anything near it anymore and that that is a choice he has made for whatever reason. He is totally refusing to give you any info, or confide about anything, and is avoiding answering your questions. I don't know what happened, but just getting a girlfriend doesn't make you decide to completely shut out your best friend. He is obviously still friends with others, so this is something specific to you and him. Sounds like he's moved on. It happens.
learning_slowly Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 This happens alot with male friends. I think alot of them are codependent and for a few years they will need their replacement mum (aka gf) as much as possible. I have had friends do this and then when they realised relationships need to be worked at, they want to hang out again to discuss their problems. So if you leave it, he may come crawling back. All depends on whether you want to by then. I always try to mix gf's and friends, as surely a melting pot of ideas is better. But some personalities don't mix and maybe he thinks you won't mix with his gf. For now back off and try to make new friends. Hopefully trying to see through them and make sure they are dependable. Build up your armour against rejection as in life you will probably see alot more. And the better you can deal with it will allow you to have a happier life. Good luck.
Author UVict Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 I don't know what happened, but just getting a girlfriend doesn't make you decide to completely shut out your best friend. He is obviously still friends with others, so this is something specific to you and him. Sounds like he's moved on. It happens. I don't know either, and he's not giving anything away. I've made some offers to catch up to try and suit him and he appears busy, or can't give me a straight answer. I believe his girlfriend does have something with (not completely blaming her). She is from another country, barely speaks english and doesn't doesn't like any of his friends (even though she hasn't met us in person), she is jealous of his female friends, and dislikes the guys because we spend time with him. Basically, if its time not spent with him she gets annoyed. He falls hard, and would and has done anything for her. He moved overseas away form everything for her, he's going back to live there for however long it takes to keep her happy - without a second thought - despite being homesick and not enjoying being away from everything/one back home. If she doesn't want to live here, I wouldn't be surprised if he moved there permanently with no hesitation. I have had friends do this and then when they realised relationships need to be worked at, they want to hang out again to discuss their problems. So if you leave it, he may come crawling back. All depends on whether you want to by then. I always try to mix gf's and friends, as surely a melting pot of ideas is better. But some personalities don't mix and maybe he thinks you won't mix with his gf. For now back off and try to make new friends. Build up your armour against rejection as in life you will probably see alot more. And the better you can deal with it will allow you to have a happier life. Good luck. I don't like the idea of him crawling back, if/when that happens I feel like I will be well past caring. As above, I believe his girlfriend is calling the shots. She doesn't seem interested in meeting his friends or family, only him. And she gets what she wants all the time. I find it hard to just let it go, especially when I feel like we can't even see each other to make that call. I feel that I need to atleast see that he has changed or whatever to then accept that things are different rather than base everything on his cryptic messages/actions. A friend of mine managed to catch up with them both briefly yesterday. She wasn't impressed by either of them. Basically she said that he was different and wasn't sure she wanted to see him again (while his gf is here), in short it was a waste of her time. I was surprised to hear this from her, as she lets a lot of things slide, but I could tell she was quite heated about it all. After some thought I'm going to put one more offer to catch up out there before I go on holidays. This time with a specific day/time so there is no confusion. That way I can feel that I made a decent effort and not blame myself for not doing so. I'm so over the place with this confused, annoyed, angry... everything! Thank you for your replies.
preraph Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 But you said yourself he's still seeing other guys, so this can't just be about his girlfriend, that's all I'm saying.
Scarlet2 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 First, I would use this as a lesson and not treat any of your friends in this manner in the future if someone becomes a priority in your life, since you know how it feels do not do it to others. Secondly, I would cut back in the reaching out. He's not being receptive so now it's his move to reach out to you if he's interested. And lastly, more than likely he'll be crawling back looking for his friends that were always there for him, if the day comes when they break up. And if you choose to accept him back, I would keep some distance just in case he does it again when a new girl comes along. 1
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