Ditapage Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 I have this male friend. He flirts with me but he really hates any gossip about us at all-- we haven't dated or even hooked up--but the mere suggestion makes him paranoid, he'll stop talking to me for a few days, and he seems to be overly concerned with what people think and what they would say if we dated. A rumour that he told me he likes me went around. I laughed it off but when he heard it he made a big deal of it, telling me "we're just friends, I hope you didn't think I like you" and I had been on holiday a few weeks and he told me he had missed me but then he said later "I hope you didn't think anything of it." He also told me once that he wants to move away and meet somebody which I took to mean he doesn't want to date me since I'm here. He flirts with other girls in front of me, and gives me the cold shoulder. Then other times he'll be touchy feely with me. Why does he overreact and is it worth even having a friend who is so embarrassed about the idea of us? Why does he act this way? Is it a game?
AnyaNova Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 I have this male friend. He flirts with me but he really hates any gossip about us at all-- we haven't dated or even hooked up--but the mere suggestion makes him paranoid, he'll stop talking to me for a few days, and he seems to be overly concerned with what people think and what they would say if we dated. A rumour that he told me he likes me went around. I laughed it off but when he heard it he made a big deal of it, telling me "we're just friends, I hope you didn't think I like you" and I had been on holiday a few weeks and he told me he had missed me but then he said later "I hope you didn't think anything of it." He also told me once that he wants to move away and meet somebody which I took to mean he doesn't want to date me since I'm here. He flirts with other girls in front of me, and gives me the cold shoulder. Then other times he'll be touchy feely with me. Why does he overreact and is it worth even having a friend who is so embarrassed about the idea of us? Why does he act this way? Is it a game? On the one hand, because I recently became aware of my codependency, I've been trying to limit responses that help for the time being. Not that helping is a bad thing, but I have to make sure that I am doing it for the right reasons. But your post really jumped out at me because it sounds like you are taking his behavior to heart, and believing that it says anything about you. It is hard not to do this. I mean, just recently a man on a dating site sent me a truly insulting message, and I admit that I called up my friends to check and see if they thought there was any accuracy to it. We as women have been taught by society in many cases to place more worth on men's ideas and perceptions than our own. In many instances, society simply does place more value on men's perceptions. I cannot tell you the sheer number of times that in conversation with multiple men, very early on, I will come to some sort of conclusion about the issue at hand. All the men will shake their heads, laugh at the "little woman" and tell me that I'm way off base. They will then continue to discuss the issue for another 45 minutes to an hour and a half, and so often, one of the men will finally restate the exact conclusion I introduced early on, with an air of victorious pronouncement, and all the men will heartily agree. Because it came from a man. The takeaway. There are many reasons for this. I suspect it is possible that he actually really likes you, but isn't sure where you stand and is protecting himself from being hurt. There is not much you can do about this, because in many cases the self-esteem is so low that even if you told him you liked him, his fear might still prevent him from doing anything about it and he might still deny it. If you can handle it truly if he does, though, it might be worth a shot. But if you read nothing else in this message, read this. His treatment of you says absolutely nothing about your worth, value, intelligence, beauty, creativity, or anything about you. The only thing it speaks to, is himself and his own identity, confidence and/or lack thereof. Yes, we always do tend to value the opinions of others' that we care about more than the opinion of strangers, but we always have to be careful that we do not let their behavior or voiced appraisals negatively affect our own estimation of ourselves. 3
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 I'm not really sure what AnyaNova is going on about, some inner self-discovery awareness thing... How you can draw a conclusion that this guy likes you though even by his private behavior is way off base... This guy is not interested in you at all romantically (doesn't mean he wont sleep with you, that's a separate thing for men) he merely enjoys your company and attention that you give, he enjoys flirting with you because he enjoys flirting with women...he doesn't ever want to be caught out in the open doing it with you though, because he'd be embarrassed if people actually thought he was interested in you. To show you or remind you of your "place", he's going to continue flirting with other women and treating you like a shadow...of course until you're the only one in the room. It is pretty much a game, a game for attention...but he's not truly interested in you, some people just like the attention and interest, especially when they are not getting it from the people they want it from...if you're always there, well at least you're reliable and kind of a back-up plan.
d0nnivain Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 I got a Thou Doth Protest Too Much vibe meaning he likes you but the idea freaks him out for some reason so he goes to these great lengths to deny it. 1
AnyaNova Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 If you need a helpful summary or Cliff's notes...based on some of what I am hearing underneath the written text (i.e.--is there something wrong with me?). This is in no particular order since I weaved in and out of all three. 1) Society often teaches both men and women to value men's opinions over our own (and provided a nifty little real life example of this happening). This is not a good thing, nor should we play into it when we see it happening in the many ways that presents itself. 2) We can't let others' behavior towards us determine our own self-worth. 3) My own opinions based on his behavior (and perhaps you have trouble discerning possible motivations because you aren't used to reading your own gender. Though, obviously, since we weren't there to observe and weren't in his head, we can't say for certain, based on past experiences/observations we can come to some educated guesses... I'm not really sure what AnyaNova is going on about, some inner self-discovery awareness thing... How you can draw a conclusion that this guy likes you though even by his private behavior is way off base... This guy is not interested in you at all romantically (doesn't mean he wont sleep with you, that's a separate thing for men) he merely enjoys your company and attention that you give, he enjoys flirting with you because he enjoys flirting with women...he doesn't ever want to be caught out in the open doing it with you though, because he'd be embarrassed if people actually thought he was interested in you. To show you or remind you of your "place", he's going to continue flirting with other women and treating you like a shadow...of course until you're the only one in the room. It is pretty much a game, a game for attention...but he's not truly interested in you, some people just like the attention and interest, especially when they are not getting it from the people they want it from...if you're always there, well at least you're reliable and kind of a back-up plan. 1
JSheba Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 From a male perspective, he may have someone else in mind and is hedging his bets, waiting for a better result. Otherwise, ninjainpajamas says it all. Good luck.
MissBee Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 If a man behaved like this towards me I wouldn't waste a minute trying to figure out why frankly. Why does the "why" part matter? It just matters that he is. If I liked him any at all I would be turned off by this behavior. I believe I'm the shyt and that any man should be proud to be with me, and if a man is going to act embarrassed or constantly make it clear he only sees me as a friend and feel upset if people think anything else, then screw him! Also...some folks are saying he likes you but is protesting too much to cover his tracks or what have you...I mean....come on...even so....how is this acceptable for an adult male???? Unless you are a little boy in elementary school who thinks girls have cooties and you aren't emotionally mature enough to process liking someone then it's NOT acceptable and again, if a grown adult man liked me but felt he had to disparage and deny me because he was immature, I wouldn't waste even a second pondering that rubbish...waste of time! 1
TigerLilly78 Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 He ether A likes you but is embarrassed at the idea of people knowing it..this leads me to ask your not a plus size gal by any chance OP? this often happens with us..men will like you hell love you but are afraid of what others will say if he if shows it.That also that could explain why hes hot and cold touchy feely like some one else said a man doesn't have to be in love to get it up.. OR B hes seeing some one else? I don't know ide bet a shiny penny its A.. 2
Author Ditapage Posted June 24, 2014 Author Posted June 24, 2014 (edited) Thanks AnyaNova I appreciate the analysis. I agree that he might never be convinced anyone likes him and that seems unfair to a person who does like him and exhausting in a relationship. I've heard of women needing reassurance often but I thought men were different. I did take his behavior personally because he seems to like me then won't even acknowledge me if another girl is there in a "I hope no one thinks you and I are together" way. Its hurtful but I know he is not a secure person and is overly concerned with others opinion even when I tell him he shouldn't let rumours dictate his actions. Eg soneone says he likes me so he makes it a point to avoid me. Thanks for the encouraging words. Ninjapajamas: I think I understand it now. Liking the attention is different to liking the person and wanting to be involved with them. I agree he's not interested. I could have hope in the thou doth protest too much but the games just go on and on and on. Since he has no problem flirting and approaching girls I know he's not shy or so afraid of rejection. And I figure if someone really likes you the last thing they care about is what other people think. Thanks everyone I see clearly that I'm just his toy. I was out with another guy and he talked to him and then said to me "great dude" and I said "yeah he is" and enquired about the nature of the relationship ("is that your new guy?") and I said we were hanging out and he said Me and (other girl) have been hanging out too..." From that conversation how does he feel about me? Edited June 24, 2014 by Ditapage
todreaminblue Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 denial.....used it myself......denial when you are scared of intiiating intimacy but feeling that heart push to get close is common......you do what you can to put a guy or woman off.....you care about...because the rush of emotion and thoughts and feelings become over whelming.....you try and find fault in the object of your affections to even put yourself off, you can be rude to them say things you wouldnt normally...because you knwo you are losing yoru heart to them...the fact is...you cant do it......forever...something always gives...and normally it is a realization....you would prefer to be close to them than lose them and that push...is the strongest push a person can have...beats fear of intimacy every time..if you dont move you lose push.is more like a monumental shove.......deb
Leigh 87 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 HAHA. ha. Seriously? I have one guy who is in love with me. He thinks about me constantly - he is NOT my bf even! Then I have my boyfriend who feels the same:o Plus a guy from last year and a guy who has liked me for 4 years but is a perverted creep. Catch my drift? WHY waste a single iota of brain power on a guy who is EMBARRASSED about any romantic notion associated with you, when there are guys who would LOVE to be with you and be PROUD of it?! Life is too short!
jbelle6 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 If it's getting all around that he likes you, when he doesn't, that could effect his play with other ladies. Seems the simplest answer to me. 1
gaius Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 He ether A likes you but is embarrassed at the idea of people knowing it..this leads me to ask your not a plus size gal by any chance OP? this often happens with us..men will like you hell love you but are afraid of what others will say if he if shows it.That also that could explain why hes hot and cold touchy feely like some one else said a man doesn't have to be in love to get it up.. OR B hes seeing some one else? I don't know ide bet a shiny penny its A.. Yeah it's A. Most guys get embarrassed by that, I can't even convince my uncle to date a heavy girl and he's obese. =/ The only other thing I can think of is dating history. If you've been involved with a guy whos much lower on the totem pole than him that could also cause him embarrassment if he ever openly dated you. 1
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