RoxStar Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 Question... What do needing someone and loving someone have to do with one another??? I know that is an odd question with out any background but I came to a realization recently. I love my guy - he isnt my boyfriend more my lover but thats such a stupid term. I know he loves me too. We love each other differently though. I dont think it the typical difference like "I love you but I am not in love with you"... I think we are both in love with each other but we love each other differently. The flip side to that is that he needs me more then I need him even though I would probably say I am more in love with him then he is in love with me. Does this make sense? So what my question is I guess... Is there a correlation between how much you love someone and how much you need someone. I love him to death but he can be very needy and believe it or not its a weird thing in my brain that likes to feel needed so it works. But I dont really need him. I am extremely independent. Own my own house that I bought on my own, good job, good friends, all around independent. His neediness is more of support in an emotional way. Sometimes he just needs to be taken care of. He has a lot of depression and other issues so it just started me thinking that maybe he loves me more then I realize. Any thoughts just in general not necessarily about my situation persay. Thanks.
tattoomytoe Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 well it is hard to determine, unless you have already discussed, what each persons definitions of love are, and how strongly it felt. i think, with men especially, that if they are trusting of someone enough to share there weaknesses and difficulties, then yes, i think there are love componants of some sort involved. i am sure it helps your friend out tremendously that he can confide in you, as a friend at least, and having the "Benifits" is kinda a quasi-commited relationship, but with out the label and commitment. but i am totally with you on the needy stuff, i can't take too much, but i want to feel needed and wanted.
alphamale Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 Originally posted by RoxStar Is there a correlation between how much you love someone and how much you need someone. i cannot give u a mathmatical equation like [(N=LxT^2)/A*.05] but what I can say ROXSTAR is that you can need someone but not love them. But if you love someone you must need them. does that make any sense??
clynn Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 I've always remained in the vein that I love someone but don't need them. Anybody. Because people move away, people change their minds, people go crazy and people die. Love them, don't need them.
tattoomytoe Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 Originally posted by clynn I've always remained in the vein that I love someone but don't need them. Anybody. Because people move away, people change their minds, people go crazy and people die. Love them, don't need them. but that is where the different definitions and different types of love come in. You can love and need a person. Widowers sometimes die with in weeks or months of loosing their spouse, they shut down. not to say it is the healthiest thing, as long as it it not extreme. why would you love someone you had no need for? how would you even know a needless person enough to love them?
Author RoxStar Posted February 16, 2005 Author Posted February 16, 2005 Alpha... can you elaborate... It would be great to hear a male perspective. I do think along the lines of what tattoo said... He has let down some major walls to let me in to see his weaknesses, panic attacks, depression and some awful things and that took a huge amount of trust and I believe love to know he wasnt going to be judged. From what it sounds like Alpha is saying... maybe not??? Thanks for the replies but keep them coming... my brain is in over drive today for some reason.
savethedrama4allama Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 I don't think that you really need anyone.
alphamale Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama I don't think that you really need anyone. my definition of Love includes needing someone on some basic instinctual level, be it mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, etc... I don't think real Love can exist without Need.
Sckott Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 There's literally a slew of books that explain the simple concept that "needing" someone is literally bordering on co-dependency. Most every book I've read says there's a fine line. I'm totally guilty of this, mind you. However, this dependency wears on a relationship and it gives false hope to the person with this question. Sure, we've heard songs on the radio, "I Need You", "You Needed Me", "Without You". For me, I believe there is a need for love in all of us or else we really woulnd't be here. If we roam this earth without love, we're either going to exclude sex w/partner or go on a rampage. Either is self-destructive by nature of humankind. So I need a woman, but it's not that I cannot live without her. Two people who love each other with good communication CAN create a happier life. Two people have to want it from each other and build it. Love is a very strong emotion and gets us ALL screwed up.
Pocky Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 When I was 18 years old I had a friend complain that I didn't value my friends enough or treat them like I needed them. My response to her was, "I don't need anyone in my life. You're in my life because I want you in it, because I enjoy you in it, not because I need you in it." I don't really think anyone needs a specific person in their life. I do think that we want specific people in our life. There's a difference in my opinion.
Author RoxStar Posted February 16, 2005 Author Posted February 16, 2005 So in order to love someone there must be some degree of need. But needing someone doesnt equal love. I do believe now that I think about it that you dont need to love someone to need them but I think the type of need I was talking about in this thread was the loving type of needing... love = needing someone needing someone doesnt = love See the other thing is that I know he loves me. He has told me time and time again he doesnt know what he would do with out me and that he loves me and all that mushy stuff. I wonder if he is too dependant on me though. Hmmm...
alphamale Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 Here is a breakdown of Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs, take from it what u will: 1) Physiological: hunger, thirst, bodily comforts, etc.; 2) Safety/security: out of danger; 3) Belonginess and Love: affiliate with others, be accepted; and 4) Esteem: to achieve, be competent, gain approval and recognition. 5) Cognitive: to know, to understand, and explore; 6) Aesthetic: symmetry, order, and beauty; 7) Self-actualization: to find self-fulfillment and realize one's potential; and 8) Self-transcendence: to connect to something beyond the ego or to help others find self-fulfillment and realize their potential.
tattoomytoe Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 Originally posted by RoxStar See the other thing is that I know he loves me. He has told me time and time again he doesnt know what he would do with out me and that he loves me and all that mushy stuff. I wonder if he is too dependant on me though. Hmmm... i would say he is right over he line of needing you too much. Also it depends on the need. Does he need you so he can talk? be understood? why does he need you?
Author RoxStar Posted February 16, 2005 Author Posted February 16, 2005 Intersting Alpha... I recall that from a psych class in college actually. I would say that his needs are more 2 and 3...
Author RoxStar Posted February 16, 2005 Author Posted February 16, 2005 Tattoo... His needs vary. Sometimes its to console him when he is sad. Sometimes its more then that - like staying with him while he has a panic attack. Someone to talk to and someone to confide in. But I think its also a love need - needing human interaction/love.
tattoomytoe Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 Originally posted by RoxStar Tattoo... His needs vary. Sometimes its to console him when he is sad. Sometimes its more then that - like staying with him while he has a panic attack. Someone to talk to and someone to confide in. But I think its also a love need - needing human interaction/love. so why do you need him? and why are you two not "together" if you love and need each other?
Author RoxStar Posted February 16, 2005 Author Posted February 16, 2005 See thats the thing. I dont need him like he needs me. I guess to a degree I do need him. But I dont need him like - if he and I stopped seeing each other I would be sad but I know life goes on and all that stuff. We are together but we dont have titles. We are more then just lovers but we arent boyfriend girlfriend. I dont know why we arent together together. I am afraid titles will change things. We have a pretty active sex life and have had a threesome in the past and its all about him being into me and me being into him and that other person just gets to make out a little... its probably weird to some but it works for us. We see each other every weekend. We usually spend the night together Friday and Saturday even if one of us went out with other friends that night we still call each other at the end of the night to cuddle and go to sleep or to talk or to get it on or just hang out. We do love each other but I also think we love each other differently.
tattoomytoe Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 ok, so you have a friendship love moreso. no problems with that...unless it does not sit well with you.
Sckott Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 Roxstar, Although you don't want to classify your relationship (which would be hard to do for anyone), your relationship is built on many things such as trust and friendship. However, do you see each other being in love for another 5 years? Maybe it doesn't matter. It sounds like you are both very happy now.
Author RoxStar Posted February 16, 2005 Author Posted February 16, 2005 It all sits well with me. Actually last weekend we talked about what might be going on in 3 years and who knows but we are thinking we will still be in each others lives. I was just feeling that maybe he didnt love me as much but then I started thinking about needs and how much he needs me and sometimes it can be overwhelming but usually its just fine... anyway... I was wondering if based on how much he needed me if he loved me more then I realized.
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