My fiancee began cheating on me 3 months after proposing...

[Foreverintears]

I have never been to a forum like this - and I can only hope it helps me to get through. I have never been in the sort of pain I am now, and I don't really know how to handle it.

 

8 years ago I met the love of my life. We lived together for the last 7. We bought our first home together 3 years ago. We have no children - but have 2 siberian huskies who have always been like children to both of us. I was just a girl when we met (19 years old) and we grew up together. He was my best friend, my lover, my confidant.

 

Last summer, in August, after nearly 8 years together - he laid it all on the line and proposed to me in a Gazebo on the bay after surprising me with a picnic after work. It was the most amazing moment of my life. The ring was the most beautiful I had ever seen. I almost fainted. For the first time ever - I knew exactly what I wanted - where I was going - and who I would spend forever with. I was more in love with him that moment, than ever before.

 

In September - unbeknownst to me, he met another woman. His relationship with her was business related and they became fast friends. By October their relationship became sexual and by November, I knew he was cheating on me. Just before Christmas I called him out on it, finally having all the proof I needed. We talked for hours. Like a fool, I agreed that if he could just tell me he was not in love with her, and end the relationship, we could work it out. When he went back to work, he tried to end it, but came home in tears, telling me that she made him happy, and he wanted to pursue it.

 

For the last 3 months, I have been preparing myself to leave my home - to leave my dogs - to leave the only man I ever truly trusted. I am awaiting a closing on my house - (I am selling it to him) - and my pain is unbearable. I have to start my life over again. I may never trust again. I can't even bear to see my engagement ring, I feel like such a fool.

 

Because we are not married, we have been forced to live in the house together until the legal stuff is done. It has been so hard. He goes out with her, he's on the phone with her, he's become someone I have never seen before. I miss him so much that when I breathe I think my chest might collapse from the pain in my heart. I feel so rejected, so confused, and terrified of the prospect of moving on without him after I was so sure it would be the two of us for the rest of our days.

 

I try to talk to girlfriends, but they hate to see me in pain, and are so angry at the whole situation. I feel lost without him, because whenever I did have something I needed to get off my chest - he was the one I wanted to run to, talk to, share with...now I am alone.

 

Anyway, I am just trying to get through this. There is almost 30 days until I can move out - and I am doing everything I can to be strong, but more often than not, I am forever in tears....

[moon]

Foreverintears,

 

I really feel for you. Why did this all happen? Nobody knows. Is it bad luck; fate, karma; noncompatibility; a clearing of the way for you to find who you're really supposed to be with; a lesson in independence and strengh......who knows why this all happened to you. My ex took off with somebody else too. It sort of feels like you've been punched really hard in the stomach. But my ex wasn't such a big loss (I can understand that now), but it sounds like yours was to you.

 

It doesn't seem fair does it. You and him were so close to living happily ever after. That's what I used to think about me and my ex. But you know, it's that horrible, horrible cliche, but it sounds like it just wasn't meant to be for you. How do you know it wasn't meant to be? Because this all happened. Why wasn't it meant to be? You won't know right now. Maybe you are supposed to do greater and grander things in your life and you couldn't have done it with him. Maybe fate is pulling you to your real soul mate. We can't question these things. You did your best. You tried your best to make this relationship work. You respected this man, committed to him, gave him all that you could. Well, that's the best you can do. So stop beating yourself up!!!

 

What you can do is...get out of that house and never look back. That's the old you. Get some therapy asap!! Find a good therapist, one who really motivates you to move on. I am sure you are feeling lower than you knew you could feel right now, but you have to spend time grieving (you can't avoid it) and then move on. Life is VERY short. So you have to understand that this relationship wasn't right for you, even though you didn't know it. You have to realize that you're going to come out of all this a much stronger person. Eventually it will feel okay again!!!! Good luck to you and remember sh*t happens. We can't control everything all of the time.....there are forces outside our control. In my case I think it was a guardian angel, in yours I don't know, but I suspect you'll probably find something better and you won't know it until it crosses your path. Take care of yourself.

[moon]

By the way, remember OP you are not alone. There are tons of men and women who have their boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband scoot off with another man or women. Break ups are tough, but the betrayal of having them hook up with somebody else is much, much more painful. But you know it might help you get over it in the future because they will give you no reason to EVER want to trust them again. They will force you to reject them (if they offer to reconcile) for the rest of your life because you'll have too much pride and such a strong lack of trust that you could never be in a relationship with them again. There will be no loose strings, so-to-speak, they will force you to shut the door. So the cheating will be your closure in a sense.

 

Good luck to you. If I were you right now I'd focus on healing and finding new interests, hobbie and goals apart from your ex. I think I just know a lot of how you're feeling right now and it SUCKS!!!!! But it gets better.

[Foreverintears]

Thank you...

I do appreciate everything you said, and believe me there is a part of me that honestly thinks fate is trying to pull me to a place I could not have gone with my ex at my side. I know the wound is raw and new right now...and eventually it will heal....but right now, (I'm sure you know) its the only thing I can feel, and it consumes me whole....

 

I am doing my best...I have already found a roommate and an apartment to move into - will be leasing as of March 15 - - it hurts me enormously to lose my first home...(I loved that house!) but it is so full of pain for me, that I could not live there anyway.

 

Now I just have to figure out how I walk out the door, walk out on my Dogs who I adore and cannot believe I am leaving behind, and turn my back on 8 years of my life and all that I built...without having a nervous breakdown. I will have my best girlfriend at my side the day I leave - and I have asked the ex to NOT be there until I have moved everything out - but I know its going to be the hardest part of this whole thing....

 

Give me strength.....

[amerikajin]

Well, I guess the only positive that can come from this is the obvious: at least you found out his idea of "commitment" before you got married.

 

Man, at times I think love is just a cruel, sick game.

[BiloxiMS]

I'm willing to bet they won't make it. I know this doesn't bring you comfort, but I think the karma that's involved in situations that begin with cheating is so strong that, even if they do technically work out, they're usually not happy unions.

 

The hardest part for me when a guy and I break it off is trying to get over him while he's on the pedestal I put him on. When I start seeing him for who he truly is, that's when I usually start getting better. And I'm sorry, but your now-ex is nothing to write home about.

[amerikajin]

I agree with the previous poster wholeheartedly. Your ex will go through with the break up, but something tells me that he's already having problems with his new relationship. Even though he's selfish for cheating and dumping you, he's ambivalent enough about his own behavior that he's in tears when he tells you that she makes him happy. A part of him will miss you dearly, regardless of how successful his relationship with his new flame appears to be now. I think that will torment him just as he's going into a new relationship.

 

At some point, he'll also get past the excitement of this new relationship and realize that he's probably falling into the same patterns in this relationship. All relationships start off with a blast and then get into a type of cruising mode. If you're a good match, you can find ways to reach those highs from time to time; and if you're a really good match, you can do it often. In reality, you're lucky if you can have that same experience half the time once you get past the first couple of years together. People settle, they get used to each other. They become lazy and take the other for granted. It happens. You have to develop something deeper than just hot sex. Maybe your ex will learn that one day, but who gives a sh*t about him.

 

As for you, go out and take a break from relationships. Go out on the town, and date when you're ready to do it again. And when you do, don't just date one guy, date several. Take your time, be picky. You deserve it.