Sometimes I just want to run away...but I love her and have to be there for her.

[Seymore]

I am 35 and have been dating a 42-year old woman for a little less than a year now. We had been friends for about 3 years prior. I was a bachelor - loving my privacy and spending my free time with hobbies or just laying around the house doing nothing. She's a divorced mother of three teenage boys, so I have to say that even now, I'm still experiencing some shock in the transition. There's no peace. If I play video games I have one of her dogs stomping all over me or one of the boys saying "can I play?"

 

We had actually started dating before the divorce was final - which I know many lament and I also admit should have waited until the ink was dry - but her friends and family embraced me even during that time - her own kids embraced me the most, which I found strange until one of them told me that I make their mom happy for once and that makes him happy and he's ok with things. They want to wait for me to come over before they start their family movie night, which is one thing I think is sweet.

 

My girlfriend has no expectations of me aside from be there for her and spend some time with her boys from time to time. She does not expect ANY financial support out of me aside from the occasional date between the two of us, and even then she sometimes pays. She brings me lunch to work and does little things like that to show me she appreciates me.

 

Unfortunately, there is quite a bit of drama. While most of my family has no problem with her, my father won't acknowledge her since she would date another man before being divorced. This causes her to be upset and make the occasional remark (your dad doesn't like me anyway), but I can't control what my dad feels so I try to brush it aside.

 

When things got ugly with her divorce and her ex, I mean REALLY, like he's certifiably crazy ugly, I got very stressed out and wanted to run. She would tell me I didn't deserve this mess - but on the other hand I had friends who told me that if you love someone, you are by their side to listen to them and that I didn't have to make her problems mine, just be there for her. Well I stressed out a lot. I wanted to go back to my house for a bit (I stay at her place almost every night) just to decompress, be alone and sleep, maybe soak in the tub a bit, but she took that as me ditching her when she needed me most.

 

Once the divorce was final, we rejoiced, until her father threatened to evict her and her boys for being one day late on a rental payment - totally stupid drama. But she lost it. I sat there thinking "Does this drama EVER end?" And of course I shut down. I held her while she cried but it just felt myself starting to become numb. We had planned on a celebratory post-divorce dinner but she went on about her "father" and how she was going to post on Facebook what happened. I told her that's not a good idea and could cause her a ton of problems, and we got into a fight all the way home, with me almost leaving. She grabbed me and begged me not to leave her and after about an hour of fighting I agreed to stay. I talked to a friend later who told me again, that her problems are not my problems and when you love someone things like this will happen, and you need to be by their side if you do love them, that she didn't do anything to hurt me, if anything she is the one hurting. So the next day I helped her look for a new place to live and checked out a couple of houses with her, because she wants to get out from under her father's thumb.

 

I am writing this this morning in a daze. I'm overwhelmed. That's a selfish thing to say, I feel, because SHE is the one having the issues. But I crave peace and quiet. I crave some time to listen to birds chirping out while sipping a martini on my own balcony. I even feel like taking an entire day off to just sleep, or if I could afford it, take a road trip to California like I did when I was single. Don't get me wrong, there are times I go straight to her place after work and her boys are anxious to talk to me about the latest video game or things like that - they really do accept me and we all get along. And I like hearing about their day. And when my girlfriend comes home I really enjoy seeing that smiling face - there are times I want to hug her until her bones are mush, she's so good. I don't want to abandon them. I taught those boys how to drive, and her and them taught me how to have a little fun now and then. I'm afraid if I walk away I will make the biggest mistake ever. On the other hand, my dad refers to her as "your friend", while he's nuts about my brother's fiancee. Her family drama has lately brought with it this perpetual sadness and depression. Sometimes I have to pop a Xanax to get to sleep, I get so worked up.

 

I just don't know what to do. Maybe I'm just venting, I don't know.

[GemmaUK]

Oooh! Tough one!

 

I'd find it tough!

 

I not a one for drama and I would also find the transition from quiet me time to being surrounded tricky.

 

What drew you to her in the first place?

Is the thing that drew you still there?

 

Was there drama in the beginning that you were able to help resolve?

 

Could you see a life with her in one space with her boys and pets..with maybe a shed for respite or a hobby to keep you sane?

 

Have you always been close with your father and is this the only time something has cropped up?

 

I can't tolerate when a relationship moves too fast for me so I have to set boundaries in the beginning. Monday night is my night I do 'xyz' type thing because even in a great long term living together scenario I always still had my hobbies (as did he) and the stuff I liked to do.

Se thinks you want to ditch her because you need some time for yourself and that is exactly what happens when boundaries are not set from the start.

[Gaeta]

Yes it's a lot of drama but it's not her the source of the drama, it's the circumstances and the people around. If the drama was caused by her bad temper, lack of commitment, or an addiction it would be something else. The drama you are experiencing is temporary.

 

Your father is fussy about her but it will pass. You may want to tell him that this is the woman of your choice and you expect her to be respected while she is in your life. No unpleasant comments about her in front of you.

 

Your problem at hand can be easily solved with communication. You need your time alone, she should also spend time alone with her sons and herself. Pick a couple of days during the week where it will be your time to decompress on your own. If she sees this as you abandoning her than she is being manipulative. She made it to 42 and raised 2 teenage boys, went through a divorce, she can spend 2 nights a week without you.

[Seymore]

That is true - she is not the source of the drama. Had I just met her I'd wonder why drama surrounds her and what her role is, but from being around her and her boys for quite some time now I can tell that she just DOES have a goofy immediate family (her extended family is quite nice).

 

I have always had a good relationship with my father. He can be extremely negative and judgmental (which is my only issue with him), and when I am alone with him and my mom on Sunday nights for church and dinner alone, or out for coffee on Wednesday nights with the folks, I never bring her up and he and I get along perfectly. We laugh joke like nothing happened. The rest of my family has accepted her, some never having met her but all of them know the divorce situation.

 

Any family drama on her end I don't bother helping with, because usually anyone who gets involved in any way gets dragged in it, and it's not my business anyway. And she doesn't expect or want me to get involved anyway.

 

So Sunday nights and Wednesday nights I have my time with my mom and dad, then go back to her place. Friday nights my best friend comes over and after that I go to her place. I just need some time for just me to do nothing at all.

 

Thank you so much for your comments, everyone. It felt good just to get that out, and it feels even better to know someone's there.

[ktya]

Im 37 and while I didn't deal with the divorce thing with my most recent ex, I did with a previous ex and two different exes with kids involved. Thank god for you the kids are older, I got to deal with twin boy toddlers and a 7 year old with ADHD the first time around and a cute but high maintenance 6 year old girl. So I totally understand your experience.

 

I too was a bachelor with no kids. I had a quiet, clean house with roomates who by and large were pretty good. Luckily for you you've kept your own place, in my case I had them move in.

 

As you describe, in these situations, crisis management becomes a lifestyle rather than a life skill. Its not the kids fault, nor the womans' fault, nor the dog's fault, nor your fault. It just is one crisis after another.

 

I broke up with my most recent ex 7 months ago now. (Well she broke up with me but lets leave my story alone this is your thread).

 

The fugging crises left over from the woman still havent stopped. I have a tremendous mess of her old crap and kids toys in my garage that I am slowly making my way through. Due to her money issues I realized that I was $3000 behind in utility bills (she was to pay the bills, I paid the rent, fair deal for a two bedroom setup for her and the daughter).

 

The crazy crisis management lifestyle also scared away any good roomates I got (original deal was she would move in and I would still rent two of the three extra rooms to keep cash flow high). Between the kid and her mess and her crises, the good tenants would stay far away and the bad ones would take what they could get, so would I because I needed the money, but that resulted in yet more crises.

 

Eventually I tried having no tenants here at her urging and bequest. Couldnt make it. Between her and a friend who I had move in to help who couldnt get his act together, from Jun 2013 - Jun 2014 I was out well over $7200 in rents plus she left me with $3000 in utilities.

 

No wonder life has been hell. I'm trying to catch up on $10K in lost income.

 

--

 

Now how does this all apply to you? Well this stuff is never going to go away. The dog will always jump in your lap and the kid will always be wanting to jump in on your video games. The ex husband will ghost in and out of the picture, causing yet another scene. The kids will have their moments and destroy something in the house that will inevitably cost money and be an emergency to fix.

 

She is now the byproduct of a failed marriage, and this hits women (and men but women especially) super hard. Expect lots of crying, lots of drama, lots of angry facebook posts. You dovetailed straight in before the ink was even dry so you did not let her grow into an individual before becoming a fixture in her life. So all this drama - it's yours to hear, yours to help her deal with, yours to live. It may not be your problem, but your certainly going to be dealing with it.

 

Me: I learned my lesson. I'm not dealing with other people's problems anymore. I've put in my shift, my yeomans' duty, I've put my time, my money, my house, and even my life on the line. I have a lot of patience and empathy and its not only cost me time and money but years of my life.

 

You: Your just getting started bud.

 

What you need to do is extract yourself from being Mr. Replacement Father. You may not think you are but that's exactly what your doing. Spending almost every night at her house, hanging out with her kids, helping her sort out the crises left behind from her divorce. Your basically stepping into where Mr. Jerkoff ExHusband left off.

 

Bad idea.

 

If you are honestly asking for advice as someone who's been in some very similar situations here's what I would suggest that you do, and quick.

 

1- Find a quiet time to sit down with her without the boys around. Get a babysitter and take her someplace quiet like your place, or get the kids out of the house and do it at her place. She's gonna cry because you need to talk to her.

 

2- Explain to her how you are feeling absolutely overwhelmed and like you lost your individuality, and if things are going to work between you two you are going to need to take it back.

 

3- She will be very scared because she's leaning on you something heavy. Explain to her you will always be there for her to talk to and help out when needed, but you can't take on the role of husband and practically stepfather when you aren't one.

 

4- Explain to her that this is her divorce, these are her kids, and this is her family situation. You are happy to help, you do care about her and her kids, and you want nothing but the best for her. But that she is going to have to start looking after these things on her own because you are starting to feel like you also just recently got divorced.

 

5- Come up with some ground rules. Most importantly, that you will start staying in your house during the weekdays. You have no problem coming over for Friday night pizza movie night with her and the boys and staying until Sunday morning, having breakfast, and then leaving to go back home to your house.

 

6- She'll break down and sob. Tell her you are open to doing dates during the week outside of her house and outside of yours if she can find someone to look after the boys so you two can have purely adult time. Let her know if there's something cool going on during the week that the boys would love to do with you you'd be open to that but just not every week.

 

7- Let her know that you are always available by telephone to talk, but that she has to be mindful not to be too demanding of your time. Sometimes you want to sit in the quiet of your house talking to nobody, thats OK and does not mean that you dont like talking to her. Sometimes you may want to go out with friends, sometimes you may want to go for a walk. Your always just a text or call away but if you dont get back right away thats OK.

 

8- AND MOST IMPORTANTLY while life with kids is hard and she is going to have crises from time to time, you are willing to be there for her and talk to her but these crises cannot take over your life.

 

9- And to help mitigate the sobbing, you may tell her that once her situation is completely stable, the divorce stuff is all completely behind her, her living situation with the boys is as crisis free as living with two teenage boys could reasonably be expected to be, that you would perhaps consider moving in together with her permanently - but that you will discuss this later when the time comes.

 

Because buddy-- if you keep this up your going to get burned right out. You'll end up either fading on her and she'll be super hurt because you have become her crutch to get through this, or you'll end up losing interest and either cheating or breaking up with her.

 

Sounds like you really care about her and enjoy the company of her boys. Even step kids can be rewarding. But key is that this family is her family and she needs to get on her feet and start running her household and learn to avoid crises.

 

I had my ex's daughter call me dad from age 5-9. I taught the kid how to read, how to bank, all sorts of cool dad stuff. We even discussed before we were having problems that given that the dad is in AUS and never met the kid, I would continue to be the kids dad for continuity. We discussed this after the breakup too and we were both in agreement. Guess what. Chick met a new guy and all contact with both her and the daughter were severed instantly. I only wanted 4 hours ever two weeks, for the kids sake as much as mine.

 

So while you may love the boys and the family life - remember - this is not at all your family. In the remote chance ex hubby reformed his wayward ways and she took him back (i know you say he's a regular type ass) you and your involvement with these kids and her would vanish in an instant. If you got burned out and things just didnt work out with her and she found someone new, your involvement would vanish in an instant. Remember that.

 

So you need to separate yourself and downgrade from practically-cohabiting-boyfriend-playing-husband-and-stepdad to just plain "boyfriend".

 

You dont need to drop her like a cold potato. Just to regain your individuality. It may sound cruel and it's not, but you didnt make the decision to have a few kids, a dog, get married to some jerk, and divorce him. All these are her problems because she made those decisions

 

Remember the 3 rules

 

Rule 1- Not my problem

Rule 2- It costs money

Rule 3- No *******s

 

The whole family and divorce falls into Rule 1. I beleive I recall a previous post, while your not paying big time youve helped her out with gas and groceries and probably other stuff so Rule 2 applies for that. The Ex husband and the father fall under Rule 3.

 

Hope you can see my advice objectively and not get an emotional reaction. If I could have done that 4 years ago I might have still been with my ex.

[clia]

So Sunday nights and Wednesday nights I have my time with my mom and dad, then go back to her place. Friday nights my best friend comes over and after that I go to her place. I just need some time for just me to do nothing at all.

 

My initial reaction to your post was that you just need some "you" time. Is there some reason why you have to stay at her place seven nights a week? That seems kind of excessive to me, and I know I wouldn't like never spending a night at my own house! Can you cut back to four or five nights a week at her place, and you spend a few nights a week by yourself at your house? Maybe on Sunday, Wednesdays, and Fridays are the nights where you just go (or stay) home when you are done with your own activities.

[ktya]

That is true - she is not the source of the drama.

 

She may not be a drama queen but her life choices have caused her to be surrounded by drama. Living a drama free life is a lifestyle choice - choosing to marry a complete jerk and living under your fathers thumb who is also a complete jerk are just two major choices.

 

Like I said in my above post, I've "helped out" a few girls in distress. The drama just finds them no matter how many fires you put out another will pop up. They have to choose to live a drama free life.

[Seymore]

My initial reaction to your post was that you just need some "you" time. Is there some reason why you have to stay at her place seven nights a week? That seems kind of excessive to me, and I know I wouldn't like never spending a night at my own house! Can you cut back to four or five nights a week at her place, and you spend a few nights a week by yourself at your house? Maybe on Sunday, Wednesdays, and Fridays are the nights where you just go (or stay) home when you are done with your own activities.

 

Sometimes she tells me to do just that too - "Why don't you stay at your place tonight when you're done with your folks?". I have to learn to stop seeing it as "is this a test?" and just say "ok, you're right, I need this".

[Seymore]

Remember the 3 rules

 

Rule 1- Not my problem

Rule 2- It costs money

Rule 3- No *******s

 

The whole family and divorce falls into Rule 1. I beleive I recall a previous post, while your not paying big time youve helped her out with gas and groceries and probably other stuff so Rule 2 applies for that. The Ex husband and the father fall under Rule 3.

 

Hope you can see my advice objectively and not get an emotional reaction. If I could have done that 4 years ago I might have still been with my ex.

 

 

No I see what you're getting at and thank you. For the record, I am not expected to help financially with anything at all. Zero. I made it clear up front that I have my own mortgage, association and bills to pay. She makes WAY more than I do and can make it on her own and has been. I pay for the occasional things like gas or whatever because well…I use her stuff when I'm there. I wouldn't want someone coming into my place, using my toothpaste, soap and other things and not contributing back in some form, so that's a courtesy. And sometimes it's a fight to even get her to let me pay her back a little in that way. One night a week I will buy ingredients to cook something for HER, since most other nights she cooks for me. So the money thing is more a give and take thing, and never even close to more than I can afford. If she wants to go to an amusement park and I can't afford it, I will tell her and either stay home or if she's adamant about it, she will pay and I'll get lunch for us.

 

The father and ex and things of that sort I'm trying to keep telling myself that - it's not my problem. That is where I'm having trouble walking that line between "It's not my issue" and "I don't care at all".

[ktya]

The father and ex and things of that sort I'm trying to keep telling myself that - it's not my problem. That is where I'm having trouble walking that line between "It's not my issue" and "I don't care at all".

 

Money aside the bulk of my advice still stands. Dont let her problems consume you - her problems are the result of her choices not yours. Be there for her but let her sort her own stuff out.

[Seymore]

Understood. I also plan on keeping an eye out for what she is doing to get herself away from these dramatic situations completely - such as this housing issue. She is handling it on her own - I only agree to view the potential properties with her - and she claims that when it's said and done she is cutting ties with her father and limiting contact with any immediate family that has caused her severe problems in the past because she wants a normal life. Her actions will tell.

[clia]

Sometimes she tells me to do just that too - "Why don't you stay at your place tonight when you're done with your folks?". I have to learn to stop seeing it as "is this a test?" and just say "ok, you're right, I need this".

 

Yeah, if she's suggesting you stay at your place, you should take her up on it. It's possible that she would also like a night to herself. I used to have to shoo my boyfriend home sometimes when I wanted a night to myself, and I definitely was not testing him. I just wanted to veg on the couch by myself for a few hours.

[Seymore]

Yeah, if she's suggesting you stay at your place, you should take her up on it. It's possible that she would also like a night to herself. I used to have to shoo my boyfriend home sometimes when I wanted a night to myself, and I definitely was not testing him. I just wanted to veg on the couch by myself for a few hours.

 

Oh she definitely wants me there all the time. If I do stay at my place she keeps telling me she wishes I was there. She doesn't like to be alone. If I suggest she watch a movie with her boys, she still wishes I would be there with all of them.

[Gaeta]

Oh she definitely wants me there all the time. If I do stay at my place she keeps telling me she wishes I was there. She doesn't like to be alone. If I suggest she watch a movie with her boys, she still wishes I would be there with all of them.

 

I find this unhealthy. Yes she can wish you were there but she should be able to enjoy her evening with her sons. If she is craving your presence all the time then it's more a matter of her wanting to fill the void. Remember she has not been on her own. She jumped from a relationship to you. Her children may be crazy about you but they still need to spend time alone with their mom if she wants to nurture that bond she has with them.

[Seymore]

I find this unhealthy. Yes she can wish you were there but she should be able to enjoy her evening with her sons. If she is craving your presence all the time then it's more a matter of her wanting to fill the void. Remember she has not been on her own. She jumped from a relationship to you. Her children may be crazy about you but they still need to spend time alone with their mom if she wants to nurture that bond she has with them.

 

 

True! And I very much agree with you. I had told her since we started dating that she needs to worry about her relationship with her boys, not me, especially after a divorce. But what do you say when the response is along the lines of (not verbatim): "I DO spend time with my kids, you're just with us too, what's wrong with that? And what happens when down the line we move in together and you're going to constantly be a part of our lives anyway?"

[RuralMama]

It does sound like you need to balance the "me" time with "family" time. I think that we all go through this when we combine families and people. It is an inevitable certainty. When my husband and I got married, there were adjustments that had to be made, he is a lot like you. He likes quiet and peace - no drama. He has set a 2 hour limit. He will always give me 2 hours wherever we go, and then we leave, or he leaves and I stay. Either way, I feel grateful that he participated and he feels grateful that he could leave without me making him feel guilty. All of that to say, talking it through, working it out is part of the plan. Here is a great article that deals with talking about sensitive issues: Talking About Sensitive Issues - Focus on the Family. Hope you work it out!