RambleOn5 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 (edited) This is a long read. But I have suffered a lot. Made myself suffer a lot, actually. I just need to vent I guess, it helps with stuff. I see people ending their 25 year long marriages and other more difficult stuff. Compared to them my story doesn’t mean much. I can only try sympathize with them. We will all feel better someday. Where should I start? All I know is I should get something out there, because I am dead tired hiding everything since I was a little child. I always kept secrets. I am gonna try to cut this short as possible , as there are more important stories to tell in life. I can write a 100 pages about it, that I may be do for myself at a later time. I am gonna give a quick background story. I am 28 and currently unemployed. I do not have any financial trouble, which is good. My unemployment is quite a story. I used to pursue an academic career, doing my masters and working as a research assistant during last year. But with everything that happened, I hated it and I quit. Maybe I would have hated it anyways. I never dreamed of having a career of any sort. I am a man of my own, although that doesn’t translate into anything impressive. I had a hell of a year. On October, my sister has passed away from cancer. She was fairly young. 2 months later I lost my cousin to heart attack, who was 40. A month later, my other sister got diagnosed with cancer. Besides that, I have father issues that I have never solved. He died when I was 13. But the thing I have with him is beyond that. He was a famous man, who in short, gambled away all of his money (a lot of money) and his prestige in 10 years or so. All my childhood, basically. His life was on tv as well. The thing I have with my father is that I tried to keep everything as a secret when I was a child although it was obvious to other kids. I feel a burden, on one hand he was a very successful man and on the other, he caused great misery to our family. It is like having a overbearing shadow. I do not think its about forgiveness or anger. I feel blank, but I feel like his legacy is somewhere around me, all the time. I vent about this because I feel this is something that effects my relationships too. I write. They say I am talented. But I am not that talented in terms of selling my talent. I started dating this girl almost 1,5 years ago. She was a friend of my-ex-ex girlfriend with whom I tried to break-up, but could not. My bad, I know. I have a history of forbidden love affairs, so you can say I deserved it. So after I finally managed to break-up with her (8 months long of a rebound – a rebound from life), I moved onto her, rather quickly. She seemed like everything I asked of. We were very similar in many ways. I lived with different woman for almost 8 years with only short breaks and if you ask me, I was actually impressed with her. Only she was inexperienced (first sexual experience was me) and 6 years younger. Never mind that, she was lonely and was not happy with her life back then. She would rarely leave her house, she was flunking school etc. My friends were shocked to see me date her, because of her looks and her age (she was not that impressive, but I liked her in time), but it did not bother me a bit. They were not sure if she could offer me anything, but I helped her a great deal. I mean my presence did. Helped so well in fact, she improved her life, progressed and left me in the end. Funny thing, she sacrificed all the little things. She seemed to care more in her own weird, secretive way and she was more excited. She talked about butterflies in her stomach which I never felt. But I loved her, in my own way. I loved her a lot. The only person I can compare myself in that department is myself, so I know I did. I seemed more excited when I was younger, but I was more steady, trying to improve in big stuff to make her feel happy. First time she left me was when I was started to get a little nervous about my sisters condition. A week later my sister passed away. She came to the funeral, hiding from me and everyone else. I was disappointed that she was not on my side. Her reasons were me being overly dominant and me kind of shadowing her. Well that is who I am. I tend to do those things. We got back together in 3 weeks or so. She said she really did not figure out that my sister would pass away although I kind of warned her. She accepted that she was childish and never seen death before etc etc. Anyway. She broke up with me again 2 months ago - final. Pretty much the same stuff. She said she did not felt like a womanly enough to handle me. She said I was difficult to deal with in general (yeah I probably am). She said she is tired. She said its a clash of egos (I never felt that way, ha –ha) Although she tried to hide it, she was jealous too and afraid that I will leave her for someone else. Well, I gave signs of that but I made it clear to myself that I would never do it. Once she was sure that I would not do it, she made her own move. Problem is that she never talked about issues. Not that I am a great listener but she did not. She could have warned me or talk about things she was not happy about. Truth is she was always afraid. Paranoid to some extent. Afraid of me, afraid of others. I have my own personal anxiety and panic issues as well, but I did not fear her. Not one bit. See, she was kind of obsessed about me leaving her for one of her friends. She thought that is who I am and she is somewhat right. But I am loyal as a dog when it comes to somebody I care. I dated someone for 3.5 years without cheating, leaving or anything. Sure, I liked others, but that was about it. She left me in the end but I was fine with it. That girl is married now, because she was obsessed with it. She even reached me 2 years after our break-up, saying that she is sorry and praising me for my qualities, whatever they are. In short, she wanted me back. I truly loved that girl you see, but I was with her. Anyway, I make a short summary of the relationship because it is all about break-ups yeah? I was not that intimate, physically (not only sex). I’ve been better to other girls in that aspect. But it was not terrible, I just was having trouble with life. I tested her at times. I have a quick temper, you see. But that does not last long. I am not physically abusive. But after all, I maybe was not a good boyfriend at all. But I was great friends with her, we had an intellectual and emotional bond. We made great-great almost perfect friends in the end, to me that was the perfect relationship. For her, obviously, it was not. Everything was talked through in our relationship, nothing left unturned except for the things she wanted from a relationship. She never talked. She ended up seeing me as a manipulative, dominating man (and somewhat of a player) rather then a man full knowledge who could really write. Yeah, she hated the my so-called qualities in the end, that actually made her go at the beginning. That’s life. She has her own artistic ideals (singing and dancing) and probably saw me as a man who will never deliver and go crazy in time. Maybe she is right. We had a terrible fight just before ending things, me almost getting violent. Maybe I did. She accused me of charming one of her friends and according to her, I even enjoyed the prospect of it and she said she knew that I could easily achieve it. I did flirt to be honest. I did flirt with many other women in the end, because I was bored. I probably sensed that she was not interested in me like before. But I was not serious. That night, I was drunk, some of the things from that night escapes my memory. It ended up with her hitting me in the face when we were left alone. I guess I deserved it. I told her not to let me drink million times (started to drink a lot and develop a bad habit a few years ago, so I quit) but she wanted me to. She wanted to experience life and get drunk and get happy with his boyfriend. But that fight does not change anything at all. If she truly felt the I way felt, she would have stayed. She would have understood. No excuses. I will not tell about her shortcomings, believe me there are a lot. But I was fine with them. I have changed in time to adapt to her shortcomings. I’ve been in 5 ''long'' relationships, pretty much lived together with them. I learned that people differ, there is not such a things as ‘’the one’’ and you can give anybody up. But with her, it was a great bond, that I thought was a generous offer from the world. So I decided to take it, but she did not. My psychiatrist told me, that I was giving stuff to others that I actually need from another woman. Somebody compatible with me. He told me that he knew me for a while now and I everything I went through in my short life is actually not easy. I guess I look mainly for an intelligent friend with similar ideas,to whom I am sexually attracted. Of course, I need somebody that would not run away and bear everything with me. The rest are details to me. Not too many people have such a mindset. I broke every possible NC rule at the end of the relationship and she seemed willing too, but I did not talk my usual sweet-love-theatrics to her ears (they say I am great at that - fooling people, but I am terrible in relationships, haha) instead I sound obsessed. I am fine with that too, because I truly liked her and didn’t wanted play the game of NC. Did not want to play the game of running away so she could chase me. So have I lost in the end but that is who I am. She probably does not care as much as I do. In fact, I am sure she does not. She and her friends (best friend was a true dumb-ass who hated me from the very beginning), did it perfectly. I wish her the best. I truly hope she finds happiness and she starts talking out to the world. No point in acting like a wise man: I am a little angry at her, because she caused me great pain in difficult times. She even said that everybody has difficult times. She said life is short. I know all these things better than her and I thought this stuff wasn’t something that she should be talking about (I think the other way around), she said even meeting my family was too much for her. Oh well.. The thing that bothers me most is the fact that before we got started (I was still with another girl), she confessed me that she was sexually abused as a child by family member, whom she wont tell of course. I felt terrible about that, I still do. 1 year later, she did confess that it was only verbal (I know, its still bad). I never understood why she would make me think that it was physical for so long. It was difficult for me and to be honest, it was a mean thing to do. I guess I have a thing for broken people and she smelled it, not like she planned it but she sensed it. I gave her great confidence in the end too (so much infact I am pretty sure she will not think of coming back to me – haha), saying that she is special. No regrets in that. She needs it more than I do. I got bored though. I don't seem to like being lonely. Hooked on woman I guess. Away from school, looking for stuff to do. We used to do everything together so I really do not want to do any of the regular stuff. I guess I am looking a for a job just to feel better, but doing it half-assed. I feel struggling to overcome everything and completely focus on my passion of writing. I feel I should get better at it. Frankly, I think I am not that good at it either. English is not my native neither I do live in an English speaking country, so I am probably a little better than I seem to be. Now, gotta find a way to feel better overall. Gotta learn to leave things behind, not only my girlfriend but all the memories of old. I am also glad to meet nice people like you. Edited June 23, 2014 by RambleOn5
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