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I'm really scared of getting hurt again? And I think I just blew it with him?

LifeandPerseverance

By LifeandPerseverance
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LifeandPerseverance Established Member

LifeandPerseverance

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I'm 23. I'm starting professional school in the fall (I won't be more specific as to which kind, in case someone I know finds this and puts together the pieces).

My backstory..I got out of an abusive relationship a year and a half ago. I was young and naïve and thought this guy was the real deal..In reality he was a compulsive cheater, emotionally abusive for the entire year I was with him, and our relationship finally ended when he put me in the emergency room.

 

 

Since then, I've been through a lot of counseling, and I feel emotionally pretty healed. I've been interested/attracted to some guys since then, but nothing I wanted to progress into a relationship (even some guys who were interested, I just didn't want it). But I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I can't do it.

 

 

Then I met this guy. We met last winter. We started talking in March, almost daily. And it just clicks--the personalities, the senses of humor, the wit, it clicks in a way I didn't remember happened. And he makes me feel something I didn't remember I was capable of feeling again. In April, something happened (it's a long story and I can go into it later if requested), and I figured we'd never talk again. Then he resurfaced in May, asked for forgiveness, and genuinely seems to mean it (I don't forgive easily anymore so this was something he relaly had to push).

He tells me I quote "make him want to be better" and I'm different from girls before. We text almost daily and we had our first phone call last week..Which lasted 2 hours of non stop talking.

 

 

Tonight we were texting and bantering (we're both diehard fans of teams on the opposite sides of the biggest rivalry in college football), and I mentioned a game in November. I said "In the microscopic chance I get to watch it with you...Do I get to torture you when my team wins?" His response, "Wow. Getting kind of ahead of yourself there, aren't you? About all of the above?" Then he went to bed almost immeaditly meanwhile, I'm here having a meltdown.

I don't know why what he said just got me, but it did. I'm starting school fairly close to him in the fall. I don't want to perpetuate this communicating with him, if he doesn't feel like it could go anywhere.

 

 

As ive said, my ex was extremely shady and taught me a lot about not just giving people the benefit of the doubt. He also taught me about dating websites. So I googled this guy. I found a POF profile (checked daily), a howaboutwe (old--not updated), and a match.com profile. While I don't feel tricked..Something in me says, "If he really liked me like he says, why is he checking these every day?"

I know he got really badly burned by a girl 5 years ago. And hasn't had a relationship since. Just hook ups. And he says quote "That doesn't do it anymore. I want to be with someone who intreuges me and makes me a better person." and he says I do those things for him.

 

 

I have these moments where I stop and go, "Hey, wait, I'm 23, I'm about to finish school and make acareer for myself, I'm ambitious, I have goals, I'm not bad looking, I take care of myself, I'm told I'm funny, and I was a good girlfriend last time and didn't deserve what happened to me. I'm not damaged goods. A guy would be lucky to have me in his life." I'm not trying to be arrogant, I'm just running down the facts to myself. And I will be okay, even if I'm alone and spend my working years with just my cat. That really is okay.

 

 

But I need advice about what I should do about this guy. I need to figure this out. I don't want to get hurt again. And it's almost like I'm looking for excuses so I can run before I get hurt. Our phone call, for example--was wonderful. The second I got off? I immeaditly wanted a drink. Anything to null my feelings and shrink them a little so I didn't have to feel as happy, or think as much about someone.

 

 

I need advice.

Edited by LifeandPerseverance
todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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"Wow. Getting kind of ahead of yourself there, aren't you? About all of the above?"

 

 

next time if he said you are getting ahead of yourself say yeah well i would rather be ahead than behind on the tally board like team like supporter......he was teasing i feel...tease him back playfully take it lightly he apologized to you remember....and dont put your current thoughts back in your previous relationship.....most guys arent very fast on the uptake in regards to sensitivity...takes time and getting to know you and how sensitive you are ....nad you getting to know when he is teasing you and when he isnt......give him a chance .....and when you talk to him let him know you didnt know how to take it ..dont let it fester and get more insecure with every word he says to you that is ambiguous..still keep it light hearted and hopefully he will be honest with you...best wishes.............deb

 

 

 

..

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I wouldn't stress too much over it. if he's still got active dating profiles, you know he's keeping his options open and not looking to settle down just yet. Sounds to me like he wants to keep things casual for now. You don't necessarily need to stop communicating with him, but you should start looking elsewhere if you're hoping for a serious commitment.

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LifeandPerseverance Established Member

LifeandPerseverance

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Thanks ladies. I'll keep these in mind. I really want to text him today, and just be like, "So...are we good? After yesterday? Did I ruin it?" But something tells me not to, that if anything that would just make me look like a creep/or clingy? Yes?

 

 

I guess the test will be seeing if I actually hear from him again or not.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Thanks ladies. I'll keep these in mind. I really want to text him today, and just be like, "So...are we good? After yesterday? Did I ruin it?" But something tells me not to, that if anything that would just make me look like a creep/or clingy? Yes?

 

I guess the test will be seeing if I actually hear from him again or not.

 

Listen to that something which tells you not to. Give it a bit of time. If he doesn't get in touch, you'll have your answer.

 

So, I'm going to ask for more information about this incident in April. What happened?

RachR Established Member

RachR

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Have you met this guy in person?

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GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

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That thing that made you stop talking to him that you didn't post but said you would if needs be...

 

That would change all the responses here wouldn't it. Not a question but I suss it would.

It's not exactly linked though...but it was clearly not good..for you.

 

 

 

 

From what you have said..I wouldn't worry, don't even bring it up. :)

It's a one off comment about something in 5 months.

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ain5053 Established Member

ain5053

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It sounds like he was just being sarcastic with you. I wouldn't stress about it. Either reply back with something witty, or just pretend that never happened and just get in touch with him. I wouldn't bring it up, especially say anything like "Did I blow it," instead act cool. Even if it is the way you think it is, don't show your worrisome. If he is not ready for a relationship, this action will scare him away. If you act cool (and by that, I don't mean IGNORING him, waiting for him to contact you again, but by initiating contact like you otherwise would, or wouldn't) he will partake more interest in you and your behavior. I know, sounds like some kind of "scheme" but most men are interested in confident and independent women, women who don't need them. Because then their goal is to change that, to make you need them.

As for your strong feelings for him, I hear you girl! We've all been there, many times..... Unfortunately you just have to succumb to it and play your cards right. There is a chance you may get hurt, but the one thing you CAN do to prevent it is to have more confidence in yourself. You sound like a smart and beautiful woman, and I despite your past I would take and learn from it, make yourself into a stronger person from it. It's okay to crush on this guy, but don't show him that you are vulnerable yet. Let him show you first. Be the person you want him to see you as and overcome your weakness. :) This is advice to myself as well, always.

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LifeandPerseverance Established Member

LifeandPerseverance

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I have met him in person. We actually met IN person. Multiple times That's how this all started back in the day.

 

 

The April incident: Like I said, we started talking in march, the attraction was mutual and we both said it. Soon after we started talking he found out he was getting transferred for work. He went to training for a coupleweeks (I don't want to give away what he does, because if he finds this I'd be embarrassed), and would start work the week after he finished training. He would have to drive right through the town I live in to drive to his point of work.

He got strangely silent (after we'd been texting pretty much DAILY) about 3 days before training was over. Then he finished training...flew home, packed in one afternoon..drove through my town..and didn't even stop to say goodbye.

I was crushed. I texted him that night (because I figured he would have had to drive through that day). He told me he wasn't in my state anymore. He didn't really have a good reason (I guess technically that was our first phone call--he called me and got to listen to me angrily ask WHY).

 

 

After my past, I don't take snubs well. I figured that was a pretty good indicator what he thought of me..So I was done talking to him. When he texted me in May, I was still angry, and wanted nothing to with him. It took a lot of coaxing. He wanted to come visit that weekend, and I told him flat out NO.

He told me quote, "I hurt you, and you didn't deserve it. I wish I could change what I did, but I can't. You have no idea how many hours I've spent regretting this, and wishing I could undo it. I wish there was a way to move forward from it." It took a lot of this groveling, and then I started to realize he really means it.

 

 

That was the April incident. According to him..Since then, since his move to his new home, he HAS hooked up with someone...and it's quote "not doing it for him anymore. He wants to change." And for whatever reason, whatever it is about me...I make him WANT that change.

Edited by LifeandPerseverance
HappyLove Established Member

HappyLove

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Posted (edited)

I just need to summarize some of what was said:

 

You just started talking in March, then something big happened in April so you stopped talking, spoke on the phone for the first time last week.

 

Your having a meltdown over him saying you're getting ahead of yourself. Then you find he's online dating.

 

You needed a drink after a wonderful phone call.

 

 

 

My takeaway is:

 

I think you're not as ready as you think you are for dating. I hope you are still in counseling and maybe while you date you should be in counseling.

 

Maybe you are getting too invested in this guy. You've only had one phone call a week ago.

 

And if you "blew it" with him over such a simple and fun statement then he wasn't worth your time anyway was he?!

Edited by HappyLove
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LifeandPerseverance Established Member

LifeandPerseverance

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I just need to summarize some of what was said:

 

You just started talking in March, then something big happened in April so you stopped talking, spoke on the phone for the first time last week.

 

Maybe you are getting too invested in this guy. You've only had one phone call a week ago.

Not to offend you, but this isn't quite accurate. We texted almost daily for an entire month (usually every day), then the April incident happened, and since we started talking again in May, we've texted almost daily (typically every other day) since then (and he always initiates it). So yes, only one phone call, but daily communication.

RachR Established Member

RachR

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He may have just been playing around. As someone else said, don't show being worrisome.

 

But on a larger scale, I don't think he's serious about you two or plans on it to be. Why is it taking so long to go beyond a text buddy relationship? (Yeah you talked on the phone... once.. in three months.) Plus, blew you off like that and shows his character and how he sees your relations. Is this full filling really when you step back? You can do better and should have better!

 

Don't just pay attention to his words (You make me want to be a better person), and pay more to his actual ACTIONS.

Edited by RachR
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Enjaycee Member

Enjaycee

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If he's on dating sites and active on them, then most likely he's seeing what's out there, dating or hookup-wise. Wouldn't be surprised if one if that hook-up when he moved to his new home was with a girl from one of those sites and was from that area. There's even a chance he may be talking to other girls in the same way he's talking to you. Guys can be pigs like that. I was...but that's up to your discretion. You know him better than anyone else here. Like RachR said, pay more attention to his actions.

 

If you haven't already, since that one text bothered you so much, you can ask "Hey, I was curious. Did I strike a nerve last night with that last text? You know I was only joking, right?" or something along those lines that doesn't communicate clingy but still shows a lick of sensitivity toward his feelings, and get him to explain.

Edited by Enjaycee
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jbelle6 Established Member

jbelle6

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If you make him want to be better and you are different than other girls, why is he on all those dating sites? Don't go by words, go by actions.

 

If your relationship is at the point where he knows to hide other people he might be seeing, then I consider being on those sites to be cheating and would go no contact without a word.

If you two are not exclusive and he would not hide those things, and he would not be angry if you saw other guys, then you should discuss it.

Edited by jbelle6
dispatch3d Established Member

dispatch3d

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I don't know, I'm not really putting much into the dating site thing. Who gives a **** really.

 

That april incident seems like a pretty major blowup over him not visiting you once when he drove through your town. I'm surprised it was that big a deal to you.

 

Anyhow I would just do a double take on you two seeing that game together. Like text him "so are we gunna see that game together or what". Besides that it seems like he's said nice stuff about liking you so at least at one point there was interest there, hopefully the interest is still there.

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LifeandPerseverance Established Member

LifeandPerseverance

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If he's on dating sites and active on them, then most likely he's seeing what's out there, dating or hookup-wise. Wouldn't be surprised if one if that hook-up when he moved to his new home was with a girl from one of those sites and was from that area.
You hit the nail on the head here. If I was a gambler, I would be that's exactly where he meets his hookups from.

 

 

I'm probably part of the minority that's never tried online dating, and doesn't want to. The only thing I've used it for, is like I've shown here..Spying purposes. I don't mean to offend anyone, but I feel like online dating is a double edged sword, and RUINING relationships. My opinion is, that for men at least, it becomes addictive--why would a guy get off the site, if he thinks he might constantly find something better.

I'm not exactly bothered by the fact he has them--I looked at cached google results, and he's had these profiles since long before I met him, he just updated them when he moved. I understand that. The part that bothers me about it..If I'm something special..Why is he still logging in every day? He doesn't know I know about these profiles, and I don't think I should ever tell him I know? Or should I ever reveal that I know?

 

 

My ex was the one who put the bad taste in my mouth about online dating--I didn't even know what POF was before him. That day, after a year of an exclusive relationship with him, when I found out he'd had a pof account and been "busy with it" the whole time..Like nothing I can describe. Like I said, I think men get addicted.

 

 

Anyway, it's Tuesday and I still haven't heard from the guy in question. The general rule of thumb, that I can map out to a science--is I've been hearing from him every two days(?). So for example, if I heard from him on sunday, I won't hear from him Monday or Tuesday (usually), and I will hear from him on Wednesday.

Edited by LifeandPerseverance
ain5053 Established Member

ain5053

Posted
Posted
You hit the nail on the head here. If I was a gambler, I would be that's exactly where he meets his hookups from.

 

 

I'm probably part of the minority that's never tried online dating, and doesn't want to. The only thing I've used it for, is like I've shown here..Spying purposes. I don't mean to offend anyone, but I feel like online dating is a double edged sword, and RUINING relationships. My opinion is, that for men at least, it becomes addictive--why would a guy get off the site, if he thinks he might constantly find something better.

I'm not exactly bothered by the fact he has them--I looked at cached google results, and he's had these profiles since long before I met him, he just updated them when he moved. I understand that. The part that bothers me about it..If I'm something special..Why is he still logging in every day? He doesn't know I know about these profiles, and I don't think I should ever tell him I know? Or should I ever reveal that I know?

 

 

My ex was the one who put the bad taste in my mouth about online dating--I didn't even know what POF was before him. That day, after a year of an exclusive relationship with him, when I found out he'd had a pof account and been "busy with it" the whole time..Like nothing I can describe. Like I said, I think men get addicted.

 

 

Anyway, it's Tuesday and I still haven't heard from the guy in question. The general rule of thumb, that I can map out to a science--is I've been hearing from him every two days(?). So for example, if I heard from him on sunday, I won't hear from him Monday or Tuesday (usually), and I will hear from him on Wednesday.

 

Just text him, don't wait for him to text you... Don't give him all the power!

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LifeandPerseverance Established Member

LifeandPerseverance

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Just text him, don't wait for him to text you... Don't give him all the power!

I would text him, but he ALWAYS texts me first (there have been exceptions), and this is kind of an experiment--to see following the Sunday night meltdown if he will still text me. If so, today would be the day.

 

 

His work schedule is completely different this week--he's temporarily filling in this week for someone and as such is working nights, instead of days as he customarily does. So I'm not sure if this is affecting him texting me or not.

Anyways, I'm trying to not text him, to see if he'll text me first. I'm busy enough to try not to think about it--I work, and I've got summer classes to finish so I can officially be done with undergrad. So I have enough to be busy. But according to the pattern, if he's gonna text me, it would be today.

ain5053 Established Member

ain5053

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I wouldn't have the patience to just sit there and wait for him to text me.... If it is taking him days to get back to you, that's not typical.. That doesn't scream interest to me. If he is truly interested he would be texting you all the time! If I were you I would see if he texts me today, and if he does, don't respond - wait and see if he contacts you again. Then confront him about his behavior. If he does not text you, I would forget about this guy... Sounds like a loser. Sorry :(

Frank2thepoint Established Member

Frank2thepoint

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He tells me I quote "make him want to be better" and I'm different from girls before.

 

Whenever I hear/see this line, I always assume the person is bad and will only try to act good so the person can get something.

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LifeandPerseverance Established Member

LifeandPerseverance

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So I finally couldn't take it anymore, and texted him tonight. I got like three texts out of him, and then he texted me quote: "Hey I'm sorry but I'm just not in the mood for talking right now. Have a good rest of the day."

I said okay, but could I ask if this was because of something I did on sunday. His response? "No I'm just feeling very unsocial with the schedule I'm on." I wrote back okay, understood, but I wondered if it was something I'd said, because I wrote him some vulnerable things on sunday, and he never responded. And just left me to wonder. He never responded after this. This was at about 4:30 my time zone, and 7:30 his. His flight was scheduled to leave at about 9ish.

 

 

I'm at a loss here. I'm actually really angry. Does the above sound like a blow off? Or like he's genuinely messed up this week on sleep? I figure since it seems like it's probably over now, it's safe to reveal what he does: He's a pilot (not an airline pilot, though). That's actually how I met him, and how I know a thing or two about the industry. And this week he got moved around, so he's flying nights (for the first time EVER), instead of his normal during the days. He's also not flying out of home, like he usually is. He's stationed several hundred miles away for the week. The guy who's routine is wake up at 5 am and go to bed at 10 pm...is suddenly this week required to wake up in the afternoons, and fly from 9 pm to 8 am, then go to bed. I understand this messes some people up?

 

 

Anyways, I don't know what to think. I just know I'm confused, angry, and even more paranoid than before that somehow this is a result of something I DID. I notice his snapchat number isn't going up (he's got like...5 in the last two days?), and his match and pof pages both say he hasn't been online in days either, nor has he been on fb.

Edited by LifeandPerseverance
ain5053 Established Member

ain5053

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So I finally couldn't take it anymore, and texted him tonight. I got like three texts out of him, and then he texted me quote: "Hey I'm sorry but I'm just not in the mood for talking right now. Have a good rest of the day."

I said okay, but could I ask if this was because of something I did on sunday. His response? "No I'm just feeling very unsocial with the schedule I'm on." I wrote back okay, understood, but I wondered if it was something I'd said, because I wrote him some vulnerable things on sunday, and he never responded. And just left me to wonder. He never responded after this. This was at about 4:30 my time zone, and 7:30 his. His flight was scheduled to leave at about 9ish.

 

 

I'm at a loss here. I'm actually really angry. Does the above sound like a blow off? Or like he's genuinely messed up this week on sleep? I figure since it seems like it's probably over now, it's safe to reveal what he does: He's a pilot (not an airline pilot, though). That's actually how I met him, and how I know a thing or two about the industry. And this week he got moved around, so he's flying nights (for the first time EVER), instead of his normal during the days. He's also not flying out of home, like he usually is. He's stationed several hundred miles away for the week. The guy who's routine is wake up at 5 am and go to bed at 10 pm...is suddenly this week required to wake up in the afternoons, and fly from 9 pm to 8 am, then go to bed. I understand this messes some people up?

 

 

Anyways, I don't know what to think. I just know I'm confused, angry, and even more paranoid than before that somehow this is a result of something I DID. I notice his snapchat number isn't going up (he's got like...5 in the last two days?), and his match and pof pages both say he hasn't been online in days either, nor has he been on fb.

 

It sounds like he is blowing you off.. :( No matter how busy or tired a person is, he will ALWAYS find time to text the girl he has feelings for, even if it's just a quick apology for being busy or a simple "i miss you" and especially he would not be ignoring half of your texts, especially the vulnerable ones!!!

I am sorry :( I know it hurts but I suggest you move on to somebody that deserves you as you sound like a great girl. Be strong and don't allow this jerk to put you down!

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LifeandPerseverance Established Member

LifeandPerseverance

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It sounds like he is blowing you off..

I'm sad and thinking you're right. It's Friday now, still haven't heard a word from him. I understand his schedule is screwed up. I understand being awake and working all night.

 

I looked at snapchat (okay, I took a screenshot of snapchat earlier--call me a creep--he's already got two snaps in the last hour), and it says he was active on facebook less than an hour ago. If he was feeling so "unsocial" he wouldn't be opening (or potentially sending) snaps, or trolling through fb (though I'm actually guilty of both myself, even when I want to talk to NO ONE), no he would be SLEEPING. He just apparently doesn't want anything to do with ME.

 

I don't understand how the guy who's been texting me every couple days for the last month, who spent 2 hours on the phone with me last week, records songs for me on his guitar, sends tons of snapchats back and forth with me, suddenly decided..I'm not even worth talking to?

Last week, he texted me Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. This week..He can't even stand me?

I'm sure if my name was Martha Bigboobs and I was some mysterious girl from the internet he would have time for me!

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I'm sad and thinking you're right. It's Friday now, still haven't heard a word from him. I understand his schedule is screwed up. I understand being awake and working all night.

 

I looked at snapchat (okay, I took a screenshot of snapchat earlier--call me a creep--he's already got two snaps in the last hour), and it says he was active on facebook less than an hour ago. If he was feeling so "unsocial" he wouldn't be opening (or potentially sending) snaps, or trolling through fb (though I'm actually guilty of both myself, even when I want to talk to NO ONE), no he would be SLEEPING. He just apparently doesn't want anything to do with ME.

 

I don't understand how the guy who's been texting me every couple days for the last month, who spent 2 hours on the phone with me last week, records songs for me on his guitar, sends tons of snapchats back and forth with me, suddenly decided..I'm not even worth talking to?

Last week, he texted me Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. This week..He can't even stand me?

I'm sure if my name was Martha Bigboobs and I was some mysterious girl from the internet he would have time for me!

 

He realized you were possibly considering a future with him, and he doesn't feel the same way. This was evident in his reaction to the text you sent about potentially seeing a game together in the fall. He's still active on dating sites and closed off when he thought you were getting in deeper than he was. Don't torment yourself any longer with the "why's" He's showing you now he isn't feeling it in the same way you are. It's tough, but I strongly believe it's time to move on from him.

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