Where am I with this man?

[ck]

I've been dating a guy I met online since January last year. He's a lovely guy, and has been through a lot in his past. His ex-partner really screwed him over. Had affairs 5 times, one of which was his best friend. He forgave and forgave, and eventually she left him in the lurch in a flat they were renting together saying she was going to Taiwan for a month and she never came back. Oh, also she is a model, and she didn't work for almost a year and he supported her, poor guy.

 

We met online, and hadn't made ourselves exclusive to eachother, but he was acting very strange and hiding things from me. A few months later I realised he was cheating and confronted him which he denied twice and I believed him until a girl got in contact with me and told me he was seeing her also. Anyway, he ended that and explained, and although you may feel that I am living in the dark, I believed and understood him. Obviously I had problems with trust after that though. I checked his email many times, and his phone, which I know was wrong. But to be fair, I did find stuff most of the time. He now says I can look whenever I like, although I try not to.

 

Anyway, I did become a little paranoid after that - and later it transpired that a lot of times I had the right to be. Not because he was doing anything, but just acting strange. I confronted him many times only to be told in a way that I was clearly mad, but having threatened to leave many times I eventually found out that he was on lots of dating sites and that he had such insecurities that he needed lots of attention from women to help him with confidence (he's a babe, I don't know why he needs it.). I do believe him at least to a degree on this point.

 

We live together, and spend most of our time together - there haven't been many occasions where he's had time that he could be actually 'doing' anything as such, so this is not a concern for me. But its the fact that he's on lots of dating sites that gets to me. He justifies it by saying that he can't get in touch with people because he's not paying, but this isn't the case for all of them. There is also the way he is with ex-girlfriends, particularly one of them who lives abroad - recently I saw some messages on his phone from her saying 'when are you coming home to me. i can support us both financially', 'when are you coming back to OUR home', 'have you found another love?'. These messages upset me, and I confronted him again only to be told that she is being out of order and he doesn't really know why she's doing it except that she's split up with her boyfriend.

 

I would not consider myself a jealous person, but I must say I'm quite insecure and paranoid when it comes to this guy. Don't get me wrong - he gives me bundles of warmth and affection, and I really do know that he loves me. But I can't help feeling this way and I don't know whether I'm wasting time, literally, with him. To be honest, the thing is that even if I didn't find things recently, I just feel that if he had the chance he would do something. Once when he went abroad he packed condoms which I found, and he justified it by saying it was a habit. Incidentally he thought he might catch up with his ex while he was there - whether or not the condoms were related to that I don't know... he claims its nothing to do with her.

 

But can I just ask you people firstly do you think I'M the bad one here? I can take criticism. Secondly, how can I go about resolving this, regardless of who is to blame? And thirdly, if he is the wrong one, and what do you think you'd do if you were me?

 

I know that you only have my side here, and please try to be as objective as possible. I've not tried to paint a wrong picture - I've been out of order here too checking his mail etc. I love this guy to bits, and I know he loves me.. but I'm seriously considering packing it in - at the end of the day I know that I'll get over it if I need to. I'm a completely independent person, so thats not an issue. But the way we are together, and how we get on - he really is on my level so I'd like to make it work. Please give me some advice you think will help me.

 

Thanks, I really would appreciate it. - ck.

[FolderWife]

 

Did you READ what you WROTE!?! He's a cheater! He's on dating sites! YES YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE PARANOID! You say you're independant, but an independant woman would have left after she found out about him cheating! And if this 'independant' woman didn't have the strength to leave then, she SURELY would've left after finding the messages from the ex!

 

You are in the dark. Plain and simple. Naive Naive Naive. You want so badly for this fantasy of yours to be real, that you're looking the other way while he gets by with this crap.

 

He sounds like a classic player. You 'think' he gets you, and that he's affectionate, and "You know" that he loves you, but he's just putting up a front, because you're dumb enough to fall for it.

 

NO you're not in the wrong! You want to be wrong so bad, but you're RIGHT! GET OUT!

 

Seriously, do you want to live the rest of your life in fear that he's going to cheat on you again? and again? and again? Whenever you'd find out about it, you'd forgive it, and move on. But you're setting yourself up to live the rest of your life always questioning your relationship. You're setting yourself up to live the rest of your life in pain! You're setting yourself up to live the rest of your life thinking that there's something wrong with you, and that you're not good enough!

[ck]

Thanks for your reply Monday. I appreciate the time you've taken to read and compose the response. Could I possibly add a little more and perhaps you'll have more of an understanding of my situation. Please be as harsh as you like, and if you think I'm being a fool I have no problem with you telling me in whatever way you like...

 

I'd just like to follow up on my post to say that the reason I said a lot of positives about my boyfriend is because its easy for me to tell my side, but it may not be quite as I put it across even though I don't do that deliberately. I know it may sound like I am trying hopelessly to make my relationship sound better than it is, but I don't think thats the case (I'm not ruling it out though).

 

Just to make it clear.... I have no problem with my boyfriend being in touch with all his exes. I'm not jealous, and that isn't an issue. As long as he is honest with me, which he's failed to do in the past. Obviously its another case with the messages I've seen - unfortunately I didn't get to see what his replies were.

 

In the months that he was cheating and after that with the sites etc... I got a feeling every time that there was something wrong. I haven't really had that feeling in the last 6 months - he's gone out of his way to make me feel comfortable, although perhaps I'm using his words there.

 

With the dating sites he's insisting that its for insecurities, but would I be in my right to demand him to stop? I have access to all of the accounts, and his 2 email addresses so I guess he's trying to be open with me.

 

I'm not scared to leave the relationship. I've done it several times, but my weakness is how soft I am. I guess thats a classic reason though. I was in an abusive relationship previously which was the first time I had fallen in love, and I managed to leave that by leaving my home, my dogs, and his two kids... so I know that to leave this relationship would be nothing compared to all that - I basically had to rebuild my life in a way then (not trying to make that sound over-dramatic). Anyway, the times that I have actually left my bf he's reminded me how great it is and I'm always glad I'm trying again. We've so much fun together, and we're so intimate and the sex is fantastic - everything is really great except for this issue.

 

When I say that he loves me - I really do know he does. If anyone is dependent here its him on me. He wants to spend almost all of his time with me without making me feel claustraphobic... if he really wanted to actually go meet people etc, he could easily get around that because I love being on my own, or doing my own thing with my friends etc.. but he chooses not to do that. Which is why this whole thing confuses me so much... If it were straight-forward and he was going out meeting people etc it would be easy, but the fact is he's told me about the sites and doesn't meet anyone. The reason I'm so hesitant just to walk away is that I don't want to regret it because he really is fantastic. But I completely see your point on the fact that I could spend the rest of this relationship wondering if he'll cheat, or what the hell he's doing on the sites, or with the ex thing.. or whatever. I don't think I can take much more of this...i think its making me moody and sad. You're definitely right about that.

 

Do you still think that the right move is just to get the hell out of this?

[FolderWife]

I don't know what I'd do in that situation (seeing as how my marriage has had its really bad times, yet I stick around) but from an outsider's perspective, you're not married to him yet, so get out of the relationship before you do. My husband was perfect when we were dating. Once we married, it went downhill a little.

 

This is the BEST it's going to be for you, because you are still dating. Once you marry him, it'll get worse...so yes, I still think that you should get out now.

[clynn]

The situation is as it is.

 

He is open with you for the most part, it appears. He leaves lots of opportunities for you to figure out what kind of person he is, what his needs are.

 

If you think you can handle it, stay with it. It won't change, but perhaps you're able to accept him the way that he is?

 

It doesn't really seem like you can, though?

 

Good luck!

[SoleMate]

It's great you're asking for serious input, and trying to be balanced. Here is my considered opinion:

 

He's cheating big time, and only invest more time in him of you are happy to have an untrustworthy bf.

 

"Sure, I'm on dating sites but I didn't pay."

 

"My 'ex' doesn't know she's an ex."

 

"That girl is making eveything up."

 

"I have been cheated on in the past, so now YOU have to dance to my tune because I am a victim."

 

But can I just ask you people firstly do you think I'M the bad one here?

No, I think you are the confused one, who is committed and faithful to a man who is neither. Going through his mail ain't great, but on the other hand, you needed info that he was refusing to let you have.

 

Secondly, how can I go about resolving this, regardless of who is to blame?

Realize that you can not change him or control him. You can only control yourself. Then decide whether you want more cheating and lies, or whether you'd rather be free of this.

 

And thirdly, if he is the wrong one, and what do you think you'd do if you were me?

Either move out, or give him a three day notice to quit, based on your rental agreement. Go immediate NC. Why? Because he will only confuse and cloud you with more lies and manipulation. Leave him to his sugar mama back in his homeland.

[ck]

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read my problem and give me their view/advice on it.

 

I'm still confused...but I guess one day of reading other people's viewpoints isn't gonna suddenly clear it all up for me. I spoke to my bf about this last night - its not the first time I've tried to address the issue, but he's just so upset because he knows I'm on the edge of leaving him. It really kills me to hurt him this way, and the one thing I know he can't lie about is his feelings.

 

He told me that he doesn't know what to do - he believes that he's shown me how much he loves me and how much he wants me, and nobody else... how he's opened his email/phone to me to look at whenever I want. How he has shown how much he wants to spend time with me rather than other people.

 

So... if I still feel ****, and he doesn't know how to help me... and I really don't know how to help me... then I guess we are doomed really. Unless 'time' really is the greatest healer and perhaps I haven't given it much of a chance. 10/11 months, is that really enough time to rebuild trust?

 

I guess I have to make some decisions, and soon. Is it really worth my while investing more time and emotion in this relationship, or should I just cut my losses. Hmmm... its not as easy as it sounds. The funny thing is, I think if he was ok with us splitting then thats what I'd do. But when I look into his eyes and see the sorrow, and the fear of losing me I just want to hold him and tell him it'll all be ok... but obviously it isn't.

 

Well I'm just gonna sit at my desk as confused as ever and try and give my mind a rest from this for an hour or two...

 

Thanks again guys, you've really been a great help.

ck x.

[mechanicalbull]

I understand that you want to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, but clearly, I think he's a cheater. The #1 giveaway is the condoms he packed when he went on his trip. Why did he find the need to do that - even if he claims that that's his habit - when his supposedly beloved girlfriend was waiting at home?

 

He has one habit and one habit only and that is cheating. A guy who loves you will not find the need to enter into dating sites and talk to other girls, no matter how insecure he is. Second, what about those messages from his ex-girlfriends? You being a girl yourself, try to ask yourself if you would write e-mails such as "when are you coming back to Our home" to a guy that you are no longer dating. On top of that, he's not getting these messages from only one girl but from several. Red flag right there!

 

It sounds like your boyfriend is an inmature person who needs years of growing up to do. A guy who loves you would've stopped visiting those dating sites a long time ago if he knew how much it bothered his girlfriend.

 

To me, it sounds like you also have to develop your true sense of independence. You are still not understanding the meaning of being independent. If you can, I would recommend buying lots of self-help books that will allow you to learn what this word means.

 

And finally, don't pay attention to his sad, droopy eyes whenever you try to leave him. He has already told you himself what this means. It is INSECURITY. He just does not want his ego scratched by having another girlfriend leave him. That's all.

 

My point is that he's a cheater and that if he really loved you the way he says he does, then he would have stopped doing things that bothered you a long time ago.

 

Good men are out there for you. Don't waste your chances of meeting the perfect guy by hanging around an inmature person.