sooshi Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 ... I should say that I feel remorseful for doing so. I think that would be more accurate. My ex-fiance broke off our engagement on New Year's Eve. We'd been friends for years before we dated. A few days after breaking it off, he hit on my best friend. I didn't know that it happened until a couple of months later. I didn't know what was said, but he e-mailed me the next day to apologize for whatever he said, and that he'd been drunk. I only knew he said hurtful things, but I didn't inquire further because I didn't want to know. After this time, he and my ex-best friend became Facebook friends. They barely knew each other and had never met. My ex-fiance contacted her and told her that he was sorry for intentionally hurting someone who meant a lot to her. She thought it was strange, and told me that none of her friends' ex-partners had ever sent her such an apology. I didn't think much of it, but I was extremely naive. He gradually developed feelings for her and started making bold advances on her. My then-best friend showed me parts of conversations, and told me that my ex had told her a LOT of things. This had been going on for a while, but I didn't know about it at all. She only told me about it the night after my ex asked her if he could listen to her sing while he drifted off to sleep, something she felt was crossing her line. Among those things that I saw included that he FINALLY had a clearing activated in his heart, that he hadn't felt inclined to pursue anyone in a long time, and that he hadn't felt vulnerable in a long time. He said he only wanted her and that he'd been rejecting his feelings for her for a long time. He liked the way she sings, her authenticity, her passion, how much she loves her son, her geographical location, the way she looks. He said he wanted to get wrapped up in her passion and empower her. He said that there was "something there" that night when he was drunk and talked to her. I was vomitrocious-ized. I was extremely hurt to read about all of this, and it was hitting me so hard. I then blocked him on FB, encouraged my friend to do it, and contacted her aunt (who was FB friends with my ex) and told her that he'd been having inappropriate conversations with her niece, who was my best friend, and requested that he delete or block him. I realize that I shouldn't have contacted her, as she didn't even know who I was. I am still embarrassed about it, and apologized to all of them for it. It was an impulsive action, a reaction to intense pain. My ex found out about this and got so incredibly infuriated. Told me that I'm one of the most manipulative/untrustworthy/inauthentic people he has ever known. That he'd never been so pissed off at anyone in his life, that he'd spent the entire day hating me. He also sent me a love song that he wrote for her. After he learned from my friend that I'd contacted her partner to congratulate them on their relationship (he'd provided emotional support with this situation, and I'd been rooting for them for months), my ex told me I'd crossed too many lines. Said he had shoved down thoughts of how manipulative I am, and can now see how manipulative I am capable of being. He then deleted me on FB and kept my friend on there, and continued to pursue her. Anyway, sometimes I still feel guilty for hurting him--in particular, in contacting my then friend's aunt. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I did it. And his hurtful words devoured my self-esteem, completely obliterating it. I probably overreacted in doing what I did, but I still feel I was right to block him, but I felt so bad after seeing how hurt and upset he was. He told me that if my goal was to hurt him, that I had accomplished my mission. It wasn't my mission. It was self-preservation and me not wanting to accept that sort of behaviour. Ugh. It's sad that I can still feel guilty for hurting him when he doesn't seem to care at all that he hurt me.
jbelle6 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Sooshi NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Not again, not back with the guilt!!! They are both scumbags! Instead of writing about how guilty you feel, why don't you make a post saying exactly what the ex and your friend did to you and ask the forumers what they suggest you should do. What do you think EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM WILL TELL YOU? That's right, to go no contact and block them everywhere. Why do you care what they think? And he doesn't/didn't love your friend, they never even met. Your ex is a tool and your friend is a turncoat. 3
April Moon Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 You should not feel guilty at all!! He deserved much much worse!! I was getting angry just reading your story. It's a double betrayal. Please don't give your guilt a second thought.
Elle1975 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 So you feel guilty for a guy who treated you like dirt? Do you mean you are still in love with the guy and want to reach out? I understand feeling awful for messaging the aunt and creating some kind of drama, but even that I'd forgive myself for.
redbaron005 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Sooshi! You are not responsible for your ex's feelings after the breakup.
Author sooshi Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 Thanks for your replies, guys. jbelle, I didn't know what a turncoat was, so I looked it up. I learned a new word tonight. Elle, I don't feel like I'm in love with him, no. And I have no intention at all of contacting him. I've always felt embarrassed and ashamed that I contacted the aunt. I was unable to see clearly at the time, and didn't realize the consequences of what I was doing. But I guess it is forgivable - they all seemed to forgive me for it. I guess he sometimes still has that hold on me, where I believed in his lashing out. Thanks, April Moon and redbarron. <3 Your support means a lot and it helps. I am doing much, much better than when I first came here because of all of this. I couldn't have done it without LS!
JahnJahn Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Sooshi, No one has a hold on anyone. You have power over yourself. His lashing out should not affect you, do not let such a person put you down. It doesn't take a person to be here long to know that you are a good person. Do not cloud who you are with guilt over someone who does not deserve a nano second of your thoughts. Keep your head up. Forgive yourself and continue onto more beautiful aspects of life.
Author sooshi Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 Thank you for your support, JahnJahn. I am still working on the power thing. I have made a lot of progress over the past three months, but there's room for improvement. Thanks again, everyone. I deeply appreciate your insights and encouragement.
JahnJahn Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Thank you for your support, JahnJahn. I am still working on the power thing. I have made a lot of progress over the past three months, but there's room for improvement. Thanks again, everyone. I deeply appreciate your insights and encouragement. You should always remind yourself that only YOU have power over YOU. Do not give that thought up for a second. Again, YOU have made progress, YOU should be happy, YOU should take care of YOU. Do not let anyone or anything tell you or make you feel otherwise. It will be hard and I know I am struggling with it too but be strong and stay true to your core kindness. Good luck
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