georgetana Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Hey you guys! i'd like to get your opinion on some situation. I've been with my bf since last November and everything goes pretty well so far. We both love to workout but go to different gyms. We always share our ''gym stories'' etc. So for example, in my gym, there is a very young guy who constantly hits on me which i kind of appreciate, but i would never consider doin anything with him of course. Now for about two months, my bf sometimes tells me about a girl at his gym, who is also hitting on him and always asks him for workout advice. She says things like: ''when u just pulled up ur shirt , it got a lot hotter in here '' It's actually no big deal, but a week ago, he accepted her friend request on facebook and since then, she likes EVERTHING he posts. So it seems like, she is really onto him, which kinda makes me uncomfortable. She is also anorexic. He says, that he feels sorry for her etc and doesnt want to be mean to her. I said to him, well then maybe should invite her to dinner...he laughed and said: ''No...although, it would be cheap probably.'' I ask him right away if he thinks shes attractive and he responded: ''she has a nice face...but sleeping with her, would be like banging a teenage boy.'' So what do u think should i do? Believe what he said or make myself clear to him , that i would be more comfortable, if he wouldnt tell me about her hitting on him and that he shouldnt be appearing too ''open'' towards her? I mean, he can be distant without being rude, right? Thank you guys!
JungleLover Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 First of all, I don't recommend updating your significant other about all the folks that keep hitting on you. It only creates anxiety in a relationship especially when the hitter is eventually befriended on Facebook. Also, I think it was disrespectful to advance the relationship when the person was obviously hitting on him. Put your foot down now gently but firmly or forever be walked upon. This could very easily turn into them having a friendly meal together then a friendly movie and so on. 5
jbelle6 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 They all say "she's having problems, I feel bad for her" ladeeda. Damsel in Distress excuse. NO. If someone has shown a sexual interest in you and you have a partner you don't encourage it by being friends, in real life or on facebook. And if he wants to talk to her he's not going to admit he finds her hot or that he wants to bang her. He's not stupid. 9
Author georgetana Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 well, i would acutally never ''forbid'' him to talk to her. That would be kind of childish. I also dont know,if hes the only guy she hits on...maybe she hits on everthing because shes desperate for attention etc. Maybe i should find out about that...
JungleLover Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 well, i would acutally never ''forbid'' him to talk to her. That would be kind of childish. I also dont know,if hes the only guy she hits on...maybe she hits on everthing because shes desperate for attention etc. Maybe i should find out about that... Well you can't actually "forbid" any adult to not do anything. You can either accept behavior or not. Your significant other learns how to treat you by how you set up boundaries. This is essentially manifested through your acceptance of certain things. If you allow him to kiss other women, I am telling you that he will. Sounds obvious but the whole Facebook thing sounds obvious to me but this is acceptable behavior in your relationship. 2
clarky21 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 well, to see this from a man's POV, i dont think that he acutally is aware of the fact, that this is disturbing to you...how could he, if you ''jokingly'' suggesting he should go out with her?! come on, that is awkward. Did it cross your mind, that he just tells you this, because he wants to see your ''reaction'' on that, that he is being hit on? And i guess, your reaction was not what he had in mind maybe he wanted to make you jealous (what btw, seems to be your target as well, by telling him, about guys hitting on you ) another question, is ''boney'' even his type? are u very skinny too? but ur right, it would be interesting to know, if he is really her only ''goal''... @junglelover i dont know, but what u suggesting is basically, that she should ''educate'' her bf...i think thats bull and also dont see the fact, that they became virtual friends ''concerning'' in any way...could u explain this to me again? i'm very curious
JungleLover Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 @junglelover i dont know, but what u suggesting is basically, that she should ''educate'' her bf...i think thats bull and also dont see the fact, that they became virtual friends ''concerning'' in any way...could u explain this to me again? i'm very curious Sorry but I don't get into the back and forth thing. The OP asked "So what do u think should i do?" and I told her what I, personally, think she should do. If you don't like my input then don't use it. it's that simple. 1
Assasda Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 I think you inviting her to dinner was a great idea. Since she is his friend, she can meet you, and you can all be friends together. -I hope you suggested that the 3 of you go out to dinner, and not just them 2. You can also tell him that you dont want him hanging around with her, but that would seem a little insecure on your part. I dont think there is any cause for concern, but if they are friends long enough, she should know about you
jbelle6 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Lets all read love shack, especially the cheating forums and see how often things start from this. Guys and girls are NEVER friends, if her man wanted a friend why does he not add 200 lb women with acne? Oh, lol, cause they aren't "friends". Cheating isn't when the man puts his penis in her vagina, it starts when we put ourselves in the position to cheat. I would not befriend a man that expressed sexual interest in me if i am in a relationship, neither should OP's husband. 5
clarky21 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Guys and girls are NEVER friends, if her man wanted a friend why does he not add 200 lb women with acne? Oh, lol, cause they aren't "friends". Cheating isn't when the man puts his penis in her vagina, it starts when we put ourselves in the position to cheat. I would not befriend a man that expressed sexual interest in me if i am in a relationship, neither should OP's husband. well, sounds like you had bad experiences with that in the past. And if you read carefully, it's not a husband, it's just a boyfriend the OP got I dont know, but in my world, being ''friends'' on facebook, basically means nothing...i guess half of my virtual friends, i only met once or twice, so i wouldn't make such a big deal out of this, as long as he isn't chatting constantly with her or also likes every crap she is posting, i guess there is nothing to be concerned about. And for the record, of course men and women can be friends 1
marcjb Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 And for the record, of course men and women can be friends Friends? Sure. Just friends? No. There will always be feelings involved eventually, from one or the other, or both. 2
jbelle6 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 (edited) well, sounds like you had bad experiences with that in the past. And if you read carefully, it's not a husband, it's just a boyfriend the OP got I dont know, but in my world, being ''friends'' on facebook, basically means nothing...i guess half of my virtual friends, i only met once or twice, so i wouldn't make such a big deal out of this, as long as he isn't chatting constantly with her or also likes every crap she is posting, i guess there is nothing to be concerned about. And for the record, of course men and women can be friends Actually, no, not like this, it's just standard cheating MO, read around. And I stand by the fact that someone who expresses sexual interest in me is not a friend. You also might want to educate yourself on how often Facebook is now mentioned in divorce proceedings. Again, read the cheating thread. I had one ex that intended to cheat. He was just an abuser so cheating was just part in parcel of all the other crap and hardly the largest issue, it was also very long ago,all my other exes are really great people. Some of us just have morals and believe a relationship comes before "friendships" with the opposite sex that hit on us and don't need to have gone through a similar situation to know it's wrong. Edited June 23, 2014 by jbelle6 3
todreaminblue Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 if i was with a guy and it was serious i dont let him know when i get hit on, i know fro a fact it would incite bad feelings ..... and i dont befriend guys that hit on me on facebook and i expect the same in return...if they continually hit on me and i have a problem with it i cant fix myself ill let my guy know hey pick me up at the gym next time will you and come get me and i would greet my guy with a very enthusiastic sweaty hug not rude a playful one but obvious enough i am very happy................also to make it clear i am taken....if they continue to hit on me again ill tell them enough leave me alone you know im with someone if you dont stop im gonna hurt ya.....i dont allow physical touch in any way bar a handshake or wave goodbye or a pat on the back that is quick and not lingering feeling down my spine....i dotn lead guys on.....and i dont want them to touch me or talk in an intimate manner to me i pull them up....if i am with someone that is otherwise i can be playful....still want them really touching me though unless i like them....and keep it clean ....and less sexual 1
thekid36 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Actually, no, not like this, it's just standard cheating MO, read around. And I stand by the fact that someone who expresses sexual interest in me is not a friend. You also might want to educate yourself on how often Facebook is now mentioned in divorce proceedings. Again, read the cheating thread. I had one ex that intended to cheat. He was just an abuser so cheating was just part in parcel of all the other crap and hardly the largest issue, it was also very long ago,all my other exes are really great people. Some of us just have morals and believe a relationship comes before "friendships" with the opposite sex that hit on us and don't need to have gone through a similar situation to know it's wrong. The fact that this woman at the gym is so concerned about the temperature within the room when the OP's boyfriend pulls up his shirt shows intent to be more than a friend. I could not agree more. When in an exclusive relationship, you need to be aware of any other person you may come across. If the intention of that other individual seems to be anything close to sexual, it is a responsibility to put your partner first. 4
Author georgetana Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 :( oh you guys...now i kinda wish i had never asked here...i love my bf and i do trust him so it's pretty hard to me, that almost all of you seeing him to cheat on me in the future...this is so sad but i already made some ''research'', livin in a pretty cozy town here it seems, like she added most of the ''regular'' guys at this gym on facebook, with the very same outcome: she likes everything they post... i know about 5 for sure so far, 3 of them also have a girlfriend and one of those 3 i also know myself and he told me, that she said the very same sentence i quoted above, to him as well...lol he told me also, that she looks really unhealthy, (he doubts that she even weighs a 100lbs by 5'7 height and that the gym staff already tried to talk some ''sense'' into her...he agreed to what my bf said, most feel sorry for her, because she obviously doesnt think that she has a problem...he also said, the only pictures shes not liking on his page, are those with his gf^^ but now i'm even more concerned...she seems really troubled...what if she turns into some stalker?! ((( 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Not classy behaviour from your boyfriend there. I have plenty of male friends, but if any of them showed a sexual interest in me I would put an end to the friendship as I wouldn't feel right being friends with somebody that disrespected my relationship and my partner. That goes for existing friends, so it would DEFINITELY go for new people trying to become my friend! I would just see the guy as a sleaze if he kept trying it on when he knew I was in a relationship and wouldn't want to encourage him, why is your boyfriend encouraging her? Also I dunno, this is just picking really, but personally if I was joking about my bf banging another girl and his response rested on the girl's appearance (i.e. the reason he didn't wanna do it was because she was too skinny) I would feel a bit uncomfortable, what if a more to his tastes girl came along? I would respond to a bf in that scenario with how I'd never cheat on him with anybody because I love and only want him. Might make a joke with a 'plus, you know glasses don't do it for me!' or something light like that but yeah, I'd want him to know I wouldn't cheat fullstop whatever the other person's appearance. Then again I don't know the full story. If you're the jealous or insecure type and he's always having to justify himself for example maybe he doesn't put as much effort into denials any more. Nothing in your story gives that impression but just saying, I don't know you guys hence why that part of my response could be seen as picking at tiny things.
acrosstheuniverse Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 :( oh you guys...now i kinda wish i had never asked here...i love my bf and i do trust him so it's pretty hard to me, that almost all of you seeing him to cheat on me in the future...this is so sad but i already made some ''research'', livin in a pretty cozy town here it seems, like she added most of the ''regular'' guys at this gym on facebook, with the very same outcome: she likes everything they post... i know about 5 for sure so far, 3 of them also have a girlfriend and one of those 3 i also know myself and he told me, that she said the very same sentence i quoted above, to him as well...lol he told me also, that she looks really unhealthy, (he doubts that she even weighs a 100lbs by 5'7 height and that the gym staff already tried to talk some ''sense'' into her...he agreed to what my bf said, most feel sorry for her, because she obviously doesnt think that she has a problem...he also said, the only pictures shes not liking on his page, are those with his gf^^ but now i'm even more concerned...she seems really troubled...what if she turns into some stalker?! ((( Sadly on here you will always get a hard answer from almost all of us, because everyone's used to seeing these stories over and over again and they often end the way we suspect they may end! But yes, not everything in real life is as black and white. But either way, it doesn't matter how many guys she's flirting with and adding on facebook, it matters which of those guys with a girlfriend accept that friend request rather than delete it. If you're okay with him adding her then that's great, but I don't think you are or you wouldn't be on here. Just don't let the fact that she hasn't singled out your boyfriend make you feel too much better. There's nothing to say she isn't planning to bang every last one of those guys, your bf included. 1
thekid36 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 (edited) :( oh you guys...now i kinda wish i had never asked here...i love my bf and i do trust him so it's pretty hard to me, that almost all of you seeing him to cheat on me in the future...this is so sad but i already made some ''research'', livin in a pretty cozy town here it seems, like she added most of the ''regular'' guys at this gym on facebook, with the very same outcome: she likes everything they post... i know about 5 for sure so far, 3 of them also have a girlfriend and one of those 3 i also know myself and he told me, that she said the very same sentence i quoted above, to him as well...lol he told me also, that she looks really unhealthy, (he doubts that she even weighs a 100lbs by 5'7 height and that the gym staff already tried to talk some ''sense'' into her...he agreed to what my bf said, most feel sorry for her, because she obviously doesnt think that she has a problem...he also said, the only pictures shes not liking on his page, are those with his gf^^ but now i'm even more concerned...she seems really troubled...what if she turns into some stalker?! ((( Personally, I think the issue here is this. This forward woman may have had no idea that he was with someone when she started flirting. But, your other half has to know that the interest of this woman was suggestive and sexual from the start. Just based on her temperature observations. Then, instead of not encouraging her, his next action is to like her on Facebook and perhaps add more possible fuel to the fire. Not to mention that he acts sort of awkward when you brought up the whole dinner conversation. You would have absolutely nothing to worry about had he reacted differently. You cannot control her reactions. Nor, are they as important to be honest. It is his that you need to focus much more on. He is the person you are with. His response seems to be that he feels bad for her. It just seems sort of suspicious is all. Edited June 23, 2014 by thekid36
Author georgetana Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 (edited) well, that he has a girlfriend, does she know since they met, because it was like the second question she asked him^^ i know, i shouldnt feel ''better'' about that she obviously tries it on almost every guy...but i actually do somehow...it would be a lot worse, if my bf was really her ONLY target...right?^^ @todreaminblue we've always done that, that we share our hook up experience...i would be even more concerned if he had never told me about anything like this, because in my opinion, THAT is suspcious. If i would plan to cheat on my bf with someone i recently met, i would never bring that guy on the table... but obviously, that we are being honest with each other, doesnt seem to count much.... anyway...i still dont know what to do about...i can't change the fact, that they are members of the same gym and i'm certainly not forbidding him to talk to her.. @thekid what do you mean by ''had reacted differently''? . Edited June 23, 2014 by georgetana
thekid36 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 well, that he has a girlfriend, does she know since they met, because it was like the second question she asked him^^ i know, i shouldnt feel ''better'' about that she obviously tries it on almost every guy...but i actually do somehow...it would be a lot worse, if my bf was really her ONLY target...right?^^ @todreaminblue we've always done that, that we share our hook up experience...i would be even more concerned if he had never told me about anything like this, because in my opinion, THAT is suspcious. If i would plan to cheat on my bf with someone i recently met, i would never bring that guy on the table... but obviously, that we are being honest with each other, doesnt seem to count much.... anyway...i still dont know what to do about...i can't change the fact, that they are members of the same gym and i'm certainly not forbidding him to talk to her.. @thekid what do you mean by ''had reacted differently''? . What I mean is this. He could not necessarily control what she said about her liking the way he looks without a shirt. What he could and can control is his own reactions. Which have been to be friends with her on Facebook. While not being open to all of you getting together for dinner. All this while being in a relationship with you. If I was in the situation he was in and a woman told me what she did, I would definitely not have added her on Facebook. Not if I was in a committed relationship, at least.
Author georgetana Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 i see...but the sentence i quoted, she said to him after he accepted the request. And what i said about dinner: i suggested him to take her out to dinner, not that he invites her to US for dinner i'm sorry for that confusion But still, why wouldnt you had accepted her request, if u would know, that u not goin to do anything with her? U know what i mean? i guess he just didnt see the bigger picture here, as he has never turned down a friend request from anybody since i know him, not even people he actually didnt know...dont ask me why hes doin that^^
bene Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 I said to him, well then maybe should invite her to dinner...he laughed and said: ''No...although, it would be cheap probably.'' I ask him right away if he thinks shes attractive and he responded: ''she has a nice face...but sleeping with her, would be like banging a teenage boy.'' Maybe it's overanalyzing but this sounds like the only reason for him not to cheat on you is that the girl is not his type physically? Seriously, how about "I don't find her attractive in that way because I am with you"? I know men still see other women when in a relationship but I find it disrespectful to bring up "banging" other women with your girlfriend.
littleplanet Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 A lot of doom and gloom going on here. I don't think he's interested in her. I don't think the facebook thing means squat. Apparently your relationship, OP has a distinct quality of honesty in its communication? All to the good. Anything: can be over-analyzed to absolute death. (and often is, if we're so inclined.) As has already been suggested - if someone has serious bad intent on their mind they're not going to be so open and forward about who with. So if this is a trust issue, you either have that settled with your bf or not. argh. That's the trouble with social media. Everything means everything. And all it is - is a bunch of invitations to overanalyze everything. Until nothing means nothing. It's a molehill, OP. It does not require climbing boots.
thekid36 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 i see...but the sentence i quoted, she said to him after he accepted the request. And what i said about dinner: i suggested him to take her out to dinner, not that he invites her to US for dinner i'm sorry for that confusion But still, why wouldnt you had accepted her request, if u would know, that u not goin to do anything with her? U know what i mean? i guess he just didnt see the bigger picture here, as he has never turned down a friend request from anybody since i know him, not even people he actually didnt know...dont ask me why hes doin that^^ I would not have accepted a request of a woman who flirted with me while in a relationship with someone else because of wanting to be completely committed to my partner. I would be worried the other woman would get a sense of false hope. This might make her continue to approach me. I would not feel comfortable with that nor want it. Even more importantly, I would not want to do anything which may make my partner feel uncomfortable. Encouraging someone who made a sexual advance at me may not be the best strategy. A relationship should be based on mutual respect and trust. I should do things to make it the best possible. Not because of having to. But, because I want to.
MJTig Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Friends? Sure. Just friends? No. There will always be feelings involved eventually, from one or the other, or both. Nope. not always.
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