The XOM tried to contact me, I stood my ground and didn't reply, or break NC!!!

[tnimbus]

It's been 18 days since I began absolute NC with my EA XOM. I am getting to where I no longer miss him, or feel "withdrawal" type urges to talk to him. It's getting better, and I want it to keep getting better. My LTR is getting better, and I want that to keep getting better too.

I've read that it takes 21 days for the urges of a bad habit to start ceasing, if you don't give in to it..and I'm finding that to be true. Days 14 and 15 were insomnia and nightmare filled, but I didn't give in, and it is getting better.

This is just the beginning, I know, and my LTP and I have a road ahead, but the connectedness we're getting again, even after only 18 days, let's me know I'm on the right path.

I wouldn't go back to reset and Day 1 for anything..it's worth it.

[BetrayedH]

Well done. You sound much further along (and happier) than many on the "other" board. Keep committed to never resetting to day 1. Be smart and know that it only gets worse when you reset (and it's incredibly disrespectful to your partner).

[tnimbus]

*nods*...Indeed..it's been hard, and on bad days with life in general, the urge to "hit the addiction button" pops up..but I know that's only what it is. Like a rat hitting the 'food button" in a lab. It took 6 months from breaking it off to completely break it off..no contact, then hitting the button when it got bad, then feeling so low that I couldn't hardly function. I won't put us through it again....you were right BH..my self-esteem and my sense of self-worth have improved immensely since sticking to my word...our relationship is improving from this too.

 

If anyone out there reads this...the only way to get through it is to go through it..the contact will have to cease at some point, depending on your circumstances, so prolonging the inevitable will only make it worse. LS has helped me a great deal..I hope my posts can help others as well.

 

P.S...Happy 4th week everyone in the states!! On holiday here, and wish everyone well!!!

[compulsivedancer]

It helps if you can change your patterns so you don't have triggers that cause you to want to contact OM. One of my issues was that the organization where we both used to work would still show up in my FB feed. I thought it would be okay, but it ultimately was just a huge trigger.

 

Even though it was never about him, it would trigger me to do a google search for him (yes, I know...and there is a thread about this from both H and my perspectives). Even worse, in January he showed up in a picture on the page, the only picture of him I've seen taken since DDay.

 

Likewise, I changed my route through town shortly after DDay to avoid driving by his work (where his car used to always be parked out front). Yes, this took some extra thought of him up front, but it has saved a lot of triggers since then. Now it's habit to take the other route, and because I rarely drive by his work, it also broke the habit of looking for his car when I drive by (an unexpected but welcome consequence of changing this habit).

 

I've thrown out a handful of small things that make me trigger. I even stopped using my laptop, which is a major trigger, in favor of a different computer that doesn't trigger me.

 

It's hard at first, but it makes it so much easier to move on.

Edited July 2, 2014 by compulsivedancer

[tnimbus]

You know CD..you have a really, really good idea that I'm going to use, if you don't mind. My laptop is an awful trigger..I didn't quite realize it until I read your post, but I'll avoid my laptop for days, and feel a dread when I finally make myself face having to check my normal things, like banking, Netflix, etc.

I'm so sorry that you're still having to deal with so many triggers CD, and in the place where you live too. I hope these things get better for you soon. *nods and hugs* I've fought off the urge to check up on my exOM so far, and it's hard some days...but I know it would come to no good if I did. He was an avoidance mechanism for me...and when he pops into my head, I know it's because there is something in my life I'm wanting to avoid. (Some deep family of origin issues that have needed to be faced for years are burbling up..I may post about them in the family section.)

[I.bluitt]

tnimbus, I think that's really great. My infidelity was discovered by my wife 8 months ago. I immediately and completely cut off contact with the OW, and have not looked back. One person posting told me that wasn't normal and that I'm just suppressing things and will likely go back to what I was "missing".

 

I told them I didn't know what "normal" was, but that I had no desire to ever speak with her again. All that to say that while you're not "out of the woods" (Nor am I), I think you'll conquer this part of your situation. I know I will.

[tnimbus]

You will conquer it IB!!! You're doing much better then I did...it took 6 months or so to completely cut contact with my Xom. It only gets worse and worse if you keep up contact. Keep not looking back and only looking forward!