Am I doing the right thing?

[Misstaken93]

First off I wanted to say hi and thanks for reading my post, this is my first one and I hope it'll give me a new perspective and hopefully some confidence. To me, this is a very personal issue and has a lot of my insecurities in it but I still hope you will be honest with me. Before I was a pretty confident individual, I was happy and smiled everyday. I would always do my best and I was so positive. I would feel so beautiful and I embraced my own skin. But now it's different. I feel...ugly and I don't really smile as much anymore. Please bear with me, this story is kinda...ugly. Reader discretion is advised.

 

I wanted to start off by saying that I've been dating my boyfriend for quite some time now and we met under interesting circumstances. He was actually my sister's boss when I first met him, I just walked into her store (they worked retail ) just to say hi to my sister since I was in the area and that's when I saw him. It was love at first sight. I had brought my nephew along with me and he wanted to see his mom, my sister. He and my boyfriend hit it off immediately. They were laughing and chasing each other around the store. To me, that is the sexiest thing a man can do, play with a little child. I am a very family oriented person and I look for that in a man, someone who is good with kids. When it came to talking to me however he seemed really shy and it was quite cute. Was he not used to talking to women, I wondered. We continued to chat for a little bit and as we left I wondered if he was attracted to me as well.

 

Over time, I would frequently visit their store just to see the two (my sister and him) and one day he got the courage and gave me his phone number. We went out for a couple of dates, to dinner and the movies just having a good time and enjoy each other company. When he asked me to be his girlfriend I didn't hesitate in answering yes. I would often look back to these memories, and wonder where I went wrong...

 

We dated for a really long time and ended up moving in together. It was just perfect in the beginning but now...I would always try my best to keep the apartment clean (cleaning is one my hobbies, believe it or not) and I would always give it %1000 whenever I cooked. He always worked so hard and I wanted him to come home to a clean house and hot food. I just wanted him to be happy. I would satisfy him sexually and being with him was just amazing but over time I think I started to bore him because he started turning to porn in order to get off. I wanted to be a good girlfriend so I studied these girls and try to replicate their movements on him, but I don't think it really worked. He even asked me if I would get in shape for him. "Get in shape"? I always thought I was slender, and I know my breasts aren't as big as those porn stars, I'm pretty petite but I'm real. Was I not good enough? It was at that point that question started coming up in my head. Over time, it would show up frequently.

 

Let's fast forward time to the current issue at hand. We moved to another state together so I could go to college and finish school. We lived together for a little bit but then one day his wallet got stolen and it was a hassle getting everything replaced but the one that we couldn't get was his license. We had obtained so many different documents but it felt like the dmv didn't want to get his license back for him and finally we decided to get his license back where he originally had his license simply because it would be easier. That would mean he had to go back home which was on the other side of the country, several thousand miles away. But we figured it was for the best and then he left. He couldn't take a plane so he drove for a couple of days back home. I wanted to go with him but I couldn't go because of school and work so I stayed behind.

 

Everything was alright, he made it safely to his birth state. He saw his family and spent a lot of time with them, I suggest he stay there for a little bit longer, his dad's birthday was coming up and I said "Make it special for your father, I can wait a little bit longer." He said that he would, and thank you he said. I was happy that he was spending time with his family while he was there, family is so important. I thought everything was okay, that he was only spending time with them...and not with her...

 

I got a message on facebook for an unknown female, she was his friend but I had never heard of her. And she asked me if he was my boyfriend and I said yes, he is. She asked me if I had known what he was doing down there (she lives in the town he is at right now) and I said yes, he's visiting family and getting his license replaced. She then revealed to me that he was doing more than that.

 

She said he had asked her if she wanted to "hook up" with him one night. That same night I said it was okay to stay there and celebrate his father's birthday. And she did but only because she thought he was single and he said he was as well...as she explained this to me, I was in shock. At first I didn't believe her, I trust him, he wouldn't hurt me like this. It's horrible hearing this over the internet, via messaging, she could just be lying. Maybe she's in love with him and wants me out of the picture?

 

I called him and asked him myself (I would rather to ask him in person but I can't) if what she was saying was true. He was really quiet at first then he got mad and defensive. He said I didn't believe him, he was mad that I would believe some "whore" over him, he called me out saying I should "trust him" and I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I tried to defend myself saying that I do trust him and I only wanted to talk to him about it. Far along in the conversation he revealed to me, that he did betray me. He did sleep with her, just that once.

 

My heart dropped to the floor and shattered into a billion little pieces. He cheated on me? I thought....I thought he loved me? He begged for forgiveness and that he was weak and he doesn't deserve someone as amazing as me. In my head all I could think about myself was...You aren't good enough. That's why he wanted other women, that's why he looked at other women. All the porn, I knew it. He was bored with me, I wasn't good enough.

 

I was suicidal when I was younger, because I was bullied so much and I tried on several occasions to take my own life. But my family was there and they saved my life. I love them so much. I worked hard and tried to always remain positive despite the pain I had received. Do good and good things will come. I believed for years afterwards things would be better.

 

But now...all those horrible thoughts I had of myself came flooding back. Hitting me and beating me to the ground. I loved him so much and he had such a hold on me, it could kill me. It almost did kill me. I was destroyed after he told me the truth. I asked him "Why?" and he said because he was bored and stupid.

 

My heart was being ripped apart and I couldn't breathe that well. He betrayed me. You aren't good enough. I don't exactly remember how that phone call ended but he left me several texts and called me so many times after. He left so many voicemails telling me not to do it, please don't do it. He was so so sorry. "Please!" He begged me. The next thing I knew I had about 7 bottles of old prescription pills in front of me. I had poured the contents of each pill bottle onto the caps making little pill shots. I ended taking all of it, one after the other, but it wasn't enough I thought, that's not enough to kill me. I searched up and down for pills. Pain killers, and cold medicine. I had about 4 more bottles of those and I took those as well, crying the whole time.

 

Please let me die this time, I silently begged. Please. I tried so hard and I thought everything was going to be okay but it's never going to be okay for a worthless person like me. In the end my body rejected all the pills and I ended up vomiting it all up for what seemed like hours. It was probably was hours, I wasn't sure. I was so bitter after it. Not even death wants me, I thought. Exhaustion took place and I soon passed out.

 

When I came to, I was so bitter and miserable that I woke up. I don't know why but I looked for my phone afterwards. And when I looked at my phone, I had 119 missed calls and over 60 text messages. All from him, all through the night and morning he called me. I listened to the voicemails and he was sobbing. "I'm sorry" he said. "I'm so so sorry...Please be alive...Please be alive...Please God, don't take her away from me..."

 

I didn't want to talk to him but I sent him a text message. "I'm still alive, unfortunately..." Once I sent that he called me 20 more times. I finally answered and he said he was happy. Happy that I was still breathing but he was broken knowing I did what I did.

 

It didn't kill me, it was all out of my system. Later that day I kept beating myself up, somewhere inside of me, that happy confident me, was yelling at me. She told me to remember, remember why I fought so hard in the first place. Fought so hard to love myself, do you remember she asked me. For my family, I answered. That's right. Because they are the ones who truly matter, then I realized I truly am glad I didn't die. I would feel devastated if my nephew grew up without me. My mom, my brother and my sister, they would miss me. I don't want to go out that way. I don't want to die this way, not yet. I'm not ready to die yet.

 

Slowly we started talking again, he said that he misses me and he wants to come back home, our home he says. It was just that one time, and it was a mistake and he'll never do anything like that again. She means nothing to him. She'll never mean anything to him. He's in love with me and he's been in love with me since he first saw me. He says he wants to have a family with me, have a bunch of little kids running around and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. It's a lot of talk but can he back it up?

 

He says it might be a little while before he can come back home though, he spent a lot of money on this trip. His friend is an independant contractor who offered him a job for two weeks, renovating this preschool. He says it'll be more than enough to get him back home, and then he'll make up for everything he's ever done once he's back.

 

We're down to one more week but he says he might take up another job and stay for two more weeks to thank his friend. Does that make sense to you? I really wonder if he's telling me the truth, "You don't trust me?" he asked, and I asked if he could really blame me. "She's there in that same town with you, and you did it once before, who's to say you won't do it again?" I'll admit I was a little harsh but I had to say it. I don't know what he's capable of. I still don't completely trust him yet. He keeps changing his timeframe of when he's coming home. We're not done with this project yet, he would say.

 

And sometimes when he doesn't call me when he says he will, I wonder. Am I really doing the right thing here? Staying with him? I love him, I really do but am I doing the right thing? Is he the one for me? I really don't know, I want him to be but I don't want to be hurt anymore. I'm still struggling to love myself as it is. Am I doing the right thing?

[d0nnivain]

No you are not doing the right thing by staying with him.

 

 

From where I sit, you do all this stuff to make him happy: Clean, cook great meals, try to be more adventurous in bed & put up with it when he criticizes your body. Then he goes off & cheats on you and then lies about it! Really he's no prize.

 

 

Here's the thing You are good enough. He's the one who screwed up, not you. Please don't take your life over him. Get counseling. Get away from him.

 

 

Hang in there.

[RuralMama]

If it really is your heart's desire to stay with him, you need to build back trust. Counseling is a really good step. Also, a commitment to marriage is also a good step. I am sorry that you felt the need to take your life, but your realization that you have a lot to live for is huge. Please continue moving forward. If you want to talk to a free licensed counselor, please call 1-800-A-Family. They will call you back and you can get advice that will give you hope. Hugs sweetie!

[HappyLove]

No man is worth your life!