Complicated

[blyth]

Hi there.

 

I have an issue.

Basically I was in a relationship for a little over two years - this relationship was not good and was totally loveless - I loved but I was not loved back, it was a pretty toxic relationship and recently it has come to an end with me being broken up with.

My ex and I are still friends and we are pretty cool with each other, it has been 2 months since we ended it and we have both emotionally moved on as people do, however there is obviously some distance to go before we have both healed, myself more so than my ex as he never loved me.

My issue lies in this;

My ex has a friend (a semi good friend) who has always told me I was worth more, that has confessed on more than one occasion that he liked me more than he should, he has always been there for me and made no secret of his feelings towards me, I know for a fact he has felt this way about me for around 18 months - nothing has ever happened between us apart from his confessions and I have been kind about them - listening and nothing else.

Yesterday we met up for the first time in about 2 months - so the first time since the split and one thing led to another and he ended up kissing me, telling me that he didn't care about what anyone else though.

I told him it was probably best we take things slow for the sake of my ex (his friend) and for myself too...as I do actually like this guy.

He told me that he never understood why I was with my ex in the first place, that he and I were a much better match for each other and we felt comfortable - basically he had been waiting for this moment for over a year.

 

I went back to his place and there was some heavy kissing going on but he drove me home around midnight - in the car I asked him what this means and he told me "maybe we both wanted some company" and also told me that it was "good to see (me)" as I exited the car - there was no kissing, no hugs no nothing...just awkwardness.

 

It left me confused, I know that my ex is his friend but he said that he didn't care - I told him that I wanted to take things slow, he agreed (granted the kissing might not be slow but it happened regardless)

 

Anyone have any idea of whether I have just been used? Or is he feeling mega guilty or if its the classic wanting something you cant have and then when you get it you dont want it anymore?

 

Also, I have contacted him today and he has not responded to me.

 

Any advice would be great.

 

Thank you

Blyth

[GemmaUK]

Some things to note:

 

He is your ex's friend - this can stir up guilt or even fear possibly.

He has been consistent from the sound of it.

You suggested go slow - that is what he is doing.

 

You have basically only just split and if this guy has liked you this long he might have thought he has waited long enough so he doesn't want to go slow.

He might also be thinking you might go back to your ex.

 

This might just be a rebound for you.

It might just be a competitive friend thing for him in some way.

 

A guy who has tried to make a play while you are seeing someone else (his friend) is not necessarily the best choice as he wasn't bearing his friend in mind loyalty wise when saying he liked you.

 

So..I don't know is my answer.

 

I don't go from one relationship straight to another though.

I personally would also steer clear of someone who is a close friend of an ex as it could provoke drama.

[blyth]

Some things to note:

 

He is your ex's friend - this can stir up guilt or even fear possibly.

He has been consistent from the sound of it.

You suggested go slow - that is what he is doing.

 

You have basically only just split and if this guy has liked you this long he might have thought he has waited long enough so he doesn't want to go slow.

He might also be thinking you might go back to your ex.

 

This might just be a rebound for you.

It might just be a competitive friend thing for him in some way.

 

A guy who has tried to make a play while you are seeing someone else (his friend) is not necessarily the best choice as he wasn't bearing his friend in mind loyalty wise when saying he liked you.

 

So..I don't know is my answer.

 

I don't go from one relationship straight to another though.

I personally would also steer clear of someone who is a close friend of an ex as it could provoke drama.

 

Yes, me neither usually - I was planning on being on my own for a long long time, I have liked this guy for a while but I am not a cheat so I pushed it to the back of my mind and convinced myself I didn't like him and it worked really as I never acted upon anything.

 

I'm actually quite angry with him because he acts like my best friend and we are better friends than he is with my ex (his words not mine) to quote him verbatim "I consider you a better friend than him".

 

He said "we shouldn't tell anyone about this for a good while because its too soon" and thats when I said "yes we should take it slow" and he agreed.

 

I'm so confused and angry and hurt about this.

[GemmaUK]

OK...your anger isn't a good sign.

 

Do you think he is wanting to keep this quiet due to other reasons? This is where the 'have I been used?' comes in isn't it?

 

Something that women (especially women..I am one and I have done it) are good at is ignoring an instinct.

 

You are getting an instinct.

You may be totally wrong as to the reason behind it (quite often we are wrong - I was completely wrong with one I ignored) but it's there. There is something triggering it.

That something could just be you being not ready (perfectly reasonable).

 

The problem here is you can't be sure if it's being used or whether it's to do with your ex and mutual friends.

 

My sensible head says let this drop. It's too soon for you anyway just now.

If this guy likes you as much as he has always said then he will be around and will be back...but will have respected that you needed time after your break up. If he is meant to be there in six months time he will be and so will you.

I wouldn't go the route of clandestine meetings and keeping it from anyone else. Your instinct won't go away. You don't need that. You have just come out of something stressful. Give yourself a break.

[blyth]

OK...your anger isn't a good sign.

 

Do you think he is wanting to keep this quiet due to other reasons? This is where the 'have I been used?' comes in isn't it?

 

I am not entirely sure - I know that he won't want people to find out so soon because it is just that, too soon.

 

 

 

 

My sensible head says let this drop. It's too soon for you anyway just now.

 

Indeed - I agree wholeheartedly

 

If this guy likes you as much as he has always said then he will be around and will be back...but will have respected that you needed time after your break up. If he is meant to be there in six months time he will be and so will you.

 

 

This made me feel a lot better. Thank you!

 

Give yourself a break.

 

 

- I will do.

 

 

 

 

I think you're mostly completely right - I'm just going to see how it goes...not being able to speak to anyone I know about this is pretty hard.