My affair is destroying me

[mikethemechanic]

It was manipulated because he told me other people would be there and

he would invite other people

.

 

Indeed he did (two of his mates I didn't know).

 

I wouldn't say that three men there made it a romantic date, would you?

 

But why be presumptuous with somebody who mistreats you, what if he was a serial killer or a rapist why would you put yourself in harms way?

http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2011/8/30/negging-do-women-really-like-guys-who-treat-them-like-crap.html

Edited June 22, 2014 by mikethemechanic

[April Moon]

Don't know why his horrible comments etc didn't stop me.

 

I could be way off but this is my take. You have said you have low self-esteem. When people have low self esteem, they typically like to mess things up for themselves to prove they didn't deserve it in the first place. I feel like you felt your husband was such an amazing man and didn't understand why he would stay with you. The reason why your co-workers horrible comments didn't stop you is because you believe it (since you suffer from low self esteem you probably believe negative things about yourself instead of positives). Also, you believe that your co-worker are on the same level of worth. I think that is why you slept with him. Then you told your husband (which is a good thing). At the time of the ONS, you knew your husband would feel bad and you wanted to bring him down to your level. So if he stayed he would now be at your level of self worth. He would now question everything about himself like you do around him. You are bringing his self confidence down. But if he decided to leave, you would have proved your self-fulfilling prophecy that you weren't good enough and that he would leave.

 

Idk.... That is just my assessment but it could be completely wrong.

Edited June 22, 2014 by April Moon
Spelling

[Artie Lang]

prior to my husband, I spent years of my life sleeping with men I am not attracted to and being used and abused by them.

 

this is an unresolved issue that led you to cheat on your husband and why you crave the attention of an emotionally unavailable man.

 

as you've admitted yourself, you have massive self-esteem issues. you definetly need to seek counseling, pronto. first things first, i suggest you admit this "indescretion" to your husband. he deserves to know the truth. Second, if quitting your job is out of the question, you need to put as much distance between you and this man as possible.

 

actions speak louder than words. if you really are sorry about this and want to right this wrong, you'll act on it.

[Realist3]

this is an unresolved issue that led you to cheat on your husband and why you crave the attention of an emotionally unavailable man.

 

as you've admitted yourself, you have massive self-esteem issues. you definetly need to seek counseling, pronto. first things first, i suggest you admit this "indescretion" to your husband. he deserves to know the truth. Second, if quitting your job is out of the question, you need to put as much distance between you and this man as possible.

 

actions speak louder than words. if you really are sorry about this and want to right this wrong, you'll act on it.

 

Artie, she said she admitted it to her husband in the first post.

[aliveagain]

It was manipulated because he told me other people would be there and he would invite other people.

 

Indeed he did (two of his mates I didn't know).

I wouldn't say that three men there made it a romantic date, would you?

 

This is the troubling part, you stayed. Why didn't you leave when you figured out what was really going down? Why would you put yourself at further risk by drinking alcohol with three men? Marieclaire, I say bullsh*t, you stayed and had sex with him because you wanted to. You could have left anytime you wanted to specially after finding out no one else was coming and you were most likely going to be dessert unless you got yourself out of there. Question, did you ask your husband for his approval before you accepted his invitation? Do you think it would have bothered you if you knew your husband accepted a dinner date from a woman while he was away?

 

I can tell you it's killing your husband to know you are still choosing to work with the other man. No matter what your husband tells you now, your actions to stay will have a consequence some where down the line. This isn't your decision to make, staying at your job is your husbands decision to make. How will you ever get your betrayed husband to believe you can be trusted when nothing about your situation has changed? How will you make him feel safe when the predator you allowed into your marriage sits beside you at work? Did you both get tested for STD's, do so. You need to ask to be tested for the Herpes virus, it's a special test that isn't normally done. It can remain dormant for years and can be spread through oral and by finger insertion. Some STD's don't even show up for 6 months after the incident took place, you put your husband at risk. Please don't have sex with your husband until your both checked out.

 

You have sever boundary issues, your biggest obstacle will be showing your husband you can be trusted when he's not around. Get yourself into independent counselling to deal with your family of origin(FOO) issues, why do you need validation from other men, why isn't your husband enough.

[Hope Shimmers]

This isn't your decision to make, staying at your job is your husbands decision to make.

 

Wow... I think some important facts are getting overlooked in this thread. She already stated in an earlier post that she talked to her H about her post-doc position and he doesn't want her to leave it.

[aliveagain]

Wow... I think some important facts are getting overlooked in this thread. he already stated in an earlier post that she talked to her H about her post-doc position and he doesn't want her to leave it.

 

My read as a betrayed spouse is he was giving in to what she wants. No betrayed spouse wants their wayward partner to remain working next to the person their cheating on them with. Would you?

[Marieclaire]

Marieclaire

 

You may have missed my question so I will ask again. How are you interacting with this man at work now? And how do you plan to interact with him in future?

 

As a fWS who still works with the exOM, I know how hard it is but I am not sure you have thought this through yet about how you will "manage" work.

 

Hi Anne,

 

I try and keep my distance from him as much as possible.

 

It is difficult because he is such a big personality and often dominates all conversation in the office. So as a result I feel excluded from everything.

 

I don't go to tea breaks (I never did before though) and I no longer have my lunch with my coworkers as he is there. Instead I sit at my desk and sometimes meet one of my female friends for lunch.

 

It's not easy.

[Marieclaire]

[/b]

 

My read as a betrayed spouse is he was giving in to what she wants. No betrayed spouse wants their wayward partner to remain working next to the person their cheating on them with. Would you?

 

Equally though he knows quitting now would have massive long term consequences for us both. He always told me part of the reason he loves me is for my determination etc. he knows me leaving would be wrong for us both I'm the long ter,.

[Marieclaire]

This is the troubling part, you stayed. Why didn't you leave when you figured out what was really going down? Why would you put yourself at further risk by drinking alcohol with three men? Marieclaire, I say bullsh*t, you stayed and had sex with him because you wanted to. You could have left anytime you wanted to specially after finding out no one else was coming and you were most likely going to be dessert unless you got yourself out of there. Question, did you ask your husband for his approval before you accepted his invitation? Do you think it would have bothered you if you knew your husband accepted a dinner date from a woman while he was away?

 

I can tell you it's killing your husband to know you are still choosing to work with the other man. No matter what your husband tells you now, your actions to stay will have a consequence some where down the line. This isn't your decision to make, staying at your job is your husbands decision to make. How will you ever get your betrayed husband to believe you can be trusted when nothing about your situation has changed? How will you make him feel safe when the predator you allowed into your marriage sits beside you at work? Did you both get tested for STD's, do so. You need to ask to be tested for the Herpes virus, it's a special test that isn't normally done. It can remain dormant for years and can be spread through oral and by finger insertion. Some STD's don't even show up for 6 months after the incident took place, you put your husband at risk. Please don't have sex with your husband until your both checked out.

 

You have sever boundary issues, your biggest obstacle will be showing your husband you can be trusted when he's not around. Get yourself into independent counselling to deal with your family of origin(FOO) issues, why do you need validation from other men, why isn't your husband enough.

 

Hi, yes my husband knew what I was doing. As I say he had met this man before as we had him round, he had no reason (at the time at least) not to trust me.

[anne1707]

You also need to not engage in any non work topics of conversation. Don't ever ask or answer questions about weekend activities, don't talk about last nights TV, don't ask where he is going on holiday,.... Just keep it all purely work.

[Marieclaire]

But why be presumptuous with somebody who mistreats you, what if he was a serial killer or a rapist why would you put yourself in harms way?

Negging: Do Women Really Like Guys Who Treat Them Like Crap? - | - Science of Relationships

 

True. Interesting article.

 

Definitely fits.

 

I have no idea why I even gave him the time of day. He puts me down about my physical appearance, my acne. (He made a terrible comment once in front of people referring to the fact my face was like Braille- he still doesn't understand why I am upset about this and still continues to laugh at his joke). He is constantly reminding me of the 10 year age gap between me and my husband and tells me in a jokey fashion that I will die alone. He's always reminding me of the situations I experienced at school I've told him about, and remarks 'no wonder you had no friends if you were like that!'

 

I am such a mug.

[Marieclaire]

You also need to not engage in any non work topics of conversation. Don't ever ask or answer questions about weekend activities, don't talk about last nights TV, don't ask where he is going on holiday,.... Just keep it all purely work.

 

Agreed. Thanks, Anne :-)

[Marieclaire]

I could be way off but this is my take. You have said you have low self-esteem. When people have low self esteem, they typically like to mess things up for themselves to prove they didn't deserve it in the first place. I feel like you felt your husband was such an amazing man and didn't understand why he would stay with you. The reason why your co-workers horrible comments didn't stop you is because you believe it (since you suffer from low self esteem you probably believe negative things about yourself instead of positives). Also, you believe that your co-worker are on the same level of worth. I think that is why you slept with him. Then you told your husband (which is a good thing). At the time of the ONS, you knew your husband would feel bad and you wanted to bring him down to your level. So if he stayed he would now be at your level of self worth. He would now question everything about himself like you do around him. You are bringing his self confidence down. But if he decided to leave, you would have proved your self-fulfilling prophecy that you weren't good enough and that he would leave.

 

Idk.... That is just my assessment but it could be completely wrong.

 

Interesting idea, April moon.

[Hope Shimmers]

[/b]

 

My read as a betrayed spouse is he was giving in to what she wants. No betrayed spouse wants their wayward partner to remain working next to the person their cheating on them with. Would you?

 

Would I? It certainly wouldn't be my preference, but that doesn't mean it would not be in the best interest of (hypothetical) H and myself depending on the situation and how he handled it. So that may be just what has to happen for awhile.

 

What I would do, however, is irrelevant - he is the one who stated she should keep the post-doc for whatever reasons that are his own.

 

I didn't read anything to indicate that he was 'giving in to what she wants'. That may be just the way you chose to read it - your viewpoint based on your personal experience, but your read on it may not be relevant to the facts of THIS situation. Seems to me that since we aren't privy to what's in his brain, it is reasonable to accept what she clearly stated rather than assuming it really means something else.

[Hope Shimmers]

True. Interesting article.

 

Definitely fits.

 

I have no idea why I even gave him the time of day. He puts me down about my physical appearance, my acne. (He made a terrible comment once in front of people referring to the fact my face was like Braille- he still doesn't understand why I am upset about this and still continues to laugh at his joke). He is constantly reminding me of the 10 year age gap between me and my husband and tells me in a jokey fashion that I will die alone. He's always reminding me of the situations I experienced at school I've told him about, and remarks 'no wonder you had no friends if you were like that!'

 

I am such a mug.

 

His comments say much more about him than you. He has serious issues with self-esteem as well, or he would not be putting you down. He probably senses that you are an easy target and won't fight back. I would tell him where to go. Ughh!

[Marieclaire]

His comments say much more about him than you. He has serious issues with self-esteem as well, or he would not be putting you down. He probably senses that you are an easy target and won't fight back. I would tell him where to go. Ughh!

 

Too true.

 

I don't fight back. I just laugh along. But it does upset me inside. I never say anything like that to him, I used to be so nice and friendly. Desperate for his friendship even. I guess I just felt I had a potential good friend - a bit of a rarity.

 

He has lots of other female friends and is never so disrespectful towards them. FYI, he was like this even before anything happened.

 

He also has a habit of talking down to me a lot too, which just winds me up. I wish I wasn't such an easy target. My counseller is teaching me assertiveness techniques.

[Realist3]

True. Interesting article.

 

Definitely fits.

 

I have no idea why I even gave him the time of day. He puts me down about my physical appearance, my acne. (He made a terrible comment once in front of people referring to the fact my face was like Braille- he still doesn't understand why I am upset about this and still continues to laugh at his joke). He is constantly reminding me of the 10 year age gap between me and my husband and tells me in a jokey fashion that I will die alone. He's always reminding me of the situations I experienced at school I've told him about, and remarks 'no wonder you had no friends if you were like that!'

 

I am such a mug.

 

There are very very few posts that make me feel sad on this site; this one does. I am at a total loss for words at the moment from what i have read in this thread.

[Friskyone4u]

You still did not answer the question why you stayed and started drinking when you were alone with three men, two of whom you did not know. You could have left at any time but you should admit the truth that you enjoyed the attention and wanted to stay. Have you explained that to your husband. He knew you were going but not that you were the only female there with three men.

You really need to get to IC and figure out how to stop this infatuation or you will cheat again if your AP wants it.

Your husband better get his head together on what is going on or he will have a bigger problem than ONS

[Marieclaire]

There are very very few posts that make me feel sad on this site; this one does. I am at a total loss for words at the moment from what i have read in this thread.

 

They really are upsetting. They have been going on for ages, both before and after the ONS.

 

Thing is, he's a massive joker, clown like and can get away with it because of his personality/big guy nature. Most men I know would never get away with saying such things.

[Hope Shimmers]

Too true.

 

I don't fight back. I just laugh along. But it does upset me inside. I never say anything like that to him, I used to be so nice and friendly. Desperate for his friendship even. I guess I just felt I had a potential good friend - a bit of a rarity.

 

He has lots of other female friends and is never so disrespectful towards them. FYI, he was like this even before anything happened.

 

He also has a habit of talking down to me a lot too, which just winds me up. I wish I wasn't such an easy target. My counseller is teaching me assertiveness techniques.

 

OMG Mariclaire. Do NOT laugh along with him when he puts you down! The next time he tries that crap, tell him to NEVER talk to you again and NEVER insult you again and I would even think this might be considered harassment in the workplace. This makes me SO mad for you! What a piece of garbage this man is, but you need to never ever EVER let him talk that way to you again!

[Marieclaire]

You still did not answer the question why you stayed and started drinking when you were alone with three men, two of whom you did not know. You could have left at any time but you should admit the truth that you enjoyed the attention and wanted to stay. Have you explained that to your husband. He knew you were going but not that you were the only female there with three men.

You really need to get to IC and figure out how to stop this infatuation or you will cheat again if your AP wants it.

Your husband better get his head together on what is going on or he will have a bigger problem than ONS

 

The other two men did not give me any attention at all. Yes my husband knew I was the only female there - I spoke to him on the phone that evening.

 

You are right though, I should have left. I guess I just thought that because the other men were there that it would be ok. I guess I didn't question his motives as much because his mates were there too.

[Realist3]

But you allow him to do so, and then decide to sleep with him, and then you say you feel bad for playing with his emotions. Yet, feel strong emotional feelings towards him. It is mind boggling.

[Realist3]

And you are post-doc.

[Realist3]

You aren't a dummy. Please stop acting like one.