My affair is destroying me

[carhill]

Hi car hill,

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

To end this destruction, I want to be able to look at my coworker and not be bothered by him or feel this attachment. How I do that I don't know. As I said moving jobs just isn't am option.

 

I agree with you about working hours - I do work very long hours and have little time in life for me and my husband to enjoy ourselves. I also find it very hard to tune off and constantly worry and obsess about work. (I have diagnosed OCD and am receiving treatment for this). Maybe I obsess too much about my coworker. That is possible.

You've identified a task. You say you are receiving treatment for OCD. That's really good news, because that means a doctor is already involved and you can easily task your mental health professional to assist or seek one out if not currently seeing one. What you need is tools, as it sounds like you have your goal and a timeline already set out, with the timeline being, at maximum, the time left on this contract at this particular job and the goal being ending your feelings of attachment to this co-worker and re-focusing on your marriage and husband. A mental health professional can keep you focused on those aspects and provide you tools to achieve your goal. How about one hour a week with a professional and one hour a week with H that you wouldn't otherwise spend with your husband. That's two hours out of 168. Can you do it?

[Oberfeldwebel]

If you are not in individual counseling, you need to start. You also need to limit contact with OM, keep to business and cut out the chit-chat. Most of your issues are yours, as you have already stated, he doesn't care. You need to learn a healthy respect for you, then you won't care what the other man thinks about anything.

[Realist3]

Hi Realis3,

 

Nope my coworker has absolutely no idea. I don't want to tell him as I don't want to make things worse/engage in such a personal conversation with him.

Do you think that's the right thing to do?

 

If you want to keep this from getting worse, I would say not telling him is definitely the right thing to do.

 

And yes I agree. Maybe that is a base level of behaviour. I mean it when I say that because it really damaged my confidence and self-esteem. I seem to have this big self destruct button.

 

I also appreciate the fact you think my coworker treated me like crap - because, for some reason, I feel bad about what I have done to him. Even though he had nothing to lose and knew what he was doing, I still feel bad.

 

I am so messed up.

 

What do you feel you did to him, and why do you feel bad about it?

[whichwayisup]

Since you can't leave your job, see if you can put in a transfer to another Dept, that way you're not working so closely with your co worker.

 

My suggestion is, do some counseling. work on you and figure out why you selfishly risked everything for some guy. Your marriage may not be broken but you are. Respectfully, I say that. Something inside of you needs to be fixed, your past, or insecurities that drove you to do what you did, not having strong boundaries to stay away and not cross lines with men in general. You put yourself IN a situation where something could happen, you easily could have said no to seeing him. It didn't 'just' happened. And yes he may have manipulated you a bit but you went willingly.

 

Anyway I hope you and your husband are able to work through this.

[DKT3]

The odds that you can work with someone you say you have a strong emotional connection with and stay faithful is slim.

 

You keep saying you can't leave, so you are saying the job is more important then your marriage. If you were truly sorry, and really wanted to make it work leaving wouldn't be an issue in the slightest. So often the REAL issue with not wanting to leave is because your really unwilling to cut contact with the AP. Its a guilt free way of maintaining a relationship on some level.

 

There is always a way to work things out with the work situation if that is what your really interested in. However as long as your using work as an excuse to maintain a relationship all you will find is reasons not to leave, and your marriage will most likely end.

[oldshirt]

Hi,

 

 

.

 

I also feel he manipulated me to get me to end up in bed with him. He invited me over, whilst my husband was away, bought me wine, put on my favourite music. Call me naive (Christ I know I am!) but I just thought this was just him being friendly. But one thing led to another...and yeah, you get the picture.

 

.

 

 

 

That sure sounds like a romantic date to me. I'm not seeing where there was any manipulation.

[Marieclaire]

If you want to keep this from getting worse, I would say not telling him is definitely the right thing to do.

 

 

 

What do you feel you did to him, and why do you feel bad about it?

 

I don't know for sure. He's a lonely guy and I feel bad I played with his feelings. I think that's really warped because he doesn't care about me in that way at all so there weren't any feelings to play with.

 

It's also hard as well because he is really liked within my dept. Everyone really likes him. He's a bit of a joker clown type and everyone likes that. So all I hear all the time is how wonderful he is etc but really no one knows what he's really like or sees how he is with me.

 

That's why I feel bad.

[Marieclaire]

That sure sounds like a romantic date to me. I'm not seeing where there was any manipulation.

 

It was manipulated because he told me other people would be there and he would invite other people.

 

Indeed he did (two of his mates I didn't know).

 

I wouldn't say that three men there made it a romantic date, would you?

[Marieclaire]

The odds that you can work with someone you say you have a strong emotional connection with and stay faithful is slim.

 

You keep saying you can't leave, so you are saying the job is more important then your marriage. If you were truly sorry, and really wanted to make it work leaving wouldn't be an issue in the slightest. So often the REAL issue with not wanting to leave is because your really unwilling to cut contact with the AP. Its a guilt free way of maintaining a relationship on some level.

 

There is always a way to work things out with the work situation if that is what your really interested in. However as long as your using work as an excuse to maintain a relationship all you will find is reasons not to leave, and your marriage will most likely end.

 

No....you have it all wrong.

 

I want more than anything for this guy to be out of my life.

 

But I cannot simply cannot leave my job/postgraduate course!!! I've invested a lot of money and effort in it, and leaving now would be throwing that all away. I would get a bad reference for leaving the course early, and would have basically wasted three years of my life with nothing to show for it!!

 

To imply I don't want to leave my job because I want the other man in my life is not true in the slightest. I feel so trapped in my situation because I simply cannot leave!!!!!

 

Plus what does it say to my husband? It isn't going to address any trust issues at all. He will just think I cannot cope being around this man and that's what forced me out. The real issue is about becoming a stronger person so I never allow a situation like this to develop again, no matter what job I'm in!

[Hope Shimmers]

From the sounds of it, you are not technically in a "job", but you are doing some kind of a post-doc. This is not something you can just quit and take up somewhere else. To quit would mean you would lose your project/research, possibly years of it. If you quit a post-doc mid-way, no matter what the reason, you are unlikely to get another one. Even if you did, you would lose possibly years of training and research.

 

It isn't on any of us to make judgments as to whether that is necessary. Only you know your situation. That should be something you talk about with your husband and see how he feels about it. He may very well not want his wife to destroy a future career over this. That has implications for him too.

 

OP, what does he say about it? If he says he cannot tolerate your remaining there, then you may have to make that choice.

 

I like carhill's very directed ideas of things you can identify as goals and then finding the tools to achieve them.

[Hope Shimmers]

I just cross-posted with you AP. Didn't see your last post before I posted mine.

[Marieclaire]

From the sounds of it, you are not technically in a "job", but you are doing some kind of a post-doc. This is not something you can just quit and take up somewhere else. To quit would mean you would lose your project/research, possibly years of it. If you quit a post-doc mid-way, no matter what the reason, you are unlikely to get another one. Even if you did, you would lose possibly years of training and research.

 

It isn't on any of us to make judgments as to whether that is necessary. Only you know your situation. That should be something you talk about with your husband and see how he feels about it. He may very well not want his wife to destroy a future career over this. That has implications for him too.

 

OP, what does he say about it? If he says he cannot tolerate your remaining there, then you may have to make that choice.

 

I like carhill's very directed ideas of things you can identify as goals and then finding the tools to achieve them.

 

That's exactly what I do. I am a postdoc and simply cannot leave.

 

My husband is brilliant about it, he says he doesn't want me to quit, under any circumstances. He just wants me to delete this man from my life, which I am trying so hard to do.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Secondly, prior to my husband, I spent years of my life sleeping with men I am not attracted to and being used and abused by them. Believe me, if your self confidence is low enough, it is possible.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Until you address your underlying personal issues and baggage, I'm not sure what else can be done. This is an established pattern of behavior for you and until it gets fixed I don't know if there are any tricks or gimmicks that are going to matter.

 

 

As far as your husband, I don't know if he is truly aware of the depths of your dysfunction. His forgiveness may have been a little premature and he may change his mind at some point.

 

 

You simply aren't really marriage material at the moment but the world is full of creepy, predatorial men and when you are around they are obviously smelling blood in the water and are poised to pounce on you at any time. if you aren't capable of resisting their advances (which were pretty dang blunt and obvious) then you really aren't in any position to married and telling anyone that you will be exclusive on to them in the first place.

 

 

If your husband offers you a chance at reconciliation through counseling and therapy etc give it your best shot and hope for the best.

 

 

If he opts to let you go, please understand that his concerns are valid at this point and it is for his well being at this time to not take the risk with you and accept the divorce as amicably and without conflict or contesting it as much as possible as long as the division of the assets is as fair as reasonable to you.

 

 

 

 

Whether he keeps you around or lets you go, you need to find a competent therapist and work through your issues. Until your underlying self-esteem and other issues are corrected, you are pretty much doomed to continue this pattern of behavior and it's not fair to offer anyone a faithfull marriage that are not able to uphold.

[oldshirt]

It was manipulated because he told me other people would be there and he would invite other people.

 

Indeed he did (two of his mates I didn't know).

 

I wouldn't say that three men there made it a romantic date, would you?

 

 

 

That still didn't stop you did it.

[carhill]

OP, it sounds like you have all the basics in place: You understand the challenge, you already are open to receiving psychological assistance since you're being treated for OCD, and your husband is disclosed and on-board. IMO, you're in really good shape here. All that remains is doing the work. That takes a choice and a commitment. Will you choose to do that?

[Realist3]

I don't know for sure. He's a lonely guy and I feel bad I played with his feelings. I think that's really warped because he doesn't care about me in that way at all so there weren't any feelings to play with.

 

It's also hard as well because he is really liked within my dept. Everyone really likes him. He's a bit of a joker clown type and everyone likes that. So all I hear all the time is how wonderful he is etc but really no one knows what he's really like or sees how he is with me.

 

That's why I feel bad.

 

You played with his feelings? How so? Are you saying you were the one that initiated sex?

[revelations]

I have to always wonder why a woman that cheats is considered a victim. I know that OP's husband must be hurting and I do hope that the pain will make him a better person in the long run. I hope that OP's husband will learn that he deserves respect and love and will seek it out elsewhere. The only way to stop abuse like this (Yes to me cheating is abuse) is to not give the abuser more opportunities to abuse. I know that I have been very proud of myself that I refuse to allow myself to be treated as less than human.

[Marieclaire]

You played with his feelings? How so? Are you saying you were the one that initiated sex?

 

No I'm not saying that. It just happened. I don't know how, I don't remember, but it just did.

 

I guess I just hate myself for what I've done and feel bad enough for what I've done to my husband, I guess I'm attaching that to him now too.

[Marieclaire]

OP, it sounds like you have all the basics in place: You understand the challenge, you already are open to receiving psychological assistance since you're being treated for OCD, and your husband is disclosed and on-board. IMO, you're in really good shape here. All that remains is doing the work. That takes a choice and a commitment. Will you choose to do that?

 

 

Yes I will.

 

I just need to realise that the other man is an arsehole, because I know he is.

 

I also need to address my issues so it doesn't happen again.

[Marieclaire]

I have to always wonder why a woman that cheats is considered a victim. I know that OP's husband must be hurting and I do hope that the pain will make him a better person in the long run. I hope that OP's husband will learn that he deserves respect and love and will seek it out elsewhere. The only way to stop abuse like this (Yes to me cheating is abuse) is to not give the abuser more opportunities to abuse. I know that I have been very proud of myself that I refuse to allow myself to be treated as less than human.

 

Since when am I making myself out to be the victim?

 

I know what I did to my husband was absolutely awful in every respect.

 

He is the true victim in this.

[Marieclaire]

That still didn't stop you did it.

 

I know it didn't. But that's irrelevant to your initial point.

[Hope Shimmers]

That's exactly what I do. I am a postdoc and simply cannot leave.

 

My husband is brilliant about it, he says he doesn't want me to quit, under any circumstances. He just wants me to delete this man from my life, which I am trying so hard to do.

 

Well, what your husband wants you to do about your post-doc is certainly more relevant than what anyone here says should happen about it.

 

If I had quit my post-doc mid-way through I would not have a career right now, which would have been very detrimental to my kids (which I didn't have then). The long-term effects of such decisions have to be considered.

 

Forget about worrying that you did anything TO this guy to feel guilty about. You didn't. If you have to work with him, keep ALL your communication to him strictly business - not even small talk about home life or marriage. Just ignore him completely. And definitely stop socializing with him - he is no longer your friend. That is what you can do to get this man out of your life until you finish your post-doc and can literally move on.

 

As to avoiding such things in the future with other people, you have identified that boundaries may be an issue for you in certain situations, so I think you should keep ALL interactions with other men strictly business or else ALWAYS include your husband in social situations with them. That way you simply won't have the opportunity.

[Marieclaire]

Well, what your husband wants you to do about your post-doc is certainly more relevant than what anyone here says should happen about it.

 

If I had quit my post-doc mid-way through I would not have a career right now, which would have been very detrimental to my kids (which I didn't have then). The long-term effects of such decisions have to be considered.

 

Forget about worrying that you did anything TO this guy to feel guilty about. You didn't. If you have to work with him, keep ALL your communication to him strictly business - not even small talk about home life or marriage. Just ignore him completely. And definitely stop socializing with him - he is no longer your friend. That is what you can do to get this man out of your life until you finish your post-doc and can literally move on.

 

As to avoiding such things in the future with other people, you have identified that boundaries may be an issue for you in certain situations, so I think you should keep ALL interactions with other men strictly business or else ALWAYS include your husband in social situations with them. That way you simply won't have the opportunity.

 

Thank you. I really appreciate your advice.

 

I think that's a really valid point you've made about avoiding things in the future with other men etc. Certainly something I am going to do.

 

You say the other man is no longer my friend....Would you say that the other man was ever my friend in the first place? I don't feel he was in all honesty.

Don't know why his horrible comments etc didn't stop me.

[Hope Shimmers]

Thank you. I really appreciate your advice.

 

I think that's a really valid point you've made about avoiding things in the future with other men etc. Certainly something I am going to do.

 

You say the other man is no longer my friend....Would you say that the other man was ever my friend in the first place? I don't feel he was in all honesty.

Don't know why his horrible comments etc didn't stop me.

 

No, I don't think he was ever your friend, although that is all water under the bridge now.

 

I hope you find healing. Sounds like you have a great husband!

[anne1707]

Marieclaire

 

You may have missed my question so I will ask again. How are you interacting with this man at work now? And how do you plan to interact with him in future?

 

As a fWS who still works with the exOM, I know how hard it is but I am not sure you have thought this through yet about how you will "manage" work.