My affair is destroying me

[Marieclaire]

Hi,

 

I am in a desperate situation and really need some non-judgemental, independent help and advice.

 

I am a happily married woman in my mid to late twenties. My husband is amazing and I love him with all my heart. He is so supportive, understanding, caring, more so than I deserve. In fact there is nothing I feel I don't get from my relationship with him. I really want to stress this as I genuinely do love him - he is my partner, my lover, my best friend.

 

Recently however, I had a one night stand with a colleague at work. I have no idea why it happened. I don't even find the man involved attractive in any shape or form. In fact, I feel he is actually quite nasty and unpleasant towards me a majority of the time, yet we still ended up in bed together. I regretted it instantly, and the next morning I told my husband. Naturally he was distraught, as was I, but he decided to forgive me. We have been working on things since and I am receiving counselling to come to terms with what I have done to us.

 

And here is my problem - I cannot shake the man I had the affair with out of my head. I just can't get over it. I have no idea why. As I said previously he is unpleasant to me, and constantly picks and takes the mick out of my insecurities (my physical appearance, the bullying I experienced at school, my abusive ex-boyfriend, my lack of maternal instinct). Up until this point, I always assumed his behaviour towards me was just banter between friends - and I tolerated it. I have massive self esteem issues and a history of severe anxiety/depression and he knows this (not that that is an excuse in any way) and was just happy to have someone I considered a friend I guess that I could share these things with.

 

I also feel he manipulated me to get me to end up in bed with him. He invited me over, whilst my husband was away, bought me wine, put on my favourite music. Call me naive (Christ I know I am!) but I just thought this was just him being friendly. But one thing led to another...and yeah, you get the picture.

 

I work next to this man - our desks are next to each other and i see him every day. Leaving is not an option as I am trying to pave an academic career and need to finish my contract. Since the night, he hasn't seemed bothered by it at all. His behaviour towards me is the same, and whilst I have tried talking to him, he doesn't care about the impact this has had on me or my husband (bear in mind he knows my husband - we've had him round for dinner a few times!). He just doesn't care. I know he's lonely, and doesn't receive a lot of female attention. I think that's the only reason he slept with me. Bizarrely I feel sorry for him.

 

I have two issues - firstly, the guilt I feel towards my husband for what I have done. I hate myself for it. And just cannot shake it. Every time I look at him I remember his face and the hurt in his eyes when I told him. I know he deserves better than me. I know I do not deserve him. I want, more than anything, for things to work out. And so far, they are. My husband is amazing.

 

My second issue is that I just cannot shake the affair from my head. I cannot get over this guy. I don't fancy him in any way but I feel, since we slept together, this 'emotional attachment' towards him. Christ knows why, he doesn't care about me.

 

What do I do?? I am trying to hard to distance myself from him but it's so hard when we work together every day!! I work nearly 13 hour days, 5 days a week with this man. I don't have a lot of friends and i can't really talk to anyone about this.

 

Any advice you can give me would be so appreciated. This is tearing me apart.

 

Please don't judge me. I hate myself enough for what I've done without being told it.

 

Please help.

[twosadthings]

Quit your job and get psychological help but quit your job like Monday.

 

Twosadthings

[notserene]

While I understand the "quit your job" responses that you will get I understand that it may not be practical to do so immediately. For the short term, is there any way that you can ask to be moved to a space that is not near him? That at least will get you out of his line of sight.

 

I'm glad that you told your husband and that he appears to be forgiving. Be careful, however, because betrayed spouses (I am one) can seem calm and rational at first...then the dam bursts.

 

The guy sounds like a real piece of work...he spends all this time putting you down AND gets you to sleep with him?? Even if you were single, I'd stay far away from this one.

[giblesp]

You must get yourself some help, and look after yourself first and foremost.

 

You're going to have to tell your husband what happened. This is honest and fair. On the long term it will help you heal.

 

There's a happy ending to this, but its not going to be easy at first. Get yourself healthy first and foremost.

[TylerDurdenn]

I feel sorry for your husband, poor guy.

[road]

This is why there must be NC, no contact with the AP after the affair.

 

 

The contact increases the risk of the affair restarting, keeps the affair alive in the WS's memory, and the BH's mind as well.

 

 

Also the BS goes bat $h!t crazy worrying about WS's continued contact with the AP. This just keeps the affair on the front burner instead of the affair being left in the past.

 

 

If the job is held to be more valuable then a marriage then better to end that marriage.

 

 

Also why did the OM know your BH was away so he knew that he had a window of opportunity with the chance to bang?

 

 

Too much sharing about your married life with outsiders that do not need to know.

[Marieclaire]

This is why there must be NC, no contact with the AP after the affair.

 

 

The contact increases the risk of the affair restarting, keeps the affair alive in the WS's memory, and the BH's mind as well.

 

 

Also the BS goes bat $h!t crazy worrying about WS's continued contact with the AP. This just keeps the affair on the front burner instead of the affair being left in the past.

 

 

If the job is held to be more valuable then a marriage then better to end that marriage.

 

 

Also why did the OM know your BH was away so he knew that he had a window of opportunity with the chance to bang?

 

 

Too much sharing about your married life with outsiders that do not need to know.

 

I appreciate your opinion and understand where you are coming from but It really isn't as simple as that. To imply I value my job more is unfair. I am in the middle of training for a qualification I have worked very hard for and can't just give it up.

 

And we were having just a casual conversation about each other's weekends (like you do with colleagues) and it just came up. Maybe I should have been more wary of his intentions.

Trouble is He'd invited me around a few times previous to this, for food etc, mostly because me and my husband had had him around at one point. Yes he did it when he was away, but I really didn't suspect it was anything different. How hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I am now asking myself the question why I was ever friends with him in the first place, as he is so horrible to me most of the time. Where do you draw the line between banter and friendship?

Edited June 22, 2014 by Marieclaire

[sisa]

it's apparently that you don't even in love with your colleague, it's one night stand, it's not affair.

 

no need to sacrify your job because this mistake, but make sure your husband is ok with you stay in current job.

[Realist3]

I'm not buying the whole he manipulated you or naive thing at all. I think you were indeed attracted to him and knew what being invited to his house for drinks meant. Why would any married woman accept a date to another man's house while her husband is out of town but for not getting busted for what you were about to do? No woman just sleeps with a guy she is not attracted to; I know this for a fact. Perhaps you have been in denial about your feelings for him as an effort to assuage your guilt.

 

What has the co-worker said to you about the ONS since?

Edited June 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Clay]

I do think you need to quit your job. I do agree with the other poster that you might not be in love with the AP but over time your Husband knowing you around this man It will tear him apart. We all think we are strong but wait until he is out of town and he starts thinking about you and your AP together. It will destroy him and as a result it will destroy your relationship.

 

There are consequences for cheating. You state you feel horrible for this but how this but imagine to your Husband how he feels your still around this guy every day. In his mind its a clear signal that guy must not have been that bad. Your choice to stay around that guy will shows that you are ok with being close to him.

 

In this case I think your actions are speaking louder than your words.

 

I hope you seek help and at least consider what I am saying about leaving your job.

 

Clay

[bubbaganoosh]

Here's what you do. Make your mind up what's more important, your job or your marriage.

 

You work with this guy. Sit right next to him at work and you can't get him out of your mind. You can start by not seeing him any longer but to do that, you need to quit and find another job.

 

Another problem is you husband forgave you and it seems like that isn't enough for you to right your wrong.

 

What needs to happen is for your husband to bring the hammer down on your ass hard enough for you to see what your losing.

 

He forgave you yet that isn't enough for you. Maye he should have thrown you out of the house and let you sit and stew for a good long time for you to wake up.

 

IMO, he's gone above and beyond for you by forgiving and trying to move on so why don't you stop thinking about your own selfish ass and be grateful that you have your husband and a roof over your head.

 

if it was me, I would have thrown you out and moved on so how about you start doing the right thing and at least make a effort to show your husband the respect he deserves and you doing the right thing and try to be the wife he deserves.

[giblesp]

I'm not buying the whole he manipulated you or naive thing at all. I think you were indeed attracted to him and knew what being invited to his house for drinks meant. Why would any married woman accept a date to another man's house while her husband is out of town but for not getting busted for what you were about to do? No woman just sleeps with a guy she is not attracted to; I know this for a fact. Perhaps you have been in denial about your feelings for him as an effort to assuage your guilt.

 

What has the co-worker said to you about the ONS since?

 

OP has realized she's made a mistake and she's stressed out enough about it. I don't feel its necessary to focus on why she had a ONS. Its happened and she is in a situation she is trying to improve.

Edited June 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Allumere]

You made a mistake. You now need to move on and as long as this other man is in your life THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN. You CANNOT move on, heal, etc. and more importantly your husband will not be able to move on if you are seeing and interacting with OM so closely everyday. As much as I understand the impact to your current career path IMHO you absolutely do have a choice and right now you are choosing your job over your marriage.

[Marieclaire]

I'm not buying the whole he manipulated you or naive thing at all. I think you were indeed attracted to him and knew what being invited to his house for drinks meant. Why would any married woman accept a date to another man's house while her husband is out of town but for not getting busted for what you were about to do? No woman just sleeps with a guy she is not attracted to; I know this for a fact. Perhaps you have been in denial about your feelings for him as an effort to assuage your guilt.

 

What has the co-worker said to you about the ONS since?

 

For a start, he doesn't live on his own. All his housemates were there.

 

Secondly, prior to my husband, I spent years of my life sleeping with men I am not attracted to and being used and abused by them. Believe me, if your self confidence is low enough, it is possible.

 

My co-worker doesn't care in the slightest about it. I have tried talking to him but he really doesn't care/want to know, he just behaves as before. When he was drunk He did text me telling me he was lonely though and that's why it happened and he's sorry I am victim to it.

 

As regards to leaving my job comments, believe me when I tell you that I can't. I don't wish to discuss my job situation in detail but if I leave now I will be throwing away years of training and will get no qualification as a result. Please believe that and please don't tell me to leave my job because it really isn't an option. If I could, I would, believe me!!

Edited June 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[anne1707]

OP has realized she's made a mistake and she's stressed out enough about it. I don't feel its necessary to focus on why she had a ONS. Its happened and she is in a situation she is trying to improve.

 

I disagree. For the OP to move on from this and successfully reconcile with her husband, she needs to take responsibility for her actions including understanding why she did have a ONS. This is even more important if she is insistent on continuing to work so closely with the OM as she has to make sure she has no residual feelings for him and has clear boundaries in place if her marriage is to stand a chance.

[Marieclaire]

Please, I appreciate all your advice, I really do. I am at the end of my tether.

 

But telling me to leave my job isn't helpful. I simply can't. I have been training for years and if I leave now I will not get my qualification and no one will offer me a job as a result. I simply cannot do that.

 

 

Technically, I am a postgraduate student so have also paid a lot money for this, that I cannot chuck away.

 

Please understand that.

[anne1707]

If you are going to continue working with him, how do you plan to interact with him in future? Do you two still chat about non work related issues?

[Realist3]

OP has realized she's made a mistake and she's stressed out enough about it. I don't feel its necessary to focus on why she had a ONS. Its happened and she is in a situation she is trying to improve.

 

i would disagree. She claimed to not know why she did it. If you don't know why it is pretty difficult not to repeat the same mistake. Secondly, she still has strong emotional feelings to her co-worker. She needs to straighten those things out.

[painfullyobvious]

You need to address your issues in counseling individually. You admit self esteem issues which are often temporarily relieved from opposite sex attention or those that are willing to make us feel better through compliments. This one night stand perhaps increased how you felt about yourself while in the moment of sex and attention.

 

You don't necessarily have to like the person you slept with or find them attractive. This was about filling a void in yourself. I agree with the posters here that after a one night stand or an affair you need no contact from the person you slept with for multiple reasons. There is the possibility for this to happen again being in proximity of him, how does your husband function knowing you see his everyday and you are reminded of your mistake every time you see him which is unhealthy as well.

 

Start looking for a similar job to meet your education requirements. This cannot be the only place in the world that meets the requirements. Can you move within the company or just your area to be away from the man you slept with or are you working on things together? Most importantly find out why you felt the need to cheat. If you do not address this what will happen when you actually find yourself attracted to someone or emotionally connected to a person outside your marriage? Probably in the same place you are now. Good luck and work at being a remorseful spouse.

[carhill]

Any advice you can give me would be so appreciated. This is tearing me apart.

 

Welcome to LS.

 

If you could identify one task to move this forward and end the destruction you feel, what would it be? What are you willing to sacrifice to move this forward and heal? Life is about choices. What are you going to choose to do and why?

 

Currently, you work 65 hours a week. Would you be willing to sacrifice an hour or two per week to work on this? No job change is required. If you need clout with your employer, your doctor can help. Again, it comes down to choices and goals. What do you choose to achieve your goal?

[Realist3]

For a start, he doesn't live on his own. All his housemates were there.

 

Secondly, prior to my husband, I spent years of my life sleeping with men I am not attracted to and being used and abused by them. Believe me, if your self confidence is low enough, it is possible.

 

My co-worker doesn't care in the slightest about it. I have tried talking to him but he really doesn't care/want to know, he just behaves as before. When he was drunk He did text me telling me he was lonely though and that's why it happened and he's sorry I am victim to it.

 

As regards to leaving my job comments, believe me when I tell you that I can't. I don't wish to discuss my job situation in detail but if I leave now I will be throwing away years of training and will get no qualification as a result. Please believe that and please don't tell me to leave my job because it really isn't an option. If I could, I would, believe me!!

 

So it is the repeat of a pattern. At some base level you must be attracted to that type of behavior. That is why I said you are in denial about your attraction to him or you wouldn't have done it in the first place and you would have these strong emotional feelings for him.

 

Does your co-worker know how strongly you feel about him emotionally?

[Marieclaire]

So it is the repeat of a pattern. At some base level you must be attracted to that type of behavior. That is why I said you are in denial about your attraction to him or you wouldn't have done it in the first place and you would have these strong emotional feelings for him.

 

Does your co-worker know how strongly you feel about him emotionally?

 

 

Hi Realis3,

 

Nope my coworker has absolutely no idea. I don't want to tell him as I don't want to make things worse/engage in such a personal conversation with him.

Do you think that's the right thing to do?

 

And yes I agree. Maybe that is a base level of behaviour. I mean it when I say that because it really damaged my confidence and self-esteem. I seem to have this big self destruct button.

 

I also appreciate the fact you think my coworker treated me like crap - because, for some reason, I feel bad about what I have done to him. Even though he had nothing to lose and knew what he was doing, I still feel bad.

 

I am so messed up.

[Marieclaire]

Welcome to LS.

 

If you could identify one task to move this forward and end the destruction you feel, what would it be? What are you willing to sacrifice to move this forward and heal? Life is about choices. What are you going to choose to do and why?

 

Currently, you work 65 hours a week. Would you be willing to sacrifice an hour or two per week to work on this? No job change is required. If you need clout with your employer, your doctor can help. Again, it comes down to choices and goals. What do you choose to achieve your goal?

 

Hi car hill,

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

To end this destruction, I want to be able to look at my coworker and not be bothered by him or feel this attachment. How I do that I don't know. As I said moving jobs just isn't am option.

 

I agree with you about working hours - I do work very long hours and have little time in life for me and my husband to enjoy ourselves. I also find it very hard to tune off and constantly worry and obsess about work. (I have diagnosed OCD and am receiving treatment for this). Maybe I obsess too much about my coworker. That is possible.

[mikethemechanic]

Hi,

 

I am in a desperate situation and really need some non-judgemental, independent help and advice.

 

I am a happily married woman in my mid to late twenties. My husband is amazing and I love him with all my heart. He is so supportive, understanding, caring, more so than I deserve. In fact there is nothing I feel I don't get from my relationship with him. I really want to stress this as I genuinely do love him - he is my partner, my lover, my best friend.

 

Recently however, I had a one night stand with a colleague at work. I have no idea why it happened. I don't even find the man involved attractive in any shape or form. In fact, I feel he is actually quite nasty and unpleasant towards me a majority of the time, yet we still ended up in bed together. I regretted it instantly, and the next morning I told my husband. Naturally he was distraught, as was I, but he decided to forgive me. We have been working on things since and I am receiving counselling to come to terms with what I have done to us.

 

And here is my problem - I cannot shake the man I had the affair with out of my head. I just can't get over it. I have no idea why. As I said previously he is unpleasant to me, and constantly picks and takes the mick out of my insecurities (my physical appearance, the bullying I experienced at school, my abusive ex-boyfriend, my lack of maternal instinct). Up until this point, I always assumed his behaviour towards me was just banter between friends - and I tolerated it. I have massive self esteem issues and a history of severe anxiety/depression and he knows this (not that that is an excuse in any way) and was just happy to have someone I considered a friend I guess that I could share these things with.

 

I also feel he manipulated me to get me to end up in bed with him. He invited me over, whilst my husband was away,

bought me wine

, put on my favourite music. Call me naive (Christ I know I am!) but I just thought this was just him being friendly. But one thing led to another...and yeah, you get the picture.

 

I work next to this man - our desks are next to each other and i see him every day. Leaving is not an option as I am trying to pave an academic career and need to finish my contract. Since the night, he hasn't seemed bothered by it at all. His behaviour towards me is the same, and whilst I have tried talking to him, he doesn't care about the impact this has had on me or my husband (bear in mind he knows my husband - we've had him round for dinner a few times!). He just doesn't care. I know he's lonely, and doesn't receive a lot of female attention. I think that's the only reason he slept with me. Bizarrely I feel sorry for him.

 

I have two issues - firstly, the guilt I feel towards my husband for what I have done. I hate myself for it. And just cannot shake it. Every time I look at him I remember his face and the hurt in his eyes when I told him. I know he deserves better than me. I know I do not deserve him. I want, more than anything, for things to work out. And so far, they are. My husband is amazing.

 

My second issue is that I just cannot shake the affair from my head. I cannot get over this guy. I don't fancy him in any way but I feel, since we slept together, this 'emotional attachment' towards him. Christ knows why, he doesn't care about me.

 

What do I do?? I am trying to hard to distance myself from him but it's so hard when we work together every day!! I work nearly 13 hour days, 5 days a week with this man. I don't have a lot of friends and i can't really talk to anyone about this.

 

Any advice you can give me would be so appreciated. This is tearing me apart.

 

Please don't judge me. I hate myself enough for what I've done without being told it.

 

Please help.

Alcohol because no great love story started with " eating salad" and "candy is dandy but liquor is quicker"!

[Clay]

I think you should try to look at this from a different stand point. Imagine if it was your Husband who had the ONS with someone he worked with and traveled with. You agreed to stay him after he told you but you have to live with the fact he wont stop working with her. Imagine that damage that would do to you in the long run. Never knowing if he is talking to her or making plans to hook up again while your not around.

 

I think your best bet is to get counceling at this point and try to figure out why you did what you did and to better help yourself in the future. I don't want this to sound mean but I think you need to consider your future without your Husband. We all say we can deal with it but in time it just eats us up. Since you are choosing your job then you should prepare yourself to be without him in the future.

 

Hopefully you both will be able to work it out.

 

Clay