Coping with my girlfriends early relationship one night stand

[Brydk]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm looking for some insight and advice on how to cope with some emotional feelings I am having in my relationship. Sorry for how long winded this post is but I appreciate your insight.

 

I'm a 21 year old male in a relationship with my 19 year old girlfriend. We've been dating for 5 months and we are both extremely happy with where our relationship is. I've honestly never felt so strongly about someone and she makes me smile every day. After many years of dating casually I never thought I'd find someone that clicked with me so well. I want to be in it for the long run.

 

With that said I have struggled at times with her sexual past. Before this relationship I had experienced a handful of dates and a couple small relationships. Sexually I was a virgin yet had experienced intimacy on a lighter level with a few people. I had never loved someone though nor felt as strongly as I do about her.

 

Comparatively my girlfriends history is the flipped switch of mine. She had never experienced dating or a real date previous to us being together. Counter to that though her sexual past is a lot more expansive than mine. This in many ways is the factor of our out of high school situations. I went to community college while working and living at home initially. Whereas she lived in University res for a year and played varsity sports. In short our circles were vastly different and that led to different lifestyles and experiences.

 

I initially was intimidated by her sexual experience. Being someone who had never experienced much intimacy hearing her talk about stories that involved funny party hookups and sexual encounters made me feel uneasy (I have since told her this and it's made this initial situation a lot more manageable). In the first 2 months I'd have small moments of wondering who she might of slept with and how many people she might have been intimate with. It was never prevailing but each time it happened I'd get a terrible sinking feeling in my stomach.

 

Since this time we had a discussion about a "ballpark" of her past (around 10). Which I regretted in asking but put me at ease in some way. To preface each partner she had sex with was either a one night stand or a casual sex partner.

 

I was able to move on from the whole situation a bit and have rarely felt any anxiety towards her sexual past.. until this past week.

 

A few days ago we were reminiscing about our first date and our reactions to the experience. One thing led to another and we were looking at her best friends text chat convo history from after the date. She immediately became distressed at the notion and wanted to screen the conversation before letting me read it which made me feel uneasy. I asked what was wrong and she explained that she didn't want me to see anything that might hurt me. That sinking feeling came back and I asked what she was hiding from me. After a bit more back and forth on the situation she finally explained to me what she didn't want to share.

 

This was the fact that after our first date the next night she got "blackout drunk" at a party and slept with someone. It was something she explained that she felt guilt and regret for immediately at that time. I handled the situation well as she was upset while explaining it. She explained her guilt about the situation and I reciprocated with my honest feelings of comfort for her. I understood that this happened before we were serious and I knew this had nothing to do with the feelings we felt for each other today.

 

Regardless though I felt hurt from finding this out. Knowing that someone else had slept with her within our dating relationship didn't sit well with me. I feel like I would of brushed it off more if it had been days before but knowing it had happened the night after our first date made me sick to my stomach. It also ties into how special we both felt the first date was. Out of all the dates I had been on to that point it blew each of them out of the water and we shared this same emotion for how amazing it was.

 

It's been 3 days since we had this conversation and I haven't been able to shake going into a negative place from time to time. Whenever I've been with her since it's been amazing as usual but when alone I have dipped into negative thought patterns that makes me sick to my stomach.

 

I don't want to feel this way as I know how good our relationship is now and that this is the past not the present.. What can I do to overcome these feelings?

 

Thanks!

Edited June 22, 2014 by Brydk

[Yamaha]

Trust!

Do you trust her?

That is the only thing that will make your hurt feelings abate.

That said. you both have very different backgrounds.

Are you sure the differences in experience will not haunt your thoughts?

People make mistakes and if you both care for each other you can work things out.

I guess the answer comes back to trust. If you fully trust her and can see she is remorseful, then your relationship should flourish.

Talk to her and tell her how you feel. Communication is the best remedy.

[Brydk]

Trust!

Do you trust her?

That is the only thing that will make your hurt feelings abate.

That said. you both have very different backgrounds.

Are you sure the differences in experience will not haunt your thoughts?

People make mistakes and if you both care for each other you can work things out.

I guess the answer comes back to trust. If you fully trust her and can see she is remorseful, then your relationship should flourish.

Talk to her and tell her how you feel. Communication is the best remedy.

 

Thank you for this response. It rings home pretty well for me.

 

I really do trust her. Thinking about how I feel about her I know that it isn't the biggest deal at the end of the day.

 

Yes I will remember it and it's unfortunate but it's something I can live with none the less.

 

Our histories may have different backgrounds but we were both searching for the same thing (we've discussed this at length). That being someone who truly cares for us and loves us back.

 

My road was the dating scene where I tried and failed on multiple occasions. Her's was through trying to find connection to someone through intimacy.

 

In the end we somehow found each other and I know it's quite special. If the feeling persists I'll bring it up to her but I think I'll focus on the positives when the negatives arise in the next little bit.

[nerdlingZA]

Its hard to trust someone like that. My advice for you would be to try lessen your emotions f or her by that I mean become emotionally unavailable but this continue to do that things u used to do up untill u trust her. "She's Done it once she can do it again" - Steve harvey