harvej Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 After 4 months of dating, all was good between us and she has a birthday party tonight. I suddenly get a text message uninviting me to the party and that she doesn't think we should see each other anymore. This is after she asked if I was coming just last night and earlier in the week when I delivered her flowers for her birthday. Both are divorced, had a great courtship and suddenly she went cold and said she is damaged form her marriage where her evangelist husband was cheating on her with hookers and this went on for years until she divorced him. During our time together, she said I was the best man she had ever dated and told me she was falling in love with me. As recent as last week we were intimate. Suddenly she went cold for no reason, and now I get this text this morning. My request for advice is: 1. Is it ever decent to do something like this over text messaging? 2. Is it disrespectful? 3. Should I disappear on her? 4. Is this behavior of a damaged person? 5. Classy move or what? I don't know what to think other than I was discarded. I am a man, I am not young or old, but I find myself fin tears on the way it was done, vs breaking up and being dumped. How can I heal faster and what type of person does this? She has BPD diagnosed by professionals. If nothing lese, is text the way people do these things these days? Seems so cold. Link to post Share on other sites
irresolute Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 go no contact. she'll probably be back, if you two had something strong going on (which I doubt, 4 months is nothing), but keep in mind that if you take her back, she'll lose all respect for you. Best way is just forget about her. Yes, she's been disrespectful, and NO< she doesn't deserve a second chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 IMHO, never is a text acceptable. It is cowardly and disrespectful. Usually the gone cold act is that she has meet someone else of interest. Not always but more often than not. BPD = run away unless they have done years of therapy...and even then it can be a tricky course. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 It's horrible behavior. Unfortunately, there aren't many ways to punish her other than texting back, "u cant dump me cos i alredy dumped u ha ha". So do that. Link to post Share on other sites
zen2475 Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 It's horrible behavior. Unfortunately, there aren't many ways to punish her other than texting back, "u cant dump me cos i alredy dumped u ha ha". So do that. What are you? 13? OP: Dumping by text is never acceptable and very disrespectful. Regardless of her BPD, it still sounds like she has issues to deal with because of her ex and is not in a good place for a relationship (as evidenced by how she broke up with you). You deserve someone who is just as invested in the relationship as you and is in a healthy place emotionally. This woman is not. Go NC and work on moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 It's pretty rude. I'm not going to say a text to end something is never an option. One meet-up through OLD with no connection, you may be lucky to get a text rather than a simple dissappearance but after 4 months & to uninvite you to a party, that is classless. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 . My request for advice is: 1. Is it ever decent to do something like this over text messaging? 2. Is it disrespectful? 3. Should I disappear on her? 4. Is this behavior of a damaged person? 5. Classy move or what? I don't know what to think other than I was discarded. If nothing lese, is text the way people do these things these days? Seems so cold. 1. No. It's not decent to break up with someone over text messaging. Only cowards choose texting to break up with someone. 2. Very disrespectful. I don't care if she has one arm and is blind and a paraplegic. Her BPD diagnosis does not excuse her from treating you with respect. Mentally ill people know the difference. I hate it when people use that label as an excuse to rationalize or justify their behavior with another person. Well short of physically harming someone during a psychosis, which is probably the only exception. 3. YES! Seek out a healthier person to have a relationship with. Someone who respects you and speaks to you in person rather than rely on texting. 4. Yes she is. See #2. 5. Not a classy move. No. Yes. You were discarded. People who break up with their SO via text or IMing do so because they don't want to take responsibility for their actions. They don't want to feel guilty for seeing the hurt expression their rejection causes. Sorry that this happened to you. It sucks to be discarded by another person whom you invested in, in such a callous manner. Shows you how little they thought of you to begin with. So the silver lining here is that you have seen her true colors. Even BPD'ers need to be held responsible for their actions. No one is exempt from personal accountability. No one. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
irresolute Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 It's horrible behavior. Unfortunately, there aren't many ways to punish her other than texting back, "u cant dump me cos i alredy dumped u ha ha". So do that. honestly, I hope this person is making a joke, but even if this is a joke, it's not a good one. Link to post Share on other sites
ponchsox Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 You are much better off without someone who dumps via text. A few dates, fine. But after months together it's completely classless and disrespectful. It shows their true lack of character. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 It's not the best way to do it, but honestly, there's no real good way to dump someone. I've never heard of someone being happy with the way they were dumped. No one ever says "Well, you broke my heart and I'm devastated, but the way you dumped me was awesome!" There's no way to make a dumping good. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ponchsox Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 It's not the best way to do it, but honestly, there's no real good way to dump someone. I've never heard of someone being happy with the way they were dumped. No one ever says "Well, you broke my heart and I'm devastated, but the way you dumped me was awesome!" There's no way to make a dumping good. Would you quit a job over a text? Do you not owe them at least a phone call? It's never easy and I agree no matter how you do it, it's very hard. But a text is a big slap in the face and makes the dumpee feel like they were never respected in the first place. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 Would you quit a job over a text? Do you not owe them at least a phone call? It's never easy and I agree no matter how you do it, it's very hard. But a text is a big slap in the face and makes the dumpee feel like they were never respected in the first place. I'm not saying that I would break up with someone over text. I'm just saying the whole concept of a "proper breakup" is overblown because the dumpee doesn't appreciate it anyway (not that I'm saying they should). And comparing dumping to quitting a job isn't a proper analogy IMO -- I compare being dumped to being fired. I've been laid off by hearing a phone call and I've been fired by showing up to work only to find out that I wasn't on the schedule and having my boss tell me to my face. Both sucked and neither made me feel better than the other. Fired is fired. I certainly didn't respect the boss that fired me face to face more than the one that laid me off over the phone -- if anything, I was pissed that I had to come into work to get fired and have to do the walk of shame out the door. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 I'm not saying that I would break up with someone over text. I'm just saying the whole concept of a "proper breakup" is overblown because the dumpee doesn't appreciate it anyway (not that I'm saying they should). And comparing dumping to quitting a job isn't a proper analogy IMO -- I compare being dumped to being fired. I've been laid off by hearing a phone call and I've been fired by showing up to work only to find out that I wasn't on the schedule and having my boss tell me to my face. Both sucked and neither made me feel better than the other. Fired is fired. I certainly didn't respect the boss that fired me face to face more than the one that laid me off over the phone -- if anything, I was pissed that I had to come into work to get fired and have to do the walk of shame out the door. That sucks that you got fired but it's traditional to fire someone face to face. Not sure why, but until companies start to fire their employees via email or text, I think it's done in person for compliance reasons so the company doesn't get into trouble. But breaking up with someone electronically is just low. Technology is ruining people's manners. It gives them another platform to hide behind, to mistreat people. I think people have become more lazy with the use of cellphone technology. Texting someone "it's over sorry," is so lazy. I mean, pick up the phone and call the person if you can't face them. It's the right thing to do. No one in the history of breakups ever said being the dumper or dumpee is fun or easy. But I think the dumper has a responsibility to treat the dumpee with respect (even if that respect for the dumpee is totally feigned). Dignity? People deserve to leave a relationship with theirs intact. To destroy someone's dignity because you don't want the weight of the breakup on your shoulders is really callous. Really shallow. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 That sucks that you got fired but it's traditional to fire someone face to face. Not sure why, but until companies start to fire their employees via email or text, I think it's done in person for compliance reasons so the company doesn't get into trouble. But breaking up with someone electronically is just low. Technology is ruining people's manners. It gives them another platform to hide behind, to mistreat people. I think people have become more lazy with the use of cellphone technology. Texting someone "it's over sorry," is so lazy. I mean, pick up the phone and call the person if you can't face them. It's the right thing to do. No one in the history of breakups ever said being the dumper or dumpee is fun or easy. But I think the dumper has a responsibility to treat the dumpee with respect (even if that respect for the dumpee is totally feigned). Dignity? People deserve to leave a relationship with theirs intact. To destroy someone's dignity because you don't want the weight of the breakup on your shoulders is really callous. Really shallow. You're killing their dignity by dumping them in the first place. Is dumping someone over e-mail callous? Yes. Does it show good character? Not especially. Ultimately does it matter? Not really. The result is still the result. At the end of the day, you are heartbroken and everything else pales in comparison. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 You're killing their dignity by dumping them in the first place. Is dumping someone over e-mail callous? Yes. Does it show good character? Not especially. Ultimately does it matter? Not really. The result is still the result. At the end of the day, you are heartbroken and everything else pales in comparison. True, you are killing their dignity by dumping them in the first place But, to dump someone in such a classless way as via text or email, is just adding insult to injury. It's just not necessary. It's like, you've broken someone's nose with your punch and then you punch them again in their broken nose. Why? Their nose is already broken. You've already caused them pain. Why cause them more pain? That's just cruel. At the end of the day, you could lessen the dumpee's heartbreak by showing them some respect the way you end things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ponchsox Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 You're killing their dignity by dumping them in the first place. Is dumping someone over e-mail callous? Yes. Does it show good character? Not especially. Ultimately does it matter? Not really. The result is still the result. At the end of the day, you are heartbroken and everything else pales in comparison. I'm not one to speak, I broke up with a girl after 8 months via an email. I did it to write an explanation of why it wasn't working. We got back together for another year, only to get dumped by her. At least she called me. Still sucked, but a text would have been much worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 I'm not one to speak, I broke up with a girl after 8 months via an email. I did it to write an explanation of why it wasn't working. We got back together for another year, only to get dumped by her. At least she called me. Still sucked, but a text would have been much worse. Pretty much the same to me. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 I don't think it matters in the end. My ex dumped me to my face, but, at this point, it could have been a text for all I care. I actually might have preferred text or phone call, so he wouldn't have seen me cry. Anyway, I don't think it matters in the long run, but texting does make our communication lazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 True, you are killing their dignity by dumping them in the first place But, to dump someone in such a classless way as via text or email, is just adding insult to injury. It's just not necessary. It's like, you've broken someone's nose with your punch and then you punch them again in their broken nose. Why? Their nose is already broken. You've already caused them pain. Why cause them more pain? That's just cruel. At the end of the day, you could lessen the dumpee's heartbreak by showing them some respect the way you end things. It doesn't lessen their heartbreak at all though. If anything, it can make it worse if they try to cushion the fall with false platitudes such as "It's not you, it's me", "you are a great person and you'll find someone awesome someday" "you mean a lot to me and I cherished my time together". I would much rather they be "callous" than feed me lines of crap like that, which is what usually happens during a face-to-face dumping. Cushioning the fall adds more confusion and anguish. The other way to do it is to be extremely blunt and direct -- tell them everything you dislike about them and tell them that you want nothing to do with them. I don't see the dumpee finding that particularly respectful or dignified either. The situation just sucks no matter how it's done. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 It doesn't lessen their heartbreak at all though. If anything, it can make it worse if they try to cushion the fall with false platitudes such as "It's not you, it's me", "you are a great person and you'll find someone awesome someday" "you mean a lot to me and I cherished my time together". I would much rather they be "callous" than feed me lines of crap like that, which is what usually happens during a face-to-face dumping. Cushioning the fall adds more confusion and anguish. The other way to do it is to be extremely blunt and direct -- tell them everything you dislike about them and tell them that you want nothing to do with them. I don't see the dumpee finding that particularly respectful or dignified either. The situation just sucks no matter how it's done. This thread isn't debating whether or not breaking up is hard to do. No one wants to be dumped. No one likes to dump another person either. Well, maybe some do. That's for another thread, "what's the best/worst way that you've been dumped or dumped someone?" This thread is debating whether or not using technology is a decent way to end a relationship, based on the OP's experience of being dumped by his BPD girlfriend via text which made him feel discarded and horrible. I'm on the side that face to face is better, whether or not you're blunt or use platitudes to soften the blow to the dumpee's ego. Before cellphone and computer technology, people broke up the traditional way -- face to face. I think it's more humane to break up face to face. More human too. If I want to be dumped via text or IM, I'll date a robot. But since I only date human men I'd like them to respect me enough to tell me "sorry, it's over" to my face. Why are so many people against face to face breakups? I just don't get it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 It doesn't lessen their heartbreak at all though. If anything, it can make it worse if they try to cushion the fall with false platitudes such as "It's not you, it's me", "you are a great person and you'll find someone awesome someday" "you mean a lot to me and I cherished my time together". I would much rather they be "callous" than feed me lines of crap like that, which is what usually happens during a face-to-face dumping. Cushioning the fall adds more confusion and anguish. The other way to do it is to be extremely blunt and direct -- tell them everything you dislike about them and tell them that you want nothing to do with them. I don't see the dumpee finding that particularly respectful or dignified either. The situation just sucks no matter how it's done. I agree. There is no good way to dump someone. I just can't see myself looking back, years from now, and being grateful that my ex dumped me face to face. I can't see myself having any more respect for him than I would have if he had texted me. I just don't care anymore, and I want nothing more than to move on from him. My ex also gave me all of those platitudes about how I deserve someone who can give me what he can't, how I'm such an awesome person and I will find someone amazing someday, how I meant so much to him, and he will always love me in some way. That kind of BS confuses the situation more, and it's not like I care what he thinks of me now. He can hate me, love me, whatever. I don't care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 This thread isn't debating whether or not breaking up is hard to do. No one wants to be dumped. No one likes to dump another person either. Well, maybe some do. That's for another thread, "what's the best/worst way that you've been dumped or dumped someone?" This thread is debating whether or not using technology is a decent way to end a relationship, based on the OP's experience of being dumped by his BPD girlfriend via text which made him feel discarded and horrible. I'm on the side that face to face is better, whether or not you're blunt or use platitudes to soften the blow to the dumpee's ego. Before cellphone and computer technology, people broke up the traditional way -- face to face. I think it's more humane to break up face to face. More human too. If I want to be dumped via text or IM, I'll date a robot. But since I only date human men I'd like them to respect me enough to tell me "sorry, it's over" to my face. Why are so many people against face to face breakups? I just don't get it. I'm not against it -- I just think in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 (edited) I've dumped face to face. I've been dumped in a variety of ways -- the fade, face-to-face, over e-mail. I can't say that I appreciated one more than the other or hated one more than the other. I would almost rather someone just be awful to me when breaking up with me -- makes moving on a hell of a lot easier, at least for me. Edited June 21, 2014 by Simon Phoenix Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 (edited) I'm not against it -- I just think in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter. But why doesn't it matter in the grand scheme of things? Think of it this way. Do you want to have a 5 page email sent by your dumper that is one-sided and doesn't give you a chance to respond to? Or would you rather be involved in a two-way discussion with the dumper, which, believe it or not, can help you process the breakup much better than being on the receiving end of a one-sided text or email message? For me, it helps me to have that last conversation face to face, because it helps me process a relationships's end much better and gives me a chance to say what I need to say, in the moment, face to face. Real time conversation is just healthier than an electronic communication which is devoid of real compassion, kindness, or sympathy. Sure you can type words in a text or email to your dumpee that you think exude those humane qualities but you're fooling yourself. It's inhumane to dump someone using technology. It's cold. It's heartless. It's lazy. It's convenient. It's selfish. Edited June 21, 2014 by writergal Link to post Share on other sites
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 Respect and compassion for the other MATTERS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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