youaretheone Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I expressed my interest to a single, full-time employed mother, who lives a bit out of the city center and asked her out on a date last Monday. She said she needs to find someone to take care of her 3 year old son and it would be a bit difficult to make it with a short notice this week but she will do her best and let me know. She sounded really interested and glad that I asked her out. I said I understand and I will wait to hear from her. I also suggested an alternative date that I would be free. I did not hear from her about this since 5 days and the week is over. However, due to our proximity of the working places, I see her almost every day and we still exchange nice conversations and smiles, without any mentioning of our date. In the meanwhile, I sing as a hobby and have a big concert approaching soon so I thought I would invite her to my concert. Without mentioning the previous conversation, yesterday I told her it would be great if she could be there. She looked a bit stressed at that point and said it is too late for her, especially when her house is a bit far from the city and it is the same issue with her son. She again added that she will do her best and let me know. At that moment, I had this gut feeling that I might have appeared too demanding and needy after asking her this, especially before she got back to me about the previous date that I asked her out to. I am a very busy and independent person myself and have other potential love interests, but I guess the fact that I am seeing her everyday and not being able to have a private time with her on a date cracks my shell and makes me appear needy and think about her all the time. I realize this is not healthy and I should shift my focus on other things. That is why I decided to just pull back a little and let her come back to me about our open-ended date. As they say, "the ball is in her court now.". I never dated a single mother before and I slowly come to the realization that I will have to be more patient and less demanding with her, compared to dating women without a child. On the other hand, I would like to make the distinction between respecting her time and family and being dragged on when she really does not do her best to make time for me. I see potential with her but I do not want to waste my energy on someone who does not spend the effort. So at this point, I would really appreciate your advice on how to proceed. Any points and tips on making this type of distinction is greatly appreciated.
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 She is not interested and doesn't have the guts to tell you. Being a single mother does not justify being inconsiderate of your time. Five days with no communication concerning your invitation is indicative of her lack of interest. I bet you if you invited her to a quick lunch during work days she would find an excuse not to go. Finding a babysitter is a matter of making a couple of phone calls. It doesn't take days. My step daughter is a single mom of 4 with children ranging from 3 to 14 and that doesn't keep her from dating and having a social life. When you want to go out you find a babysitter even if you have to make 10 calls. 3
ThorntonMelon Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I also think just as a lesson for you (the above advice is correct), look at your post and really read it. I never dated a single mother before and I slowly come to the realization that I will have to be more patient and less demanding with her, compared to dating women without a child. On the other hand, I would like to make the distinction between respecting her time and family and being dragged on when she really does not do her best to make time for me. I see potential with her This quote is about a woman you have never even gone out with. Until your dating mindset is "It's her job to persuade me she's the best candidate for the position of being my girlfriend" as opposed to planning out your relationship with a woman you've never so much as dated, you're never going to have dating success. That being said, you obviously have very understanding and caring qualities, so when the time comes to demonstrate those, you would be a great fit for a single mom.
ponchsox Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I dated a single mom for 1.5 years. It was very challenging to say the least. 1. She lived an hour away 2. She often had to work 7 days a week (tax accountant) 3. Her ex husband got arrested a second time and lost his time with his son which was our Saturday date time gone. You will always come second to her child. I wouldn't respect a woman who didn't put their child first. However, I have to agree with the above posters. If she's into you, she doesn't go 5 days without communication. Dating single moms can lead to date cancellations because of kid problems, but you should still communicate like a normal couple would. 1
Author youaretheone Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 She is not interested and doesn't have the guts to tell you. Thank you for your reply. I got the different impression from her when I asked her out. It was just for a quick coffee after work. She eagerly added with a smile: "Let's do that, we can even grab a beer. But let's start with coffee first.". This quote is about a woman you have never even gone out with. Until your dating mindset is "It's her job to persuade me she's the best candidate for the position of being my girlfriend" as opposed to planning out your relationship with a woman you've never so much as dated, you're never going to have dating success. Thank you for the kind words. I totally agree with this mindset and that is what I am trying to embrace most of the time. Maybe that is also why I have been very selective since the last 1.5 years and did not have a LTR. Sometimes, I lose myself when I meet a woman who has good personal qualities and takes my feet off the ground. It takes time for me to come to my senses and think logically afterwards. However, I have to agree with the above posters. If she's into you, she doesn't go 5 days without communication. Dating single moms can lead to date cancellations because of kid problems, but you should still communicate like a normal couple would. Thanks for the advice. She did not go 5 days without communication. As I wrote in my post, we chit chat, flirt and smile at each other during the last 5 days when we come across in the same office building. We are not a couple yet, we haven't even gone on a date! Maybe it is a relevant information to add that she is out of town for holidays with her son the next week, starting tomorrow. That might also be another reason why she did not agree on anything for this week.
Omei Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I am a single mom and I find loads of time with my friends and dates if I make it happen, shouldn't take days she's not interested. Surely she has a system to free up her time by now. 2
GemmaUK Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Hmmm..really honestly I think if this trip is coming up her 'free time' will have been spent washing and ironing ready for her trip. I think that is why she hasn't done anything about a baby sitter. She works, has a little one, has more than just herself to look after..and also i is possible that her baby sitter (if she has a regular one) is busy doing other baby sitting. Or she may not even know of a good baby sitter as she may not have had a need for one lately. I would not be keen on a baby sitter I didn't know or who I didn't have good recommendations about. I am not even a Mum but if I had needed someone ever to look after my niece (as an example) it would not have been a fast process to find someone I trusted. Her trip is on her mind and she will be busy with that. She may well like you (it's hard to say) but there's lots of other things that could be a stopping point right now. In other words ...your busy life is a lot different to her busy life.
preraph Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I don't think you have appeared needy to her. I just think she's too broke to afford childcare OR doesn't feel comfortable having someone else watch her child. I know that seems odd to lots of people, including myself, but there are mothers who are too anxious to trust anyone else with their kid. I'm almost that bad with my dogs. You have not done anything wrong. It is hard to date people with kids. Usually they want to start bringing the kids everywhere with you right away even though this is horrible for the kids who may become attached to someone fleeting. If you stay with her, that's how it will always be. There will likely be very few breaks from the children. You have to decide if that's okay or not. The kids' schedules will always come before yours, and that's just a fact. Kids' schedules are very busy, too. Modern day mothers are virtual slaves to their children, with few exceptions. 1
carhill Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 OP, IME normal dating parameters apply. Dated plenty of single mothers, had relationships with a couple. They can be extraordinarily efficient when motivated. The key was gaining an understanding of their motivation or lack thereof and not attach significance to either, rather simply accept it and go with it. Since this is your first experience, accept it as that, one experience. IMO, all you needed to know here was this: "As I wrote in my post, we chit chat, flirt and smile at each other during the last 5 days when we come across in the same office building." She likes that you like her but has no substantive interest in any sort of a romantic encounter with you. She knows you from your interactions and has made that decision. Easy peasy. Move on. Plenty of other women in the office building, and elsewhere. The more women you chat up, the less inappropriately important any single one will be. Good luck.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I totally disagree as a single mum myself.. We have had enough hurt & with kids in the picture too it makes it even harder.. My take on the situation is this: She likes u She wants to take it further but she needs to be careful she has a child in the mix You (in her eyes) are out there infront of an audience (cue the groupies!) you are deemed higher risk than a plumber bloke She looked funny when u said it because the fear went through her of your concert & the attention u might get This is not insecurity but not wanting to put her child through any potential hurt.. She has to be 100% sure & in her eyes u have red flags not because of u but the situation u are in. I think if u both worked at let's say a supermarket then this could be perfect but your career is making her wobble & it would me too.. If I didn't have kids id take the gamble but the kids make all the difference x
jbelle6 Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 I dated a single mom for 1.5 years. It was very challenging to say the least. 1. She lived an hour away 2. She often had to work 7 days a week (tax accountant) 3. Her ex husband got arrested a second time and lost his time with his son which was our Saturday date time gone. You will always come second to her child. I wouldn't respect a woman who didn't put their child first. However, I have to agree with the above posters. If she's into you, she doesn't go 5 days without communication. Dating single moms can lead to date cancellations because of kid problems, but you should still communicate like a normal couple would. Hmmm, sounds like most of the problems had nothing to do with the child. Sounds like a regular hot mess. 1
jbelle6 Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Hey OP, I have a child as well, I don't have an issue having a social life. I wonder what her interest level really is? 1
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