james2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Well hello forum. Did not not know what section to post so choosing this one.. well where to begin?? after much googling I have discovered my wife is an extreme love avoidant and I guess I am a love addict? whether I was one or this made me one I don't know.. I will be as brief and to the point but give as much valid detail as pos. I will be honest and tell truth otherwise no point is there. Background my wife K is 34 yrs old. her father was murdered when she was 8. she had minimum contact with him. her mother had 5 children by at least 4 different men. only she knows who the true fathers are. K is eldest. was left to her to raise the 4 younger kids. when she was around 13 the mothers latest boyfriend started abusing her. resulting in a baby. k ran away from home in London to paternal relatives in Liverpool. we met when she was 17, I was 18. she was already a sex worker and abusing crack 24/7. I was abused by my eldest brother sexually from age 8, luckily he was kicked out and it stopped. my father was a violent drunk. mum a doormat and punch bag. the emotional bullying and mental abuse was far far worse than the physical. still haunts me today I tiptoe round the house so not to make noise.. always felt alone and invisible.. even more at school. so me and future wife met she 17 me 18. I had never took drugs before apart from odd spliff. alcohol from 12.. it was love at first sight for both of us.. she admitted that early on before I admitted to her. thinking back she displayed all the avoidant traits. I had, had one semi serious relationship b4 her and I was her first serious one. so after 4 yrs I walked away from the relationship as obviously by then i was taking crack too but preferred heroin. it was so confusion so hard when I knew she loved me so much she was the one. I later found out she was pregnant with our child but was raped by a punter who wanted revenge on her "friend" who had ripped him off.. or thats what she said... so few years later she showed up on my doorstep. basically she had come to get me back but as I had a girlfriend she thought I wasn't interested.. she even posted a letter professing her love and regret which my then girlfriend ripped up. I searched the area she was living in for months to no avail. didn't even like the girl I was with avoided her like the plague. so fast forward few years to 2009 I finally found K on internet through a missing persons Ad placed by her uncle! previous to this time I was addicted to work. minimum 100 weeks. had a fling with a married women (not proud at all and was first and last time) fell for the old can't get pregnant trap. so did "right thing" and stood by her. so found her on internet we chatted by phone ect. I thought (lol) after all this time drugs would be behind her. nope. I said prepared to give it a go if she stops drugs and sex work. her choice. she agreed stopped it all and went on methadone as by now she was on heroin as well as crack. within 3 months we were married kids followed.. but from early on approx 4 months after reuniting she started using again. so now. kids taken away countless houses lost. both homeless me been sectioned to a physchiatric unit twice in 7 weeks admission number 9 in 10 yes. diagnosed with emotional unstable personality disorder. taking crack and heroin daily with her when she is around (very little last week) finally she admitted after 2years shee needed back on a methadone script. helped her made the appointment gave her clear options of going alone or with me. yes at times I have been a needy clingy mess.. but when someone steals your heart and answers your dreams then acts out and completely does an about face and becomes a different person whats gonna happen.. 5 weeks ago she came to visit me in hospital a rare thing!! I ended it (as a test to see longer term reaction) I later found out she spent 4 weeks in bed didn't eat took only minimum drugs needed.. then during me sleepng rough she asked me to move into her "friends" with me. she broke down said she needs me ect. within weeks she is worse than ever. funny thing is when she comes back she always brings little gifts like one time my headphones broke so without me hinting or asking she procured me some new (to me) ones. i NEVER ask her for money or drugs yes I accept them if offered which is her doing. when I get paid she recieves half.. 50 50 all the way straight down the middle.. so I always knew something was not right with with her. after much googling I finds love avoidant.. it was like all the answers at last.. right I am loosing concentration now. I know life for us will never be perfect. I don't wish to change her or save her. I don't expect her to be at my side 24/7 I don't expect her to show her love to me as i do. i don't smother her. we still write love letters she wants to holdhands when out. others say we are both like love sick teenagers lol. we both become homless cos she got drugs on credit and disapeared. but last month we have reconnected and she has started communicating and working as a team. but.the lies are destroying my already fragile mental health. head says run fast heart says stick it out, just sort this latest mess out.. i find content and warmth in thinking screw it and take as many people on my mental **** list with me before i go. not eating sleeping lost a stone in weight in two weeks. paranoid depressed suicidal gone beyond the edge my key worker says i am cold behind the eyes as she cried as she said cannot help me. please help. my life and mental state are... and hers is worse what do i do. whilst in hospital i did an alcohol and methadone detox succesufully but relapsed on drugs but not drank in in 4 or 5 weeks. this is so hard and scary thing is i dont think its rock bottom.. death maybe?
Itspointless Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Oh my, what a story. Are you sure she is 'just' avoidant? It sounds more like a much more serious and unhealthy pattern see: Disorganized Attachment It does sound though that you are more clinging and the “anxious-avoidant trap" could be something you recognize yourself in. Reading this I believe that the connection between you two is strong, but in all honesty perhaps you should choose for your children and a possibility to be with them instead of your love for her? The children are not only the future but as I read it perhaps your possibility for a future for you?
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