Supernova31 Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 (edited) Hi I currently separated from my wife and going into the process of a divorce, it was a mutual decision as the love for each other disappeared and we both just want to get on with our separate lives. As time went along I realised how much she was holding me back and I'm the happiest now than I been in years, I decided to get out there and meet new people so I signed up to this dating site. I eventually got a message from this woman and we got on like a house on fire ,anyways after a few days of talking we decided to meet as she really wanted to , a day after that she messaged me saying she just read my profile (after days of talking and flirting) and realised I was separated as I clearly stated on my profile in the beginning, so I told her look if you want to call it quits we can do and she was like no I still really want to meet and get to know you better, anyways last Saturday was the day we were suppose to meet and she messaged me saying "sorry was talking to my friend and I can't be with someone who is married and had that sort of history with someone else your a nice guy and I'm sure you'll meet someone soon". She doesn't know my history, I have no kids, no mortgage, no joint commitments what so ever, it's just a matter of the divorce going through , it's just a bit of a kick in the teeth as if I had my status to single which I have now she probably would of gave me a chance once she got to know me, I mean I wasn't asking her to sign a legally binding contract or to marry me, All I asked is for a drink then if she still wasn't sure then call it quiits, I know it's an off putter to be with someone who is separated and mabe she has other reasons, but I do really like this woman and yes I know there are plenty of women out there, she's hasn't contacted me since. I know she likes me but I don't know if I should contact her or just leave it alone. Sorry about the long essay just had to get it off my chest. Edited June 21, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Potz4prez Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Well, she did you a favor. What if you actually started dating someone so immature, and only found out later 0.0
SadNLonley Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 sorry was talking to my friend and I can't be with someone who is married and had that sort of history with someone else Wow, she is looking for someone who has never had history with someone else? She is going to be waiting awhile I think. 6
iris219 Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 she messaged me saying "sorry was talking to my friend and I can't be with someone who is married and had that sort of history with someone else your a nice guy and I'm sure you'll meet someone soon" she doesn't know my history, I have no kids, no mortgage, no joint commitments what so ever, it's just a matter of the divorce going through Like you say, she doesn't know your situation. Many people avoid people who are separated because what does that really mean? It could mean you're taking a break and will reconcile with your spouse; it could mean you're not over the dissolution of your marriage and not ready to date. It's risky dated a separated person. With this girl, however, it sounds like the fact that you've been married is the problem for her, so being divorced wouldn't have made a difference. Also, if you've filed and you're just waiting on the divorce to go through, that shouldn't take long, 30 days where I live (after a year separation). You could consider waiting until the divorce is final to date or be sure to explain that the papers have been filed. 2
phineas Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 My separation took forever and was less than civil. I couldn't blame any woman who didn't want to date me and now I also avoid women separated. My experience is people come up with the most outrageous reasons for not dating someone instead of just telling the person they aren't interested. She could of been serious or she could of been full of crap. Either way all that matters is she isn't into you so I'd try to forget her. 2
veggirl Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 It sounds like she doesn't want to date someone who is only separated (understandable) and also doesn't want to date someone who has ever been married? How old is she? Most healthy women don't want to date a guy who is technically still married. As for not wanting to date a guy who has been married, well I'm with her on that too tbh. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I dated a guy during his separation. Although he was getting a divorce, it took me a long time to get over feeling like the OW even though he & his EX hadn't been living together for some time before I entered the picture. Anyway, as the divorce process dragged out -- with all the emotional upheavals that accompany the ending of an era -- I resented the fact that I was on this freaking roller coaster with him: every adjournment, every failed attempt to hash out a PSA. . . I got annoyed that even though I had never been married I had to deal with all of this because it was effecting my BF who in turn shared it with me. This isn't a morals judgment but if I were ever single again, I wouldn't date a guy until the i's were dotted, the t's crossed & the ink was dry on the divorce. If your post clearly identified you as separated, she never should have started up with you if she didn't want to deal. She probably was OK with it until a friend (like me) buzzed in her ear & convinced her of the bad stuff with dating a separated but not divorced guy. However, if she's so easily swayed by friends, she wasn't a good prospect anyway. 1
Tayla Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Legally-A formal dissolution is required to be considered "single status", in the eyes of the courts you are still married. The Lady's decision to step back and reevaluate is a wise one. Most persons will stay out of the arena of rebound zone. Can you possibly re-invent yourself ? Maybe take a break from dating while the legal process meets its term? You owe it to yourself to heal and re- adjust. 4
Hope Shimmers Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Spoken as a single woman who became involved with a man who was legally separated and filing for divorce, it is not always "just a matter of the divorce going through". In my case, MANY MANY years later I finally managed to extricate myself from the situation because now he's back with his wife. So much for the divorce. Never, ever again will I date a man who is separated. 3
KathyM Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 A lot of women are not interested in dating a separated guy because they think he is not emotionally ready to get into another relationship. He may decide to try to reconcile with his wife, as a lot of separated couples do, or the divorce process may be a serious emotional toll on him that could make it difficult to be in a relationship with him. Or a person may consider the guy still married (which he is), and for that reason not want to get involved. Some people don't want to date a divorced person either because of the baggage that comes with a divorce, or because they think if his marriage failed, he would not be a good risk for a long term partner. All of those reasons have validity. If the woman is young (20s or early 30s), there are usually plenty of single (never married) men to choose from, and they'd rather date someone who is unencumbered like they are. 2
SadNLonley Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 When i was going through my divorce i went to Match and setup a profile as being separated. I really only looked for guys that had that status. I found my bf there. 3 years in a relationship (now over). It was nice for me to have someone to talk to that knew exactly what I was going through. We became best of friends very quickly. As a divorcee now, i would not contact someone who had the status of being separated. There are issues to still be resolved either with emotions or legalities. Too many reasons to get hooked on someone to then have to end it because they cant handle dating or the ex causes issues,etc. Sorry I know thats probably not what you want to hear. Looked at any separated women online yet?
GemmaUK Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I met someone at an OLD event who said he was divorced. She lived in France with their kids. Three weeks after meeting him he said that his wife knew about me and wanted to cite me in the divorce. I had met him only two times. He was separated and going through his divorce. He lied to me. Not only that but after three weeks why on earth would I be cited??! I never saw him again. I refuse to get involved with men who are separated no matter what their situation is. I don't want to put myself in a position of possible (known) drama. Drama isn't my thing. 1
Author Supernova31 Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 When i was going through my divorce i went to Match and setup a profile as being separated. I really only looked for guys that had that status. I found my bf there. 3 years in a relationship (now over). It was nice for me to have someone to talk to that knew exactly what I was going through. We became best of friends very quickly. As a divorcee now, i would not contact someone who had the status of being separated. There are issues to still be resolved either with emotions or legalities. Too many reasons to get hooked on someone to then have to end it because they cant handle dating or the ex causes issues,etc. Sorry I know thats probably not what you want to hear. Looked at any separated women online yet? That's a fair statement and I welcome all comments, it's just for me personally I think everyone's different and everyone's situation is different, but not everyone thinks that way and I totally respect that, just a little annoyed that she was the one who contacted me without reading my profile properly,and I actually liked her personality and we had a lot in common but there's nothing I can do about it I guess but move on. 2
carhill Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 OP, here's a thread I penned around four years ago on this topic. Over the years I've found the opinions to remain relatively static on the topic. I did date while separated and no doubt was passed over plenty of times due to my 'status' and came to see it as part of the process. I stopped dating while separated and never went back to it. Other things in life to do. No regrets. IMO, I see such 'rejections' the same way as for any other preference, whether that be physical, psychological, social or monetary. People like what they like and don't like what they don't like and sometimes a separated person is not liked. That's how it goes!
HappyLove Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 And change your status back to separated because you are NOT single. You are lying now and nobody wants to date a liar either! Better yet take some time for yourself while you're going through this divorce why are you dating so fast? How long were you married? 5
TXGuy Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Separated means still married. That is not changed by the fact that she missed that on your dating profile. The fact that you are blaming her for this is a little disturbing. But, assuming that was just a harmless vent I would suggest the following: Wait until you are officially divorced, then give her a call to see if she is then intersted..
Smilecharmer Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 You are married. Why would you date? You aren't even out of a divorce and if you are divorcing, you have a lot to work through even if it was the most amicable relationship in the world. You need to figure out what to do to make sure divorce doesn't happen again and to figure stuff out. I think she was right though she should have read your profile better...almost every thread in OW/OM says that the poster thought he or she was divorced but they weren't....and when pressed said they were separated due to finances, kids, etc. only an idiot would knowingly date a separated person if they want a LTR. 1
Author Supernova31 Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 (edited) Separated means still married. That is not changed by the fact that she missed that on your dating profile. The fact that you are blaming her for this is a little disturbing. But, assuming that was just a harmless vent I would suggest the following: Wait until you are officially divorced, then give her a call to see if she is then intersted.. I'm not blaming her at all just wish people were more straight I suggested to call it quits to make things easy for her and she was happy to carry on until the last minuite for anybody wanted to know iv been seperated for over a year so this ain't a rebound or anything like that,everyone's entitled to their opinion and my opinion is I'm single I don't see why I have to wait for a few papers coming through the post (which is very soon) already wasted 8 years of my life Edited June 21, 2014 by Supernova31
GemmaUK Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I'm not blaming her at all just wish people were more straight I suggested to call it quits to make things easy for her and she was happy to carry on until the last minuite for anybody wanted to know iv been seperated for over a year so this ain't a rebound or anything like that,everyone's entitled to their opinion and my opinion is I'm single I don't see why I have to wait for a few papers coming through the post (which is very soon) already wasted 8 years of my life 'I'm not blaming her at all' - which is adult, taking responsibility and sensible. 'just wish people were more straight' - she was straight she said she didn't read your profile 'everyone's entitled to their opinion' - yes 'my opinion is I'm single I don't see why I have to wait for a few papers coming through the post' - but obviously (per your post above) you realise why some would not be interested in dating you just now until all is legal. So, in the scheme of things this doesn't really matter. It was just one of those things and there's no reason to have an issue with it. Maybe next time you plan to meet just make sure they have read your profile. I always check that they have. Usually though they haven't!
HappyLove Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I'm not blaming her at all just wish people were more straight I suggested to call it quits to make things easy for her and she was happy to carry on until the last minuite for anybody wanted to know iv been seperated for over a year so this ain't a rebound or anything like that,everyone's entitled to their opinion and my opinion is I'm single I don't see why I have to wait for a few papers coming through the post (which is very soon) already wasted 8 years of my life Interesting how you want people to be straight yet you post as single while going through a divorce. It's never a good thing to start a relationship with a lie. You could meet a fantastic woman who will be furious with you once she finds out you're still married. Even if you figure well I'll let her know on the first date. As a woman that is a HUGE red flag that a man would deceive you let you believe he is single then inform you later that he isn't. Let's say you never tell this potential woman and the divorce goes through a month after you meet her. Three years later she figures out this huge lie. She will look at you very differently and something this simple could threaten a great relationship. There was a post here of the same where a woman was led on that her soon to be husband lied to her and in her culture because he wasn't divorced when they first started dating, and she is considered the OW and a disgrace to her family. Do what you will.
Author Supernova31 Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 Interesting how you want people to be straight yet you post as single while going through a divorce. It's never a good thing to start a relationship with a lie. You could meet a fantastic woman who will be furious with you once she finds out you're still married. Even if you figure well I'll let her know on the first date. As a woman that is a HUGE red flag that a man would deceive you let you believe he is single then inform you later that he isn't. Let's say you never tell this potential woman and the divorce goes through a month after you meet her. Three years later she figures out this huge lie. She will look at you very differently and something this simple could threaten a great relationship. There was a post here of the same where a woman was led on that her soon to be husband lied to her and in her culture because he wasn't divorced when they first started dating, and she is considered the OW and a disgrace to her family. Do what you will. Personally I don't think I'm lieing as by the time a person if any knows me well enough this divorce will be behind me, if anybody has a problem with me playing cards closer to my chest and I diddnt tell them my whole life's history from the get go it's their problem, and they will do what they feel is right and accept me or they don't and I can't control that I can't only control what I do, like I said everyone is entitled to their opinion and I respect that, I just don't feel I have to justify myself to anyone, iv obviously ruffled a few feathers on here which wasn't my intention so on that note I'm going to leave it as that. Thank you all for your input
HappyLove Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Just because you don't get the answers you want to hear doesn't mean that feathers are ruffled. Believe it or not opposing opinions are being told to help you out so you don't end up screwing up a relationship. Many here have been where you are and made mistakes and are wiser from it. You're taking your ball and going home which is fine. Good luck.
GoreSP Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Well, she did you a favor. What if you actually started dating someone so immature, and only found out later 0.0 I disagree. If this was her posting about this guy she just met who is going through a divorce, a bunch of us would be telling her to not get involved with him. Can't blame her for fearing he is emotionally unavailable.
iris219 Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Do you understand why someone wouldn't want to date a separated man? I understand why and I'm someone who started dating my now FI while he was separated. It was a time of uncertainty for me, even though he assured me that the marriage had been over for both of them for a very long time. According to him, neither he nor his ex was mourning the loss of the marriage. Both just wanted to move on. I stuck around long enough to realize that he was indeed telling the truth. Some people aren't so lucky to find someone who is telling the truth. Many women wouldn't have stuck around because of the principal of the matter. Technically, you are married. Even if you haven't slept with or lived with your ex in a long time, the fact that you are still married will make many women uncomfortable. My FI didn't even know where his wedding band was. He had taken if off a year before they separated and they had lived like roommates for years before that. Still, I was uncomfortable with that fact that he was married, even after I was certain there was no chance of reconciliation. Even though my situation was about as perfect as you can get with a separated man, it still felt weird. There is no way I would have chosen my partner if I found him on OLD. I understand your frustration, especially if you live somewhere like I do which requires a year separation before filing. I know this time sucked for my FI. He felt like he was being punished for making a mistake when he was very young and it felt unfair to him, like I imagine it does for you. You should try to understand the situation from the woman's perspective.
FitChick Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Add me to the list of women who won't date a separated man or even one who has been divorced if it's been less than two or three years. I want to get married and the last thing on their list is marriage. I learned the hard way never to mention that up front. I give them enough rope to hang themselves!
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