Lovedog Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Hello, here 's my story briefly. I am a guy in a longterm relationship with a lady, over 10 years but I never fully committed, moved in settled down etc. I wont drag over all the reasons but there was no dramatic end or anything. Bottom line is she eventually called a halt after years of saying I was her soulmate etc etc. She went no contact, of course the desired affect happened, it broke my heart and I woke up to what I lost and said ok I got it wrong lets make it happen. The barriers stayed up though, it ended relatively amicably and she has never retracted on me being the love of her life but she just says she can't go back now, it was too painful etc. Literally everything flipped overnight. In what limited contact we now have, occasional email basically, have just tried not to get desperate and pathetic and kept my dignity saying how much I loved her and how I got it wrong. Turns out now she has another guy, in fact met him very shortly after we ended. Even that I just tried to keep my pride and said best if luck to her etc ( of course i dont mean it)! I am four months in now since it ended, bit desperate really, I think I have to just move on but I figure she has a rebound relationship here and will maybe want me back sometime. I actually just cant get her out of my head 24/7, its driving me slightly mad, literally I think! I just dont understand the mind of a woman, how she can love me one day and suddenly seemingly overnight she calls a halt and its forever non negotiable. My fault I know but I just wondered if anybody in here can enlighten me. Will the rebound trip over and maybe she wants me back. From what I hear though its going great guns so Im not even hopeful of that. I guess id better just move on. Any advice out there? Thanks to snybody listening,
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I had a relationship similar to yours. I can't speak for her, but in the last 5 years, as much as I loved him, every day when he didn't ask me to marry him broke another little piece of my heart. After a while there was nothing left & I ended the relationship. He chased me for a while saying all the right things but by then I was too angry & hurt to hear him. I got a new BF relatively quickly after the official end of my relationship but the reality was it had been over for a long time before I pulled the plug. 3
Moveforward Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Very similar situation including time in relationship, and time since BU. I did the same thing in keeping my dignity, she took everything else, good job! My advice: Do what your doing by going here for the right advice, read books on break-up's and loss, and the science behind it. Try to take the emotion out of it. Treat it like a math problem. Your heart and emotions screw it all up. Use your head and keep it logical. You must plant the seed in your mind by keep telling yourself that it is over and you must move on. The seed wont start to sprout for a while but it will. My GF also "found" someone shortly, BS they had them during the end of the relationship. Mine also turned over night, again BS. They were hiding and faking their emoticons until they were ready to make the move. I was blind to it, but as time goes by you'll start to see the pieces and start putting the puzzle together. As far as taking her for "granted", probably not. Maybe you settled for less like me, became complacent, and less ended up screwing you over. Good, hard lesson for the future. Let her go in you head, and your heart will follow eventually. It's hard as heck I know, and a constant battle, but there is a rich full life beyond our old gals. Forget about the rebound. Don't play second fiddle to anyone, and she's damaged goods now anyway, so don't take her back, or they'll do it again. They always do. Your much better then that! Morn the loss, work on you, and move forward. Life is short and we'll be dead before you know it, so let's not spend our short time on these nitwits any longer than we have to. Good luck my friend!
Moveforward Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Great point d0nnivain. In all fairness that's what probably happened with mine too, but she wasn't right for me. I should have broke it off, but grew content, and we became great friends. I don't like the cheating bit, but I do own my share of the cause. The break-up was probably best for all of us. Still hurts a lot though, but probably more my ego, and loneliness more than anything. 1
ponchsox Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Lovedog, I went through something similar. At first, I kept asking myself how could this be? I was so blind sided! I never saw it coming. Several months have passed since she left me and I've had time to reflect on the relationship without emotion. 1. Although it appears sudden, women usually check themselves out of a relationship long before the breakup. They do this out of selfishness and keep you as an "option" unless their new option falls through. 2. There were warning signs or red flags along the way. We chose to ignore ot deny them and stuck through it. 3. Women are very good at finding a reason to officially end it (petty as it may be) and actually convince themselves they did the right thing. 4. No closure is closure. It's over, move on. 5, NC is the best policy! Let them think about what they messed up. Don't give them the satisfaction or ego boost that you still care about them. 1
LostConfused123 Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Sometimes as much as we love someone, it hurts more to hold on then let go. At least that's my case. He had my unconditional love for so long and didn't care. Why does he so desperately want it now?? It hurts.
edgygirl Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I understand the mind of a woman... If a man (and many men are like that these days) doesn't fully commit after TEN years together, she goes away to find a man who will respect and cherish her as a woman and give her the respect she deserves!!! Sorry. I hope many men read this and learn their lesson and to recognize what they have in their hands 1
Elle1975 Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I just dont understand the mind of a woman, how she can love me one day and suddenly seemingly overnight she calls a halt and its forever non negotiable. Well, you said over 10 years but I never fully committed, moved in settled down etc. That's why she called it. Nothing to do with her gender. She did not change her mind over night. My guess is that she was hoping you'd change your mind, she waited.. and finally couldn't wait any longer. This one is on you. This new man might be a rebound, or might be that he gave her the feeling that he'd commit, he'd move in, and he'd settle down with her. I have never had a rebound. When it's over I am in pain, and then I move on happier than ever. My only advice is to stop checking up on her that way. Move on. If you feel you're ready to commit to someone, find the right woman. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I totally understand her. When a man won't commit fully we women tend to be patient and make excuses but in reality our feelings die a little each day. I also know that once my feelings are gone, they are gone for good. The man can propose right then and there and I won't care. Let this be a lesson for next time. 5
JDPT Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Feelings don't just come and go we all process them at different rates. Clearly, if there was a on/off switch it would make this process much easier. And with regards to closure, there is no such thing, it's a myth. This is something that you independently need to find. You need to come to terms with what occur and internalize the fact that it's time to move forward with this life, as you remain, as you are the only one that matters from this point forward in your life.
Author Lovedog Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 Thanks to those that have replied to my original post. I am touched by some of the responses and really do appreciate you making the effort. In reply individually: Donnivain. That does explain a ladies mind somewhat. Yes my fault, but as I say us guys maybe don't see the warning signs. The ladies possibly play their cards a little closer so we get surprised. Its the no right of appeal thing that shocks. We can change though, we can learn. Moveforward. Good advice, I do need to move on, deep down I know it. Its just that switch from soulmate to nomate overnight after so long that makes that hard to believe. Yes, you are probably right, work was probably already being done behind the scenes to jettison me. Perhaps I deserved it. Iwouldnt have done that to her though, would have been more open. Edgy girl. You are a little scarey:). Its love isnt it. Why teach us lessons and walk away as we learn them.. Ponchsox. Good advice again, no point in being a sadarse, we have to move on and be strong. God its hard though! Lostconfused. He wants your love now because he goofed. We none of us are perfect, give him a second chance:) eh.. Eternal sunshine. Your views echo some of the other ladies replies. Its about teaching the guys a (maybe pointless lesson) again. Im learning. Elle 1975. Again the ladies replies match up, I understand. Its sinking in. Thank you. Jdpt. Thanks for your good heartfelt advice. It is appreciated and i will try and do what you say.
Elle1975 Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Regardless of the reasons, break ups aren't easy. I hope you will feel ready to commit in the future.
Maverick1983 Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I think it's a little harsh on the op as far as the commitment issue is concerned. Some people consider commitment in different ways. The ultimate commitment is being with a person and giving your life to them and the reverse everything else is something society tells us we have to do to be happy. I however am getting married next year but I chose to do so and I chose to buy a house with my fiancée as that was my idea of happiness. I was in an 8 year relationship previously that ended amicably but painfully and I like the op didn't perhaps commit the way I should have but if someone can't see through your faults or misjudgements they aren't right for you in the first place. There is also the issue of why you didn't commit to living together etc and that is maybe because deep down you didn't want to. When we break up with someone we tend to think to ourselves, I should have done this or that but realistically if we didn't do the right things before with a certain person history would repeat itself again with that same person eventually if you reunite. You feel this way most likely because she has found someone else and you haven't. That's natural we've all been there and don't forget it's easier for a woman to find a guy than the reverse,no offence intended ladies but it's the truth as a man usually shows his hurt more so than a woman or maybe us men are just more gullible To cut a long story short mate I think you should go out and work on yourself. You will never recover if you focus on what she's doing and to be fair you don't know whether she's happy or not and you shouldn't be concerned about that either. Good luck and remember to learn from this ordeal I had to also and it helped me
Griesfootball Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 I think it takes a few years to actually fully know someone but 10 years is very long but is there a reason why you didn't show commitment? And I think women want commitment because they are scared of having to start all over so they leave and start over sooner
Author Lovedog Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 Maverick and griesfootball I think you are hitting alot of nails on the head there and thanks for the advice. I have thought alot since the split Maverick about the sort of stuff you point out. Why didn't I jump in 100percent when I had the chance for so long etc. The trouble is that your mind plays cruel games with you and now we are apart and all options are gone you end up remembering all the really good bits and idealising everything. I dont know if thats just me or whether everybody is the same. Maybe its a male thing? I have to make a real effort to recall the things that were there that weren't so great, as they are in every relationship, but they soon pop out of my head to be replaced by happy memories of holidays etc. Like I say is this same for everybody or just a male thing? I cant imagine my ex is also sitting there daydreaming of all our good times. In fact the little contact we have has had since the end always has her pointing out what she considerd the not so good stuff from her perspective(mainly my non commitment). 1
Maverick1983 Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Maverick and griesfootball I think you are hitting alot of nails on the head there and thanks for the advice. I have thought alot since the split Maverick about the sort of stuff you point out. Why didn't I jump in 100percent when I had the chance for so long etc. The trouble is that your mind plays cruel games with you and now we are apart and all options are gone you end up remembering all the really good bits and idealising everything. I dont know if thats just me or whether everybody is the same. Maybe its a male thing? I have to make a real effort to recall the things that were there that weren't so great, as they are in every relationship, but they soon pop out of my head to be replaced by happy memories of holidays etc. Like I say is this same for everybody or just a male thing? I cant imagine my ex is also sitting there daydreaming of all our good times. In fact the little contact we have has had since the end always has her pointing out what she considerd the not so good stuff from her perspective(mainly my non commitment). This feeling you are experiencing is rejection, a feeling I once felt before and to feel like someone who's been part of your life for so long wants nothing more to do with you is hard, it often turns us on ourselves. We start doubting ourselves and blaming ourselves for everything and sometimes so much so that we idolise the other person to an extent that makes them appear better then what they actually are. She is doing the opposite she is pretending that she has moved on by hooking up with someone straight away and the most likely outcome for that scenario is that she is using another guy to avoid dealing with the fact she is hurting after the break up. It's a classic scenario after a break up and a very common scenario. 1 person is alone and has to deal with the anxiety it brings while the other gets with someone else straight away as the feeling of being alone is terrifying for them. I feel as though if you work on yourself and gradually begin to let go of the perhaps, false perception you have of her right now, you will find closure before she does. People who dive straight into another relationship straight after the last one tend to have little success. There are obviously a few occasions but it's rarer than you think. She's only appearing happy to you in the little contact you've had with her because she has the safety net that is this new person but there will come a time she will have to deal with your break up and hopefully you'll have found someone else by then. Believe it or not you are in the better position as you are alone to deal with your feelings while she is trying to use someone else to do that for her. Good luck 1
Sugarkane Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Its not just women that do this! I've had men do it too. Lovedog, I went through something similar. At first, I kept asking myself how could this be? I was so blind sided! I never saw it coming. Several months have passed since she left me and I've had time to reflect on the relationship without emotion. 1. Although it appears sudden, women usually check themselves out of a relationship long before the breakup. They do this out of selfishness and keep you as an "option" unless their new option falls through. 2. There were warning signs or red flags along the way. We chose to ignore ot deny them and stuck through it. 3. Women are very good at finding a reason to officially end it (petty as it may be) and actually convince themselves they did the right thing. 4. No closure is closure. It's over, move on. 5, NC is the best policy! Let them think about what they messed up. Don't give them the satisfaction or ego boost that you still care about them.
Author Lovedog Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 Maverick, you are out there in the airwaves somewhere so we'll never meet mate, but you are a good bloke. I really appreciate the advice and the positive thoughts. Thanks
April Moon Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Its not just women that do this! I've had men do it too. Exactly! I think the case was with this relationship is that she felt like if after 10 years years she would never get that ultimate commitment. For some women (me included), it's not enough to be committed in spirit. For me personally, I would always question why doesn't he love me enough to get married. I think I would move on after 5 years. OP, did your ex ever tell you she wanted marriage or anything of the sort?
Author Lovedog Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 [quote=April Moon;5766302 OP, did your ex ever tell you she wanted marriage or anything of the sort? Yes absolutely she did very directly and Im totally to blame in that regard. In a few posts its not possible to explain the whole complicated story though and all the various things that held me back. My post though has never been about that, it has been about the sudden, literally overnight change from that position to one of indifference and it doesnt matter anymore. It was that which so shocked me. Many replies and insights I have received on this forum have enlightened me alot though and have been a great help in clarifying things for me about her position and maybe myself too. I had my chances, it wasnt to be and deep down although its easy to lose sight of it now maybe I didnt want it to be? I need to fully move on basically.
April Moon Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Yes absolutely she did very directly and Im totally to blame in that regard. In a few posts its not possible to explain the whole complicated story though and all the various things that held me back. My post though has never been about that, it has been about the sudden, literally overnight change from that position to one of indifference and it doesnt matter anymore. It was that which so shocked me. Many replies and insights I have received on this forum have enlightened me alot though and have been a great help in clarifying things for me about her position and maybe myself too. I had my chances, it wasnt to be and deep down although its easy to lose sight of it now maybe I didnt want it to be? I need to fully move on basically. I know you don't think that question is what this post is about but it really is. For you it was sudden and overnight change, but for her this was a long time coming. Her commitment to you was chipped every day you didn't commit to a marriage. She wanted you to want that commitment with her. I'm sure by the last year she had probably been long gone. I'm not sure if I'm explains this right but I get where she is coming from in a sense. Honestly, I don't think she is the one for you since you wouldn't commit (I'm not saying marriage is for everyone). Ultimately, there was something holding you back from her all this time. I'm sorry for your pain. I hope I was able to give perspective. 1
Author Lovedog Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 You did give perspective April Moon and you are right I have no doubt. Posting on this forum has been very useful for me, thanks. 1
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