irtech Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Hello, I'm a 39 year old man. It's about 3 years that I live with my GF who is 34. I really don't know how I should continue this relationship. Let me tell you a bit of background so you can judge better. First of all characteristically I'm a very science loving man. I have a master degree and after university I started a company empty handed( a one man company) that's about 8-9 years ago. at those times or even before I never felt that I need to marry. I was extremely happy and proud of my achievements and loved to learn more and make new things. About 6 years ago first I met my GF. I hired her as an employee and we had very normal working relationship. she had a very hard life and was living in a dorm because she couldn't afford a flat and used to give most of her income to her family. After about a year we had a payment dispute and she left(I didn't fire her) and also she sued me in a court for more payment. that really made me mad because I gave her all that I had promised in the first place and we had agreed upon in the beginning but she wanted more. anyway after a year that she left, she noticed that I was a lot better toward her than other employers she experienced afterward. I used to teach her new skills that she couldn't learn elsewhere. so she called me and apologized for what she did and asked me to come back. first I had absolutely no trust on her because of what she did.Then I thought everyone deserves a second chance so I forgave her and she came back. first year she came back as a part time employee and we started to get more close and intimate and we had sex(not full sex because she wants to remain virgin till marriage) and after about a year she actually moved to my flat and lived with me. As I said in first year I absolutely had no trust on her and was afraid that maybe she has other agendas but as time passed she gained my almost full trust. But the problem started that she became increasingly dependent on me. she was an extremely sad girl and even first I thought she may have some suicidal thoughts. She is still on the whole sad but much much better than before and I feel( as she always says herself) that she is happy as long as she is with me. now she is very dependent on me and her biggest nightmare is that someday I leave her. I think she can physically take care of herself but emotionally I'm not sure. I'm not sure her feeling is love or dependence. I know she cares about me a lot. she really cares about my health and me eating healthy food and she cares about my worries. she cooks me very delicious foods that is prepared with so much care and it is hard find somewhere else(she says her cooking is so good because she cooks with love) maybe because she is dependent on me and fears to lose me or maybe as she says because she really loves me but I'm not sure. About my feelings, well as I said, first I absolutely had no trust on her. While I had been in love with other girls before(I think those girls that I loved never loved me really) but at first I just wanted to be physically more close to a girl. first I liked her but never loved her. as time passed I noticed that I kiss her a lot (sometime maybe 50 kisses a day) and also sometimes I whisper her name without knowing that I'm doing that. but if I ask myself do I love her I say probably not. what I can say definitely is that I definitely do not admire her(from admire I mean she makes me want to be a better person). I just care about her somehow ; mostly because I think she is in need. She is very different from my ideal girl. On the other side It is very hard for me to let her go because I know it will badly crush her emotions. sometimes I think I should sacrifice my dreams and stay with her. sometimes I think if I do this then in ten years the marriage can end up in disaster. sometimes I think probably I will never find a girl that wants me so much(either because she loves me or she is dependent on me). sometimes I think if I don't have a wife that can admire her, probably my life will become very boring and my marriage may end up badly. The fact is after she moved to my flat we never had a fight or even a serious argument. Sometimes I wake up in the 4AM while she is lying beside me and I feel extremely lonely. Maybe because there is something inside me that prevents to get too close(emotionally) to her. I really want o marry sooner and have kids. I know I had to think about it sooner but at those times I never felt lonely,I was extremely proud and careless and just cared about learning new things . now I think I'm losing my self confidence and feel extremely lonely. I don't know really what I should do with my current relationship. I don't want to make a decision that become sorry in 10 years. I have to decide faster. Can you help me to make my mind ?
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 So what you're saying is you're pretty good at science but not so good with women, and she's pretty good at manipulating lonely men, but probably not much else...unless you call being a endless pit of sorrow, something? Anyway, I hear what you're saying...you're getting the feeling that this woman is using you for her needs and dependency, as well for her insatiable and bottomless pit of sorrow...in which she is so desperate and insecure that she clings onto you so tightly, because like you...she worries whether you're the best she can get or anyone else for that matter. This is a sad state of affairs...neither one of you really in-love with each other necessarily, but still dependent on each other to fulfill each others needs, which unfortunately happens a lot more in relationships than it is about "love"...but you'd have to ask those people what love is, what is it to you? At the end of the day a lot of people want families and children, so you're going to have to decide what is worth the sacrifice, is it worth taking what you got and going with it? even though you know everything wrong with this relationship...or do you move on and try to find someone else that you really want to be with? Age/time are factors for people, they start to worry and become anxious that maybe they don't have enough time or will never possibly find that "right" person for them...it's a decision you will have to make. Unfortunately the loneliness and relationship issues will grow in time and with the addition of kids who in turn require even more from you than you may already have to expend will further strain the relationship...It really just come down to whether you're done fighting or just going to give in to what's in front you enough to just try it anyway. This girls doesn't so much "need" you specifically but she needs someone like you, I think you could definitely find someone like else like her to leech off of you, especially if you have a good income...if you have a "stable" life and an average or above average income, a lot of women are going to see "potential" in that, especially as they look to settle down, and as a man you can always date younger...however I question your capability with women, but women will be more forgiving than they would in the past as they look for different qualities in men as when they are young and looking for mr perfect, a lot are just looking for mr has a job and a house. Relationships without love become like leeches, sucking the life out of you and making you feel empty...leaving you feeling drained and unmotivated/unhappy, that I think you're definitely going to feel sorry for in 10 years...but you won't regret the kids at least...ahhh, life and it's wonderful choices.
Author irtech Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 Hello Ninja, Thanks for your reply. So what you're saying is you're pretty good at science but not so good with women, and she's pretty good at manipulating lonely men, but probably not much else...unless you call being a endless pit of sorrow, something?Well, I would rather to think I'm (or at least used to be when I had more confidence) a bit picky on women. I think 10 years ago there were far better girls around me that I believe I could marry them but I never wanted to because at that time all my concerns was to make/learn new things and I thought when I became successful I can easily get even better girls. About my current GF, well she is definitely sad on the whole but it is not that she is good at nothing else. she has a Bachelor in Science and now she has moderate skills in her work. This is a sad state of affairs...neither one of you really in-love with each other necessarily, but still dependent on each other to fulfill each others needs, which unfortunately happens a lot more in relationships than it is about "love"...but you'd have to ask those people what love is, what is it to you?Very good point! exactly one reason that I came here is to ask real married people what love means for them ? As i said i have experienced love sickness so I know when you are not married and want someone badly how it feels but I really doubt those strong feelings remain in marriage after some years. So what love really means for happily married couples is it anything more than caring a lot about your spouse and really wanting to be beside her/him and expecting stability in your life ? At the end of the day a lot of people want families and children, so you're going to have to decide what is worth the sacrifice, is it worth taking what you got and going with it? even though you know everything wrong with this relationship...or do you move on and try to find someone else that you really want to be with? Age/time are factors for people, they start to worry and become anxious that maybe they don't have enough time or will never possibly find that "right" person for them...it's a decision you will have to make. Yes, very true! That's what I ask myself. It is like a chess game that you are not sure you have done you best and sometimes you wish you could start over because at least in the past you used to play far better, but even if you do so your next opponent may make you feel sorry why you have not continued your first game! Worse is that one has limited retry chances! Unfortunately the loneliness and relationship issues will grow in time and with the addition of kids who in turn require even more from you than you may already have to expend will further strain the relationship...It really just come down to whether you're done fighting or just going to give in to what's in front you enough to just try it anyway.That is very interesting point. I always thought children bring stability to marriages. Because of this sense of loneliness I would love to had lots of kids at least 3 or 4. One of problems that my current GF has is that because of her age most probably I should not expect more than 1 or 2 kids that is again I should throw away my wishes if I decide to stay with her. Very good point you raised that it finally comes down to whether you want to fight for your dreams or not. one problem that I currently have is that I feel I'm losing my self confidence, 10 years ago I had not slightest doubt I want to fight for my dreams, i used to be a volcano of self confidence but now I'm losing it. Maybe I should work a bit on my self confidence before taking a decision. This girls doesn't so much "need" you specifically but she needs someone like you, I think you could definitely find someone like else like her to leech off of you, especially if you have a good income...if you have a "stable" life and an average or above average income, a lot of women are going to see "potential" in that, especially as they look to settle down, and as a man you can always date younger...however I question your capability with women, but women will be more forgiving than they would in the past as they look for different qualities in men as when they are young and looking for mr perfect, a lot are just looking for mr has a job and a house.Actually I'm not completely sure about her feelings. Maybe she really loves me and maybe not, maybe she is a leech. I'm not even 100% sure that I don't love her but most probably my feelings for her is not love. That depends on how married love(after a few years) is defined. If I was sure that she is a leech and she doesn't love me I would break up with her immediately without slightest feel of sorrow. All I know is that many horrible things has happened in her life, that each of those events is enough to break a man let alone a girl. She always says that all she wants in her life is security and stability, not money. Though I'm not sure if she really gains a secure and stable life, then she doesn't want money and many things else. Though I think money and financial security is important for most girls but I don't want to marry a girl that wants me for money alone and if I become broke she leaves me. You are completely right that she doesn't need me but needs a man like me, so if I find out that she doesn't really love me then I should not feel obligated to stay with her. Relationships without love become like leeches, sucking the life out of you and making you feel empty...leaving you feeling drained and unmotivated/unhappy, that I think you're definitely going to feel sorry for in 10 years...but you won't regret the kids at least...ahhh, life and it's wonderful choices. I agree life is too short to make a bad marriage decision and feel sorry in ten years. Also life is too short for breaking heart of someone that really loves you. About kids, I think they are wonderful but would give you the satisfaction feelings only if you can raise them how you think is good and problem is the spouse is also plays a role here and the final shape of children depends on both partners. so a bad spouse also can deprive you from satisfaction feelings that you might get from your children. Excellent points, Thanks again for raising them. I would love to know more of your thoughts on this matter.
Author irtech Posted July 6, 2014 Author Posted July 6, 2014 (edited) Hello, Sorry to bring this post up again but taking decision is extremely hard for me. I really want to know what I should expect from a happy and successful marriage. If some people who consider themselves being in happy and successful marriage could give me their thoughts, it was appreciated a lot. Ninja post was very useful, I really thought about that and I think I am ready to fight for a good marriage if I come to this conclusion that she is not the one. First I want to know what married love means to happily married couples after 3-5 years. is it more than caring for each other a lot and support each other ? we kiss and hug each other a lot but as I said I don't feel that I admire her and sometimes I feel very alone( in past few weeks after my post though I still had this sensation but it was less extreme than it used to be) . does in a happy marriage spouse still inspires you to become a better person ? For example do great things that you wouldn't do if you were yourself alone ? I guess children also are a source of inspiration but my question is the role of spouse per se. Second can love grow when you are married ? Ninja said that after marriage and children there will be more stress on relationship and I think he is right but can also be the other way around ? I mean because we are not officially married we have missed many good things of marriage and I wonder if we marry may those things become a game changer ? for example as I said in first post because she wants to remain virgin till marriage we had not full sex (the reason for that is that her family that live in another city have no idea that we live together for some year and if they find out that she is not virgin at time of marriage she could get into horrible troubles) . at first year of living together I was much eager for a semi-sex that we had and we used to do it every other day or sometimes everyday but now I feel I am not interested in semi sex and she is also more cold(in sex) so we do it once or twice a month. can marriage be a game changer in that respect ? also because we are not married we have almost no social married life, I mean see/going out with each other family,... Do you think what is wrong in my relationship, is there any test to know if it can be repaired or should break ? I know in marriage I should accept some risk, every body wants a perfect marriage but many marriages just don't end up that well. so no matter if I marry her or another girl I should accept some risk but i don't want to turn back in 10 years and think it was too obvious that this relationship wouldn't work or vice versa was a very good candidate for a successful marriage and I just didn't see that and made a wrong decision. is there any test to make sure if she really loves me or just as ninja said she just needs someone like me ? should we live apart for sometime and then make a decision ? as I said I feel I lost lots of my self confidence, should I work on restoring my self confidence before making a decision or I need to make a swift decision ? If you think we should live apart for sometime or break up completely how should I do it to cause minimum hurt especially for her ? Thanks a lot. Edited July 6, 2014 by irtech
still_an_Angel Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 My grandma said that one should not marry if there is a hint of doubt about the person one is set to marry (and that means every little single thing). When I married my H, I was so blinded by love that I ignored all those little niggly things that were my little red flags as to the future of my M. He was broke, I had a little bit but not much, but I was of the mindset that love will make it alright and we will be ok, I believed we can work through anything if our relationship remains strong and we are willing to work on the problems. Turns out my granny was right, I shouldn't have ignored those little flags. The fact that you're here, questioning your relationship, and the kind of love that you feel for her, well, these are your flags. Its your choice whether you think you can work with these feelings of doubt about your relationship and if you're willing to "settle" for this just because you have been together for some time now and you guys don't fight. I don't get the "not full sex" bit of your relationship but I do get the feeling that even though you kiss and hug a lot, that flaming passion that you would like to have in a relationship is missing. Do you foresee that you will not achieve sexual fulfilment once you marry her? Is sex going to be mediocre? The sexual side of a relationship is extremely important, its going to be hard being in a relationship where sex is mechanical or "dutiful". Is she the woman you would like to share children with? I understand you wanting to have kids, and quite soon as you have to think about your ability to provide until the last one gets through college. This bit is not reversible if you should change your mind. I guess, my questions to you are: do you feel marrying her will give you the fulfilment that you seek in your life? Is she the one who will inspire you and push you to do better and seek more achievements in life because you want to provide the best for her and the kids? Are you going to be happy with a half-love relationship with her? Or are you going to pursue a M with her to achieve your dream of having a family? Will that give you fulfilment? Are you going to have a family with her for the sake of having a family, or is that just for show? Would that give you happiness? I wish you all the best.
acrosstheuniverse Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Personally I think the very fact that you're on here, writing such huge posts about how unsure you are about your gf, and even confessing that you're not sure you love her, you know that the correct thing to do for both of your sakes is to split up. You can't be with her out of pity. 39 isn't old for a dude to start over, you don't have the biological clock ticking either. If you're intelligent and successful and financially stable I doubt you'll have problems finding a more compatible partner. I think you know deep down that this isn't the right relationship for you but you're trying to talk yourself into being with her, trying to make yourself use logic in matters of the heart, because a) she is a safe bet and not going to leave you b) you feel sorry for her c) you're afraid of the future and of being unsure what you will find. None of those are good reasons to marry somebody or start a family. Children bring stress and strain to relationships that are already struggling, and if she's 'sad' all of the time it's going to be even harder for you both to cope. Babies are hell. Wonderful, but hell. They can bring great joy to a couple but many relationships also split up when the kid is a few years old, even the strong ones. All I know is that when I love somebody, I just know and feel it in my heart, being around them is bliss, I crave their company, affection, conversation and touch. I trust in them completely to be there for me and to protect and support me when I need it most. They are my biggest cheerleader and supporter. I can't get enough of gazing at them in awe. I am 26 and have not been married yet but I've had relationships of 2 and 4 years and this feeling has never gone away for me even as things stopped being brand new and exciting. Do you feel any of this with your girlfriend? I really don't think you do. 1
Author irtech Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 Thanks a lot angel for the reply, My grandma said that one should not marry if there is a hint of doubt about the person one is set to marry (and that means every little single thing). When I married my H, I was so blinded by love that I ignored all those little niggly things that were my little red flags as to the future of my M. He was broke, I had a little bit but not much, but I was of the mindset that love will make it alright and we will be ok, I believed we can work through anything if our relationship remains strong and we are willing to work on the problems. Turns out my granny was right, I shouldn't have ignored those little flags. The fact that you're here, questioning your relationship, and the kind of love that you feel for her, well, these are your flags. Its your choice whether you think you can work with these feelings of doubt about your relationship and if you're willing to "settle" for this just because you have been together for some time now and you guys don't fight. I don't get the "not full sex" bit of your relationship but I do get the feeling that even though you kiss and hug a lot, that flaming passion that you would like to have in a relationship is missing. Do you foresee that you will not achieve sexual fulfilment once you marry her? Is sex going to be mediocre? The sexual side of a relationship is extremely important, its going to be hard being in a relationship where sex is mechanical or "dutiful". Well, yes I see some small red flags, but sometimes I think are there lots of people out there with absolutely no small red flags ? aren't even happy marriages have some compromises ?You were in a marriage that as I understood you think was not very good but I want to ask you, what do you miss, is it care of your spouse about you that you think is not good enough or the flaming passion that you wish ? I mean me and my GF have lots of care for each other but do you think it is not enough for a marriage to be considered successful ? About flaming passion yes it is missing in our relationship. I had such feeling for other girls in the past when I was 25, 30 and so but those girls I think even didn't care about me much maybe because we had not much time to know each other and be with each other. i don't feel even my current GF has those flaming passions toward me either but I know we care about each other and that's all and I wonder is it enough or not for a happy marriage. About sex, well as I said because she has decided to remain virgin and also does not want to do many sexual acts till marriage we can't do many things that we want to and those restrictions have caused that we sleep with each other less and less. I don't know if we marry and we have no restriction in sex, will it add some flaming passion to our relationship and cause we practice sex more and more or sex is mediocre because there is something basically wrong in our relationship. Is she the woman you would like to share children with? I understand you wanting to have kids, and quite soon as you have to think about your ability to provide until the last one gets through college. This bit is not reversible if you should change your mind. Yes,I really i want to have kids and I want to have kids that grow with love. though I would prefer to have 3-4 kids and I know because of my current GF age I should not expect more than 1 or 2. I can ignore my wishes at least now, hope that in future I won't regret it. I guess, my questions to you are: do you feel marrying her will give you the fulfilment that you seek in your life? Is she the one who will inspire you and push you to do better and seek more achievements in life because you want to provide the best for her and the kids? Are you going to be happy with a half-love relationship with her? Or are you going to pursue a M with her to achieve your dream of having a family? Will that give you fulfilment? Are you going to have a family with her for the sake of having a family, or is that just for show? Would that give you happiness? I wish you all the best.no, I don't think she can brings the fulfillment that I wish and neither I think she can inspire me and if I marry her it is just to have a family that i need and will bring a half-love(if it does not grow in future to full love) to my life but also If I marry her somehow it will be because I feel a bit responsible for her. she had been with me for some years and she is very dependent on me. How will I think of myself in future if I just drop her ? in the past there were several times that I wanted to loose our relationship. I told her that she can look for another guy but if she did so, just she should let me know, she didn't as far as I know and even didn't want to try that, not sure is it because she really loves me or fears to lose me. That's also a factor, if I decide to break up I want to do it in a responsible way so that I don't feel low of myself in future for just dropping someone in need. i thought maybe i should suggest we live apart for a few months, then maybe we can understand better nature of our relationship. Thanks a lot again you post was useful for me. I wish all the best for you too
Author irtech Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 (edited) Hello, thanks for the reply and useful points AcrossTheUniverse. Personally I think the very fact that you're on here, writing such huge posts about how unsure you are about your gf, and even confessing that you're not sure you love her, you know that the correct thing to do for both of your sakes is to split up. You can't be with her out of pity. Yes, definitely I'm unsure. It was much easier for me to decide if she wasn't so dependent on me. If I was sure that her cares about me is out of love not dependence then maybe I also would fell in love with her, or if I was sure that she is a leech then it was very easy for me to drop her. but unfortunately situations is much more complex. 39 isn't old for a dude to start over, you don't have the biological clock ticking either. If you're intelligent and successful and financially stable I doubt you'll have problems finding a more compatible partner. I also have no doubt that I can find other girls that at least look closer to my ideals but not sure when I marry them, will they bring fulfillment that I wish to my life. I think you know deep down that this isn't the right relationship for you but you're trying to talk yourself into being with her, trying to make yourself use logic in matters of the heart, because a) she is a safe bet and not going to leave you b) you feel sorry for her c) you're afraid of the future and of being unsure what you will find . Exactly! None of those are good reasons to marry somebody or start a family. Children bring stress and strain to relationships that are already struggling, and if she's 'sad' all of the time it's going to be even harder for you both to cope. Babies are hell. Wonderful, but hell. They can bring great joy to a couple but many relationships also split up when the kid is a few years old, even the strong ones. Well about babies, i always liked them, when I would see a young couple going out with their babies/children I also felt I want that too. but I have no idea why in the past year or two this desire has been amplified by a factor of 100 or more! All I know is that when I love somebody, I just know and feel it in my heart, being around them is bliss, I crave their company, affection, conversation and touch. I trust in them completely to be there for me and to protect and support me when I need it most. They are my biggest cheerleader and supporter. I can't get enough of gazing at them in awe. I am 26 and have not been married yet but I've had relationships of 2 and 4 years and this feeling has never gone away for me even as things stopped being brand new and exciting. Do you feel any of this with your girlfriend? I really don't think you do. No, i had those feelings for other girls in the past but not for my current GF. I don't know why because on the whole she is pretty girl(well above average) that cares about me. maybe the reason that I have not those feelings is that in the beginning our relationship began with mistrust and after she gained by trust, she already was living with me for several years and she has become too usual for me. i want to ask those that are in successful marriage/relationship , how will their feelings change after 3-5 years, so they still live and remember first days of their relationship and live with that joy that does not exist in reality but only in their memory or they actually practice those joy and admiration after 3-5 years. Edited July 10, 2014 by irtech
still_an_Angel Posted July 10, 2014 Posted July 10, 2014 Sorry to be a damper, but the way you talk/write about her, I get the feeling that its like you're talking about a sister or a sibling who you care for a lot. Looking back at your post, you use the term "care", not love. Only you can distinguish the root of her "caring ways" for you, is it because you are her lifeline? or she truly loves you? I understand her stand on virginity and all, but I think, if you are truly "in love" with someone, its that easy to cross over to physical love. You can "love" someone like your grandma or cousin, but being "in love" is a whole different ball game. You can read about all the sexless marriages in this forum which is a big factor in relationship breakdowns. You don't seem to have this passion for her, otherwise, you would've crossed over the physical side of things. Yes it will be in your conscience that you dropped someone who is in need, or needs you, but you have to look at it from another angle too, releasing her so she can find someone who truly loves her and falls in love with her. Both of you deserve that chance to find someone who you fall helplessly in love with and would move heaven and earth to be together (hopeless romantic me I know but you know what I'm talking about). Its not fair that you marry her given you are not in love with her. You talk about babies and having children as you desire to have a family. Is this your motivation for marrying her? You're willing to settle for a mediocre relationship so you can have the kids you desire? Check out all the threads on this forum and you will see a pattern of intense relationships take a dip when they have kids and as they progress in their marriages through life. Some people even start to think about what they went through and settled for in the past 15, 20 years of marriages. Yes, it does change, as we age, we all do, plus given our circumstances in life, the recipe to make or break a marriage simmers through time. Do you seriously believe your half-love will turn into full blown crazy love when you marry? I think you really need to take a step back and reassess your situation, marriage is a big leap so you shouldn't settle for this relationship with the hope that it will be what you dream for it to become. You only have this life, so you should ensure your happiness.
Author irtech Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 Sorry to be a damper, but the way you talk/write about her, I get the feeling that its like you're talking about a sister or a sibling who you care for a lot. Looking back at your post, you use the term "care", not love. Only you can distinguish the root of her "caring ways" for you, is it because you are her lifeline? or she truly loves you? I understand her stand on virginity and all, but I think, if you are truly "in love" with someone, its that easy to cross over to physical love. You can "love" someone like your grandma or cousin, but being "in love" is a whole different ball game. You can read about all the sexless marriages in this forum which is a big factor in relationship breakdowns. You don't seem to have this passion for her, otherwise, you would've crossed over the physical side of things. Yes it will be in your conscience that you dropped someone who is in need, or needs you, but you have to look at it from another angle too, releasing her so she can find someone who truly loves her and falls in love with her. Both of you deserve that chance to find someone who you fall helplessly in love with and would move heaven and earth to be together (hopeless romantic me I know but you know what I'm talking about). Its not fair that you marry her given you are not in love with her. You talk about babies and having children as you desire to have a family. Is this your motivation for marrying her? You're willing to settle for a mediocre relationship so you can have the kids you desire? Check out all the threads on this forum and you will see a pattern of intense relationships take a dip when they have kids and as they progress in their marriages through life. Some people even start to think about what they went through and settled for in the past 15, 20 years of marriages. Yes, it does change, as we age, we all do, plus given our circumstances in life, the recipe to make or break a marriage simmers through time. Do you seriously believe your half-love will turn into full blown crazy love when you marry? I think you really need to take a step back and reassess your situation, marriage is a big leap so you shouldn't settle for this relationship with the hope that it will be what you dream for it to become. You only have this life, so you should ensure your happiness. Hello angle, Thanks for the reply, I'm thinking that without bluntly telling her that we should reevaluate our relationship or even considering break up, asking her to consider living apart for a few months to make a decision about future of our relationship. I think even asking her to live apart for some months may hurt her feelings badly but you know maybe if we marry and it turns out that our relationship was a mistake from the beginning it causes even more hurt especially for her. I am a man and have more secure life and also better psyche condition than her, so If it ends up to breaking up, I want bear most of emotional burden of this. But to be honest with you I'm so unsure that I really don't know what will happen in future maybe she can convince me that she really loves me and I really fall in love with her. I think one of the most important factors that made decision making so difficult is that we had an unusual introduction that began with absolute distrust. while in my conscious side of my brain I'm convinced that I forgave her for what she did about 5 years ago maybe in unconscious side of my brain I still have not forgave her and maybe there is some level of distrust in my unconscious side that prevents us to get closer. so I think as you said maybe stepping back and reassess our relationship is a very good idea. Now I'm thinking about bringing up the idea for living apart for some months very delicately to cause least hurt for her. Thanks a lot for giving your thoughts, I think the fact that I have to respond to posts of you and other members makes me to think more logically and consider all aspects of my decisions, so it is definitely helpful. thanks.
Smilecharmer Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Honestly your post seems like you are writing about a roommate rather than a lover. With my husband there were never any doubts or red flags. In fact, it was so easy to see how he made my life better and how much I wanted to please him and be his family that we were affianced pretty quickly. I think you two have some financial and emotional dependency going on but unfortunately that won't even cover the first hurdle in your marriage before you feel resentful and like you want to go back to single. I think the fact that you are writing this at all says a whole lot. You don't love her the way a man should love a woman he wants to develop and maintain a happy future with. I'm sorry. I know it is disappointing.
Author irtech Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 Honestly your post seems like you are writing about a roommate rather than a lover. With my husband there were never any doubts or red flags. In fact, it was so easy to see how he made my life better and how much I wanted to please him and be his family that we were affianced pretty quickly. I think you two have some financial and emotional dependency going on but unfortunately that won't even cover the first hurdle in your marriage before you feel resentful and like you want to go back to single. I think the fact that you are writing this at all says a whole lot. You don't love her the way a man should love a woman he wants to develop and maintain a happy future with. I'm sorry. I know it is disappointing. Hello Smile, Thanks for the reply. Can you tell me for how long you have been married ? yes I understand the begining everything started nice for you but in our situation things started very differently. We started with a bitter fight and then gradually get close to each other, so maybe it is more fair to comare your marriage after 3-5 years with our current situation. I mean after theses years I doubt much excitements remain(I don't know, correct me if I'm wrong) because man and woman get used to each other and probably not much excited about their spouse. Of course I'm sure in succesful marriages there are lots of care for each other that remains until death separte them. should I think that in a succesful marriage even afrer 3-5 years there should be something else other than lots of care for the spouse , somehing that is missing in our relationship? 2 days ago I tried to talk to her about the future and wanted to suggest that we live apat for a short time to understand better nature of our relationship. i tried to do it with lots of care. I said that I really don't know what I should do for our future if she wants to break I accept but if she can't decide I can't decide now and need more time. I said I have some feelings for her but I'm not sure it is love. I didn't say anything new, I never had told her that I want to stay or I love her. Though I was very careful about my words, I think this gave her a shock, she cried a lot and said that I feel sick (severe headache and nausuea). After a while I felt she became better. but today when she was out she felt her heart has a problem and went to emergency of hospital, medical exams showed her heart was OK, but they diagnosed her with panic attack and prescribed some medicine and recommended rest. She is very fragile and it is very difficult to bring the suggestion of living apart even for a short while. thanks a lot.
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