The divorce is finally final!

June 22, 2014

Amy, I really dislike the BS in my situation and she has done a lot of crazy things... but NOBODY likes the idea of children not seeing there mum. It is an unbreakable bond- no matter what she has done she carried them and on some level they will always be connected to her.

I put my money on the fact they will miss there mom and will end up being very protective of her. Especially now that she is absent a lot.

June 22, 2014

She doesn't have mental issues, or an addiction, she has behavior and choice problems when she doesn't get her way. I am speaking frankly about her here with pretty much certainty that his children don't read here. I am not speaking about her in front of them and neither is he, other than what has to be said and it's nothing deragatory about her.

She CHOOSES to act the way she acts so please don't try to make excuses for her or say that someone else made her act that way. That is classic abuse tactics "You MAKE me act this way" and it's blame shifting and nauseating.

Sorry maybe I mixed your situation up with someone else. I thought his (ex) wife was an alcoholic and also suffered from depression.

June 22, 2014

Whoa there! I'm not excusing her actions. From what you have described in your threads, she seems mentally ill. If she were to harm or kill herself it would still destroy her kids. I'm thinking about the kids. Your reaction shocks me a bit. The fact that you are boasting that the kids don't want to see her is odd TO ME. I think this more about your anger towards her. Yes, her harassing you was wrong, but it doesn't change the fact that she is those kids mother. If you chose to date him, you will have to deal with her and all the problems that come with it. My intention was NOT to offend you. I do wish you the best!

June 22, 2014

AmyBamy, the more you post details about her it sounds like it was a crazy situation indeed. I've had a few experiences with narcisst and borderlines and definitely know how toxic they can be. Kudos to him for finally conjuring up the courage to get out and kudos to you for protecting yourself by involving the police. You put a strong boundary in place so she will suffer consequences if she steps out of line with you again. If she has a personality disorder I don't blame you for not trusting her. I certainly wouldn't. Especially if sways toward the narcissitic tendancies because they always find a way to punish you. It might not happen right away; it could take a couple of years, but be rest assured there will be something. Stay on your toes with her and trust your gut. If you smell smoke there is fire and you will need to put on that suit of armor.

Keep up the good work and good luck.

June 22, 2014

Whoa there! I'm not excusing her actions. From what you have described in your threads, she seems mentally ill. If she were to harm or kill herself it would still destroy her kids. I'm thinking about the kids. Your reaction shocks me a bit. The fact that you are boasting that the kids don't want to see her is odd TO ME. I think this more about your anger towards her. Yes, her harassing you was wrong, but it doesn't change the fact that she is those kids mother. If you chose to date him, you will have to deal with her and all the problems that come with it. My intention was NOT to offend you. I do wish you the best!

I'm not boasting about it, I'm simply presenting here what they have presented to me and their Dad. I take no pleasure in her behaviors or her current alienation from her children. I have no anger towards her, I'm just exhausted with her tantrums. I find them unnecessary and they don't do anything but make a situation bad that doesn't need to be. I wasn't offended by your post or with you. I just don't get the bending over backwards some here want to do to excuse her behaviors while wanting to lynch ex MM. It's absurd.

And no, I will not have to deal with her. Especially once the kids are grown, and the youngest only has 3 years (less than) before they will all be out on their own. She will not be a part of my life, period. And if I have to, I will keep restraining orders against her for the rest of our lives. Whatever it takes to keep her away from me with her silly tantrums. Now, if she wants to act like an adult, I have no issue being around her - I don't dislike her or like her, I have no feelings towards her at all other than frustration and exhaustion.

June 22, 2014

AmyBamy, the more you post details about her it sounds like it was a crazy situation indeed. I've had a few experiences with narcisst and borderlines and definitely know how toxic they can be. Kudos to him for finally conjuring up the courage to get out and kudos to you for protecting yourself by involving the police. You put a strong boundary in place so she will suffer consequences if she steps out of line with you again. If she has a personality disorder I don't blame you for not trusting her. I certainly wouldn't. Especially if sways toward the narcissitic tendancies because they always find a way to punish you. It might not happen right away; it could take a couple of years, but be rest assured there will be something. Stay on your toes with her and trust your gut. If you smell smoke there is fire and you will need to put on that suit of armor.

Keep up the good work and good luck.

Thank you. My plan at this point is to simply continue with her not being any part of my life whatsoever. I am not trying to take over her house and her children, there is no need for her to have any contact with me whatsoever, and that's how I want it. I know that she THINKS she has a reason and a right to be in contact with me, but she is wrong, and the law absolutely agrees with me on this one.

I don't know what her deal is other than she seems to have absolutely no problem solving or coping skills at all. It seems like since she has been able to bully everyone else, that when I resisted the bullying, she become enraged and flipped out bc she couldn't force me to do what she wanted me to do. I truly feel sorry for exMM and his children for having to live with her and deal with that type of manipulation and abuse for all of these years, but I will NOT put up with it or deal with it or appease her. She needs to learn to self soothe and if she can't, that is absolutely NOT my problem and I don't intend to make it my problem.

Her marriage to exMM is over and no matter how much she resists or tantrums or acts out, it will still be OVER. Maybe eventually she will tire herself out, like a two year old. But in the meantime, I find it absolutely ridiculous that she is even trying to sway things in that way.

And to the other poster about the mental health thing. She doesn't have depression that I'm aware of, and she drinks occasionally to the point of drunkenness that she contacts me. But no,I don't think she has legitimate mental health needs, she just needs a dose of reality about the fact that the universe does not, in fact, revolve around her and her wants and needs.

June 22, 2014

Have read about 2/3 of this thread. Imo it's wise not to try to "school" the children on what their perspective and comments about their mom should be as that's the responsibility of their dad or a counselor.

One thing I continue to learn is that a person teaches more by their behavior than with their words and it seems to me that's the best way you can help his children cope and also gain respect and trust from them.

If you never join in on bashing their mom and never chuckle or agree with them in any way when they express negative thoughts about her, that in itself shows them you aren't going to disrespect their mom. They'll get the message.

It also shows them, and this to me is vital, that you don't intend to step into their mom's role.

Also, it's very possible the children have learned to behave disrespectfully toward others by observing their own mom (or dad, idk about his behavior in the home) in the family home during the years she spent married to their dad. If so, I believe it's going to take time, patience and guidance from their dad and/or a counselor to help them unlearn this type of behavior.

June 22, 2014

And to the other poster about the mental health thing. She doesn't have depression that I'm aware of, and she drinks occasionally to the point of drunkenness that she contacts me. But no,I don't think she has legitimate mental health needs, she just needs a dose of reality about the fact that the universe does not, in fact, revolve around her and her wants and needs.

I still think some compassion and kindness could go a long way here, might ease up on the mindset that his ex is the devil.

You don't think she has mental health issues, doesn't mean she doesn't have them. if she hasn't been diagnosed professionally (yet) who knows, it is possible she may be bipolar and not be aware of it.

My posts didn't mean to imply her behaviour should be swept under the rug, it is wrong how she's handled this and not defending her 100% but I still think some compassion and kindness could go a long way here, might ease up on the mindset that his ex is the devil.

June 23, 2014

You're right it's not your job to parent his children. In my case, I've been around my step kids since they were tiny tots. So they look at me as another mother figure. If they begin to trust you as a friend, I hope that you would encourage them to have some kind of relationship with her IF they discuss her with you. It's possible that their feelings will change and they will miss her at one point.

Are you sure she doesn't have some kind of mental illness? I've never known anyone to behave like that and not have some kind of emotional issue. Thank you for clearing a few things up. I'm glad you don't find pleasure in what's going on. My posts you to had nothing to do with your exMM. I was thinking solely about the kids. I hope the exW gets the help she needs so she can be close to her children. I hope you don't have to continue with the restraining order. Thus really is a sad story.

PS. That smiley on the top wasn't intentional. My phone is crazy. LOL

June 23, 2014

Amy, my posts to you also were focused on the kids. No intent to defend the ex-wife, as clearly she is not acting rationally. To be honest, your original post came off with somewhat of a gloating attitude that this woman was gone and her kids like you better than they like her. It just hit me as not the best situation for the kids, since they only have one mother and that will always be the case.

It is not for you or me anyone here to diagnose this woman with anything, but people who act like this are almost always either extremely hurt/depressed/devastated and acting temporarily insane because of it, or else they have mental health issues. Or both. This is not normal behavior, even in people who are inherently 'selfish'. I am sure she does not mean to damage her kids or make them dislike her, but her actions are doing just that and there is a reason for it that really can't all be put on her, for several reasons.

I feel sad for the kids because they are now thinking that their dad's affair was a good thing. This is a terrible lesson for them and example for them to use in their own lives in the future. Their dad was a contributor to this mess, even if just because - if she was this abusive to everyone for years on end - then he should have gotten himself and his kids out of the situation long ago, rather than having an affair which just added a whole new layer of MESS to this already huge mess.

If the kids' mother changes her ways and ends up being a loving mother to them, or if (God forbid) she does something drastic like committing suicide, then those kids are going to have a great deal of guilt because of things they said, felt, etc. It's not right, but that is likely how they will feel... another poster said the same thing about her step-daughter. While their opinions don't have to be 'suppressed', they can be reminded when they say things like 'psycho' and 'cray-cray' about their mom that she needs help to be the mom they need and she still loves them. If they learn not to say these things, the likelihood that it will haunt them when they become adults is much less.

I agree you aren't the one who should be doing that, right now at least, since you aren't seriously dating him. But since you wrote so much about the kids and their attitude and how they like you better than their own mom, it just hit me that this wasn't right. No offense meant, and I do hope it all works out.

June 23, 2014

Thank you. My plan at this point is to simply continue with her not being any part of my life whatsoever.

Not possible now that you are dating her xH.

Nor will it EVER be truly possible - even after the kids "leave the nest".

She is now - and for as long as you date him - be in your life.

Think long term in your dealings.

For instance, if one child gets M - and you have a RO on the xW - who attends the wedding? You or Mom?

Point be - think strategically - and don't kid yourself she is "out of your life".

I am not trying to take over her house and her children, there is no need for her to have any contact with me whatsoever, and that's how I want it. I know that she THINKS she has a reason and a right to be in contact with me, but she is wrong, and the law absolutely agrees with me on this one.

I would urge caution in this thinking.

While the children are "good" now - well, time changes all. Try to NOT create a you vs her - or allow her to do the same. And while you cannot control her actions - you can "get in front of them" for the benefits of your BF and his kids - aka your rapidly forming family.

I don't know what her deal is other than she seems to have absolutely no problem solving or coping skills at all. It seems like since she has been able to bully everyone else, that when I resisted the bullying, she become enraged and flipped out bc she couldn't force me to do what she wanted me to do. I truly feel sorry for exMM and his children for having to live with her and deal with that type of manipulation and abuse for all of these years, but I will NOT put up with it or deal with it or appease her. She needs to learn to self soothe and if she can't, that is absolutely NOT my problem and I don't intend to make it my problem.

If she has no skills and, for the better part of her life needed her now xH (your BF), guess who she will call.

And echoing above - you will NEVER rid yourself of her as long as you date him. I pass no judgment on that - its just a statement of fact. Do NOT delude yourself into thinking otherwise.

Her marriage to exMM is over and no matter how much she resists or tantrums or acts out, it will still be OVER. Maybe eventually she will tire herself out, like a two year old. But in the meantime, I find it absolutely ridiculous that she is even trying to sway things in that way.

Agreed.

But YOU still have to deal with it. It was a lesson hard learned by my W in dealing with my xW - who, though not as bad, acts like his xW. Yes, they can cause ALL kinds of grief. And sometimes meeting fire with fire only results in TWO fires burning.

I would ACTIVELY look for alternative coping ways - being so aggressive and "hard lined",while certainly your right, isn't always the best course of action.

Oh...good luck to you - a happy R or M can be made even with a crazy xW - even though they can, and do, cause unnecessary headaches.

June 23, 2014

Amy, my posts to you also were focused on the kids. No intent to defend the ex-wife, as clearly she is not acting rationally. To be honest, your original post came off with somewhat of a gloating attitude that this woman was gone and her kids like you better than they like her. It just hit me as not the best situation for the kids, since they only have one mother and that will always be the case.

It is not for you or me anyone here to diagnose this woman with anything, but people who act like this are almost always either extremely hurt/depressed/devastated and acting temporarily insane because of it, or else they have mental health issues. Or both. This is not normal behavior, even in people who are inherently 'selfish'. I am sure she does not mean to damage her kids or make them dislike her, but her actions are doing just that and there is a reason for it that really can't all be put on her, for several reasons.

I feel sad for the kids because they are now thinking that their dad's affair was a good thing. This is a terrible lesson for them and example for them to use in their own lives in the future. Their dad was a contributor to this mess, even if just because - if she was this abusive to everyone for years on end - then he should have gotten himself and his kids out of the situation long ago, rather than having an affair which just added a whole new layer of MESS to this already huge mess.

If the kids' mother changes her ways and ends up being a loving mother to them, or if (God forbid) she does something drastic like committing suicide, then those kids are going to have a great deal of guilt because of thingsq they said, felt, etc. It's not right, but that is likely how they will feel... another poster said the same thing about her step-daughter. While their opinions don't have to be 'suppressed', they can be reminded when they say things like 'psycho' and 'cray-cray' about their mom that she needs help to be the mom they need and she still loves them. If they learn not to say these things, the likelihood that it will haunt them when they become adults is much less.

I agree you aren't the one who should be doing that, right now at least, since you aren't seriously dating him. But since you wrote so much about the kids and their attitude and how they like you better than their own mom, it just hit me that this wasn't right. No offense meant, and I do hope it all works out.

This is exactly what I was trying to state, but I didn't do a great job of it. You nailed it Hope!

My stepdaughter's mom used to throw fits. One time her mom was escorted out of her school by the school cop. It embarrassed the hell out of her. The only way she would talk to her mom was through court ordered therapy. Since her mom's death she doesn't sleep, she can't overcome the guilt she feels. It breaks my heart to see her struggle so much. The way the OP describes the XW's behavior reminds me a lot of the mom of my stepdaughter.

OP, I don't recall you mentioning it, but are the kids in therapy? If the abuse is the way you described, they are going to need it. It's just my opinion, but I suggest you take things VERY slow with the exMM. Let the dust settle a bit before you get too serious. For the kids sake, you might want to avoid situations in which the XW might be present. I'm not implying you do this forever, just for the first little awhile. Everyone in the exMM's household is going to need time to adjust. I wish you luck!

I forgot to mention my sweet girl's mom was diagnosed as bi-polar. She had a purse full of all types of meds from a few different doctors. This why I seriously wonder if the XW might be struggling with some kind of disorder.

Edited June 23, 2014 by violet1

June 23, 2014

I was a foster parent and I can tell you that no matter what the parent has done the children still identify with that parent- if you call her pyscho, they feel like they are as well- no matter what they say or how they act-the have a bond with their Mother so tread lightly-

I am disappointed in their Father for having them spend time with you-its very early and they have been through trauma-introducing another female is probably not wise for them- he found a way to be with you without his children before, why not now? They need 100% time and attention from their Father-this stage of your relationship is new and neither of you know what is going to happen next-he would be better to keep those two parts of his life separate-IMO

June 23, 2014

Not possible now that you are dating her xH.
Nor will it EVER be truly possible - even after the kids "leave the nest".

She is now - and for as long as you date him - be in your life.

Think long term in your dealings.

For instance, if one child gets M - and you have a RO on the xW - who attends the wedding? You or Mom?

Point be - think strategically - and don't kid yourself she is "out of your life".

I disagree with this. My H's xW is for all intents and purposes "out of our lives". Yes, she does choose to keep herself stuck in the past, with some pretty bizarre behaviour, but that is her choosing, not an inevitability, and at some point if she chooses not to stop, our patience will expire and we will let the law take its course. As Amy has already done that, via a RO, her BF's XW has even less reason to be hanging about stuck in the past, and more motivation to move on.

When we first lived together, the kids were in high school. Apart from one event where she showed up and making a scene, she simply stayed away. She knew we would be there, and while she was welcome to attend if she behaved, she chose to stay away. She's not attended any of their "events" or milestones, even when we've been away - perhaps because she hasn't been invited.

It's not that big a deal. People D all the time, and kids of those Ds manage to graduate, marry, have kids christened, etc without global thermonuclear war breaking out. There is no need for D xSpouses ever to have anything to do with each other - unless they choose to - much less for the xW to have any dealings with the current GF.

June 23, 2014

My guys ex is a thorn in our side, but less so than she used to be. Their kids are grown, so she really doesn't have any reason to contact my guy, but still finds reasons, usually after ten pm when she's been sucking on a liquor bottle for a couple of hours.

If and when there are milestones in the kids' lives, weddings, baby birth, christening, etc. I will be happy to bow out and allow her that time. They are her children, even if she has done some deplorable things. We are never going to get along and I am fine with that. Mostly I want to avoid a confrontation with her because I don't need anything getting crazy. My guy is well known in our community and we don't want any more of a scandal than our affair caused. She will blame me forever, rather than herself and my guy, for the divorce, and that is her right. But, she would be better off if she did some work to find out why the marriage failed in the first place.

Amy, I hope things work out for you, if that is your desire. My guy and I took it slow also after he left the marriage. We dated, we didn't rush anything. It's a wonderful time for us and it can be for you too. I hope all works out well for you.

June 23, 2014

Amy - I agree, your place is definitely NOT to parent their kids. Even if you were married to him that is not your role. Since you are just casually dating this is even more important. Your role is to be neutral and to reinforce parental requirements. This will be based on information from him. Whether or not they are on the same page is between them.

I am glad that things are going forward and the biggest hurdles are covered. I do agree that the ex wife will not be out of your life if you are in his life though it can be minimized to a certain extent.

I never speak ill of my stepkid's mother in front of the kids and save any discussions about their parenting styles, issues, etc. to alone time with my husband and let him decide if he moves on it or not. I too came into their lives as young adults and it is a different dynamic than those with young children.

I agree as above, there are a number of events that both can attend with minimal contact. If we are dealing with smaller events in which it is the kids' choice to have their mom there and not me, if that would make their lives easier/more enjoyable than I will do it. Asserting my right to attend an event for one of the kids is not a hill I care to die on.

Edited June 23, 2014 by Got it

June 23, 2014

It's not that big a deal. People D all the time, and kids of those Ds manage to graduate, marry, have kids christened, etc without global thermonuclear war breaking out. There is no need for D xSpouses ever to have anything to do with each other - unless they choose to - much less for the xW to have any dealings with the current GF.

Completely wrong.

I am divorced and my ex-H and I co-parent VERY closely which is why our kids are doing very well and are not screwed up (in my opinion). We even signed a contract that we will live in the same neighborhood until the last child is 18 years of age. This way they don't even have to give up their neighborhood friends. If not for that contract I would be out of here with skid marks, but my kids are more important.

There is EVERY NEED for divorced ex-spouses to communicate regarding their children together.

And yes, whoever ends up with the spouse will have to interact with the ex because the children are always a priority, adults or not.

June 23, 2014

Amy, my posts to you also were focused on the kids. No intent to defend the ex-wife, as clearly she is not acting rationally. To be honest, your original post came off with somewhat of a gloating attitude that this woman was gone and her kids like you better than they like her. It just hit me as not the best situation for the kids, since they only have one mother and that will always be the case.

It is not for you or me anyone here to diagnose this woman with anything, but people who act like this are almost always either extremely hurt/depressed/devastated and acting temporarily insane because of it, or else they have mental health issues. Or both. This is not normal behavior, even in people who are inherently 'selfish'. I am sure she does not mean to damage her kids or make them dislike her, but her actions are doing just that and there is a reason for it that really can't all be put on her, for several reasons.

I feel sad for the kids because they are now thinking that their dad's affair was a good thing. This is a terrible lesson for them and example for them to use in their own lives in the future. Their dad was a contributor to this mess, even if just because - if she was this abusive to everyone for years on end - then he should have gotten himself and his kids out of the situation long ago, rather than having an affair which just added a whole new layer of MESS to this already huge mess.

If the kids' mother changes her ways and ends up being a loving mother to them, or if (God forbid) she does something drastic like committing suicide, then those kids are going to have a great deal of guilt because of things they said, felt, etc. It's not right, but that is likely how they will feel... another poster said the same thing about her step-daughter. While their opinions don't have to be 'suppressed', they can be reminded when they say things like 'psycho' and 'cray-cray' about their mom that she needs help to be the mom they need and she still loves them. If they learn not to say these things, the likelihood that it will haunt them when they become adults is much less.

I agree you aren't the one who should be doing that, right now at least, since you aren't seriously dating him. But since you wrote so much about the kids and their attitude and how they like you better than their own mom, it just hit me that this wasn't right. No offense meant, and I do hope it all works out.

I agree with everything here except, I don't think that they like me better than her, and I'm not gloating. Trust me, I am not happy with any of this, I am just glad it seems to be settling down - that's what I'm happy about. I don't feel a lot of sympathy for their Mom right now bc everything she is suffering right now is because of her own behaviors, she brought all of that on herself and by herself.

The kids are simply reaching out to me in a time of chaos because I'm not acting crazy. That's all there is to that I think. They are struggling to find a consistent adult without drama and I fit that bill for them. They are searching for some consistency and stability and their mother is not providing them for that. And yes, they probably are looking at the affair as a good thing right now, but that will balance out IF their mother gets hold of herself and starts acting like an adult and a mother. If she doesn't, well, I can't control that.

Am I happy that his kids like me? Of course I am - who wants the children of the guy they are dating to hate them? But that is completely separate from their relationship with their mother, nothing to do with it.

I am not gloating nor am I happy, and I have my own experience with losing my own mother and I will never ever take part in bashing their mother with them or in front of them. I also will not correct them - I simply ignore those comments bc it's not my place - they will figure it out on their own and do what they feel is right for them. And if they choose not to see her and something tragic happens, that's life and they will deal with it like everyone else in the world has to when these things happen. I am not in the business of saving the world or predicting the future or mending relationships between other people - I leave them to it.

June 23, 2014

I'm confused as to what some of you consider dating? I am not parenting his children - he and I are simply DATING. That is a huge leap. We only spent time together on Father's Day bc we have mutual friends and were invited to a cook out separately and together. We chose to go - and we didn't make out the whole time, we simply visited normally. Again, dating - not having sex on front lawns, or sitting on each other's laps - or trying to parent each other's children. We are going on dates and talking on the phone. His children are not involved. Yes, they invited me to the pool party they want to have when they move back into the house, and I've not decided if I will go yet - I want to, but will also make an informed decision depending on how the next month or so plays out. Some of you seem to equate dating with marrying/coparenting/cohabitating - I do not.

June 23, 2014

Not possible now that you are dating her xH.
Nor will it EVER be truly possible - even after the kids "leave the nest".

She is now - and for as long as you date him - be in your life.

Think long term in your dealings.

For instance, if one child gets M - and you have a RO on the xW - who attends the wedding? You or Mom?

Point be - think strategically - and don't kid yourself she is "out of your life".

I would urge caution in this thinking.
While the children are "good" now - well, time changes all. Try to NOT create a you vs her - or allow her to do the same. And while you cannot control her actions - you can "get in front of them" for the benefits of your BF and his kids - aka your rapidly forming family.

If she has no skills and, for the better part of her life needed her now xH (your BF), guess who she will call.

And echoing above - you will NEVER rid yourself of her as long as you date him. I pass no judgment on that - its just a statement of fact. Do NOT delude yourself into thinking otherwise.

Agreed.
But YOU still have to deal with it. It was a lesson hard learned by my W in dealing with my xW - who, though not as bad, acts like his xW. Yes, they can cause ALL kinds of grief. And sometimes meeting fire with fire only results in TWO fires burning.

I would ACTIVELY look for alternative coping ways - being so aggressive and "hard lined",while certainly your right, isn't always the best course of action.

Oh...good luck to you - a happy R or M can be made even with a crazy xW - even though they can, and do, cause unnecessary headaches.

She can attend all the events and I will decline if need be. I have no problem with that, they are not my children and I can stay out of it. If she continues to act as she has, she may not be getting invites to those things though. I will not be involved with her, period. I see that some of you insist that we have to have contact, I know you are wrong. After my parents divorced, they literally never had contact again - yet we saw both of them. Trust me, it can be done, lol.

June 23, 2014

I was a foster parent and I can tell you that no matter what the parent has done the children still identify with that parent- if you call her pyscho, they feel like they are as well- no matter what they say or how they act-the have a bond with their Mother so tread lightly-

I am disappointed in their Father for having them spend time with you-its very early and they have been through trauma-introducing another female is probably not wise for them- he found a way to be with you without his children before, why not now? They need 100% time and attention from their Father-this stage of your relationship is new and neither of you know what is going to happen next-he would be better to keep those two parts of his life separate-IMO

Also, please remember, these are young adult children. The youngest is 15 - they are not babies and they are very intelligent and insightful young adults. I really don't worry about their adjustment or ability to handle adversity considering what they've already been through. I'm not discounting your concerns, but I think many here are underestimating young adults. I would obviously think differently if the youngest was 5.

June 23, 2014

I disagree with this. My H's xW is for all intents and purposes "out of our lives". Yes, she does choose to keep herself stuck in the past, with some pretty bizarre behaviour, but that is her choosing, not an inevitability, and at some point if she chooses not to stop, our patience will expire and we will let the law take its course. As Amy has already done that, via a RO, her BF's XW has even less reason to be hanging about stuck in the past, and more motivation to move on.

When we first lived together, the kids were in high school. Apart from one event where she showed up and making a scene, she simply stayed away. She knew we would be there, and while she was welcome to attend if she behaved, she chose to stay away. She's not attended any of their "events" or milestones, even when we've been away - perhaps because she hasn't been invited.

It's not that big a deal. People D all the time, and kids of those Ds manage to graduate, marry, have kids christened, etc without global thermonuclear war breaking out. There is no need for D xSpouses ever to have anything to do with each other - unless they choose to - much less for the xW to have any dealings with the current GF.

Agreed. My parents had a middle man and they never spoke to each other again after their divorce when I was a young child. They both attended all of my events and milestones, separately, and simply didn't sit near one another or speak to one another. They were able to be in pictures together without speaking, and then went their separate ways. Some people can successfully co parent without all the involvement that others seem to think that they need.

If her behaviors stay the same, I will continue to utilize the laws in place for just those types of behaviors. If she wants to be a part of her children's lives, I certainly will not do anything to impede that and will even stay home if need be if he and I are still dating when those things occur. I have no issues with allowing her to be near her children and involved in their lives. If exMM and I continue to date, we will most likely have children of our own and I will be perfectly content to put my focus on the actual children and allow his adult children to make their own decisions and invites.

June 23, 2014

My guys ex is a thorn in our side, but less so than she used to be. Their kids are grown, so she really doesn't have any reason to contact my guy, but still finds reasons, usually after ten pm when she's been sucking on a liquor bottle for a couple of hours.

If and when there are milestones in the kids' lives, weddings, baby birth, christening, etc. I will be happy to bow out and allow her that time. They are her children, even if she has done some deplorable things. We are never going to get along and I am fine with that. Mostly I want to avoid a confrontation with her because I don't need anything getting crazy. My guy is well known in our community and we don't want any more of a scandal than our affair caused. She will blame me forever, rather than herself and my guy, for the divorce, and that is her right. But, she would be better off if she did some work to find out why the marriage failed in the first place.

Amy, I hope things work out for you, if that is your desire. My guy and I took it slow also after he left the marriage. We dated, we didn't rush anything. It's a wonderful time for us and it can be for you too. I hope all works out well for you.

Thank you We are taking it so slow right now that turtles are passing us! lol We did go to the cook out (drove separately) and will most likely avoid those types of things at least for a while. He has been to my house since then and we have been on dates and talked on the phone, but I will not go to his house around his children at this time. I don't want his ex to think that she has any right to approach me in any way. She too likes to contact me after a day of drinking.

I fully intend to continue dating him for now and I will take it as it comes. At this point, I'm just glad that his ex seems to be settling down (probably the attorney and restraining orders, but still, if it works, great) and realizing that she is not getting her way with this one.

June 23, 2014

Also, please remember, these are young adult children. The youngest is 15 - they are not babies and they are very intelligent and insightful young adults. I really don't worry about their adjustment or ability to handle adversity considering what they've already been through. I'm not discounting your concerns, but I think many here are underestimating young adults. I would obviously think differently if the youngest was 5.

Do you have kids of your own, Amy?

June 23, 2014

Completely wrong.

I am divorced and my ex-H and I co-parent VERY closely which is why our kids are doing very well and are not screwed up (in my opinion). We even signed a contract that we will live in the same neighborhood until the last child is 18 years of age. This way they don't even have to give up their neighborhood friends. If not for that contract I would be out of here with skid marks, but my kids are more important.

There is EVERY NEED for divorced ex-spouses to communicate regarding their children together.

And yes, whoever ends up with the spouse will have to interact with the ex because the children are always a priority, adults or not.

How old are your children though? His kids are almost grown. They have very busy lives that do not include their parents. His youngest will be driving soon and after that, who knows how much they will even be seeing them since they are all very involved in athletics and academics and have friends and very active and full social lives. They don't need to be tethered to each other for these kids to be successful. they haven't been tethered to each other for years and the kids are doing great. No offense, but if your children aren't very young, then what you describe seems very inappropriate to me for a divorced couple. I find that many people try to use the kids to keep contact with their ex spouse, and my exMM has absolutely NO desire for this. Yet I have no doubts that he will parent well separately from his ex wife.

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