The divorce is finally final!

June 21, 2014

Just an update for those interested, and maybe a question or two! The divorce was finally finalized this past week. All the loose ends tied up. ExMM was awarded full physical custody of the kids, and his ex wife gets only supervised visits for some time (if the kids want to they are old enough in our state to say no) until she can prove that she can not act like a loon around them or put them in danger. So far none of the kids want contact with her at all but hopefully they will heal and that will change.

ExMM is like a new man. He is getting the house back too since he will have physical custody of the kids. The kids are so ready to move back into their house with their Dad. ExMM has had a huge albatross lifted off his neck and I swear he is even walking lighter these days!

I spent Father's Day at his house with him and his kids and a few other people. We had a cook out and it was just simple and nice and so drama free. His ex wife didn't try to crash it and make a scene which was a concern of everyone there. She did try to call me a couple of times, late at night and would probably claim to have been drunk again. I simply took my phone to the police station and showed them the call log and they took reports since I still have the restraining order. I think she maybe has finally learned her lesson and will now conduct herself like an adult. I hope so anyways.

ExMM's youngest daughter has been encouraging him to date me since the cook out. She and her siblings all told him that they really like me and that I am "not psycho like Mom" and comment to him constantly about how happy he is and how happy he was around me when I was there. I am hopeful that we can move forward and as he and I navigate these new waters that it is a smooth transition into the life he and his children deserve but have been denied all these years.

She has 30 days to vacate the house and he and the kids will move back into it. He and I are talking here and there, taking it very slowly, and I intend to keep going slowly even though he is free and clear now even legally.

The kids invited me to swim at their house in their pool when they move back in. They are wanting to have a going back home party and begged me to attend. I want to, I really like his kids. I am 50/50 on whether or not I should/shouldn't go. I am leaning towards going, my only concern is that the ex will show up since this will be her old house and her children are involved. Would you guys go? It won't be for a month at least and it's been almost a year since they separated but as we all know, his ex has some serious clinger issues.

Thank you to all who gave me support and advice. I'm so excited for exMM and his children and yes, myself. Sometimes things fall apart so something else can fall into place.

June 21, 2014

Just an update for those interested, and maybe a question or two! The divorce was finally finalized this past week. All the loose ends tied up. ExMM was awarded full physical custody of the kids, and his ex wife gets only supervised visits for some time (if the kids want to they are old enough in our state to say no) until she can prove that she can not act like a loon around them or put them in danger. So far none of the kids want contact with her at all but hopefully they will heal and that will change.

ExMM is like a new man. He is getting the house back too since he will have physical custody of the kids. The kids are so ready to move back into their house with their Dad. ExMM has had a huge albatross lifted off his neck and I swear he is even walking lighter these days!

I spent Father's Day at his house with him and his kids and a few other people. We had a cook out and it was just simple and nice and so drama free. His ex wife didn't try to crash it and make a scene which was a concern of everyone there. She did try to call me a couple of times, late at night and would probably claim to have been drunk again. I simply took my phone to the police station and showed them the call log and they took reports since I still have the restraining order. I think she maybe has finally learned her lesson and will now conduct herself like an adult. I hope so anyways.

ExMM's youngest daughter has been encouraging him to date me since the cook out. She and her siblings all told him that they really like me and that I am "not psycho like Mom" and comment to him constantly about how happy he is and how happy he was around me when I was there. I am hopeful that we can move forward and as he and I navigate these new waters that it is a smooth transition into the life he and his children deserve but have been denied all these years.

She has 30 days to vacate the house and he and the kids will move back into it. He and I are talking here and there, taking it very slowly, and I intend to keep going slowly even though he is free and clear now even legally.

The kids invited me to swim at their house in their pool when they move back in. They are wanting to have a going back home party and begged me to attend. I want to, I really like his kids. I am 50/50 on whether or not I should/shouldn't go. I am leaning towards going, my only concern is that the ex will show up since this will be her old house and her children are involved. Would you guys go? It won't be for a month at least and it's been almost a year since they separated but as we all know, his ex has some serious clinger issues.

Thank you to all who gave me support and advice. I'm so excited for exMM and his children and yes, myself. Sometimes things fall apart so something else can fall into place.

Great news!

On the issue of him and his kids moving back into their home (after she vacates): we had something similar. My H and his kids had moved out of the house they had lived in with the BW, which she lived in for a year before handing it back to them as part of the D. We spent about six months making it habitable after she left, before we moved back. So I'd recommend the following:

Change all the locks. All of them, even sheds / outbuildings. When we go away, our neighbours often notice his XW poking about, and we return to petty theft or vandalism, even all these years later. Silly things, like loosening the fittings on garden furniture (resulting in his frail elderly mother having a nasty accident), or stealing plants from the garden, or odd pieces from the firepit.

Let all the neighbours, as well as the post person, dustmen, meter reader etc know that she no longer lives there, no longer has any business there, and has a RO against her. They will wonder what the situation is, especially if - like H's XW - she struggles to move on, and hangs about up to no good.

Let the kids have free reign on redesigning their space to a "post-psychoMom" space, to signal the new phase, and allow yourselves to develop new practices rather than allowing the spaces to script your behaviours according to their old habits. This could be as simple as switching the function of certain rooms - repurposing an old study as a lounge space, and using a guest room as a study, etc. new furniture and fittings, etc also help.

Allow the kids to set the pace on your R with them, but don't form too intense attachments with them that outstrip the pace f your R with him. You may like his kids, may welcome their overtures of friendship - and they may be really keen to install you in their father's life to head off the possibility of a return of psychoMom - but if you develop really close links with them, it will be more difficult to take things slowly with him, and you'll be inclined to overlook reservations about him because of the halo effect. What you don't want, is to build a close R with them which has to end because you decide not to follow through with him - leaving them "betrayed".

Take things with him at he speed that feels comfortable to you. It's not a brand new dating R - you've had a R with him, and it will seem natural to pick things up where you left off. But remember the issues that were unresolved - your concerns about him lying to you, for example - that you need to be sure you've addressed to your satisfaction before you take things to a "next level". It wasn't just the XW standing in the way of your R - it was also your reservations, and until you're comfortable that those are resolved to your satisfaction, he needs to understand that it's not yet "all systems go".

Good luck - I hope the next phase happens as smoothly as this last phase seems to have gone.

June 21, 2014

As an OW whose mm has Divorced his bs I am happy that everything is all wrapped up in terms of drama. It does all sound a little bit to good to be true.

June 21, 2014

Just take things slowly. Even though their kids seem to have embraced you and right now aren't fond of their mom, that could change at anytime and they could become very protective of her as she gets better in the future. Don't try to replace her, that isn't fair to the kids. It's too soon.

Good luck and I hope things settle down for everybody.

June 21, 2014

As an OW whose mm has Divorced his bs I am happy that everything is all wrapped up in terms of drama. It does all sound a little bit to good to be true.

I agree. It sounds a bit too wrapped up and resolved.

The part that hit me is where the child said you are not "psycho like mom". That is both sad and disturbing. Where did that child get the word "psycho" to describe her mom? She should be discouraged to think that way about her mom, no matter what has gone on. This is her mother we are talking about. The fact that she is using the same (very insulting) word to describe her mother as you and her father are using is... disturbing at best.

June 21, 2014

Great news!

On the issue of him and his kids moving back into their home (after she vacates): we had something similar. My H and his kids had moved out of the house they had lived in with the BW, which she lived in for a year before handing it back to them as part of the D. We spent about six months making it habitable after she left, before we moved back. So I'd recommend the following:

Change all the locks. All of them, even sheds / outbuildings. When we go away, our neighbours often notice his XW poking about, and we return to petty theft or vandalism, even all these years later. Silly things, like loosening the fittings on garden furniture (resulting in his frail elderly mother having a nasty accident), or stealing plants from the garden, or odd pieces from the firepit.

Let all the neighbours, as well as the post person, dustmen, meter reader etc know that she no longer lives there, no longer has any business there, and has a RO against her. They will wonder what the situation is, especially if - like H's XW - she struggles to move on, and hangs about up to no good.

Let the kids have free reign on redesigning their space to a "post-psychoMom" space, to signal the new phase, and allow yourselves to develop new practices rather than allowing the spaces to script your behaviours according to their old habits. This could be as simple as switching the function of certain rooms - repurposing an old study as a lounge space, and using a guest room as a study, etc. new furniture and fittings, etc also help.

Allow the kids to set the pace on your R with them, but don't form too intense attachments with them that outstrip the pace f your R with him. You may like his kids, may welcome their overtures of friendship - and they may be really keen to install you in their father's life to head off the possibility of a return of psychoMom - but if you develop really close links with them, it will be more difficult to take things slowly with him, and you'll be inclined to overlook reservations about him because of the halo effect. What you don't want, is to build a close R with them which has to end because you decide not to follow through with him - leaving them "betrayed".

Take things with him at he speed that feels comfortable to you. It's not a brand new dating R - you've had a R with him, and it will seem natural to pick things up where you left off. But remember the issues that were unresolved - your concerns about him lying to you, for example - that you need to be sure you've addressed to your satisfaction before you take things to a "next level". It wasn't just the XW standing in the way of your R - it was also your reservations, and until you're comfortable that those are resolved to your satisfaction, he needs to understand that it's not yet "all systems go".

Good luck - I hope the next phase happens as smoothly as this last phase seems to have gone.

I don't have any intentions of having anything to do with the house he and his children will live in, but thank you for this. I will pass on the tips to him. The only thing I'm even considering is going over for a pool party once they are re-established back in their home - I'm not staying over, visiting there otherwise, or hanging out there. I have my own house and pool and am quite content to be here, lol. I do want to go to the pool party but other than that I have no plans to start inserting myself into their lives.

I know what you mean about getting attached to the kids. I really do like them, especially his youngest who seems to be really reaching out to me. She is in need of a strong female role model I think and that is why she is pushing her Dad and trying to speed this up. We aren't going nearly fast enough for her! But, I have spoken frankly with her and let her know that he and I are taking it slowly so that we can form a solid relationship and that if it happens, it will be in time and carefully constructed. She is just a teenager, impatient and ready for things to situate, which is understandable.

Thank you again for this. I am just so glad that his ex wife has started to act like an adult instead of a crazed lunatic and am hopeful that it will continue, but am very leery of her future actions considering her past behaviors!

June 21, 2014

As an OW whose mm has Divorced his bs I am happy that everything is all wrapped up in terms of drama. It does all sound a little bit to good to be true.

I know. I am nervous still that his ex will start up the drama she seems to love so much any time now. But so far it has been fairly quiet which I am extremely thankful for. I honestly think that it has a lot to do with her children distancing from her because of her behaviors that has made her rethink them perhaps and tone it down. I'm hopeful that it's permanent but not naive enough to believe that it's completely done, at least not yet.

June 21, 2014

Just take things slowly. Even though their kids seem to have embraced you and right now aren't fond of their mom, that could change at anytime and they could become very protective of her as she gets better in the future. Don't try to replace her, that isn't fair to the kids. It's too soon.

Good luck and I hope things settle down for everybody.

I agree. I have no intention of trying to replace their mother. They are practically grown and obviously have their own thoughts and feelings and aren't afraid to express them. I hope that their view of their mother changes eventually and it seems likely that it will if she continues to maintain herself as an adult and continues to not pull the dramatic stunts she seems prone to. I think that she is finally realizing that the only thing making her kids not want to be around her is her own choices and behaviors. I know that the youngest told her quite frankly that she was acting like a psycho, and I think that this snapped her back to reality a little bit. She probably thinks that he and I are telling them that, but these aren't five year olds and are quite capable of viewing behaviors realistically. Hopefully she will continue to conduct herself appropriately and she and the kids can mend the damage she has done to them and their relationships.

June 21, 2014

To save on thread space, I'll link to this post to remind members of the rules here. I've noted it does cut down on the non-conforming responses so will use it more often moving forward. Have a good weekend!

June 21, 2014

I agree. It sounds a bit too wrapped up and resolved.

The part that hit me is where the child said you are not "psycho like mom". That is both sad and disturbing. Where did that child get the word "psycho" to describe her mom? She should be discouraged to think that way about her mom, no matter what has gone on. This is her mother we are talking about. The fact that she is using the same (very insulting) word to describe her mother as you and her father are using is... disturbing at best.

I don't call her psycho in front of them, and neither does he. We do not speak of her in front of them period. They are older children and have their own thoughts and opinions and have been witness to her outbursts, these are their very own observations, not mine or his. I certainly know better than to discuss their mother in front of them in deragatory terms as does he.

In case you haven't been around teenagers lately, "psycho" is quite a common word. She also said "cray cray" - you know, teenager lingo. She didn't need it fed to her, it's her own opinion after living with the woman for 15 years. Just because someone is your Mom doesn't meant that you can't see their faults and call them out accordingly when they act "psycho".

She has a lot of repair to do with her relationships with her children. That is completely on her and it's her work to do, not mine or his. He has a great relationship with his children and has behaved as a father should behave. She has chosen to act like a jealous teenager and in response, her actual teenaged children are embarrassed of and for her. That's her issue and nobody to blame but herself. It doesn't help that the kid's friends and peers have witnessed the behaviors too and the kids took some teasing about it. That has caused a lot of anger at their mother, especially for the youngest one. She is at an age where peer acceptance means a lot and her mother has caused her agony in that regard. Her anger and frustration with her mother is well justified imo.

June 21, 2014

I don't call her psycho in front of them, and neither does he. We do not speak of her in front of them period. They are older children and have their own thoughts and opinions and have been witness to her outbursts, these are their very own observations, not mine or his. I certainly know better than to discuss their mother in front of them in deragatory terms as does he.

In case you haven't been around teenagers lately, "psycho" is quite a common word. She also said "cray cray" - you know, teenager lingo. She didn't need it fed to her, it's her own opinion after living with the woman for 15 years. Just because someone is your Mom doesn't meant that you can't see their faults and call them out accordingly when they act "psycho".

She has a lot of repair to do with her relationships with her children. That is completely on her and it's her work to do, not mine or his. He has a great relationship with his children and has behaved as a father should behave. She has chosen to act like a jealous teenager and in response, her actual teenaged children are embarrassed of and for her. That's her issue and nobody to blame but herself. It doesn't help that the kid's friends and peers have witnessed the behaviors too and the kids took some teasing about it. That has caused a lot of anger at their mother, especially for the youngest one. She is at an age where peer acceptance means a lot and her mother has caused her agony in that regard. Her anger and frustration with her mother is well justified imo.

I am single mom to 3 teenagers, so believe me, I get the lingo.

I also realize that her behavior has not been optimal. I guess I am just into kids respecting their parents. If my child had said that about my spouse - no matter what had gone on - I would not allow the child to say such things and instead talk to them about why it is inappropriate. In this case their mom has made mistakes but she has gone through a terrible time and still loves her kids. The kids need to know and respect that - they may be teenagers but they aren't adults yet.

In any event from your reply you are respecting that from your end, so that's good. I truly hope it all works out for everyone.

June 21, 2014

I agree with changing the locks...even the garage door opener access code.

First on the list though - is to sage/smudge the entire house to clear the energy in the home - then give the house a proper blessing...which helps in "new beginnings".

June 21, 2014

I agree. It sounds a bit too wrapped up and resolved.

The part that hit me is where the child said you are not "psycho like mom". That is both sad and disturbing. Where did that child get the word "psycho" to describe her mom? She should be discouraged to think that way about her mom, no matter what has gone on. This is her mother we are talking about. The fact that she is using the same (very insulting) word to describe her mother as you and her father are using is... disturbing at best.

I agree and pardon if I'm mistaken because I haven't read all of your responses to the other posters yet, amybamy.

No matter what happened between you and his stbxw you should diffuse the children from speaking that way about their Mom. My xH's family always trashed me to the kids, but since I didn't trash him to them, they respected me and were able to distinguish between the two.

Not trying to be harsh, just providing some insights based on experience.

I hope all works out well. Tread carefully and make sure he deals with his issues that caused the situation in the first place. I would seek counseling for the two of you should you decide to date. Better to be transparent moving forward.

June 21, 2014

Ignore my last post. You answered very eloquently. You sound very grounded and level headed. Good luck!

June 21, 2014

I agree. I have no intention of trying to replace their mother. They are practically grown and obviously have their own thoughts and feelings and aren't afraid to express them. I hope that their view of their mother changes eventually and it seems likely that it will if she continues to maintain herself as an adult and continues to not pull the dramatic stunts she seems prone to. I think that she is finally realizing that the only thing making her kids not want to be around her is her own choices and behaviors. I know that the youngest told her quite frankly that she was acting like a psycho, and I think that this snapped her back to reality a little bit. She probably thinks that he and I are telling them that, but these aren't five year olds and are quite capable of viewing behaviors realistically. Hopefully she will continue to conduct herself appropriately and she and the kids can mend the damage she has done to them and their relationships.

You can be a positive influence, continue to let their kids know that their mom does love them and when she gets help, fixes herself and becomes sober, she'll be in their lives again in a good way and in a healthy way. They still love their mom. Don't talk bad about her around them cuz if you do, one day that will come back and bite you when their mom does get better and they rebuild their relationship with her...They might make you out to be the bad guy and in turn make your R with their dad much tougher than you'd like.

Thank you again for this. I am just so glad that his ex wife has started to act like an adult instead of a crazed lunatic and am hopeful that it will continue, but am very leery of her future actions considering her past behaviors!

And with that, know that at some point in the past, he loved her, married her and had children with her. Their marriage and life wasn't always unhappy and messed up. She is an addict and has mental health issues, which is why she has acted and reacted the way she has. Making fun of her, calling her names etc, has to stop. She needs professional help and support. He helped too, create this mess, so not all of it is on her. Her life fell apart, yes by choice due to her addictions but he hasn't treated her fairly or well either so he added stress and made the situation worse by having an A with you and cheating on her.

June 21, 2014

Sounds like a great beginning.

I disagree about children needing to be respectful and their parent "talked up" no matter what. My ex was an abusive ass and I'm not going to make excuses for him. I don't want them to EVER think that what he did was okay, because it wasn't. I don't want them to have children later and think that is the way to take care of children. I wouldn't bad mouth their mom, but I wouldn't talk her up or reprimand them if they spoke the truth.

Respect is earned and it can be lost. That goes for adults and children.

June 21, 2014

Sounds like a great beginning.

I disagree about children needing to be respectful and their parent "talked up" no matter what. My ex was an abusive ass and I'm not going to make excuses for him. I don't want them to EVER think that what he did was okay, because it wasn't. I don't want them to have children later and think that is the way to take care of children. I wouldn't bad mouth their mom, but I wouldn't talk her up or reprimand them if they spoke the truth.

Respect is earned and it can be lost. That goes for adults and children.

I personally didn't say 'talk her up' or to reprimand anyone. Certainly you don't tell kids that abuse is okay.

However, calling her psycho and crazy is not acceptable for anyone in the situation. The kids cannot fully understand all that has transpired (neither can we). In my opinion it should be explained to them in the way that WWIU said in her earlier post - that she is still their mom, she still loves them, she needs to get help and her behavior is because she isn't well. They need to realize that not all people who behave that way are bad people just trying to hurt others. They are old enough to hold empathy for the mom they still love.

In any event, a happy ending would be for her to get the help and then come back to her kids with loving strength. I hope for everyone's sake that she does.

June 22, 2014

I agree and pardon if I'm mistaken because I haven't read all of your responses to the other posters yet, amybamy.

No matter what happened between you and his stbxw you should diffuse the children from speaking that way about their Mom. My xH's family always trashed me to the kids, but since I didn't trash him to them, they respected me and were able to distinguish between the two.

Not trying to be harsh, just providing some insights based on experience.

I hope all works out well. Tread carefully and make sure he deals with his issues that caused the situation in the first place. I would seek counseling for the two of you should you decide to date. Better to be transparent moving forward.

I don't believe in suppressing children's expressions. I don't consider it rude or disrespectful for children - especially young adults - to express themselves to others, even adults. And, they are not my children, I will not correct them even though I won't engage in any "mom bashing" with them. And, how he parents his children is his business, not mine. I would never trash her to them, it's not my style anyway. And just for everyone's info, she does try to trash he and I to them and they don't want to hear it. I guess for them, they aren't that interested in adult matters that don't pertain to them. What they ARE interested in is the behaviors that are exhibited and do affect them, ie their mom's acting out in public and having the police called on her multiple times.

I don't know if they will ever have a relationship with her again. I'm not getting involved in that. The youngest one wants to talk to me all the time but she says very little about her mom to me. And when she does, it's not the main focus but more just a side note. And I'm not going to invalidate her feelings for her mom's sake, sorry, I'm just not - by telling her she shouldn't feel that way, or speak that way, or express that way. She at least isn't having tantrums in public with police involvement!

I do think that things will work out in the end. And I plan on continuing to take it slowly with him and with his children. I'm NOT moving into his house anytime soon, and they aren't moving into mine. We are perfectly content right now living separately as we are and seeing each other minimally for now.

June 22, 2014

You can be a positive influence, continue to let their kids know that their mom does love them and when she gets help, fixes herself and becomes sober, she'll be in their lives again in a good way and in a healthy way. They still love their mom. Don't talk bad about her around them cuz if you do, one day that will come back and bite you when their mom does get better and they rebuild their relationship with her...They might make you out to be the bad guy and in turn make your R with their dad much tougher than you'd like.

And with that, know that at some point in the past, he loved her, married her and had children with her. Their marriage and life wasn't always unhappy and messed up. Making fun of her, calling her names etc, has to stop. She needs professional help and support. He helped too, create this mess, so not all of it is on her. Her life fell apart, yes by choice due to her addictions but he hasn't treated her fairly or well either so he added stress and made the situation worse by having an A with you and cheating on her.

She doesn't have mental issues, or an addiction, she has behavior and choice problems when she doesn't get her way. I am speaking frankly about her here with pretty much certainty that his children don't read here. I am not speaking about her in front of them and neither is he, other than what has to be said and it's nothing deragatory about her.

She CHOOSES to act the way she acts so please don't try to make excuses for her or say that someone else made her act that way. That is classic abuse tactics "You MAKE me act this way" and it's blame shifting and nauseating.

June 22, 2014

I don't believe in suppressing children's expressions. I don't consider it rude or disrespectful for children - especially young adults - to express themselves to others, even adults. And, they are not my children, I will not correct them even though I won't engage in any "mom bashing" with them. And, how he parents his children is his business, not mine. I would never trash her to them, it's not my style anyway. And just for everyone's info, she does try to trash he and I to them and they don't want to hear it. I guess for them, they aren't that interested in adult matters that don't pertain to them. What they ARE interested in is the behaviors that are exhibited and do affect them, ie their mom's acting out in public and having the police called on her multiple times.

I don't know if they will ever have a relationship with her again. I'm not getting involved in that. The youngest one wants to talk to me all the time but she says very little about her mom to me. And when she does, it's not the main focus but more just a side note. And I'm not going to invalidate her feelings for her mom's sake, sorry, I'm just not - by telling her she shouldn't feel that way, or speak that way, or express that way. She at least isn't having tantrums in public with police involvement!

I do think that things will work out in the end. And I plan on continuing to take it slowly with him and with his children. I'm NOT moving into his house anytime soon, and they aren't moving into mine. We are perfectly content right now living separately as we are and seeing each other minimally for now.

You misunderstood my post and I followed up with clarification post. I never said to "suppress" their expressions. I would NEVER advocate that nor would I do it. What I meant by diffuse is to get them talking about how it makes them feel. I would NEVER EVER advocate that someone suppress kids feelings.

I posted a follow up telling you to ignore my original post anyway because I misunderstood your original post. Your original post kinda sounded like everyone was on a band-wagon parading around chanting "psycho Mom psycho Mom."

Good luck.

Edited June 22, 2014 by chelsea2011

June 22, 2014

I hope your exMM puts his children in therapy. I'll a share a little story with you. My teenaged stepdaughter's mom died last January because of a drug OD. She had a horrible relationship with her mom. She refused to talked to her, called her psycho, etc. Now that her mom is gone, she feels so much guilt about her bad relationship with her mom. Now she wishes that she would have talked to her. We have her in therapy, but she still struggles. You never know what's going to happen in life. No matter how awful our parents can be they are still our parents. I wish everyone the best, especially those precious children. Teenagers are stubborn and don't understand things quite yet. I disagree that you and your exMM shouldn't encouraged them to talk to their mom.

June 22, 2014

Yes, if the kids relationship with their mother is that damaged then they are going to need a lot of help. Just calling the mother psycho and then refusing to talk to her or about her is not going to cut the mustard.

Has the mother always been volatile or has she just recently become unstable? In either case I would say it sounds like a mental issue. No mother truly wants to lose their sh*t to the point that they are being arrested and losing their kids. A mentally and emotionally healthy woman would never choose that. The mom needs professional help and so do the kids.

June 22, 2014

I agree with Annika. My stepdaughter's mom was mentally ill. When she would say I don't want to talk to my mom because she acts crazy and yells at me, we would tell her, "Sweetie, she's not all there emotionally, you need to at least try." Now my poor girl wishes she would have listened to us.

OP, does his children know that he lied to you about being married? Do they know about the affair? If they don't than there's a lot of hypocrisy going on. You sound so boastful about the wife not seeing her children. Maybe you didn't mean to come across that way, but it all seems a bit cold and heartless. You stated that it's none of your business how he deals with his kids. However, if you are planning on dating him than it WILL be your business. I have feeling it's all going to get worst before it gets better. If I were you, I would run for the hills, but to each their own.

June 22, 2014

Yes, if the kids relationship with their mother is that damaged then they are going to need a lot of help. Just calling the mother psycho and then refusing to talk to her or about her is not going to cut the mustard.

Has the mother always been volatile or has she just recently become unstable? In either case I would say it sounds like a mental issue. No mother truly wants to lose their sh*t to the point that they are being arrested and losing their kids. A mentally and emotionally healthy woman would never choose that. The mom needs professional help and so do the kids.

She has always been angry when she doesn't get her way, and throws tantrums. So, the entire family has walked on eggshells for years to avoid pushing her into a tantrum, the kids included. They are all walking around now with a few hundred less pounds of weight on their shoulders since she does not have access to them bc they can breathe and don't have to worry about setting her off. She doesn't have mental health needs, she has an attitude and entitlement problem.

June 22, 2014

I agree with Annika. My stepdaughter's mom was mentally ill. When she would say I don't want to talk to my mom because she acts crazy and yells at me, we would tell her, "Sweetie, she's not all there emotionally, you need to at least try." Now my poor girl wishes she would have listened to us.

OP, does his children know that he lied to you about being married? Do they know about the affair? If they don't than there's a lot of hypocrisy going on. You sound so boastful about the wife not seeing her children. Maybe you didn't mean to come across that way, but it all seems a bit cold and heartless. You stated that it's none of your business how he deals with his kids. However, if you are planning on dating him than it WILL be your business. I have feeling it's all going to get worst before it gets better. If I were you, I would run for the hills, but to each their own.

They are not my children and I will not guide them at this point in time. I am DATING him, not marrying him or living with him or co-parenting with him. We are keeping it very casual and low key right now, and I have nowhere near a relationship with his children to try to parent them in any way, it's not my place at all. And how he chooses to parent them is not my business, nor is it something I'm going to interfere with - they don't live with me, it doesn't affect me, and it's just not my place. If our relationship progresses and I become a parental figure to them, I will cross that bridge when we get there - IF we get there, considering they are practically grown, I doubt that will ever come about.

Yes, they know about the "affair", she was sure to tell them all about it. They actually understand why their father chose that. Remember they have lived under this woman's tyrrany for years too. In just the few weeks since they were removed from her and placed with their father (what they wanted anyway when asked) I think that they have gotten some perspective on how bad it really was now that they have the contrast to compare.

It amazes me the lengths that some of you are willing to go to excuse her behaviors, yet cling to vilifying him for his behaviors. It comes off as very personal for some of you and obviously biased. And to blame a victim of abuse for his abuser's behaviors and actions is astoundingly mind boggling - would you bend over this much that way if the situation was reversed and he had abused her for years and years by tantrumming to get his way?

Her behaviors are inexcusable. Her treatment of those she supposedly "loves" are horrid and abusive and manipulative. The fact that he and his children suffered this for all these years and are now being expected to appease their abuser seems so out of tune for me that I can't even get my head around it! Why? Why are some of you so hell bent on excusing her? Does personal accountability only apply to those that break YOUR self imposed rules or everyone? He has broken no laws - she has, yet, some of you clamour to excuse her and blame him for her actions? If he is to blame for her years of tyrrany, then she is to blame for his actions of an affair. You can't have it both ways, this is the real world, not self righteous fantasy land.

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