marycc Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 (edited) So, basically we have been dating for 6 months, we are both 21, and I'm very insecure. In my last relationship, my boyfriend abused me psychologically and hit me once. My dad used to beat on my mom when I was a kid and cheatted on her several times, so I think that's why I have a low self-esteem and I'm always doubting about everyone's intentions with me, and I honestly try to control it, but sometimes it's inevitablle. Last night me and my boyfriend had our first "serious fight". He told me he felt that I was getting distant and asked me to tell him what was going on, so I eventually told him what was bothering me, and suddenly he started to scream and made me feel like I was really bothering him, but the worst part is that he reminded me of my ex-boyfriend (whom turned out to be a really agressive person), I felt really "small", and I told him that his attitude was making me feel bad about myself. He apologized, told me he had been working all day and was really tired, and that's why he acted that way. Then, today, we were talking and he told me he was on the phone venting to his mother and that he started to cry while talking to her because he has been under a lot of stress...and I told him that I hope his mother stills appreciating me after knowing that I made him lose sleep last night because we were fighting, and he said "Oh, no, I didn't tell my mom about what happened", then I told him he could be honest with me, that it's normal to talk about his mother about that stuff...and he said "Ok, I told her about us, but she stills like you!". I also got mad because of that, I mean, if I didn't ask him a second time to be honest with me, basically he would be lying to me, because the first time he said he didn't talk to her about what happened with us, he didn't trust me right away. If he lies to me about something "small" like this, I believe that he may hide other things from me...and I've always told him I want to be with someone who is 100% honest with me, because of my past, but with this attitude, it seems like he doesn't listen. So, the fact that e screamed at me and that he lied to me today is making me really insecure about this relationship, I'm so afraid that he will turn out to be just like my ex, I'm so afraid to get hurt (I'm already feeling hurt, to be honest)... or maybe I'm over-reacting, I really don't know, that's why I'm asking for honest opinions. Thank you guys once again Edited June 21, 2014 by marycc
MikeyBe Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Think I read about 50 red flags in there op all over the place; not just about your relationship either. Last night me and my boyfriend had our first "serious fight". He told me he felt that I was getting distant and asked me to tell him what was going on, so I eventually told him what was bothering me, and suddenly he started to scream and made me feel like I was really bothering him, [...] Don't understand why he got upset in the first place. What was going on and why were you being distant?
Author marycc Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 Sorry about my english, it's not my native language. I was kinda distant because I was feeling insecure/jealous about a girl he used to have a crush on before we started dating, she was far away from him, so sometimes I think I was the "second option". This is why I was insecure (and we have talked about it before, but I still can't trust him completely, and now he's really starting to lie to me..)
preraph Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I'm sorry you grew up in an abusive household and then that made you attract an abusive boyfriend. It's true you may continue to attract abusers. It's kind of hard to explain but simple in a way. As a child you had to learn to cope with and "handle" and manage an abuser to your best advantage and least detriment. You had to learn to tolerate a lot of bad unacceptable behavior because you had no other choice but to tolerate it. Because of this there are probably little things you are tolerant about with men who have some of the same characteristics that let them know they can abuse you. A very simplified hypothetical example might be: I learned to sweet talk my dad when he was drunk and in a bad mood so he wouldn't go off on me. Then as you are with other men, you may to some degree do the same thing, which is only rewarding them for being drunk and obnoxious to begin with. You probably are blind to these little things you have learned to do that will let men with a lot of red flags close to you. On a less personal perspective, you are both very young. It's unlikely this will be a forever relationship. Cheating is more frequent with less mature people, in general. So it's not irrational to have fears about cheating, but don't let yourself try to stop them by trying to control and monitor them. That will only make them leave sooner and you will have created your worst fear by doing so. Because you've been through so much, I think you should seek some abuse counseling and let them educate you and hold the mirror up so you can see yourself more clearly. You could contact a women's shelter or hotline and ask them if they can recommend any free counseling to sort through your abuse issues. They can tell you many things to be wary of. If you are in some small place with no women's shelters, contact the police department and ask for a victim's advocate and just ask them if they can refer you to a good source. They often refer victims after a trauma. Talking to these people now before something else happens may well save your life sometime or keep you from spending it with an abuser. If you become uncomfortable with your present man and can't trust him not to become violent or he's verbally abusive, which it sounds like, you should consider being on your own for awhile and preparing yourself. Good luck. Put yourself first always.
Author marycc Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 Thank you for the responses. I'm seriously considering getting some help from a counselor... But what should I do now? Get away from him?
preraph Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 If you're uncomfortable, I wouldn't stay there. I don't know what all he was yelling at you, but if it seemed way over the top and seemed abusive to you, better to get out early rather than late. Verbal abuse is still abuse. I know it seems irrelevant to you at this time, but you are still young and have plenty of time to get some counseling to sort out these confusing childhood abuse issues and until then, it will be difficult to make a good choice and not accidentally attract a bad guy. Also, please remember that if you ended up pregnant by putting off leaving this guy or any other, then you're tied to them for live through the child -- and that's really bad if they're any type of abusive. I realize your options where to live may be limited. I would hate for you to go back home. I hope you have someone safe, a friend or relative, you can live with for awhile.
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Your insecurities are making this worse. It's not your fault but you have to fix it. Are you in therapy to overcome your childhood? Your BF told you what I would consider a "white lie". He was trying to spare your feelings. Although lying is never good, I'd look at the intentions behind this one. In a healthy relationship sometimes the 1st fight strengths the relationship. You learn where the hot buttons are & you learn to soothe the hurt when it happens. Him making you feel "small" was more on you then him. I don't like yelling either & have been known to shrink when DH is really angry, even if it has nothing to do with me. That said, you control your feelings.
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Last night me and my boyfriend had our first "serious fight". He told me he felt that I was getting distant and asked me to tell him what was going on, so I eventually told him what was bothering me, I would like to point this to you. Your boyfriend asked you what was the matter and you did not answer right away. When you say you 'eventually' told him it sounds like you gave him a hard time, maybe you first told him nothing was the matter? SO, looks like you also lied to him when he first asked you. You want honesty and and openness on the first time around but you don't offer it to him, that's a big double standard. I don't think it's a big red flag, I think it's a yellow flag that you and him need to discuss what is the best way to solve your disagreements. No voice raising, you take time out and talk about things when things have cooled down.
Elle1975 Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Sorry about my english, it's not my native language. I was kinda distant because I was feeling insecure/jealous about a girl he used to have a crush on before we started dating, she was far away from him, so sometimes I think I was the "second option". This is why I was insecure (and we have talked about it before, but I still can't trust him completely, and now he's really starting to lie to me..) First off, if you have insecurity issues stemming from abuse, work on fixing them. If you don't fix them, you will become the abuser, justifying your actions by saying "it's not my fault." So, here is what I understand. You became jealous because of his old crush. You fed him the silence treatment. Finally you spitted out the truth, which led to a fight. If the silence treatment (or the "nothing.." kind of answer) is what you served him, then it's a controlling behavior on your part, and that's a no-no. You probably want to sit down next time and talk it though calmly. I feel communication goes both ways. If you want someone to be honest, act the same way. Don't be passive aggressive. Also, when they do tell you the truth, your reaction will do a lot reguarding their future behavior in that chapter. If you explode in his face, chances are he will eventually walk away, or will stop being truthful with you. I will also add that you can't be keeping tabs on everything he does. Give the guy some healthy slacks. You aren't honest yourself if you don't discuss it with him and just bottle up everything - which will led to another fight.
Author marycc Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 Now he told me he told his mother that I couldn't trust him, and why, and that it made him feel bad, and his mother said she thinks he should break up with me... so now I feel like I don't even have the courage to talk to her again, I think that if she really liked me (it seemed like it), she could even try to help us...
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 A mother will always have her child's best interest at heart. She may like you very much but she doesn't want to see her son in pain. You are his girlfriend of 6 months, not his wife. It's normal for her to suggest he breaks up, I would have told my daughter the same. Dating is to find someone compatible, not to work on someone's personal problems. Her son confines in her, she knows your history, after 6 months you shouldn't be having 'problems to work on', if you do it means you won't make it long term so better end it now. Sounds you have your share of insecurities and dysfunctions keeping you from having a balanced relationship. You need to work on those personally.
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Now he told me he told his mother that I couldn't trust him, and why, and that it made him feel bad, and his mother said she thinks he should break up with me... so now I feel like I don't even have the courage to talk to her again, I think that if she really liked me (it seemed like it), she could even try to help us... Understand something about mothers. they will always & forever be on the side of their own flesh & blood. If a mother thinks that somebody is hurting their child or even not making things as easy as possible for their baby, the mother will pick the child & encourage the end of the relationship. The mother isn't there to play relationship counselor. If you want the relationship to work, make it work. Show him that you care. work on the issues that make you fearful. If he's happy, mom will be happy.
ThorntonMelon Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Too much damn drama. Relationships don't need all that fighting and crying and talking to mom. I'd get out, and spend 6 months single and in counseling. Date without any expectation. Enjoy your life, this doesn't sound enjoyable. It sounds like work. You shouldn't have to feel second fiddle to anyone, even if it's your insecurities at play.
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