chizuki Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Hi everyone, thank you for taking the time in reading my situation. My ex?boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. Around half way into it, he met a girl who is a lesbian and they became very close friends. He eventually developed feelings for her, and after we hit 4 years together in total, he left me because he felt guilty for emotionally cheating even though they can never date. However we still kept in contact everyday and eventually recognized each other as boyfriend and girlfriend again which took over a year to do (as well as some other factors that lead to our break-up which we eventually worked out). During the year we tried to patch things up, i was under the impression that he had cut off all contact with her as he claimed to have done. However, I was suspicious and he gave me access to his email for a one-time use to help him send an email for him. I was about to log out, but I wanted to check the last date he talked to her. When i typed her name in, there were a lot of emails that had only stopped 3 months ago. Instead of the whole year of not talking to her like I thought when we were recovering, he only stopped 3 months ago. He knows I checked, and can`t even blame me for doing so because he`s been so dishonest about her. During that year, he said he loved her several times through their online talks when they would say bye. He went over to her house twice, once because she wanted to show off the new place she just moved into and a second time to fix her graphics card. And there were a few other occasions where he saw her without telling me. The main issue I had was with how he kept this all a secret, told her he loved her and called her cute names, and how this has all been happening behind my back when we were recovering our relationship. It was also a huge blow because he`s always been very protective of me being alone with any guy, and I`ve always respected his wish on that. He talked to her once a week online when they both worked night shift on the same day. What kills is how he talked to her while I`d stay up to keep him company on the phone during his one night shift every week. They`d also text now and then. He knew how much I`ve been hurt over this situation, and how much it came in between us. When I confronted him about it over the phone and I couldn`t hold back crying, he started crying uncontrollably as well and even had to go throw up. He says that he had wanted to cut contact with her the whole time and felt relief when he finally did, and how it took him 9 months to do instead of right away. He also said that because we`ve been together for so long, he was afraid he settled down too quickly and missed out on opportunities but he grew out of that phase and he couldn`t imagine a future without me. He had promised to never cheat on me again, and he seemed the most legitimately apologetic and guilty than I`ve ever seen him. He told me that a part of him liked her, and a part of him saw her as a parasite. He says that even if she was straight, she wouldn`t be someone he`d actually date (he`s mentioned this before as well). I surely do not blame him for his feelings, but i certainly blame him for his actions that were done behind my back while we were together. Sometimes I blame myself for staying in contact with him when I knew his feelings were confused. I don`t know. I found that these last few months have been the best we`ve ever had together, and now I see that it`s because he cut off contact with her. He keeps saying that he didn`t really love her, and I just can`t figure out if she was a different girl he was excited about because we were together for so long and that it was "okay" because she was a lesbian, or if he really did have legitimate feelings for her beyond friendship and he doesn`t want to admit it. I`m not sure what to do. The happiness I`ve had with him was still legitimate, though I feel like what we had is not special anymore. 3 months is a very short time to me and I just can`t shrug off all the times we had together prior to these 3 months when he finally cut off contact. He hasn`t even tried to defend himself, and sometimes it seems like he`s suffering more than i am about this situation. I do believe he is sincerely sorry, but I just don`t know if he`s even the type of person who I can trust again if he had kept this all a secret for so long, knowing how I felt about it. I know he loves me, but can you truly be in love with someone and still do what he did? Should I continue our relationship and try to trust he won`t cheat again? Thanks for reading, I`d really appreciate any input on this matter.
WhatYouWantToHear Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I know he loves me, but can you truly be in love with someone and still do what he did? Should I continue our relationship and try to trust he won`t cheat again? Yes, no. This obviously hurt you very much. So much so that you will never forget it, maybe never even forgive. I'm not judging you for that, I'm just saying this will always be with you while you are in this relationship. You can't fix trust. Your's is broken and will never be fixed, I suggest you move on.
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