gris Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 To the point: I tend to hone in on one thing for a long time. SO tends to get interested in something new and abandon the last project to the degree that friends and family members are like "Oh... that's what you're interested in now?" I'm really organized, so am a good coach in this regard. I help him with resumes (when he asks) and make sure he gets places on time and help him focus on tasks. I'm pursuing grad degree, BF has no degree. I couldn't care less, but I'm wondering if this paired with my oldest-child tendencies to "take over the reins," so to speak, could be threatening to him? He's developed this new hobby of calling people up (people who are pursuing certain degrees or have experience in certain areas), asking if they know something about some obscure topic that's tenuously related to their area of expertise, then proclaiming that he knows more than them and thus doesn't understand the point of school. Lately, he's begun doing this to me. He'll ask me a question, I'll answer, he'll shake his head and insinuate that I don't know what I'm talking about. Or he'll ask me something and await my response with "Well..." face as if waiting for me to slip up so he can say "That's not true." Today he mentions a term that he learned from a book he ordered after watching some lectures online and asks me if I know what it is. I say "No," he says "Weird. You didn't learn that in college?" and then talks about how some people at his work knew what it was when he asked them. This is driving me nuts. At first I thought it was a new love for learning, and now I'm just thinking it's some self-esteem rift. I have a hard time sounding kind when I'm annoyed so I've only pointed out my distaste for it indirectly. I want to point it out directly but I'm afraid I'll sound condescending and I don't want to attack his ego. I also tell him he's smart all the time (he is!), tell him he's witty and funny (he is!), am willing to engage him in discussion, think the world of his intelligence, and understand that he's more an ideas guy than a practical application type of guy. Any advice on how else to deal with this sudden Know-It-All behavior? Thanks kindly!
ktya Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Perhaps he feels threatened because you and your friends are all in university talking about school and topics related. I didnt get a degree and i found that several of my friends when in school qnd even years later got this condescending brainiac attitude about everything, even topics unrelated to their field of study. Maybe its not you or maybe it is but be mindful. Academia can be annoying to those outside of it. 2
Grumpybutfun Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 As a know it all myself, I can certainly tell you the exact right answer..... Jk jk Your bf feels insecure about not having a college degree and so he is trying to assuage his own ego. In your eagerness to help, have you tried to lecture or teach him a little too often? Maybe you need to sit down with him and tell him exactly what you told us. You can't walk on eggshells and he needs to know he is ok just as he is. Good luck, Grumps 3
preraph Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Oh, well, isn't he the tricky dick? Yes, he's feeling inferior and trying to prove to others and himself that he's not. In the process, he is merely proving himself inferior in a different way: by being an obnoxious dick. I'd hate to have to put up with that and anything you do will likely set him off. I think I'd at least try propping him up for a while and see if it satisfies this need any and makes him not feel so much the need to do it. As a teen daughter, at some point, I got the feeling my dad wasn't feeling too good about himself, was feeling a bit of a loser. My dad's strong point was automobiles, so I promptly had a mechanical car crisis I urgently needed his expertise on and in the process of him taking care of that, I endlessly picked his brain about other cars and their strengths and weaknesses and reminded him he knew more about cars than anyone I'd ever met, including most mechanics who did it for a living. My daddy was cheered up and chipper again in no time. Nearly everyone has some area of true expertise. Find his and ask him for advice and be grateful. If he really has none, at least ask him for guidance on some everyday matters that you'd "like his opinion on." Even if he knows nothing about it, you might tell him since he's become such the good researcher, he could research this for you. I'm not saying to keep up the "I'm stoopid" act, but there must be something that at least initially made him feel like he'd earned his way into your heart. Try to find that and remind him he's still valuable. See if it stop some of this crap he's pulling. But don't do it right after he pulls a stunt like that either. Don't reward bad behavior. Do it sometime when he's being nice. 1
Author gris Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 Entirely possible that I've been too "teachy." These are some helpful replies. Thanks, all! 1
todreaminblue Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Support him encourage him, be honest with him when he upsets you and help him find his feet in sticking to a project 1
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I dont think this is self esteem I had a similar thing with someone and it bugs me a little to this day.. self esteem he probably wouldnt say aything for risk of being seen as a fool (generally with low SE you dont say things even when you are sure you are right).. Id love to know what makes people do this as I have only come across one in my life that has acted like that x
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 (edited) Does he maybe have a problem with 'teachers' like those that are in eduction/studying to a higher degree? I know I do... my mother is a narccastist and a teacher (god shes probably damaged more kids than helped them!) my sister is also a narcassist and so are most teachers that you come across with a few exceptions (they generally flake out in the first couple of years as they cant "hack it" but the truth is they are only human whereas narcassists completely believe they are right at all times and will stamp over anyone and not care about anyones feelings) I do sometimes (sorry but I cant help myself!) make a point of 'out smarting' a teacher only because those kids cant as they manipulate, lie and god forbid the child (or anyone for that matter) dares to give a good counter argument and its "I cant deal with you when you are like this", "dont back chat me", "Im not continuing this conversation"... it kinda leaves a bad taste in your mouth and you cant help but get your own back... sad but true x Edited June 20, 2014 by HeartbrokenNewbie
Author gris Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 Does he maybe have a problem with 'teachers' like those that are in eduction/studying to a higher degree? I know I do... my mother is a narccastist and a teacher (god shes probably damaged more kids than helped them!) my sister is also a narcassist and so are most teachers that you come across with a few exceptions (they generally flake out in the first couple of years as they cant "hack it" but the truth is they are only human whereas narcassists completely believe they are right at all times and will stamp over anyone and not care about anyones feelings) I do sometimes (sorry but I cant help myself!) make a point of 'out smarting' a teacher only because those kids cant as they manipulate, lie and god forbid the child (or anyone for that matter) dares to give a good counter argument and its "I cant deal with you when you are like this", "dont back chat me", "Im not continuing this conversation"... if thats the case then good on him! lol x Thanks for the unique viewpoint! Funny... my mom's a teacher and I kind of borrowed some of her propensities, probably. I'm in education (not a teacher, though -- the ed technology route), and yes, he does do this. He has a crazy problem with authority and institutions. He comes from a family of salesmen and people who work to outsmart the status quo. I'm a military brat who thrives well in regimented environments. This is our fundamental difference, coupled with my introverted tendency to shut down and his extroverted tendency to "talk things out." I feel like I've been complaining about him a lot lately (mostly just in my head and on the internet), but our values are just so different. It's sad to think about, so I'm trying to find new ways to deal. I digress, sort of; I understand this "know-it-all" thing is a personality trait in some folks, so I'm aware I have to approach it thoughtfully. 1
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Thanks for the unique viewpoint! Funny... my mom's a teacher and I kind of borrowed some of her propensities, probably. I'm in education (not a teacher, though -- the ed technology route), and yes, he does do this. He has a crazy problem with authority and institutions. He comes from a family of salesmen and people who work to outsmart the status quo. I'm a military brat who thrives well in regimented environments. This is our fundamental difference, coupled with my introverted tendency to shut down and his extroverted tendency to "talk things out." I feel like I've been complaining about him a lot lately (mostly just in my head and on the internet), but our values are just so different. It's sad to think about, so I'm trying to find new ways to deal. I digress, sort of; I understand this "know-it-all" thing is a personality trait in some folks, so I'm aware I have to approach it thoughtfully. Ah okay that could make a lot of sense then.. I know you arent a teacher (this is not a dig a all teachers at all but teachers and authority figures are kind of the same thing.. in they are in a position of 'authority') it takes a certain type of person to take on these jobs (u have to be made of 'tough' stuff or alternatively be a narcassist lol) do you maybe sometimes talk to him as a 'teacher' or 'person in authority' this isnt necessarily your fault at all but more the way you have been brought up (jeez I have traits of my mum!) as that could be belittle him and maybe this is his way of proving he is just as smart or his way if saying "oh you're so smart why dont you know this" or even comically "wow you took 2 years to learn that, I done it in 2 minutes flat on the internet" lol kinda trying to bring them down a peg or two if they are getting up their own bottoms. Thats not a bad thing necessarily, awkward but not a bad thing as it would show he sees everyone as equals and cant stand those thinking they are above everyone x 1
Author gris Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 Ah okay that could make a lot of sense then.. I know you arent a teacher (this is not a dig a all teachers at all but teachers and authority figures are kind of the same thing.. in they are in a position of 'authority') it takes a certain type of person to take on these jobs (u have to be made of 'tough' stuff or alternatively be a narcassist lol) do you maybe sometimes talk to him as a 'teacher' or 'person in authority' this isnt necessarily your fault at all but more the way you have been brought up (jeez I have traits of my mum!) as that could be belittle him and maybe this is his way of proving he is just as smart or his way if saying "oh you're so smart why dont you know this" or even comically "wow you took 2 years to learn that, I done it in 2 minutes flat on the internet" lol kinda trying to bring them down a peg or two if they are getting up their own bottoms. Thats not a bad thing necessarily, awkward but not a bad thing as it would show he sees everyone as equals and cant stand those thinking they are above everyone x You got it! He thinks like this. It's possible I talk to him like he's a child. He mentioned it earlier on in our relationship (together three years), and I've made efforts to tone it down since. With that in mind, then, sounds like it's time for me to mention my issue to him and hope he makes the same efforts. Just gotta tread carefully with him about this; afraid to come off as if I actually do think I'm better. I really don't, and didn't even identify this as a real problem until he started trying to prove everyone dumb. Thanks for the words, HeartBrokenNewbie!
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 My ex's biggest gripe was that when he said sorry I would say "what are you sorry for?" he went mental one day and said he is not 5 years old!" I didnt actually realise how that would come across but my mum alway said it to me to make sure we "were clear" lol x
Smilecharmer Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I hate know it alls. It sounds like there are more discrepancies in your personalities and your life goals. Are you sure you want to be with someone who is so obviously in a different place than you?
Smilecharmer Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 My ex's biggest gripe was that when he said sorry I would say "what are you sorry for?" he went mental one day and said he is not 5 years old!" I didnt actually realise how that would come across but my mum alway said it to me to make sure we "were clear" lol x Yes, men love it when women mother them to death. 2
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 DONT talk to him about it whatever you do!! lol just let it go and when you have a discussion choose your words carefully... like (even if you know you are right) "oh yea thats a really good idea, lets try it your way first and then we will try mine" and smile or "oh wow babe thats excellent I wouldnt have thought of that" (even tho u are bursting to say "I could have told you that!!") lol) you kinda have to make him feel like him and his opinion are valued and like he made the choice but really you just coherced him. Men want to be the head of the family you must not take that away even if you have to humour him and stroke his ego xx
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Yes, men love it when women mother them to death. That might be why he left! lol! x 1
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I think thats why this struck a chord with me... I lost my RS over doing that, I didnt even realise I was doing it (it was normal talk to me) and I took everything from him made him feel so small but only because thats how Ive always been spoken too so would hate to see OP make the same mistakes as I did x 2
deathandtaxes Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Easy - you tell him if he tells you you're wrong one more time, his ass is out the door. That's direct, simple, and not condescending in the least. You have to be assertive and stand up for yourself. This 'hobby' of his just sounds like somebody being an *******. I mean, who the **** calls up people to tell them they're wrong? Sounds like he may have some personality issues, especially coupled with what you mentioned how he moves on from project to project. Don't take his bull****. 3
DArtagnan2 Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 it could also be little boy syndrome. Like "look ma what I learnt!" Trying to impress more then criticize you. 1
Author gris Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 Easy - you tell him if he tells you you're wrong one more time, his ass is out the door. That's direct, simple, and not condescending in the least. You have to be assertive and stand up for yourself. This 'hobby' of his just sounds like somebody being an *******. I mean, who the **** calls up people to tell them they're wrong? Sounds like he may have some personality issues, especially coupled with what you mentioned how he moves on from project to project. Don't take his bull****. I like your style, but I realize I should probably clarify the point about him calling people up, though it really doesn't help his case too much: The phonecalls are intended to be... or look like (that is, I can't tell if he can't tell if he's doing this or is trying to veil it in genuine curiosity) the sharing of knowledge with people who would appreciate said knowledge. He doesn't tell them they're wrong; he'll just ask them if they knew about something and then say, "OK, thanks, man." Then he gets off the phone and tells me about how there's no point in this person going to school, "So-and-So didn't even know what a So-and-So was and he goes to school for that!" And, in his defense, the moving from project to project has slowed substantially since our meeting. But I don't wanna be all "in his defense" about everything. I agree that I've gotta be more direct/assertive. I get sassy instead and communication gets confused so we start arguing about other things. I appreciate your straightforward advice. It's hard to have perspective when you're in love with someone.
Author gris Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 I hate know it alls. It sounds like there are more discrepancies in your personalities and your life goals. Are you sure you want to be with someone who is so obviously in a different place than you? That's a damn good question that I'm trying to figure out myself. These things take work and compromise, but how much effort should one reasonably put into "making it work"? I'm not sure if this is a question anyone can answer. There are lots of discrepancies, and I don't have my bearings straight. Not sure how many discrepancies becomes too many, and how much the benefits are allowed to outweigh the negatives. I love him and I'm trying to continue to love the one I'm with, because I've heard that's what you're supposed to do and this is my first relationship that has operated as anything other than abusive and toxic. We get along remarkably well most of the time. I don't know anyone else with as similar cultural backgrounds as we. Our senses of humor are the same. My family loves him and his me. He encourages me to improve myself but takes me as I am. There are lots of similarities in the way we think. He works hard and works to give me everything I want, and he compliments me all the time. Sex is great, he's attractive to me, he's committed and talks of marriage all the time. Neither our political nor religious views clash, and I can sit next to him for hours talking about nothing. I feel like a monster when that isn't enough.
DArtagnan2 Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I like your style, but I realize I should probably clarify the point about him calling people up, though it really doesn't help his case too much: The phonecalls are intended to be... or look like (that is, I can't tell if he can't tell if he's doing this or is trying to veil it in genuine curiosity) the sharing of knowledge with people who would appreciate said knowledge. He doesn't tell them they're wrong; he'll just ask them if they knew about something and then say, "OK, thanks, man." Then he gets off the phone and tells me about how there's no point in this person going to school, "So-and-So didn't even know what a So-and-So was and he goes to school for that!" And, in his defense, the moving from project to project has slowed substantially since our meeting. But I don't wanna be all "in his defense" about everything. I agree that I've gotta be more direct/assertive. I get sassy instead and communication gets confused so we start arguing about other things. I appreciate your straightforward advice. It's hard to have perspective when you're in love with someone. I think when he says that once he is off the phone, its just him trying to be sarcastically funny. But I guess its all in the tone. I know people who say that all the time. Even to me. Like if they ask me a question about something in the line of work I do, but I don't know the specifics, they'll be like what did you learn in school then? I'll be like, I guess that 100K didn't learn me much.
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