TazzieDomo Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Hi, well where do I start? I have been dating my boyfriend for the past eleven months and to be honest it has been up and down, when its up its really up but when its down it feels like the worst. We have had a few problems and I know that a lot of the recent one’s are to do with me, I have a problem letting things go especially this because it has hurt me quite a lot. I love him and I made the decision to stay with him that isn’t going to change in the foreseeable future however I do still have lingering feelings of hurt and depression. Most people say talk to him and I really wish that I could but emotionally he isn’t the most stable person, he has a lot of stress with his family and work so I don’t want to add to that and It is always the same when ever I do bring something up it is always the same “Why cant you let it go? Don’t you trust me?” and honestly I feel like I may have lost trust in him, not completely but just a little. So what happened was that a while ago while I was on the laptop that my boyfriend lent me to use, I found photo’s of his profile on sex websites dated from when we were dating in December just after he spent three weeks with me when I made the very hard decision to give him my virginity. I confronted him about it and he told me honestly that he went on it but he said it was out of curiosity and to be completely honest I don’t believe him, but I do believe that he didn’t meet with anyone simply because I know that It took him months before he would come to meet me after meeting on a dating website. I have quite a hard time letting go of things like, his large collection of porn, actually I don’t mind that so much but when he chooses that over me and lies about it when I have seen it, I feel like I have lost a little trust in him. He also has photo’s of his ex’s, seeing his beautiful blond haired, blue eyed ex with slim waist and beautiful breasts is more that destroying my self esteem, I also talked to him about this he said that he just hasn’t gotten rid of it but if it hurts me so much shouldn’t he have taken that into account and deleted them? I moved to a different state for him why cant he do that for me? It hurts to know that so many people have seen him nude after that sex website. I love him and I do want to be with him, he recently asked me to marry him and I want to but I feel like while I have these feelings I cant move on and we wont be happy until I can over come this. why cant I let go? Help me please…
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 why cant I let go? Help me please… Because he broke something that cannot ever be put back together. Sweetie, you can take a broken vase and glue it back together but it will always be a broken vase. You deserve a man that will worship the grown you walk on. This is not him. I know it's hard to let him go because he's your first but you will be glad you did. Let him go. Pulling the band-aid off always hurt but then you're glad you did.
Author TazzieDomo Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 Honestly, i knew this would come up but I do love him and I don't take relationships lightly, Before I up and leave I want to make sure that I have exhausted every last option to make this work and to make us both happy. So at the moment leaving isnt an option, I want to stay I need advice on how to move on. I do love him and I want to stay, I think we could make it work and I want to he has so many good points and I refuse to just focus on the bad what do I do if leaving isnt an option?
PegNosePete Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 at the moment leaving isnt an option As someone said on another thread recently. You discount the only sensible course of action. This guy is simply not as into you as you are into him. He is looking for sex with others, on a sex dating site. If you believe his stupid excuse then I have a bridge to sell you. He wants to have sex with others. He treats you poorly and disrespectfully and allows you to feel bad by parading pics of his ex around. He is simply not a good guy. You need to leave him and find someone who will respect you. 3
Author TazzieDomo Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 He is sweet, he often compliments me and he asked me to marry him. He we both want the same things, life wise, such as the same amount of children and house and business, I honestly do not believe that he isnt that into me for the simple fact that the three times I almost left him he begged me to stay, other than the problems above he is an incredible man and very loving.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 (edited) Honestly, i knew this would come up but I do love him and I don't take relationships lightly, Before I up and leave I want to make sure that I have exhausted every last option to make this work and to make us both happy. So at the moment leaving isnt an option, I want to stay I need advice on how to move on. I do love him and I want to stay, I think we could make it work and I want to he has so many good points and I refuse to just focus on the bad what do I do if leaving isnt an option? But apparently he does. He was actively looking for sex with other people on the internet. I don't know in what world that is acceptable or why you believed his weak "I was just curious!" excuse. No. He wanted to have sex with girls who aren't you. And he got caught. I imagine his profile would've existed a lot longer if you hadn't stumbled on it. What other sites is he on? What you found might not be the only one. You now know he is deceptive so take what he says with a grain of salt. Leaving is always an option. If you insist on staying, expect a lot more heartache. A good guy who really loved you would never have even considered doing something like that. You are crazy about him, but apparently the feeling isn't exactly mutual. Sorry, OP. And for heaven's sake, do not marry this guy! Edited June 20, 2014 by ExpatInItaly
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 He is sweet, he often compliments me and he asked me to marry him. He we both want the same things, life wise, such as the same amount of children and house and business, I honestly do not believe that he isnt that into me for the simple fact that the three times I almost left him he begged me to stay, other than the problems above he is an incredible man and very loving. Listent to yourself. He is such a good guy that you tried to leave him THREE TIMES. Wanting the same amount of children and same color of house, giving you compliments, is NOT loving you. Love is shown by actions, like keeping his @ss off the Internet, not engaging in sexual conversations and showing his body to other women. What is underneath his clothes is YOURS only. You chose to give your virginity to him and instead of honoring this gift of love and trust you gave him he went looked for sex with other women. What does that say about this man? 4
PegNosePete Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 other than the problems above he is an incredible man and very loving. Riiight... other than the fact Charles Manson is a psychopath, I'm sure he is a lovely man too. I'm not saying your guy is as bad as Charles Manson of course... but you get the point... you can't just throw that phrase around and ignore pertinent facts as irrelevant details. This guy wants to have sex with other women. He is a liar and a cheat. 1
Author TazzieDomo Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 Is it wrong to believe that things like this can be over looked? Is it wrong that my reasons for leaving are different from the problems I posted? I really don't think he is a bad person.. I believe he deserves to be loved and I can't help thinking I'm just not good enough for him..
Gaeta Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Is it wrong to believe that things like this can be over looked? Is it wrong that my reasons for leaving are different from the problems I posted? I really don't think he is a bad person.. I believe he deserves to be loved and I can't help thinking I'm just not good enough for him.. He is the one not good enough for you. He deserves to be loved? No, he doesn't deserve to be loved by YOU. When he matures, when he understands what is respect and what relationships are about then maybe he'll deserve to be loved by a woman but it can take him 20 years to understand that. You are not Mother Theresa. Your job is not to love the unlovable of this world. Your job is to look out for yourself and make sure you let no one in your life that will use and abuse of you. You owe loyalty to yourself first! 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Is it wrong to believe that things like this can be over looked? Is it wrong that my reasons for leaving are different from the problems I posted? I really don't think he is a bad person.. I believe he deserves to be loved and I can't help thinking I'm just not good enough for him.. Wrong? No. Extremely naive and foolish? Yes. A recipe for future problems? Yep. Don't you deserve to be loved, by a man who doesn't look for sex with other girls? This malarkey about him deserving to be loved is exactly what he needs to walk all over you and do it again. Your life, but I think you're making an incredibly poor decision by choosing to ignore horrible behaviour.
Author TazzieDomo Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 I was hoping to find someone with a similar situation to mine that could offer advice as to how I can rebuild trust and let go of my jealousy.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 I don't think you're going to get the type of advice you're looking for here. Most people wouldn't stay in such a toxic relationship. If you insist on it, try talking to the Infidelity board. You might find some posters there who've been through it, too.
jbelle6 Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 (edited) I was hoping to find someone with a similar situation to mine that could offer advice as to how I can rebuild trust and let go of my jealousy. Well here I am. Two boyfriends ago I dated someone who had every email of their exes saved, pictures, AND I found him on sex dating sites. He erased his profile when I found out but would make new emails and join new sites constantly. They never stop. Your guy will NEVER stop. It's not something to lose self esteem over, it's not about how you look or anything like that, it's about HIM. You can try to tell yourself it's ok if he didn't actually meet one of them, but the intent was there. My ex's excuse was curiosity as well, then I realized that the only reason he didn't physically hook up with anyone was because THEY didn't want to, so it made me wonder why the hell I would. Also thought I'd mention that this guy was the coldest, meanest, physically and emotionally abusive narcissist I have ever encountered. Never met a worse person in my life. Run now, or settle in for repeat performances. Oh, and look at the names of the sex dating site he was on and you'll see that the curiosity excuse is bull$hit. The names make it QUITE clear what the sites are for. Edited June 22, 2014 by jbelle6 1
spiderowl Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Of course he wants you to stay, because you are lovely and sweet and tolerate his worst side. But you deserve someone who loves you and doesn't sneak around behind your back like this. I know it's a hard decision when you really want a relationship to work but you can't make a leopard change its spots, they just don't. Can you live with this constantly in exchange for what compliments you are getting from him. Bear in mind that putting himself on a sex site is not a compliment to you, so whatever he says, he is undermining his words by doing the opposite. No wonder you feel confused about the situation. I hope things work out for the better for you. I think this guy will try to make you stay but at the same time he is unlikely to give up these very undesirable 'habits'. You are already tolerating them.
spiderowl Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 I was hoping to find someone with a similar situation to mine that could offer advice as to how I can rebuild trust and let go of my jealousy. Tazzie, only you feel the need to rebuild trust. He is busy destroying it so he doesn't see any need for it, except perhaps to keep you by his side so he can carry on playing his bizarre and disrespectful games. You mentioned that you worried you weren't good enough for him. Sadly, a relationship where one is subtly abusing and misleading the other, as in this case, can leave the innocent person feeling inadequate because they are not managing to make things work? You are not inadequate or failing; you are in a mental trap where you think if you were different somehow, he would behave better. It's not true. He's just not the guy you want him to be. Once you realise it's him and not you, you could go on to meet someone worthy of you.
Targetlock Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 I agree with the others, he is not worth your time, effort or love he lies to you and goes behind his back and seems still hooked up on his ex? and why would he need dating sites when he has you? after eleven months? actions speak louder than actions. makes me sad it does he is the one who doesn't deserve you from the sound of it. i wish you the best and hope the situation is resolved so nobody is hurt too bad 1
Gaeta Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Why? Isn't that a bit much? Worships the ground she walks on? For goodness! That is an expression, you never heard it? Here's another one: She deserves a man that sees her in his soup !!
Author TazzieDomo Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 But what if he hasn't been on those sites since, I don't care about before me I care about during me so of course things like that hurt I can't change what has happened and he knows how much he has hurt me I made it VERY VERY clear what I would not tolerate and if he did it again it would be over no questions asked, to the best of my knowledge he hasn't been on them since. As I said the photos, messages and such hurt like my hearts being ripped out but my parents stayed together through a lot and they still are together can'te and him work through it too?
Author TazzieDomo Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 I should probably point out that for him to hook up with someone would require time and considering I am with him almost 24/7 I can't see when he would have the chance to hook up. I wake at 6am with him make breakfast and shower and get things ready then we both go to work until 5pm he is a journalist and his schedular is so full he hardly has time to eat, we drive home together talk, draw, have dinner with mum and dad. Talk with them talk until midnight and go to bed together, the routine hardly changes but I should also point out he has changed a lot since the incident (which was several months ago) Also my "leaving" was not because of him or that situation but rather the fact that I held it over him kind of like blackmailing and no one deserves to live a life of pain and constant berating like what I was doing. Which is why I'm on here, to change. I can be horrid to him. He is a lot more attentive and completely honest and open with me now because I told him clearly and gave him an ultamatem -you can be single and go for your life on those sights Or -you can be serious about this relationship and never go on a site like that again or even so much as think of one, because if you do I will be gone end if story.
Gaeta Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 He is a lot more attentive and completely honest and open with me now because I told him clearly and gave him an ultamatem Of course he is more attentive ! he got caught ! This is the normal cycle of a cheater. They get caught, they minimize the situation, then they apologize, feel bad and beg, then you have a honeymoon phase, then he goes back to what he used to do except he's smarter about it and perfect his game. We are a bunch of older folks here telling you we've been through this already and we're telling you he is a cheater and he won't change but sounds like you will have to waste another couple of years on this man to discover it yourself on your own. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 It's sad that you don't see what an awful boyfriend he is. He somehow found time to browse sex sites, put a profile together, and so on. Do you really believe he wouldn't find time to have sex with other girls if he wanted? Of course he would. You aren't together 24-7. And he knows you will in fact tolerate it. You already are. You are buying his "I was curious" crap and making excuses for him. As someone else said, it would not be totally shocking if he's already been unfaithful to you. Also, remember that this information is only what you know because you discovered it. Imagine what you don't know.
Author TazzieDomo Posted June 24, 2014 Author Posted June 24, 2014 There are people that can get over their boyfriends husbands actually having affairs that last for years, other then that one incident nothing else has happened and he doesn't abuse me emotional, mentally, dinatually or psycally. I AM NOT THE PERSON TO TOLERATE THIS KIND OF THING. He is the first man I have loved but honestly when I was 14 I ran away from home and stayed with a boy from my school, because I had no where else to go, no family no friends and because I held my pride so high I refused to leave I was abused in all forms for 4 years. I was treated like an animal and humiliated on a daily basis, I know what its like to be abused and not just the sudden type, previously the abuse got worse over the 4 years and started off as "teasingly poking fun" and ended at me being told that he was going to sleep with someone (because I refused to sleep with him which was often the reason for the beatings) and I was expected to leave and let it happen. Whilst he said we were dating I absolutely refuse to say that he was my boyfriend, we never kissed, held hands or had sex. Just before my 18th birthday I found this sight and realised that I did have other options and what he was doing wasn't okay, the way he treated me I will never forgive. I beat the crap out of him socked him in the nuts and got my father to let me return home, he helped me with the moving of my stuff whilst I beat the ****ed up guy I had wasted my childhood with. I made the wrong choice before however I am wiser and I am clear with what is okay and what isn't, at the point when the incident occurred I had not stated the "rules" or set and boundaries for our relationship, in not saying that it makes it any less wrong but I am saying there is more to it. I don't want to leave because he does treats me well he never abuses me emotionally or other wise and he was genuinely guilty and remorseful for what he did, he realised how hurt I was and from what I can see (and yes I do check and know all the sights he has been on which was more than one) he hasn't been on them since before April this year and earlier, I can forgive this mistake he is human we all make them it's not like he went and ****ed a bunch of chicks. He isn't a monster. I want help getting over the jealousy not advice to leave because as I said repetitively that is not an option.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Well, OP, as I said before: you're not going to find the advice you want here. Sorry. And for the record, what your "boyfriend" did is emotional abuse. Trying to have sex with other women and then lying and guilting you into staying is absolutely emotionally abusive. You teach people how to treat you. Don't be surprised when he does it again, or when you learn that this is just the tip of the iceberg. You deserve way better than this loser, but stay if you insist. At least you've taken one crappy guy out of the dating pool for the rest of us.
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