Jump to content

Husband gives me a snarky attitude for going out with a friend! So tired of it!

Mapper71

By Mapper71
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Mapper71 Established Member

Mapper71

Posted
Posted

So I tell H last night when I get home that I am going out with my friend on Tuesday after work. His first response was "Oh yeah?" in an actual nice tone like "good for you", but then that immediately turned into "Oh fine I see how it is. Go do your pub crawl with her and not me that's fine" I then tell him "It's not a pub crawl it's dinner. We can still do the pub crawl after work some day". He goes "No no that's fine. Go have your fun and I'll just party it up here". I got real quiet and walked out of the room wanting to cry. Then about an hour later she called me to finalize plans and I wasn't on the phone with her for more than 30 seconds before he comes in the room and says really loud while I'm talking to her "Oh is that my competition on the phone with you"? This is his response EVERY damn time I make plans to go do something with a friend or if there's an activity after work with co workers. I haven't gone out with my friend (or anyone else for that matter!) in almost 6 months and I haven't done an after work activity since February because I always get this same response and it upsets me so much that I don't even want to go out because I don't want to deal with it. When I made plans to go out to lunch and a play with my friend back in January H told me "I'm glad to see you getting out of the house. I wish you'd go out and do more things on your own". Now I get this sarcastic response if I dare go do something without him.

 

He came up to me later last night and said "What's wrong with you? Why are you so quiet?" I tell him that I'm tired of his snarky attitude to me for going out. He immediately starts laughing and goes "Oh my god woman I am not being snarky! I am just joking! I am fine with you going out. Like I said, I'll just be partying it up here." I say "I wish you would be nice about it then". He then does a fake "Okay I hope you have a good time" and rolls his eyes and walks away in a huff. Of course he turned this all around on me and made me feel like I was the one with the problem.

 

Why is it so damn hard for him to just say nicely "Oh that's great. Have a good time and I'll see you when you get home". Why does it always turn into this big production of a guilt trip which he then turns into me being too sensitive because he was just kidding the whole time??

WrinkledForehead Established Member

WrinkledForehead

Posted
Posted

A couple questions. Do you two have a weekly date night? When was the last time you went out on the town as a couple with a group of friends?

 

It sounds like he's happy for you, but is feeling very left out of your activities.

  • Like 1
Got it Established Member

Got it

Posted
Posted

That is very alarming behavioral patterns. Does he have a pattern of alienating you from others? Do you have a healthy balance between friends and him? Have you two been to MC?

 

I am one to fully believe that our "jokes" speak to our "truths" so if someone is joking about it there is definitely some truth to it and I act as such.

 

I would want to get a professional involved to help work through this.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Mapper71 Established Member

Mapper71

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Almost every weekend we end up going out to a local pub to shoot darts and interact with people we know. We went out for dinner last weekend and met a couple for a night out the weekend before.

 

And I don't really have any other friends up here besides the one. I just don't make friends easily as I am shy and I am never one to call anyone up to do anything. Now I really don't call anyone up because that will get him all in this sarcastic mood.

soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

Posted
Posted

Is this the kind of behavior he has exhibited since the beginning? Are you having any other relationship issues?

MuscleCarFan Established Member

MuscleCarFan

Posted
Posted

That doesn't sound like joking to me.

 

I don't care if my wife goes to hang out with friemds. In fact my wife, pink_sugar, plans to fly out see a friend out of state some time later. You don't see me complaining.

  • Like 1
Grumpybutfun Established Member

Grumpybutfun

Posted
Posted

In every single thread you write about your husband, i think what a selfish, narcissistic, controlling, passive aggressive husband with no boundaries and personal responsibility and a terrible and unaware father. Writing is in the wall, the red flags have created a tsunami and you still ask about each of his behaviors as if you are surprised when he acts like this...he just doesn't care for anyone but himself.

G

  • Like 10
  • Author
Mapper71 Established Member

Mapper71

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Oh and I forgot to add when I told him he was being so snarky about me going out and after he laughed and said he was just joking he goes "What's going on with you and her? Do you guys have some secret relationship or something that you don't want to tell me about? Huh...is THAT why you are so upset?" That is so totally out of left field and so random! It's just him deflecting the whole issue on me like I'm the one with the problem where there is no problem. What husband would say such a thing to a wife who simply wants to go out for dinner with a friend she hasn't seen in 6 months??

Bittersweetie Established Member

Bittersweetie

Posted
Posted
In every single thread you write about your husband, i think what a selfish, narcissistic, controlling, passive aggressive husband with no boundaries and personal responsibility and a terrible and unaware father. Writing is in the wall, the red flags have created a tsunami and you still ask about each of his behaviors as if you are surprised when he acts like this...he just doesn't care for anyone but himself.

G

 

Mapper do you have a response to Grumpy's above post?

 

Because, it appears you have a choice.

 

1. You can accept your husband's behavior and stop complaining about it.

 

2. You can take action to make a change.

 

Which is it? Because starting thread after thread complaining isn't doing you or the relationship any good.

 

Look at my signature.

  • Like 5
  • Author
Mapper71 Established Member

Mapper71

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Because starting thread after thread complaining isn't doing you or the relationship any good.

No you are right...it isn't doing me any good but at least I can vent to get it off my chest!

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
No you are right...it isn't doing me any good but at least I can vent to get it off my chest!

 

Venting is one thing but what are you actually doing about it at home so life will be better between you and your husband? Something has to change so you won't feel so pissed off about just about everything your husband does and says.

  • Author
Mapper71 Established Member

Mapper71

Posted
  • Author
Posted

D got here yesterday for her week long visit. H was tired all day. He didn't get out of bed until about 10AM, then went back to bed at noon, but didn't sleep. Got up at 1PM and was up for an hour before going back to lay down. Got up at about 2:45 and took off at 3 to pick up D. Got home at about 5PM and had something to eat and decided he was tired and went to bed at 6PM! Meanwhile D and I sat up on the couch and watched tv, like we always do. I turned down the volume and tried to talk in soft tones. He had the fan on as well which should have drowned out a majority of any noise. I go to bed at 8:30 and he is wide awake. I ask if he slept and he says a little bit between all the stomping around and door slamming you did. Okay if by "stomping around" you mean getting off the couch every once in a while to go to the bathroom or the kitchen then yes we were stomping around and if by "door slamming" you mean opening and closing the front door as quietly as possible to let the cats in and out then yes we were slamming doors! If it were the other way around and I was trying to sleep he and D would have a movie on the surround sound at 1000 decibels and talking and laughing in normal tones with no effort to turn anything down. You went to bed at 6PM so don't blame me if you can't sleep! People are mowing and revving cars and WE are the reason you can't sleep??!!

 

Then he gets upset because she and I are spending time together and not him and her. We are ganging up on him. Or if I tell him that she wants to go to the mall and I'll take her then he gets all pissy because it's once again "Oh fine I see how it is. You two want to hang out without me, I get it. No fine go do your girl stuff". Then get away from your computer and take her to do things! She already said to me last night when H went to bed "We should go do something this week. Can you take a day off?" Ugh. No I can't take a day off and I hate the fact that I already have to be stressed out about taking you someplace when I get home from work and probably pissing DH off in the process because you brought it up to me and not him. I'm the one she always goes to to do stuff and DH is oblivious to it all thinking she's having the time of her life sitting in front of the tv while he plays his video game or works on his bike. He goes to her last night "The girl next door is just a year younger than you and she's nice so you guys could hang out". Her reply was "I'm going to be sitting inside with the shades down, binging on food while you are at work playing with my friend Zelda" which is her video game! DH goes "Okay whatever makes you happy. I just want you to be able to relax while you are here". Really? I love how you just let her do whatever she wants as she isolates herself from everything else. He complains as much as I do that she doesn't want to do anything but then encourages her to just sit and do nothing all day!

 

Oh and I am cancelling dinner with my friend tomorrow night. After hearing how we were keeping him awake last night I don't want to have to remind him tonight that I am having dinner with her tomorrow and won't be home until 9PM or so and have him get all sarcastic about me going out and leaving him and SD on their own while I go out and have fun. I just don't want to deal with it because it will put me in a bad mood and that bad mood will show with her. Although I'm sure he doesn't even remember that I was going out with her and later this week he'll say "Weren't you going out with her this week?" and I'll tell him that I cancelled and he will blow a gasket that I cancelled on her and will say "Is this because of my reaction to you the other day? I was JUST kidding. You need to take a joke" It doesn't matter if I go out or not..it will be wrong either way!

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

I, like everybody else, have told you to really speak up.

You went to bed at 6PM so don't blame me if you can't sleep! People are mowing and revving cars and WE are the reason you can't sleep??!!

 

Did you say this to him or just think it?

 

Then he gets upset because she and I are spending time together and not him and her.

 

Did you tell him he brought this all on himself since he chose to hide out in the bedroom and 'sleep' while his daughter was there? Or are you afraid to call him on his bullcrap behaviour.

 

This IS how things are going to be as long as you put up with it. Stand up to him and let him have it. He isn't your father, he's your husband. He isn't "the boss" who needs complete 'quiet' while he rests pretty much ALL day and evening.

 

His daughter also needs to tell him directly that she has come to spend time with him and it's sucky of him to disappear and not hang out with her.

 

I feel for you and all the frustration going on, that is stressful and not fun. But, it'll only change if you DO something about it.

 

Oh and you should go to dinner with your friend. Ignore him later if he gives you a hard time about going out. Staying home just gives him power over you and allows him to boss you around.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Mapper71 Established Member

Mapper71

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I, like everybody else, have told you to really speak up.

 

 

Did you say this to him or just think it?

 

 

 

Did you tell him he brought this all on himself since he chose to hide out in the bedroom and 'sleep' while his daughter was there? Or are you afraid to call him on his bullcrap behaviour.

 

This IS how things are going to be as long as you put up with it. Stand up to him and let him have it. He isn't your father, he's your husband. He isn't "the boss" who needs complete 'quiet' while he rests pretty much ALL day and evening.

 

His daughter also needs to tell him directly that she has come to spend time with him and it's sucky of him to disappear and not hang out with her.

 

I feel for you and all the frustration going on, that is stressful and not fun. But, it'll only change if you DO something about it.

 

Oh and you should go to dinner with your friend. Ignore him later if he gives you a hard time about going out. Staying home just gives him power over you and allows him to boss you around.

 

No I didn't tell him any of this. I can't. If I try he won't even let me finish before he'll turn it around on me. He wanted to fight so damn hard to get visitation with her but he spends so much time on the computer, in the garage, taking a bath, taking naps, going to bed early when she is here!

 

If I do go out with my friend tomorrow, the only thing I will be thinking is "Will he be mad at me when I get home? Will he be snide?" I won't enjoy anything about my time with her because my stomach will be in knots about him and the only thing I'll want to do is get home to make sure everything is okay.

Bittersweetie Established Member

Bittersweetie

Posted
Posted

If I do go out with my friend tomorrow, the only thing I will be thinking is "Will he be mad at me when I get home? Will he be snide?" I won't enjoy anything about my time with her because my stomach will be in knots about him and the only thing I'll want to do is get home to make sure everything is okay.

 

THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

 

Your feelings and thoughts here are NOT what a healthy relationship looks like!

 

You need some counseling STAT to help yourself get out of this toxic relationship and stop being a doormat.

 

If you address these things, there will be no more need to vent because taking action will give you your power back!

  • Like 2
acrosstheuniverse Established Member

acrosstheuniverse

Posted
Posted

Do you have a Women's Aid group in your area? Or a service for women who are involved in domestic violence?

 

Because everything you say about this man points to an abusive relationship. He doesn't have to physically hit you to be controlling you and terrorising you in your own home.

 

You need support.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted

what wrinkled forehead said.....make him feel special do a mystery thing on the spur of the moment and make him feel cherished.....i have always believed in continuing date nights after marriage or even in parnerships that aent married yet its easy to get caught up in everyday life and forget what is really important which is you strengthening and enhancing your marriage or relationship....its a call back to celebrate why you are together.....it honestly should be first priority and friends are important too but the guy you spend your whole life with is the one you want to see happy at the end of the day.,..he is the first and last person you see....so top priority for mutually happy peoples together and mutually satisfying relationship...do date nights more than friend nights........deb

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

 

Your feelings and thoughts here are NOT what a healthy relationship looks like!

 

You need some counseling STAT to help yourself get out of this toxic relationship and stop being a doormat.

 

If you address these things, there will be no more need to vent because taking action will give you your power back!

 

You took the words right out of my mouth.

 

Mapper, your husband has control issues and he's bully. He has manipulated you and shaped you into someone who can't stand up for herself or speak your mind freely. I'm sure if you look back on who you were before you met and married him vs who you are now, you'll see what a different person you've changed into because of him.

  • Author
Mapper71 Established Member

Mapper71

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Yep, sure enough H says to me last night about 8:30 after dinner "Oh weren't you meeting your friend tonight for dinner?" Rather than go into the real reason of me cancelling because he made me feel bad for going out I said that we postponed it because she wasn't able to meet until later and I didn't want to come home and go out again. He goes "I'm sorry about what I said". WHY did you say it at all??!!! What is your problem?? He is always sorry after I cancel plans, but I still bet you anything he would have been sarcastic with me when I got back from dinner with her if I had gone out!

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...