catann Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I recently found out my dad has small cell carcinoma, a very volatile form of lung cancer. The doctors prognosis for his life expectancy is 6 months to a year, but based on his prior mental and physical history I think 6 months is optimistic. My dad and I have never had a very strong relationship. He and my mom got divorced when I was three and he moved across the country so I only saw him once or twice a year if I was lucky. As I got older our visits were even less frequent. I am the youngest of four girls. My sisters, having been older than I when our parents split, have a much stronger attachment to our father than I do. All my sisters have already flown out to see my dad. I am tied up in training right now for the Army and it will be very difficult for me to leave in the next four months. When I get done with training I will be jumping right in to finishing my second year of my masters. I love my father and I hate that he's suffering but my sisters seem to think that the right thing to do now is to put my life on hold to go take care of dad. I disagree. While I'm making sure to tell him I love him and that he has my support, I don't think it's necessary to drop everything going on with my career and life to go help him. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Even if you don't have a strong connection with an immediate family member is it morally wrong not to do everything you can for them just because they're family? I'm doing everything I can to try to visit with him but it doesn't seem to be in the cards right now. My sisters keep telling me that I need to go see him and that I'll regret it if I don't but I still don't think I should have to put my life on hold to do that. Is that terrible? I guess I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this. I love my dad but I'm at a very crucial point in my career. Why should I put that in jeopardy for someone that's never supported me or made an effort to be involved in my life? Please help. I want to do what's right for both h and me.
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 If you are on active duty, there are counselors available to you. Talk to them. There are also special dispensations for emergency leave when a family member is dying. I recently lost both of my parents. I don't think I would have survived it if I had not been able to say goodbye. Best you go soon to avoid not being able to see him. If you don't go, you may never forgive yourself. I am so sorry he's sick & wish your family well. 1
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Babe you HAVE to go and see him, I totally get where you are coming from and your dad more than likely would not want you to prolong your goals for him as he would want to see you succeed but you are going to beat yourself up once he is gone as you "werent there" when your siblings talk about his last days it will kill you inside. You are definitely not wrong for feeling the way you do so do not feel bad about that at all but this could come back and haunt you... from personal experience xx Im sorry for what you are going through xx
writergal Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I'm doing everything I can to try to visit with him but it doesn't seem to be in the cards right now. My sisters keep telling me that I need to go see him and that I'll regret it if I don't but I still don't think I should have to put my life on hold to do that. Is that terrible? I guess I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this. I love my dad but I'm at a very crucial point in my career. Why should I put that in jeopardy for someone that's never supported me or made an effort to be involved in my life? Please help. I want to do what's right for both h and me. OP, my dad died from bone marrow cancer and I was fortunate enough to spend the last two weeks of his life with him before he died. Also, one of my best friends died from lung cancer when she was in her 20s. I also was fortunate enough to spend time with her before she died. Had I not spent time with my dad or best friend before they passed away, I'd never be able to forgive myself. If you're not emotionally close to your dad, then go forward with your career and see him at his funeral. It doesn't sound like your dad was a good father to you, growing up, if he wasn't supportive or involved in your life. However, this may be the opportunity you need, to address these issues that have carved a great emotional divide between you, before his physical health deteriorates to the point where he can't speak or breathe without the help of a machine. By then, it will be too late for such a discussion to take place. If you're the type of person who needs emotional healing, then pursue a conversation with your dad before it's too late. Go visit him over the weekend. Set aside time where the two of you can talk one on one, alone, away from meddling family (even if their intentions are good) or friends. Because before you know it, he could be gone and all you've be left with is bitterness and doubt - a hole in your heart about your father-daughter relationship. I made sure to have that kind of conversation with my dad before he died. It wasn't all negative, but some of it was, to be realistic about it. We watched home movies together. We listened to music together. We laughed, we cried, we argued. The point is, I was able to get the closure I knew that I would need, that no amount of grief counseling or conversations with my mom, siblings or relatives could make up for. I loved my dad. He loved me as his oldest daughter. He died knowing that we came to peace with each other. I live knowing that my dad always believed in me, no matter what. And that is the greatest gift that you can give someone - to believe in them. 1
Itspointless Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I agree with all three reactions. As I experienced when I was 19 the dying of a parent can do strange things with you sense of identity. Talking with him may be of help for you later on. I wish you all the best.
notserene Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I think that you will always regret it if you don't see him. For your own sake, please try to get to him.
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