write back the mail to his wife?

[purplesorrow]

No, but I would think it would be better to have another side of the story since you can't necessarily believe the WS either. Especially if the BS asked for the information which seems to happen at least sometimes. But if not, then I see the point that the OP might as well not reply to the BS at all.

 

The problem is, the other side is from someone who helped him deceive me. A lot of people have 'in case we're caught' stories that agree to if questioned. Read my own wh's email, they were going to lie about how long they were involved. She stuck to that not knowing he had already told me the truth. It is all so messy! I didn't trust myself on dday, much less anyone else.

[Hope Shimmers]

The problem is, the other side is from someone who helped him deceive me. A lot of people have 'in case we're caught' stories that agree to if questioned. Read my own wh's email, they were going to lie about how long they were involved. She stuck to that not knowing he had already told me the truth. It is all so messy! I didn't trust myself on dday, much less anyone else.

 

I can see that point very well.

 

I was thinking that theoretically at least, she might have less motivation to lie to the BS than the WS would (if he were trying to minimize and prevent BS from being hurt from facts) but I can see that it can get very complicated.

 

In the case of my ex-H, when I found out he cheated it was while we were still married and living together but talking about D. I found out most of the details from his ex-AP. Turns out she was married AND had another OM other than my ex-H. My ex-H verified this - he had no motivation not to hurt me, because why suddenly worry about hurting me? Disgusting to me that someone who was so supposedly anti-affair ends up with that kind of woman and while still married to me. But it was all par for the course in our M.

[sisa]

what I said is all fact, some of them I even have mails or messages because he tell not only one time.

 

The mail I did not plan to include these because although it's fact but I know not much BS want to hear these because its painful. He choose to stay, and I respect that.

 

I don't know the BS intension why she send mail, telling me they are going to devorce. Blame me everything is nature because she want to believe who she marry won't doing these to her, I guess. but it's fair?

[purplesorrow]

what I said is all fact, some of them I even have mails or messages because he tell not only one time.

 

The mail I did not plan to include these because although it's fact but I know not much BS want to hear these because its painful. He choose to stay, and I respect that.

 

I don't know the BS intension why she send mail, telling me they are going to devorce. Blame me everything is nature because she want to believe who she marry won't doing these to her, I guess. but it's fair?

 

She is angry and lashing out. I'm sure she feels you weren't being fair to her when you were helping her husband deceive her. Unless she asked you any questions, I wouldn't respond. You have healing to do for your heart mind and soul. Don't waste time with a back and forth with an angry wife who probably isn't thinking about your hurt. Peace to you.

[fellini]

I'm struggling with understanding this. Doesn't a BS want to know that WS lied? Does it make a difference why he told the lies?

 

I really think that if I were a BS it would be important to me to know that my WS told another woman he was single and then asked her to be his lover, and all the rest of what was in OP's latest post (the truth). Yes they were lies, but that is the point, correct? To know the extent that he was capable of in order to be with his AP?

 

The OP is not the BS, the OP has not revealed the contents of the letter, so to imagine yourself not as a BS but as this BS is irrelevant. Every BS is different. And you continue to talk as if there is ONE TRUTH in any of this mess. There isn't. There are versions of what went on. Unless the BS is asking for the details, and unless the OP is asking us about which details she ought to / ought not to reveal, we, the LS community, it seems to me, do not have the luxury of insight to tell the OP what she is obliged to tell the BS.

 

The WS is working on reconciliation, and this is a long road, and since neither the BS or the WS are here asking questions, perhaps our best advice is for the OP to stay out of it. She claims to want to be helpful in the process, and I just do not see how opening a can of worms in a betrayal trauma in someone else's life is anything but risky.

 

Her silence and refusal to be drawn in (when we don't even know if the letter was actually supposed to draw her in) will not HARM the recovery of the couple in reconciliation, but her putting what she thinks she knows out there most certainly could makes things more complicated.

Edited June 21, 2014 by fellini

[sisa]

thank you all again, I make the decision that stay out of it. I think I write back anything may not seems proper now. after time, I think when every party heal in the end, might seems this no contact is a gift.

[whichwayisup]

All you have to do is apologize for your part in the affair and for hurting her. Own it. Wish them well and let her know that the A is completely over and that you're moving on and not a threat to their marriage.

 

No need to go into details about how much you loved her husband and wanted a life with him. That serves no purpose except more pain.

 

I hope you heal well and are able to find peace soon. Do counseling if need be, it's okay to reach out to a professional if you can't work through the pain on your own.

[sisa]

thank you.

 

but I don't understand why telling BS I love MM is hurting her, I express this is want her understand that I was not playing and not bad person who intension to hurt her. I don't plan to bring out any part of MM's feeling for me which I think she don't need to know.

 

if some one telling you she love your husband, would you feel hurt?

[Hope Shimmers]

thank you.

 

but I don't understand why telling BS I love MM is hurting her, I express this is want her understand that I was not playing and not bad person who intension to hurt her. I don't plan to bring out any part of MM's feeling for me which I think she don't need to know.

 

if some one telling you she love your husband, would you feel hurt?

 

Sisa,

 

Turn it around and ask yourself the same question. What if he were your husband and someone else told you they were in love with him - would that hurt you?

[purplesorrow]

thank you.

 

but I don't understand why telling BS I love MM is hurting her, I express this is want her understand that I was not playing and not bad person who intension to hurt her. I don't plan to bring out any part of MM's feeling for me which I think she don't need to know.

 

if some one telling you she love your husband, would you feel hurt?

 

Of course it would hurt. As his wife, I know all that he did for me to fàll in love with him. I would be wondering if he did the same for her. Her husband should have never been in any kind of situation for you to start loving him. That is at least dating, something he should have stopped with other women when he married. I wanted to be the last woman my husband kissed, shared intimate moments etc with. It hurt deeply to know I wasn't.

[sisa]

if BS has security that her spouse will never leave her, would she still feel so hurt that her spouse also love others?

 

there is many times I hope she can just accept me, and I know I would treat her with respect too. she and me is both not bad person, But, from her mail I know she hate me very much, so it's not working.

[purplesorrow]

if BS has security that her spouse will never leave her, would she still feel so hurt that her spouse also love others?

 

there is many times I hope she can just accept me, and I know I would treat her with respect too. she and me is both not bad person, But, from her mail I know she hate me very much, so it's not working.

 

Unless that spouse agreed to be in an open marriage, no she won't accept it. He has already taken away her security by lying, deceiving and cheating. I doubt her husband would want an open marriage, if he did, he would have told his wife he was dating so she could too. Looks like he likes cake. Is he really great enough to share? I've never met a man that was.

Edited June 22, 2014 by purplesorrow

[whichwayisup]

thank you.

 

but I don't understand why telling BS I love MM is hurting her, I express this is want her understand that I was not playing and not bad person who intension to hurt her. I don't plan to bring out any part of MM's feeling for me which I think she don't need to know.

 

if some one telling you she love your husband, would you feel hurt?

 

Of course you didn't hurt her intentionally but you did selfishly by allowing yourself to fall for her husband. Did you know he was married from the beginning?

 

Why does she need to know how you felt and not her husband? If anything, I think what he felt for you is much more important to her than what you felt for him. She may not really care to hear your side of things at all. She isn't going to feel sorry for you, feel bad that you're hurting so really it's pointless to tell her how you feel about her husband. If anything, say you care about his well being and want to stay out of his life so you can go on with yours.

 

She may feel threatened if you confess your love for her husband. Hope that makes sense to you.

[whichwayisup]

if BS has security that her spouse will never leave her, would she still feel so hurt that her spouse also love others?

 

there is many times I hope she can just accept me, and I know I would treat her with respect too. she and me is both not bad person, But, from her mail I know she hate me very much, so it's not working.

 

Sisa, you two aren't on level playing fields here so don't think that she is going to forgive you, embrace you and accept you. Why should she accept you?

 

She is betrayed by the man she married, and her hurt, pain and anger IS all at him though there's some leftover for you as well so please, really be sure you're ready to face it all by opening this door and writing her.

 

Much of this is for you and your own peace of mind? Or is it so she can understand where you're coming from? I can tell you now she won't want to put herself in your shoes and try to understand you. She will be trying to do that with her husband though, rightfully so.

 

I wish you peace and hope you can move on from this and leave them be. Grieve the loss, gain support from your friends and family and of course continue to post on here. Reaching out to his wife to apologize (and keep it short and simple) is okay but to write her with lots of details isn't. Unless she specifically asks, don't offer what you're wanting to tell her.

[sisa]

I know he is married, but I thought he was separate.

 

LS always recommamd OW put in wife's shoes to understand how pain they create, but why wife cannot also put in OW shoes. She just comtinous write me when she want, and obviously she did it to make me feel so bad even I already no contact with MM, why I cannot write to her my thinking and feelings as well.

[sisa]

I think I will not write back anything unless she show me her respect too. Just read her mail and I feel so angry.

[whichwayisup]

I know he is married, but I thought he was separate.

 

LS always recommamd OW put in wife's shoes to understand how pain they create, but why wife cannot also put in OW shoes. She just comtinous write me when she want, and obviously she did it to make me feel so bad even I already no contact with MM, why I cannot write to her my thinking and feelings as well.

 

If you do it, expect nothing from her. Meaning, don't expect her to forgive you and wish you well. She may or not may in the future as life goes on but right now she is angry and far from ready to embrace you in any way. To hope for that is asking too much.

 

So, he lied to you about being married, said he was separated? Make sure she knows this. When you found out he was married, did you end the A or continue on knowing he was actually married?

 

I think I will not write back anything unless she show me her respect too.

 

Don't write her back then. If you are expecting her to accept you and respect you, it will not happen. Can guarantee that, since you say she hates you.

[fellini]

I know he is married, but I thought he was separate.

 

LS always recommamd OW put in wife's shoes to understand how pain they create, but why wife cannot also put in OW shoes. She just comtinous write me when she want, and obviously she did it to make me feel so bad even I already no contact with MM, why I cannot write to her my thinking and feelings as well.

 

Come on SISA, what do you want from this woman? Penance? Go to the church for that.

 

I don't care WHAT led my WS to get into a relationship with her AP, I am never EVER EVER going to forgive that man for HIS ROLE in seducing my wife. EVER. It doesn't matter if she went for him. I do not care if his excuse is "She came on to me so strong I had no choice but to believe her marriage was over".

 

NO, SISA, you will hurt this woman telling her anything about your feelings for her H. Enough people here are telling you in a hundred ways what this means, and yet you still insist on thinking you have something to gain.

 

If your heart is truly in the right place, you would know that the people here with experience know from what they speak, and you would not get into this. Why you basically said okay, Ill stay out of it, yesterday, and now you want to continue thinking about fresh, is beyond me.

 

Perhaps you haven't fully acknowledged the end of your A with the WS and this is a part of your head that is tricking you into keeping him alive, albeit with his wife, the narcissistic mind doesn't care all that much, what it wants is to continuously feed the obsession.

 

If after all the advice you have here isn't making it easier, just send the letter and live with the consequences.

[sisa]

thank you for the advice, but I am not Christian so I will not go to church.

 

I think it's because I got her mail again so I feel mad again. I haven't write back though. as I said, when I get more peace I will write her short apologize letter for what I was done.

I know you have experience and that's why I ask my question here.

 

and fellini, sorry about the pain you been though, but I am not your wife's OM, so you don't need put so much emotional words on my post.

Edited June 22, 2014 by sisa

[April Moon]

I know he is married, but I thought he was separate.

 

LS always recommamd OW put in wife's shoes to understand how pain they create, but why wife cannot also put in OW shoes. She just comtinous write me when she want, and obviously she did it to make me feel so bad even I already no contact with MM, why I cannot write to her my thinking and feelings as well.

 

Hi OP! I know you say you want the MW to put herself in your shoes but by your responses I don't think you know what it is like for her. She doesn't owe you respect or anything just like you don't owe it to her. However being the position you are in, you should do everything you can to ease her pain by not writing back and being understanding. Is this fair to you? No! But it also wasn't fair to her for her husband to have an A with you totally damaging and wrecking their relationship forever. It will never be the same. Of course, I'm not soley blaming you. He is the one in the wrong! However, in the sense you played with fire you are getting burned too. (I know you thought he was seperated at first but that was the best analogy I could come up with).

[SoleMate]

It seems we can't give coherent guidance to OW on what/how they should reveal to BS. The OP offered up a respectful, factual, well-intentioned letter and it got a lot of flak from BS.

 

The truth is he lied to you.

 

So telling her the lies he told you.... is supposed to be telling a truth?

As a court of law would treat it....those lies cannot be offered for the truth of the matter claimed, but they would be admissible to show the WS's behavior and honesty or lack thereof, and also explain the motivation of the OW. Since a court of law would admit them, they aren't fundamentally inappropriate or invalid for a letter to the BS. If a BS wants the sweet little lies told by WS to be censored before BS can hear them.......well then it means to me that the BS doesn't want truth.

 

We go back and forth on this business of "should ex-OP tell?" This thread has pretty well convinced me that No is the best answer in almost every situation.

[purplesorrow]

It seems we can't give coherent guidance to OW on what/how they should reveal to BS. The OP offered up a respectful, factual, well-intentioned letter and it got a lot of flak from BS.

 

 

As a court of law would treat it....those lies cannot be offered for the truth of the matter claimed, but they would be admissible to show the WS's behavior and honesty or lack thereof, and also explain the motivation of the OW. Since a court of law would admit them, they aren't fundamentally inappropriate or invalid for a letter to the BS. If a BS wants the sweet little lies told by WS to be censored before BS can hear them.......well then it means to me that the BS doesn't want truth.

 

We go back and forth on this business of "should ex-OP tell?" This thread has pretty well convinced me that No is the best answer in almost every situation.

Of course people want the truth. In my situation, I had to consider the source. I found her to be no more honest than my wh. She did in fact lie to me, without me reaching out to her. Most bs do not trust the ws after discovering and affair, why on earth would they have reason to believe the ap? This OP already said in another post that she dislikes the wife.

[Hope Shimmers]

Of course people want the truth. In my situation, I had to consider the source. I found her to be no more honest than my wh. She did in fact lie to me, without me reaching out to her. Most bs do not trust the ws after discovering and affair, why on earth would they have reason to believe the ap? This OP already said in another post that she dislikes the wife.

 

I think I would want to know what the OW had to say (all of it) and then I could piece things together and decide what to believe.

 

Purple, your post is contradictory to me in a way because you are saying both that you want the truth, but that you don't want to hear from her as you wouldn't believe her anyway. That leads me to agree with SoleMate that in pretty much every case, the OW should not contact the BS about ANYTHING - ever. In any situation.

[purplesorrow]

I think I would want to know what the OW had to say (all of it) and then I could piece things together and decide what to believe.

 

Purple, your post is contradictory to me in a way because you are saying both that you want the truth, but that you don't want to hear from her as you wouldn't believe her anyway. That leads me to agree with SoleMate that in pretty much every case, the OW should not contact the BS about ANYTHING - ever. In any situation.

 

She is a stranger to me. A complete stranger, she doesn't care about me. What reason do I have to trust her? This is my situation, I can only speak for me. She contacted me and lied to me in the guise of apologizing. Yes, I wanted the truth and I wanted it from the person in the marriage with me. In no other situation would I believe the words of someone I don't know. Are you implying that I could only get the truth if the ow chimed in?

[Hope Shimmers]

She is a stranger to me. A complete stranger, she doesn't care about me. What reason do I have to trust her? This is my situation, I can only speak for me. She contacted me and lied to me in the guise of apologizing. Yes, I wanted the truth and I wanted it from the person in the marriage with me. In no other situation would I believe the words of someone I don't know. Are you implying that I could only get the truth if the ow chimed in?

 

I am implying no such thing. I am only saying that in some cases the WS may not be honest with the BS either and I think I would want to know if her story matched to his, for starters. And I am saying that I have to agree that this thread is very suggestive that the OW should not contact the BS at all. There is no point, if what most here are saying is true and she won't be believed anyway.