sisa Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 (edited) I was the OW, and have NC with the MM almost a month, recently I got the blame mail from his wife, originally I don't want to write back, becasue I am hurting too, but then I think maybe she will feel better if confirm that her husband and me no longer contact, here is the mail, if you are the BS, will you feel better if got this mail from OW? Recently I often think about when we first met, In the beginning, did not think that one day I will fall in love with your husband, At that time I had a long term boyfriend, we start together from college. One day we started write the mail, then gradually produce feelings between us, I know he is married, but I thought you are separated, Later learned that he was just working in other city, I did think about to leave him at that time, but I failed. If I made the decision two years ago, maybe now you will not be so heartbreaking, I would not be so sad. There was a time I thought that one day I could marry him and become his wife, and I hope you can accept me, After telling you the fact, you feel sad, and I feel very conflict. Later, he told me he is not going to marry me, and hope I can be his lover, In his mind, maybe I'm not a good wife material ever, No good woman would ever involve with a married man. Finally I told him, if he really liked me, and he should let me go, We had no contact for a while, and I often cry because reluctant, But I know that this decision is good for everyone in the end. No one willing to hurt others, In fact, I think i just jealous you, that can stay with him lifetime. I wish you can find your inner peace soon, and sorry for my selfishness hurt you. Edited June 20, 2014 by sisa 3
BetrayedH Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I do think that betrayed spouses many times really NEED the TRUTH. On top of that, I think you can offer an apology. If I remember your thread from the OM/OW forum, the BW thinks you're still in contact with her H when you're not. If I am right about that, I would focus on being very clear about what exactly IS true. For example, "I have not spoken with your husband since (date)." And I would take out anything about your feelings. Talking about your feelings just makes it sound like that's a good reason to keep sleeping with someone's husband. You should have stopped when you discovered he was married. Period. Apologize for that. Good luck. I hope you are trying to do right by her. 7
dichotomy Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 (edited) I did not think that one day I will fall in love with your husband. I did know he was married, but was lead to believe you were separated. I did think about leaving him at that time, but I failed. No good behaving woman would ever involve herself with a married man. I behaved poorly at the time. I wish you can find your inner peace soon, and I am very sorry my selfishness hurt you. I will stay out of your lives I would prefer short and to the point. Made Minor edits. Edited June 20, 2014 by dichotomy 2
fellini Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 (edited) As a BS I wouldn't want this specific letter. It's too much information that doesn't clarify what your purpose in writing is. As mentioned by others. Shorter, and to the point. In fact, I wouldn't spend too much time trying to explain things that are going to have her come right back to you and say wait, my H says it was you, or it never happened, or it was not his idea, etc. etc. UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE DRAWN INTO THEIR MESS What is your point? Stick with it... for example... I am no longer in contact with your H. I have respected the NC letter (if there was one) and have never failed. I offer my apology for participating in blah blah blah, and I hope that you find peace somehow from the mess that he and I have created in your life. Sincerely, In your letter you make reference to the fact that you didn't initially know he was married, you thought maybe separated, but later you show that you were not interested in ending it even though you knew he was married. So this kind of flip floppy "it wasn't exactly my fault" but then "I still didn't stop when the truth came to light" is not helpful. You either WERE or WERE NOT aware that you were involved with a married man. You knew the consequences of your actions. So say that. But you are not to blame for him, this part you do not have to take from her. You are saying some things in your letter that might just trigger this BS and cast all kinds of doubts about her position. Really it is now between her and her H to resolve their marital problems. The less you inject viruses, the better. Edited June 20, 2014 by fellini
jnel921 Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I agree with BH. Keep your own feelings out of it. You only need to confirm that you are no longer communicating with each other if this is your real intention for writing. I unfortunately had a phone conversation with the OW which I wished I hadn't and never happened again after that. I honestly didn't care about what she felt and in the end my H chose me and his family and I wasn't going to share anything that was happening next in our lives with her. I did tell her however that she should think about the men she chooses to be with. It was obvious they wanted her for sex. Which seems to be your situation as well as he proposed you become his lover. Seriously, ask yourself what kind of life is that? Who is being selfish here. I wish that ever OW/OM out there who feel hurt because they cannot have a monogamous relationship with their MM or MW really need to wake up and realize that if the person is in another committed relationship then you leave it alone. Great sex is not going to make someone want to be with you. In a M that is not what holds it together. M is a partnership that factors everything in life. It's not stolen moments or late night booty calls. So if you want to do MM wife a favor just let her know he is out of your life for good and focus on finding someone who is true to you and only you!
Author sisa Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 I wrote my feelings in mail is because I want to let her know I was serious in that relationship, not playing.
beatcuff Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I wrote my feelings in mail is because I want to let her know I was serious in that relationship, not playing. it has become very apparent over the past month or so (scanning countless threads) that BS only want information in police report format --- just cold facts do not stray. latest example: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/481708-but-sex-really-good-she-so-attractive they ONLY reason for you to reply is to make YOU feel better. and i seriously doubt it will, instead have a talk with a good friend. 1
Author sisa Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 or not write back is better, just left them alone, and focus on their things. 2
fellini Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 (edited) I wrote my feelings in mail is because I want to let her know I was serious in that relationship, not playing. More reason NOT to send the letter. The more you convince her the more serious you were, the more trouble she will have reconciling with her H if that is what she wants. Your feelings about her H are not going to help her at all. 1) You were seriously in love with her H: this means for us BS's that you might remain a threat to the marriage. Now she has to keep an eye on you and on him. (I am in this same situaiton. My WS fell in love with her AP and he fell hell high over heels in love with her - we are 18months down and apparently he is still hurting. So I have two people to worry about. 2) It wasn't serious: so my WS screwed up the rest of my life, my family, my marriage for what? NOTHING SERIOUS? There is no win-win, there is no win-lose. There is only lose-lose. If she is writing you to blame you for her husband's behaviour, she is still in early recovery. She hasn't even got to the point of facing what her husband has done to THEM. It's a form of denial. It's not your job to help her through the steps of recovery, and even less the steps of reconciliation. So my advise is go for a walk and enjoy the summer and move on with your life. Edited June 20, 2014 by fellini
BetrayedH Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Telling her your feelings isn't going to help her; it's just going to help you. What she needs are the facts (since she has been lied to and doesn't have a clue what to believe) and an apology without any justifications. If you are sorry, then say so and give her the truth. If you just want to make yourself feel better by saying that you didn't initially know he was married and didn't care when you did know he was married (because you were "in love") then don't bother. Is this letter about helping you or about helping her?
Author sisa Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 My intension was helping both, and also him maybe. telling truth and apologized for helping her, telling my part feelings for help myself, telling her we were no longer contact for helping him. I would modified my mail a bit to make it more short and clear, thank you for all the advice.
Hope Shimmers Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Telling her your feelings isn't going to help her; it's just going to help you. What she needs are the facts (since she has been lied to and doesn't have a clue what to believe) and an apology without any justifications. If you are sorry, then say so and give her the truth. If you just want to make yourself feel better by saying that you didn't initially know he was married and didn't care when you did know he was married (because you were "in love") then don't bother. Is this letter about helping you or about helping her? I get what you are saying here, but it's confusing because BS are always saying they want ALL the truth. So would that not include the facts that he wasn't honest about being married and that he eventually told her that he wasn't going to marry her but wanted her to be his lover? If I were a BS deciding whether to reconcile, I think that information would be critical to me. 2
Hope Shimmers Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 My intension was helping both, and also him maybe. telling truth and apologized for helping her, telling my part feelings for help myself, telling her we were no longer contact for helping him. I would modified my mail a bit to make it more short and clear, thank you for all the advice. Sisa, there is something about your original letter that comes off as very honest, sincere, and believable. That quality in my opinion is lost in the edited versions posted in replies (not that they aren't believable - just that it seems harder to read these and say "yes I can tell that is the truth") I am not a BS (or at least, not one who cared about saving her terrible marriage) but I think if I got this letter it would tell me the truth about what kind of relationship it was, what he said and did, and basically what kind of person you are. I think I would feel that I had facts from this letter while still wondering if what my WS was telling me were lies or the truth. It would be hard to read but at least I would know as much as possible about what went on and how serious it was or wasn't. 2
Realist3 Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I wrote my feelings in mail is because I want to let her know I was serious in that relationship, not playing. And why do you think she would care? That letter you wrote is almost cruel.
Snowflower Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I get what you are saying here, but it's confusing because BS are always saying they want ALL the truth. So would that not include the facts that he wasn't honest about being married and that he eventually told her that he wasn't going to marry her but wanted her to be his lover? If I were a BS deciding whether to reconcile, I think that information would be critical to me. Most BS's do want all the truth! And maybe I'm not in the best position to respond since the OW in my situation and I never had a conversation. But if I had had that conversation, I wouldn't have cared nor wanted to hear about the OWs feelings for my H. However, that is different than not wanting to learn the truth.
Hope Shimmers Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Most BS's do want all the truth! And maybe I'm not in the best position to respond since the OW in my situation and I never had a conversation. But if I had had that conversation, I wouldn't have cared nor wanted to hear about the OWs feelings for my H. However, that is different than not wanting to learn the truth. Point taken. I can see why the specific feelings might not be wanted, but I think I would want a sense of how serious the A was on both sides. That's what I felt was missing from some of the edited versions. Perhaps I didn't convey this well. I do think I would want the facts about what he said about not being married and asking her to be his lover, as well. 1
compulsivedancer Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Sisa, I was touched by your letter, but I was not a BS. (I was a WS and a MOW). I wanted to write an apology to my OM's GF, but I could never figure out how to word it without hurting her more. This is why I never sent it. I realized that the letter was in many ways about making her understand that OM had lied to me too, and that I had never considered her feelings because I didn't know she was being wronged. But would that help her heal? Probably not. So what's the point?
Author sisa Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 the truth is he pursue me three months and told me he was separated while he worked in another city. and told me he want to marry me and have two kids with me, I told he need to think clear, and he told he want me force him to devorce because he don't know how to deal my wish. I told him that he need to decide himself because I don't want he regret. one day he told me he want to make baby with me then everything will be clear, and he don't need to discuss these with her anymore. he told me he want she can just go out find her lover so he will feel not so stress and feel better. and told me his marriage is a mistake but he don't want his kids in the devorce family. It's the truth.
BetrayedH Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I get what you are saying here, but it's confusing because BS are always saying they want ALL the truth. So would that not include the facts that he wasn't honest about being married and that he eventually told her that he wasn't going to marry her but wanted her to be his lover? If I were a BS deciding whether to reconcile, I think that information would be critical to me. Oh, I agree. I just think she needs to stay with factual information. A lot of these apology letters are many times well-intentioned but end up including a lot of explanations of what the OW felt or 'why' she engaged in the affair. They end up just coming across as justifications. If you're sorry, don't give any explanations for why it was ok. But I think any factual information (including things that he said - no matter how painful) is perfectly relevant. And an OW that is truly apologetic for her role in betraying the wife won't be trying to protect the OM. Unlike some other posters, I'm not concerned about the truth getting in the way of 'wanting to reconcile.' If the BW actually knew the truth, she may very well change her mind. In this case, the BW is reaching out and clearly has some misinformation. I'd like to see her have the facts so that she can make an informed decision. Whether or not the OW loved the WH is pretty irrelevant. But what the WH said and did is very relevant. I hope that clarifies. Let me know if it doesn't. 1
BetrayedH Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 the truth is he pursue me three months and told me he was separated while he worked in another city. and told me he want to marry me and have two kids with me, I told he need to think clear, and he told he want me force him to devorce because he don't know how to deal my wish. I told him that he need to decide himself because I don't want he regret. one day he told me he want to make baby with me then everything will be clear, and he don't need to discuss these with her anymore. he told me he want she can just go out find her lover so he will feel not so stress and feel better. and told me his marriage is a mistake but he don't want his kids in the devorce family. It's the truth. And as painful as it might be, this is more of what she needs to hear. As you said, it the TRUTH. Give her the facts, apologize for your part, and give her a guarantee that you'll never be in contact with him again (and that you haven't been in contact with him at all since _____). That's my $.02 1
fellini Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 The truth is he lied to you. So telling her the lies he told you.... is supposed to be telling a truth? So now she has to figure out if he told you those things and meant it at the time, or told you those things, meant it at the time but changed his mind, or told you those things to get you into bed, or what? Which truth is helping her with all of this stuff? Did she ACTUALLY ask you for information in her letter to you? or was she just sounding off? I wrote the AP of my WS a letter, A YEAR LATER, but not because I am asking him to apologize to me, he will never do that, or to provoke him to tell me things that might prove my WS to be a liar. If her letter to you is asking for you to declare the truth about your relationship, then okay, but if she is just sounding off? Why get involved in this mess? You want to participate in this? Then answer, but did the letter ask you to reply? If not, I would leave it alone. Already it has you here in LS thinking about it, dwelling on it. Maybe you are over-thinking about what good this letter might do for anyone, even yourself. 1
purplesorrow Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I agree, stick to the truth of what happened. When my wh's ow sent me an 'apology' text, she started out by saying how the connection was instant and magical! "They" knew it was wrong but had no choice. there was nothing she could do to take it back and she sincerely apologized. I felt if it were really sincere, it would have felt that way on it's own merit. When I told her I had all of their emails... She then admitted to chasing and knew from day one he had no issues with me and even told her several times he didn't love her it was just sex. She apologized for trying to hurt me using an apology. I still don't know why she even bothered me.
Hope Shimmers Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 The truth is he lied to you. So telling her the lies he told you.... is supposed to be telling a truth? So now she has to figure out if he told you those things and meant it at the time, or told you those things, meant it at the time but changed his mind, or told you those things to get you into bed, or what? I'm struggling with understanding this. Doesn't a BS want to know that WS lied? Does it make a difference why he told the lies? I really think that if I were a BS it would be important to me to know that my WS told another woman he was single and then asked her to be his lover, and all the rest of what was in OP's latest post (the truth). Yes they were lies, but that is the point, correct? To know the extent that he was capable of in order to be with his AP? Would it help the BS heal? Maybe not, but if she didn't know these things, then it would be false healing or reconciliation, right? Or don't his earlier actions matter if he is truly reconciling? (I really am asking this as an honest question). I thought the whole point of reconciliation was getting all the truth out and then starting over. How can she make a decision of whether or not to reconcile if she doesn't know what he did? You have a point that it really matters why she wrote to OP in the first place. Did she want more information? If so, I would think she should get it.
purplesorrow Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I'm struggling with understanding this. Doesn't a BS want to know that WS lied? Does it make a difference why he told the lies? I really think that if I were a BS it would be important to me to know that my WS told another woman he was single and then asked her to be his lover, and all the rest of what was in OP's latest post (the truth). Yes they were lies, but that is the point, correct? To know the extent that he was capable of in order to be with his AP? Would it help the BS heal? Maybe not, but if she didn't know these things, then it would be false healing or reconciliation, right? Or don't his earlier actions matter if he is truly reconciling? (I really am asking this as an honest question). I thought the whole point of reconciliation was getting all the truth out and then starting over. How can she make a decision of whether or not to reconcile if she doesn't know what he did? You have a point that it really matters why she wrote to OP in the first place. Did she want more information? If so, I would think she should get it. I get what you are saying. In most cases the bs doesn't know the ap. The ap has just spent a lot of secret time through text, calls visits etc. As a bs I would have no reason to believe this person, especially when I am having difficulty believing my spouse. Without out knowing the person, how does one know if the motive is true or more self serving i.e. lying to create more problems.
Hope Shimmers Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I get what you are saying. In most cases the bs doesn't know the ap. The ap has just spent a lot of secret time through text, calls visits etc. As a bs I would have no reason to believe this person, especially when I am having difficulty believing my spouse. Without out knowing the person, how does one know if the motive is true or more self serving i.e. lying to create more problems. No, but I would think it would be better to have another side of the story since you can't necessarily believe the WS either. Especially if the BS asked for the information which seems to happen at least sometimes. But if not, then I see the point that the OP might as well not reply to the BS at all.
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