Zapbasket Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 What if I just want to try online dating as an experiment? My intentions right now are a bit convoluted. I am still recovering from a very hurtful relationship and breakup. I'm 37 and I want my next relationship to be the one that lasts for the long haul. I feel like I have more work to do on myself a) to fully recover from my previous relationship and b) ultimately to attract the relationship I want. In the meantime, would there be any harm in joining a dating site or a few for so-called "casual dating"? I've never really dated just for the fun of it; I've always only wanted a serious, committed relationship. If I joined an online site, that would still be my ultimate objective, but my short- and mid-term objective would be to just meet lots of men and expand my horizons a bit, maybe experiment with different kinds of men from the ones I usually go for. I have a few hesitations with this approach. The main one is, what if I meet someone in this process with whom I'm compatible and who is looking for a serious relationship--what I'm ultimately looking for, too--but there I am, not ready to pursue such? Isn't it kind-of disingenuous for me to be going on dates when I KNOW from the get-go that what I'm most TRULY looking for, I'm not ready for yet? My other hesitation is my own sexual appetite. It has been ten months since I've had sex (with my then long-term bf). I've only slept with four people in my life, three of them serious, long-term boyfriends, so I've never really just had casual flings. I don't know that I "need" to have this experience, but my thought was that if I let myself explore the physical side of "casual" dating here and there--making out and *maybe* sex or a fling here and there--then it might help me keep my head clear for when I AM ready to exclusively and actively seek a serious, committed partnership again. (Meaning, I won't be sexually starved into making a bad judgment.) There seem to be two schools of thought about healing and growing as a person and potential relationship partner. One is, spend time on your own, focused on yourself and your other (non-romantic) relationships and goals, and don't start dating until you are ready for something serious. The other is to get out there and play the field. I'm not sure which is the truly better way? I should mention that I am actively working on myself to choose a different kind of man than the ones I've chosen in the past--someone whole, who has no ambivalence about being in an intimate, committed relationship and who has the capability and maturity to show up to a relationship on a consistent, emotionally meaningful and present basis. So one part of me thinks that if this is what I want, then I should go out into the dating world BEING that myself, not with some mish-mosh of, "Well, ultimately I want a serious, long-term relationship but right now I'm not ready and just want to explore my options." Another part of me thinks that the best way (in addition to therapy, some self-help reading, etc.) to retrain my "man-picker" is to get out there and exercise it, and make "mistakes" when the stakes are casual. What are your thoughts / experiences?
beach Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Casual dating is fun as long as you're clear about your intentions. Can you do sex without attachment? I did experiment with that several years ago - it was fun but I had to keep reminding myself that my emotions don't need to be/get attached because of sex. I learned how to keep a solid, healthy boundary by doing my experiment... It's worth a try!
deathandtaxes Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 You're overthinking this way too much. Just go out, date, ****, meet people, etc. 1
PegNosePete Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Using other people as an "experiment" is, IMO, in poor taste. Sure if you want to casually date then go for it. But if you put this as your intent then I think you will find most guys with similar intent are looking for FWB. I'm not sure your experience with OLD would be a pleasant one. In your age range (same as mine), the good, decent guys are looking for a long term partner and will be put off by your casual attitude; whereas the horndogs will flock to you. If you do decide to go for it then I think you'll need even thicker skin than usual to weed out the few good matches amongst the deluge of ONS-seekers that you'll attract. If you're ready for that, then good... otherwise you'll quickly become one of the "OLD is full of douchebags" brigade.
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 It's full of people like you online. When you create your profile just pick Wants to Date - Not looking for anything serious. Make your intention clear in your profile. Go out and have fun. On the sex aspect: Some people chose to have a fwb while looking for the one. They feel if their sexual urges are taken care of they will have more patience while looking for a serious prospect. I have tried that and discovered that if my sexual needs are met I am less interested and alert while looking for the one. To be on the prowl I need that sexual energy with me, that is what makes me good at flirting and playing the femme fatale. But, for now it's not your concern, you are not ready to be looking for a serious prospect so have all the fun you want and make sure your partner knows it's just fun.
PegNosePete Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 On the sex aspect: Some people chose to have a fwb while looking for the one. They feel if their sexual urges are taken care of they will have more patience while looking for a serious prospect. I have tried that and discovered that if my sexual needs are met I am less interested and alert while looking for the one. There's also the strong possibility that any decent guy will be completely put off by the fact that you have an FWB. I certainly would. I don't want to date someone who is getting banged by some other dude. No thank you. 1
ponchsox Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I have found that most women online are just looking for a fling or casual dating with sex but they won't tell you this. If you happen to fall in love, the next thing they leave you for someone else leaving you heartbroken. Have these conversations right up front everyone is clear what the intentions are.
central Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Be up front about wanting casual dating and nothing serious when you create your profile for online dating, or when you meet someone in real life. ALL dating is casual - until you meet someone who changes your mind or meets your criteria for long term.
thekid36 Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 What if I just want to try online dating as an experiment? My intentions right now are a bit convoluted. I am still recovering from a very hurtful relationship and breakup. I'm 37 and I want my next relationship to be the one that lasts for the long haul. I feel like I have more work to do on myself a) to fully recover from my previous relationship and b) ultimately to attract the relationship I want. In the meantime, would there be any harm in joining a dating site or a few for so-called "casual dating"? I've never really dated just for the fun of it; I've always only wanted a serious, committed relationship. If I joined an online site, that would still be my ultimate objective, but my short- and mid-term objective would be to just meet lots of men and expand my horizons a bit, maybe experiment with different kinds of men from the ones I usually go for. I have a few hesitations with this approach. The main one is, what if I meet someone in this process with whom I'm compatible and who is looking for a serious relationship--what I'm ultimately looking for, too--but there I am, not ready to pursue such? Isn't it kind-of disingenuous for me to be going on dates when I KNOW from the get-go that what I'm most TRULY looking for, I'm not ready for yet? My other hesitation is my own sexual appetite. It has been ten months since I've had sex (with my then long-term bf). I've only slept with four people in my life, three of them serious, long-term boyfriends, so I've never really just had casual flings. I don't know that I "need" to have this experience, but my thought was that if I let myself explore the physical side of "casual" dating here and there--making out and *maybe* sex or a fling here and there--then it might help me keep my head clear for when I AM ready to exclusively and actively seek a serious, committed partnership again. (Meaning, I won't be sexually starved into making a bad judgment.) There seem to be two schools of thought about healing and growing as a person and potential relationship partner. One is, spend time on your own, focused on yourself and your other (non-romantic) relationships and goals, and don't start dating until you are ready for something serious. The other is to get out there and play the field. I'm not sure which is the truly better way? I should mention that I am actively working on myself to choose a different kind of man than the ones I've chosen in the past--someone whole, who has no ambivalence about being in an intimate, committed relationship and who has the capability and maturity to show up to a relationship on a consistent, emotionally meaningful and present basis. So one part of me thinks that if this is what I want, then I should go out into the dating world BEING that myself, not with some mish-mosh of, "Well, ultimately I want a serious, long-term relationship but right now I'm not ready and just want to explore my options." Another part of me thinks that the best way (in addition to therapy, some self-help reading, etc.) to retrain my "man-picker" is to get out there and exercise it, and make "mistakes" when the stakes are casual. What are your thoughts / experiences? I think you have a pretty good perspective on all of this. Getting over a hurtful breakup is never easy. Rushing into something may not be the best bet right now. But, the key word there is may. What I mean by this is that all in life is specific. There is no one right time to do anything. No one right way to meet someone. No one right amount of time before first having sex. Not that you have to start your next relationship today. But, not that you have to not do so either. I do seem to get what you are saying. You still want a long term thing but also are contemplating having some fun in the short term. Plus, you seem to miss having sex. The lucky man who is the next to have sex with you may be in for the ride of his life! But, seriously. You need to realize that moving forward, you are in control of what happens. You have to find the path that best works for you. Not the one that society says you should seek. Being sexually starved is never fun. I would just keep the eyes open and see what happens to come about. Not that you go out and look for sex, per-se. Not much good comes of what is forced. But, letting what is going to happen come to you may not be the worst approach. Another possibility of course is trying to find some fun online. Not that it is the same as having actual sex. But, it may be something interesting and safe to explore. You seem like an analytical person. I notice this because of being the same exact way. It is actually a very attractive trait. The thing that I have learned though is that relationships and sex are not things you can really think about all the time. Sometimes, you just need to simply feel. Much easier said than done, of course. But, still something to think about. I actually know of a situation in which a woman came out of an abusive relationship and swore off men for awhile. Until one day, she happened to come across a man who made her feel more comfortable than ever before. Someone who just totally got her. It was someone she could be herself with. A man who made her eyes roll in the back of her head just from having fun on the phone. They are basically moving in together next Sunday.
still_an_Angel Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Casual dating could be fun, just keep your eyes open for the creepy guys and those who have the potential to cause trouble for your heart. You need to guard your feelings all the time, specially if you decide to have sex with someone. I did it for about a year and met very good people (as well as serious trolls). After heaps of coffee dates and some flings, I've made up my mind as to what type of relationship I am ready for. Have fun and take care, always let someone know where you're going and who you're meeting.
ktya Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Im the same age as the OP and doing the same thing. I was always looking for a relationship and ended up in some pretty bad ones. I find casual multi dating a lot of fun and wish i did more of it when i was younger. It does wear thin at times, when you just want someone to be reliably there to spend time with and all your dates are busy. But im finding that when you meet someone and enter a relationship go exclusive, etc, you may invest too much into making it work with the wrong person. Casual multi dating is also a bit of a game changer. You are able to sleep with other people and they are too, i think it really shows you who you truly love when there is no ownership or jealousy and when your free to sleep with whoever you want. Im not into open relationships or anything it just helps to see and feel from a different perspeftive.
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