MrGuy Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 My girlfriend lacks it. She showed quite a bit yesterday though (though i asked her if she could start showing affection, I'm not a huge fan of having to ask her for it, it should come naturally). I always try to show it everyday but so far today she hasn't showed any, she's also on vacation with her family for 2 weeks. My question is, is it good to show affection every day? or have it spread out?
MissBee Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Affection isn't something you ration out....it should be something natural and freely given because you want to. You're naturally affectionate or you aren't, although it's normal that you may be worried about stuff, stressed, or other things that make you less affectionate on a particular day. My bf is very affectionate and so am I, neither of us really think about it, it's just natural and frankly, it's important to me and I couldn't really be with someone who isn't naturally that way or worse thinks they must ration it out and act like affection is in a finite quantity. 1
Author MrGuy Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 Affection isn't something you ration out....it should be something natural and freely given because you want to. You're naturally affectionate or you aren't, although it's normal that you may be worried about stuff, stressed, or other things that make you less affectionate on a particular day. My bf is very affectionate and so am I, neither of us really think about it, it's just natural and frankly, it's important to me and I couldn't really be with someone who isn't naturally that way or worse thinks they must ration it out and act like affection is in a finite quantity. It's unfortunate b/c i feel like every time my girlfriend gives me affection it's a chore or something she HAS to do. I rarely feel that when she gives it, it feels natural. I tried talking about to her but she doesn't know why it doesn't feel natural and it frustrates me so much. How am i suppose to know what's going on with her if she doesn't even know? I feel like she does but she just doesn't want to tell me. Any who like i said I hate having to ask for affection i shouldn't have to. Makes me feel like I'm not worth it, upsets me greatly.
PegNosePete Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Asking for affection (or anything else in this vein) puts her in an impossible situation. If she doesn't give you it, she is denying your request. If she gives you it, she is only giving it because you asked her. Lose-lose. I would never ask anyone for this (or similar such as compliments, favours, marriage proposal etc), and if anyone asked me I would point out the impossible situation they've put me in. Does she express her affection for you in other ways? Words, gifts, housework, etc? 4
Frank2thepoint Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 It's unfortunate b/c i feel like every time my girlfriend gives me affection it's a chore or something she HAS to do. I rarely feel that when she gives it, it feels natural. I tried talking about to her but she doesn't know why it doesn't feel natural and it frustrates me so much. How am i suppose to know what's going on with her if she doesn't even know? I feel like she does but she just doesn't want to tell me. Any who like i said I hate having to ask for affection i shouldn't have to. Makes me feel like I'm not worth it, upsets me greatly. I understand your situation perfectly. I experienced the same situation with my first ex. She wasn't comfortable with giving affection, but didn't mind receiving it from me. Even when I brought it up, asked for more, she didn't even oblige me. The simple truth is incompatibility. If you find yourself starving of affection, you two are not compatible. It's really that simple. As others have posted, giving affection should come natural. If this is bothering you now, it will get worse as time goes on, where the relationship will suffer because of it, and resentment will occur. Also, no you can't just turn this part of yourself off. I can't be in a relationship with a woman that doesn't freely, naturally give it to me. You should really consider just breaking off the relationship amicably. 1
Got it Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I recommend reading Five Love Languages. For you physical affection is important but it may not be her love language. It will help you guys understand how best to make the other feel loved and won't feel like you are making her give you more affection. Just learning how to speak each other's language.
WrinkledForehead Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Affection isn't something you ration out....it should be something natural and freely given because you want to. You're naturally affectionate or you aren't, although it's normal that you may be worried about stuff, stressed, or other things that make you less affectionate on a particular day. My bf is very affectionate and so am I, neither of us really think about it, it's just natural and frankly, it's important to me and I couldn't really be with someone who isn't naturally that way or worse thinks they must ration it out and act like affection is in a finite quantity. Verbatim. 10...
d0nnivain Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 When we first met my husband was not affectionate. It wasn't something he did. I had to ask for it & teach him how to deliver it. He's gotten much better. The people we date (& marry) can't read our minds. If you can be specific & tell them what you want, the ones who genuinely care about you will work to give it to you. For example, I'm waiting on some medical test results & I'm a little scared. I shared that with DH last night & told him dinner would be ready in a few minutes. When it was ready, I called him to the kitchen but he said that he wasn't hungry & preferred to stay in the office. I ate my dinner alone & barely held in the tears. When he came out to get a drink he asked me what was wrong & I blasted him saying I just told you I was scared but you can't even manage to come sit with me to comfort me. He realized that I wasn't upset about dinner but that I was genuinely scared, more than he realized. He also figured out that he blew it so he made a small plate & sat down. We didn't really talk but I felt so much better because he finally "got it".
AnneT1985 Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I agree with the PP's. Affection varies by individual and doesn't at all mean she doesn't care for you. She just might show it in other ways. Best of luck! xx
Snakechammah Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 How do you define showing affection? Through words? Actions? There are many levels of affections, what exactly are you seeking, OP?
Author MrGuy Posted June 28, 2014 Author Posted June 28, 2014 How do you define showing affection? Through words? Actions? There are many levels of affections, what exactly are you seeking, OP? Saying I love you, miss you, I want you. That's what affection is to me which there is a huge lack of this past week. She's still out on vacation with her family and she barely said anything nice to me in fact she actually got upset with me b/c i recently found out i'm very sick and I can actually suffer a heart attack. I'm only 26 lol... This was her response. I'm upset b/c i told you time and time again to take better care of yourself and you didn't, now this is happening. It's very frustrating, yea i'm worried about you but definitely don't have your priorities straight. I kind of understand where she's coming from but i still think she's not showing anything. Please tell me i'm wrong?
Author MrGuy Posted June 28, 2014 Author Posted June 28, 2014 Any one have advice or an opinion on what i just said? Thank you
Snakechammah Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 Saying I love you, miss you, I want you. That's what affection is to me which there is a huge lack of this past week. She's still out on vacation with her family and she barely said anything nice to me in fact she actually got upset with me b/c i recently found out i'm very sick and I can actually suffer a heart attack. I'm only 26 lol... This was her response. I'm upset b/c i told you time and time again to take better care of yourself and you didn't, now this is happening. It's very frustrating, yea i'm worried about you but definitely don't have your priorities straight. I kind of understand where she's coming from but i still think she's not showing anything. Please tell me i'm wrong? Hmm... not all girls are big on affections. From her response, she sounds more maternal, that in itself, can be her way of showing she cares... moms nag because they care, you know? But ok, granted, she's not your mom but she could have a lot of maternal energy in her... I believe affections is directly tied to emotions. If she's feeling the love, she would naturally be affectionate, if she doesn't, maybe she's not feeling it? Is there an underlying issue? Do you have other problems that trigger this lack of affection? It could be a symptom of something else. Have a good talk with her and see what's on her mind. Good luck!
Author MrGuy Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 We use to fight almost everyday, we haven't for a few weeks. So yea we had a lot of problems a for awhile. Maternal affection though? I guess that makes sense, but she just never shows much or asks often of how i am in general. Mostly her texts consists of what she is up to and tries to keep me up to date on things but never really asks how i'm doing or how I'm feeling. Just sucks b/c i tell her time and time again that i need affection. I want it and she knows this but she shows it for a few days then it's like she completely forgets about it and i have to remind her again and it frustrates me so much.
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 I'm Italian/French and affection and PDA is part of my DNA. When you're naturally affectionate it makes it challenging to be with someone who isn't. I've been here before many times and it's always been a struggle. Everyone expresses their love differently. I would highly recommend you and your woman read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Awesome book. The book outlines five ways to express and experience love called "love languages". They are (1) gifts, (2) quality time, (3) words of affirmation, (4) acts of service, and (5) physical touch. Chapman argues that, emotionally, people need to receive love. He also writes that people should not use the love languages that they like the most but rather the love languages that their loved ones can receive. We can have more than one love language but usually there is one dominant one. For example, my dominant love language is physical touch followed closely by words of affirmation. I need physical affection (including but not exclusively sex) in order to feel loved, appreciated, wanted and especially connected to my partner. When I don't get it, I struggle. The kicker in all of this is that it isn't good enough just to know YOUR love language but you need to know your partners's love language and then express THAT love to them so THEY feel loved. Anyways, it's a very interesting read and one that has changed my life if only to better understand myself. It might shed some light on you and your relationship but as I've said countless time before on this forum, it only works if you BOTH work it. Good luck.
Author MrGuy Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 I'm Italian/French and affection and PDA is part of my DNA. When you're naturally affectionate it makes it challenging to be with someone who isn't. I've been here before many times and it's always been a struggle. Everyone expresses their love differently. I would highly recommend you and your woman read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Awesome book. The book outlines five ways to express and experience love called "love languages". They are (1) gifts, (2) quality time, (3) words of affirmation, (4) acts of service, and (5) physical touch. Chapman argues that, emotionally, people need to receive love. He also writes that people should not use the love languages that they like the most but rather the love languages that their loved ones can receive. We can have more than one love language but usually there is one dominant one. For example, my dominant love language is physical touch followed closely by words of affirmation. I need physical affection (including but not exclusively sex) in order to feel loved, appreciated, wanted and especially connected to my partner. When I don't get it, I struggle. The kicker in all of this is that it isn't good enough just to know YOUR love language but you need to know your partners's love language and then express THAT love to them so THEY feel loved. Anyways, it's a very interesting read and one that has changed my life if only to better understand myself. It might shed some light on you and your relationship but as I've said countless time before on this forum, it only works if you BOTH work it. Good luck. This seems very interesting, I think ill have to take grab two copies of the book then. My only hope is that she's willing to read the book. My feeling is she probably won't want to, but who knows.
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 (edited) You can also access the test online at Home | The 5 Love Languages®. And yes, there in lies the problem, getting your partner to get on board with this as well. This book was recommended to me and my ex husband by our therapist when we were going through a very difficult patch in our relationship. It was to help us better understand ourselves but also one another and ultimately help our marriage. My ex was not at all interested and if/when he did partake in anything the therapist suggested, he did so halfheartedly. We are now divorced which should say something about how important it is to work together. Like I said, it only works if both people are willing to work at it and if not, you'll have to make some hard decisions about what you're willing to live with and without. Good luck! Edited June 29, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle
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