ccole93 Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 To clarify: my boss is a 36 M and I am a 20 F. We have known each other for three years now. I'm sorry that I have a lot of examples but I pay really close attention to body language. This has been on and off over the past three years. I had a crush on him from day one but obviously hid it because, you know, I don't want to get fired or make him uncomfortable. But as time has progressed he's started getting more flirty and it kind of kills me on the inside. Last year I was sitting in a room that bridges the store to his office. I was on the counter and he was passing through and I made a teasing comment that I was almost as tall as him. He's 6'1" and I'm 5'2". He stepped close to me, almost to my legs, and smiled, shook his head, stared right into my freaking eyes, and said, "No, you aren't." I couldn't even look at him! Another incident was when I asked him to feel how cold my fingers were. He did, which was out of character for him, and told me to feel his. When I did he squeezed his fingers around my thumb. This happened a few weeks ago. The only other major incident was also before I left for school. We were going into the office where another manager was and he was kicking at my feet or something. She threw the door open and said, "Why don't you two get it over with and date already!" I was sort of flustered because that's what I wanted so I only managed to mutter something about killing him if we were to date. And he didn't get uncomfortable like I figured he would. He laughed but didn't say anything. I went off to school and came back last month. He teases me relentlessly, but he does have some degree of this behavior with my other coworkers. Not the men but the way he and I interact is a bit different. He doesn't touch me: it's a good way to get a sexual harassment suit so that's never happened. I have some weird tics, like pressing my fingers together and rubbing my stomach when I'm nervous. He copies me when I do them and I pretend it annoys me and he laughs. When we get near each other we kick at one another's feet and sometimes he lightly steps on my toes. He doesn't flinch away when I touch him. I've pushed him out of my way a few times and he only moves if another employee is near us. And uh... this is going to sound bad, but it's another teasing thing we do. When I talk back he slaps his hands next to my ears to make them ring and I told him I was going to start hitting him back for doing it. So he does it even more now and laughs at me when I smack his arm. I don't do it hard or anything; just teasingly. It stands to mention that he doesn't do this with anyone else. We pretend to glare at each other until one of us breaks and laughs. But I do this with a lot of my coworkers, except with him I keep eye contact for a longer time. There are other random things he does. If I snip at him he mocks me and we go back and forth for a while. But sometimes I feel like I'm getting really mixed messages. I try grabbing his wrist to look at his watch when he takes my phone and he won't let me. He puts price stickers on me sometimes but when I try to do it to him he avoids it completely. Is that more teasing or genuinely avoiding my touch? He doesn't get mad when he does it and sometimes he lets me. He's intensely private, too. I know he isn't married and has no kids but he's mentioned a girlfriend once or twice over the entire time I've known him. I know he lives alone (which... sounds kind of creepy). I drove him home a few times but he was always sort of weird about it. I don't know if he realized I was attracted to him and was trying to avoid escalating it, or he was attracted to me and didn't want anything to happen. He can be really distant and everyone says men ask a lot of personal questions when they're interested in you. So, no comprendo. I'm not going to say anything to him about it until I quit or he moves to another job. Then I will because what the hell is the point in bottling up my feelings for the rest of my life? I don't know if it would be reciprocated in any way or if I'm reading him wrong. ALSO, before everyone tells me getting involved with your boss is a bad idea: I'm quite aware of that, which is why I've kept my mouth shut. That said, this isn't like a $40k a year job. I may be quitting in the next couple of months or he might be leaving so if either of those situations happen I'm going to make my feelings known. The age difference doesn't bother me. My parents are 11 years apart and happily married.
Assasda Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Sounds like he knows that you like him, and he plays on that. Whether he likes you or not, you may never know right now. -I think you both are trying to play it cool and not get involved with each other because of the work dilemma. He definitely knows that you like him though
d0nnivain Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I agree there is some flirting going on. He may very well be happy to keep it at just that. At a minium, he may be wary of a sexual harrassment suit or the age difference may creep him out. Flirting with a 17-20 year old is one thing; as a grown man, actually dating somebody who is not yet old enough to get into a bar in the US is a whole other ball game.
Author ccole93 Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 Sounds like he knows that you like him, and he plays on that. Whether he likes you or not, you may never know right now. -I think you both are trying to play it cool and not get involved with each other because of the work dilemma. He definitely knows that you like him though Ugh... it's such torture having to stay inches behind the line. :/
Author ccole93 Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 I agree there is some flirting going on. He may very well be happy to keep it at just that. At a minium, he may be wary of a sexual harrassment suit or the age difference may creep him out. Flirting with a 17-20 year old is one thing; as a grown man, actually dating somebody who is not yet old enough to get into a bar in the US is a whole other ball game. I'm going to be 21 in a few months and while I agree it's uncomfortable for some people, I'm an old soul. I've always preferred men with at least 10 years on me. So, I dunno if he's getting bolder because I'm getting older, because he hired me at 17 and didn't behave this way back then. Not that I thought he would. That would've been weird... But now I'm set to graduate college and pursue becoming a veterinarian.
d0nnivain Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 See what happens when you are at least 21 & close to no longer being in his employ.
Author ccole93 Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 Age difference is too great. The end. Er... no. It's five years more than my parents, who have been married for 23 years, and the same as my grandparents, who were married for 40 until the day my grandmother passed away. Thanks anyway.
Strength in Healing Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Er... no. It's five years more than my parents, who have been married for 23 years, and the same as my grandparents, who were married for 40 until the day my grandmother passed away. Thanks anyway. I like when people try and fight back against my psychological predictions. Thank YOU for playing. Be sure to keep us all updated. Please. They're from a far different generation.
Author ccole93 Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 I like when people try and fight back against my psychological predictions. Thank YOU for playing. Be sure to keep us all updated. Please. They're from a far different generation. I don't know why you need to be so caustic and defensive. Studies show that couples with age differences have no greater incidence of divorce, except when the woman is older. "A different generation" has little to do with it in the eyes of statistics rather than your predictions.
Strength in Healing Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I don't know why you need to be so caustic and defensive. Studies show that couples with age differences have no greater incidence of divorce, except when the woman is older. "A different generation" has little to do with it in the eyes of statistics rather than your predictions. The second part of my Psy.D dissertation has to do with age differences in relationships and the reasons why they can't be overcame in this generation effectively. I'd be happy to discuss it with you, will probably save you a lot of time. If not, please keep me updated on your situation, I could use you as an example in the dissertation if you'd allow for it.
Author ccole93 Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 The second part of my Psy.D dissertation has to do with age differences in relationships and the reasons why they can't be overcame in this generation effectively. I'd be happy to discuss it with you, will probably save you a lot of time. If not, please keep me updated on your situation, I could use you as an example in the dissertation if you'd allow for it. Feel free to elaborate. I'm looking for input.
Strength in Healing Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 A lot of what I've found has to do with social media, and the ways at which it's affected our socialization and relationships; in particular, how we perceive communication. But, in a much more practical way, your mind just hasn't matured enough yet. You have a ways to go. You will still make significant changes in the coming years. He is fully formed, however, and his mind, hormones, etc., are declining now physiologically. He is on the way out, and you are not even really on the way in yet. The type of commitment it would take to overcome THESE alone are significant, and I'm just scratching the surface of a couple hundred page research paper. If you want, you can tell me much more about you and about him, and I could make a better assessment. Odds are against you though, perhaps 100 to 1?
Author ccole93 Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 A lot of what I've found has to do with social media, and the ways at which it's affected our socialization and relationships; in particular, how we perceive communication. But, in a much more practical way, your mind just hasn't matured enough yet. You have a ways to go. You will still make significant changes in the coming years. He is fully formed, however, and his mind, hormones, etc., are declining now physiologically. He is on the way out, and you are not even really on the way in yet. The type of commitment it would take to overcome THESE alone are significant, and I'm just scratching the surface of a couple hundred page research paper. If you want, you can tell me much more about you and about him, and I could make a better assessment. Odds are against you though, perhaps 100 to 1? I've had worse, but those are good points. What do you want to know?
jbelle6 Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I find it hard to tell stuff like this when we only have one side to go off of. When someone has a big crush they can analyze small things to death that the other person really doesn't put much thought into. I had an older boss and we would act similar to what you describe, he's not into women so it wasn't flirting, he was just very fond of me. Could be flirting, could just be that he thinks you're a nice kid. I don't know. The age difference is large, I don't think the difference would phase me if you were 30 and he were 46, it's just you are probably still in school and not even really sure where you will end up in life really, what you want at 20 will most likely be A LOT different than what you want when you are 30. I know your parents had an age difference but our parents and Grandparents did all kinds of different things back then that would not really be a great idea or just aren't done now. I think back then people just got their jobs and stayed put where they were, so nothing really changed much for them as the years went on. For the first time ever I actually dated a younger guy this past relationship, and wow, what a difference even 5 years made. I guess my advice is to not let this crush stop you from dating others, especially while you are still employed there.
littleplanet Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Hoo! Age difference conundrums aside.... #1 You're attracted to your boss #2 He's watched you grow up somewhat (and may mentally still see you as a teenager) #3 But at any rate, he's still your boss. You are his employee. His own code of conduct may very well pre-empt any other notions on his part. #4 Sure.......if it matters to you as much as you say it does, then at some appropriate time you can make your feelings known. It doesn't sound like you'll be colleagues forever.....so you can afford the wait. And back to the age difference thing for a moment... I know an awful lot of young women who are attracted to older men (I work with a gazzillion coeds in a university setting) but I am decidedly spoken for - so no worries for me. Normal? Natural? Of course! I'd call on those 100 to 1 odds. Raise it by a stack of chips.
jbelle6 Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I find it hard to tell stuff like this when we only have one side to go off of. When someone has a big crush they can analyze small things to death that the other person really doesn't put much thought into. I had an older boss and we would act similar to what you describe, he's not into women so it wasn't flirting, he was just very fond of me. Could be flirting, could just be that he thinks you're a nice kid. I don't know. The age difference is large, I don't think the difference would phase me if you were 30 and he were 46, it's just you are probably still in school and not even really sure where you will end up in life really, what you want at 20 will most likely be A LOT different than what you want when you are 30. I know your parents had an age difference but our parents and Grandparents did all kinds of different things back then that would not really be a great idea or just aren't done now. I think back then people just got their jobs and stayed put where they were, so nothing really changed much for them as the years went on. For the first time ever I actually dated a younger guy this past relationship, and wow, what a difference even 5 years made. I guess my advice is to not let this crush stop you from dating others, especially while you are still employed there.
Author ccole93 Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 Just wanted to post a quick update. We went to the movies last weekend with another coworker. She wanted to go alone with him but he was apparently uncomfortable with that and suggested she invite me to go along with them. She didn't seem terribly pleased but asked anyway. We all went and had a pretty good time. We've been texting more back and forth. He's initiated our past two conversations, which is a far cry from when I could hardly get him to answer me. We had a steady conversation for six hours Wednesday night and another five last night. We just kind of shoot the ****: talk about hiking, work (minimally, lol), television, comedians. It was a pleasant surprise that he's more open. He offhandedly mentioned he wanted to see another movie and I said "Movie date?!" and he said "You want to go see it??" I told him I was up for it and he said "Okay then, movie date." I asked if we were bringing another coworker this time and he said "we can if you want..", so I said I was okay with it just being us. He said "well then, just you and me." Last night he kinda threw me for a loop. I asked if you can send back your kids if you don't like what they look like (joking, obviously!) and he said "no, they're for keepsies. Just make sure you have cute kids." I said "well I know my genetic half will be pretty and perfect" and he said "that I am sure of." I thought he was teasing so I called him out and he said "Well think what you will. it was the truth... but now I take it back." I didn't know if that was like an indirect compliment to me being pretty? Lol. But it's been encouraging. He's opening up a lot to me and I think he's taking the hint more clearly. He touched me for the first time ever the other day--I even pointed that out to him. He pretended to hit my arm and did the same to my kidney-area. He brings up our conversations, too, but not in front of other people. I haven't told anyone I've been texting him. We were up talking until past midnight last night. So it's gradual progress, I hope. Thanks to everyone for their advice and feel free to let me know what you think of the change.
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