tornapart2002 Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Husband of OW left a comment on my business page on FB this morning. I thought he was banned from when this all first started. I banned him and deleted comments again today. They weren't bad comments at all, but I have a feeling he's been watching my page, waiting for a chance to let me know he's watching. I have him blocked on my personal page. I dind't even think I could see comments from him if they were left, so asked my family to watch it for me. Yeah..they obviously didn't. Ha. I did it so fast I didn't even check to see if he tried to message me there. I know things are getting tense with him and FOW because of various reasons, mainly their impending divorce. He left her for someone else. Anyhow, I'm a bit on edge now. He doesn't have the best reputation in our area. As far as I know he isn't in our area, but still. I wonder if he'll try to blackmail our family in some way. Believe me I have some dirt on him that could land him in jail so I don't think he would even try. Guess I'm just sharing because I'm on edge. Not planning to do anything about it other than what I did. Deleted his comments, banned him (had to block him on FB or 48 hours to make sure he was banned) and told FWH. FWH said if he tries blackmail he will go to the police. I pointed out he'd have to tell the police (some of which we know personally) what's going on and he said "So..then I tell them..." We reminded each other that many people in our town have their own skeletons in their closet.
BetrayedH Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Wow, that sounds backwards. I wouldn't expect a BH to he hassling you, especially if he is divorcing his WW (or even moreso if he was already in the process of divorcing her). How odd. What does he want with you? In my situation, I informed the other man's wife. After a few days, she called to thank me (she was blindsided like me). We communicated once or twice after that but she eventually cut me off because she was reconciling. But I certainly wasn't stalking or harrasing her and can't imagine why I would. 3
Artie Lang Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 i haven't read up on your situation, but did you and him ever exchange information about the affair. was he harrassing you in some way, and this being the reason you blocked him. maybe he just wants some answers.
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 He tried to get information from me about 10-11 months ago. The problem was, things were just starting to unravel on this end and I didn't have all the proof. The conversation was brief and online. I told my WS that this guy was contacting me to try to pressure WS into telling me the truth. WS apparently contacted OW and immediately told her what was going on. WS was in ahotel at the time. This was DDay 1, before I started digging for more information and had DDay 2, the real DDay about a week later. So OWs BH starts yelling at me about why did I tell my WS that we were talking. I knew then that OW and WS were trying to cover their tracks/asses and that this thing was way bigger than just my husband helping them move and buying a few nice things for OW. OWs BH was trying to get info out of me and gave me info that WS was going to visit OW in the state she was now living in. He wanted to know what I knew. I only knew about the gifts. I didn't know who to trust at this point, was totally messed up in the head and felt they were all sitting there laughing at me and my stupidity and it was some big joke. I also thought OW and her BH were trying to get money out of my family. They always seem to be broke. So I thought this was a way for him to blackmail me. It was a severely confusing time. I blocked him and her immediately because I had been told by someone who knew them they were bragging that they had gotten money out of my husband (a hell of a lot of money actually) and had done so by blackmailing him with the threat of telling me that he'd slept with the wife. It was all so messed up and I still don't know if it is true or not. THe OW's BH is a predatory sex offender, in my opinion, who hasn't been caught yet. His current conquest is 17 and he got her pregnant at 15 or 16. He's also a repeat cheater, a scammer, etc. There is another incident involving hacking our phones but I've detailed enough here that I could get myself in trouble if he finds it. OWs, BH wants more info, I'm sure, because he wants leverage in divorce proceedings. THe only problem? He wants custody of their two children and I don't think any judge in their right mind would give it to him considering his age and the fact his girlfriend is underage and had their baby. All of this is so far removed from my world, I can't even believe I'm part of it or been dragged into it. It's surreal. Seriously surreal. I had hoped this stuff didn't happen in real life, but yet, here I am...watching it apparently unfold around me like some horrible horror movie. If anyone knew the lifestyle I was raised in (no...not wealthy or of privelege) they'd be baffled how I ended up here. Thanks to WH I have ended up here, though. i haven't read up on your situation, but did you and him ever exchange information about the affair. was he harrassing you in some way, and this being the reason you blocked him. maybe he just wants some answers.
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 This whole thing is backwards. seriously. And this guy apparently isn't very logical at all.... Not from what I can tell from brief encounters with him and from watching him closely on FB. Everyone tells me I shouldn't look at his page, but I do because he likes to brag about his plans and because he makes me dang nervous!!! But today, I'm fairly calm. On edge, but otherwise pretty calm. Wow, that sounds backwards. I wouldn't expect a BH to he hassling you, especially if he is divorcing his WW (or even moreso if he was already in the process of divorcing her). How odd. What does he want with you? In my situation, I informed the other man's wife. After a few days, she called to thank me (she was blindsided like me). We communicated once or twice after that but she eventually cut me off because she was reconciling. But I certainly wasn't stalking or harrasing her and can't imagine why I would.
Speakingofwhich Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 It's surreal. Seriously surreal. I had hoped this stuff didn't happen in real life, but yet, here I am...watching it apparently unfold around me like some horrible horror movie. If anyone knew the lifestyle I was raised in (no...not wealthy or of privelege) they'd be baffled how I ended up here. Thanks to WH I have ended up here, though. Dysfunction is no respecter of class, wealth or privilege. No offense, please! Just know you're in good company with a lot of others you'd be surprised to find out about the situations of. 1
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 Oh no offense taken. I sooo agree. It's just a new thing for me, is what I meant. Not that I'm so special or should be excluded. lol. Sorry if it came across that way because I do NOT feel that way at all. I just meant I am not used to any of it. Dysfunction is no respecter of class, wealth or privilege. No offense, please! Just know you're in good company with a lot of others you'd be surprised to find out about the situations of.
Artie Lang Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 wow, these people are seriously f#$%ed up. sorry to say, but your husband is a real DICK to have put you in this situation with such twisted f#$%s such as these. 4
Try Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 (edited) It was a severely confusing time. I blocked him and her immediately because I had been told by someone who knew them they were bragging that they had gotten money out of my husband (a hell of a lot of money actually) and had done so by blackmailing him with the threat of telling me that he'd slept with the wife. It was all so messed up and I still don't know if it is true or not. THe OW's BH is a predatory sex offender, in my opinion, who hasn't been caught yet. His current conquest is 17 and he got her pregnant at 15 or 16. He's also a repeat cheater, a scammer, etc. There is another incident involving hacking our phones but I've detailed enough here that I could get myself in trouble if he finds it. Every cheater casts both betrayed spouses in a negative light to rationalize why it is OK to cheat on them. They also typically try to get the betrayed spouses not to talk to each other to exchange information by portraying each of them as monsters to the other. They often get allies to help them badmouth the betrayed spouse to the other since they know that the betrayed spouse many not beleive them. In most cases little of this is true. Just like you are not the evil bad wife that they have tried to make you out to be, I doubt that the other betrayed spouse is as bad as they have you thinking he is. Using common sense it does not even add up. If the other betrayed spouse was really "bragging that they had gotten money out of my husband (a hell of a lot of money actually) and had done so by blackmailing him with the threat of telling me that he'd slept with the wife", why would he be divorcing her over the affair if he was in on it, and why would he need to try to get information from you on the affair if he already knew enough details of the affair to be able to blackmail your husband about it? In this case your husband has successfully got you to cut off all contact with the other betrayed spouse and to immediately block him from future contact, thus leaving you in the dark. Heck all you initially knew was that your husband had given his affair partner gifts. I think that there is a good chance that you are still being played by your husband who is a confirmed liar and a cheat. You need to seriously think about talking to the other betrayed spouse to find out everything about the affair that you can. Since you know so little as compared to the other betrayed spouse, you have more to gain than the other betrayed spouse by having such a conversation, and you have little to lose by doing so. Edited June 20, 2014 by Try
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 I agree. However...I don't know if my husband understood all of that at the time. I'm not covering his butt. I really do think he was totally out of it. Not using the whole "affair fog" thing because I don't like that term, but severe depression and comparmentalizing going on. He knew the family was screwed up bad but this wasn't one of those passionate love affairs where they met up all the time. It was mainly a phone, texting affair, during which she bitchedabout her husband and kids. wow, these people are seriously f#$%ed up. sorry to say, but your husband is a real DICK to have put you in this situation with such twisted f#$%s such as these.
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 (edited) Good theory. I do agree with you on the pictures that are betrayed of the BS. And I want you to know that whta I am doing here is not discrediting your opinion or being hostile toward you, but trying to clarify a bit: My husband has not given me the stories onthe FOW's H. Those stories came from a third party who does not know much more about the situation than what she and a relative of the OW decided to gossip about in a public business. Yes, I have cut that third party off because of her choice to gossip about my life for a good six months before I knew anything. and to voluntarily tell me all this information like she was some awesome person who had details I didn't. All I wanted was to have her cut my hair, not a lesson on what my husband had been doing behind my back. It was surreal. She is the one who told me the part about the bragging. And she heard that from the OW's mothe and aunt, who openly talked about it all over our little town, apparently. My husband said he doesn't know much about the OW's H and that he believes he and the BH will have to speak one day about what has happened. He accepts that. He also accepts if the BH tracks him down one day and beats the hell out of him. He's told me that. He doesn't want it to happen, but he knows it may have to happen. I'm the one that did my own digging about the FOW's BH. I'm not joking when I say my WS has NOT bashed the FOW's BH at all. He won't even bash the FOW. He doesn't want to discuss any of them and last night when he did discuss things he got sick to his stomach and looked pale.It's like he was starting to realize what he had brought on our family. Also, the FOW's BH or soon to be ex-H has said, in a public forum on FB, that he left the FOW because he got an underage girl pregnant. He took the girl, who is still underage, and their baby, emptied the bank accounts, and abandoned a home with OW ad his other, very young daughters. This is the second child he's fathered since married to the FOW, by the way. Two different women. That I, and many people in our small town, know of. I think his problem is that he thinks he is going to expose the affair to me...but I already know about it and a lot more than he thinks (most of this done by searches and digging by me,not by listening to my husband, I might add. And I agree...he has enough information about the affair, so the blackmailing my husband thing is probably not a real possibility. I have a bit of some irrational thinking going on...or did. it's gotten waaaay better today. Every cheater casts both betrayed spouses in a negative light to rationalize why it is OK to cheat on them. They also typically try to get the betrayed spouses not to talk to each other to exchange information by portraying each of them as monsters to the other. They often get allies to help them badmouth the betrayed spouse to the other since they know that the betrayed spouse many not beleive them. In most cases little of this is true. Just like you are not the evil bad wife that they have tried to make you out to be, I doubt that the other betrayed spouse is as bad as they have you thinking he is. Using common sense it does not even add up. If the other betrayed spouse was really "bragging that they had gotten money out of my husband (a hell of a lot of money actually) and had done so by blackmailing him with the threat of telling me that he'd slept with the wife", why would he be divorcing her over the affair if he was in on it, and why would he need to try to get information from you on the affair if he already knew enough details of the affair to be able to blackmail your husband about it? In this case your husband has successfully got you to cut off all contact with the other betrayed spouse and to immediately block him from future contact, thus leaving you in the dark. Heck all you initially knew was that your husband had given his affair partner gifts. I think that there is a good chance that you are still being played by your husband who is a confirmed liar and a cheat. You need to seriously think about talking to the other betrayed spouse to find out everything about the affair that you can. Since you know so little as compared to the other betrayed spouse, you have more to gain than the other betrayed spouse by having such a conversation, and you have little to lose by doing so. Edited June 20, 2014 by tornapart2002
Snowflower Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I agree. However...I don't know if my husband understood all of that at the time. I'm not covering his butt. I really do think he was totally out of it. Not using the whole "affair fog" thing because I don't like that term, but severe depression and comparmentalizing going on. He knew the family was screwed up bad but this wasn't one of those passionate love affairs where they met up all the time. It was mainly a phone, texting affair, during which she bitchedabout her husband and kids. Please don't minimize the communication part of his A. I'm not sure if that is what you are actually doing but it's how it reads, at least to me. What is concerning to me is that he knew this woman and her family were completely dysfunctional and yet he still allowed that crazy into his life and even more alarming, into yours. I mean this gently, but what is the difference between a "passionate" stereotypical love affair and the communication-type of affair that he did? It is all betrayal and he opened that door. 1
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 As far as the damage and what is wrong with having it..nothing...I just mean he wasn't around her all the time to see all of the dysfunction. and I in NO way mean to minimize it AT ALL, so you have me in complete agreement there. I was just trying to make my response shorter because I ramble too much. It's all crap and I've confronted him a number of times about knowing what he was getting this family into and how furious this makes me. I know people here aren't here with us to see my husband and I don't completely trust him. I watch him closely when we talk and I believe he is the one who has minimized this all and is still doing so. Slowly, though, he is realizing what he's doing, what he's done. It's left him with panic attacks, inability to sleep and pushed him to change many things about himself. He's not there yet.I'm the first to admit that. He has a long journey ahead of him, but I have seen some amazing things happen to people who had to hit rock bottom to turn their life around.He hit his and is still there in many ways. I can't explain here all the changes I've seen happen to him in the last few months. Despite those, though, I haven't let my guard down. Please don't minimize the communication part of his A. I'm not sure if that is what you are actually doing but it's how it reads, at least to me. What is concerning to me is that he knew this woman and her family were completely dysfunctional and yet he still allowed that crazy into his life and even more alarming, into yours. I mean this gently, but what is the difference between a "passionate" stereotypical love affair and the communication-type of affair that he did? It is all betrayal and he opened that door.
Trustnoone Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Tornapart2002 My story is bad, not the worst, but bad. I read this post and I am in utter disbelief as to what you are dealing with. From my WW she knew the devastation her affair would cause. I had told her to back off. WW did for two weeks. That is when WW's EA went to PA. So she knew all that she risked. Something I did ask WW was as you got naked with OM you never once thought this is wrong? I'm sure your WS knew this too. I've been told about the "fog" and I say bull sh--. WW wanted to have sex with OM, but she refuses to admit this even today. WW at least didn't troll the prisons looking for an AP thankfully. My problem is that her OM always tried to be my best friend. Would tell me how everyone I came in contact with complimented my work. OM was a complete jerk who I should have caused bodily harm too. When I spoke with him after d-day my training prevented me from doing just that. Hopefully this will be the last you hear from OW's BH. At least I hope so. I will tell you I am threatened every day I work. This extends from bodily harm to family to lawsuits. So I'm hoping that this person has gotten his joy by posting and you will hear no more from him. If he does contact you again sometimes just mentioning a restraining order will work. I am so sorry you have to go through so much from infidelity to harassment. Keep your chin up and stay strong. Good luck.
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